i phoned womens aid today...now im panicking

[feelinghopeless33]

Hello everybody
I finally took the plunge today and phoned the womens aid helpline for a chat/to try and get some advice on how to build my confidence to get out of an awful relationship im in but they needed to do a referral and were asking all sorts of questions about my boyfriends name,address what he does for a job etc and i panicked and lied .... im so scared somehow he might know the person on the phone or something ( stupid i know ) and it will get bk to him and make things even worse than they are already
Has anyone else had to phone them before????
Its really gutted me that ive had to take that step but im at my wits end feel like im going mad with the head games and dont know where to turn....have i done the right thing???

Maybe.... im not sure what anyone can do to help anymore ive lost all hope tonight
Im so isolated im desperate to hear another voice feel like im in a black hole and nobody knows i exist
God i sound so pathetic!

He's gone on a holiday? Don't want to freak you out but this would be the best time to get out of there with help from WA. The love you hold for this abusive man is misplaced; it may be need/fear of alone/anxiety rather than love. In any case love is not what he returns to you.

Please re-phone WA. Mind control and fuckery is Real. You're aware of it, so please save yourself now or as soon as you can. Analysis of it all can come later. This relationship is killing you inside. I'm pretty sure you'd regain your emotional and mental health pretty soon after leaving this odious creature.

I have an appt to see them monday .... it seems like so long away im not even sure how to get through the night tonight

How long is he away for? If it's just this week could you call WA back and formulate a plan for leaving? Are you at that point yet? You taking back control of your life is going to require some powerful effort; you might need to ditch the hopeless thing and go for something more warrior like. But that needs a change of heart and direction.Are you ready to choose that?

I dont feel strong enough to be a warrior i feel like im going to collapse atm ... but yes i have an appt with them before he comes back

Just wanted to send you a hug and say that we are all here for you Well done for getting in touch with WA, you've done a great and very brave thing, and I'm sure you can do more with their help and us cheering you on xxxxxx

So are you ready to leave him yet? Can you see a future where you aren't suffering panic attacks and dependency on a man who controls you and destroys every fibre of your being to keep his control intact?

There is never any "feeling strong enough" scenario. Ask anyone who went into combat for their life if they felt strong enough. What do you think they'd say? Most likely, "hell no, i'm shitting a brick". Decide rationally what your future should/could be without him and make a choice.

I dont know whether i can phone them again just for a "chat" or whether im being a pest now i have an appt for monday
He always says im needy and pester him to talk to me so i dont want to come across like that but i really need someone to talk to tonight just another human voice as i feel so low n worried i cant settle at all

You are doing the right thing, you have taken the first steps in taking control of your life and safety , stay strong and everything is going to be OK X

Phone them again - they won't think you are a pest. If you can't get through and really need to talk then phone the Samaritans - they are there for whenever someone just needs to talk, you don't have to be suicidal.

Absolutely phone WA again or Samaritans for talk (you talk, they listen)

He has your mind trained to think he's right about stuff. He isn't. There is a neediness in you but he has encouraged and developed that so you remain hooked on him like he was a drug, your only saviour, what would you do without him etc . It's all shit.

You deserve help, you need help to get out of this. After that you can sort out who you are and what you actually need for a healthy, happy life.

Everyone is fed up of me and i dont know why all i want is a friend or someone to chat to .... maybe ill try phoning them again or the samaritans as suggested
Im worried that i cant think anything positive atm hes messed up my head so badly im not sure which way is up or down now and feel so anxious about him being away rather than relieved of the break

You're very aware of how you feel and his influence on your mind and emotions. You're mistaken about everyone being fed up of you. Who is this everyone and why do you think that?

As a matter of pure necessity you don't actually have to think positively atm; happiness is a way off, a goal. How you have to think is rationally. How to get from the hell-pit you're in to somewhere survivable, after that somewhere happier becomes reachable. Does that make sense to you?

My friends ive lost them all... my family live far away and dont bother with me i always have to make contact but have given up....
I was meant to be going for a drink at the weekend with an old friend and his girlfriend ( who i have recently become friends with ) shes been really nice to me and asks everyday how things are with my boyfriend even if i havent mentioned him ...
Today my friend ( her boyfriend ) told me shes dubious about going for a drink as ill bore her about him its really upset me as i have been careful not to mention him but she asks everyday, she knows i have no one to speak to and i thought she was being nice
Maybe this is why ive lost all my other friends he always tells me im needy annoying a pest melodramatic etc and i hoped it was just him being nasty but maybe not and thats what others think too
All i want is a friend :( anyone that cares enough to listen because im really worried about how low i am and dont know what to do

Tipsytrifle... yes it does make sense i dont feel very rational though i just feel completley lost and cant make any decisions big or small as im so anxious and dont trust my own judgement

I have developed a really unhealthy obsession for checking things and feel like im loosing my memory as when hes here he does things to make me think i am
I have checked the doors and windows in my house many times tonight as i cant quite convince myself my memory is right that ive already done it .... its bizarre its like even as soon as my back is turned to walk away from the door im thinking im pretty sure i just checked that but i better do it again just incase.... walking bk and forth from the door just incase obsessively
Am i finally loosing the plot :(

Rational isn't a feeling, not an emotion. Oftentimes it is the utter absence of emotion. A cold weighing of the balances and what should be done for the best, no matter the feeling. Because emotion holds people back from what they should do. Emotion cannot be trusted because it is so easily influenced, induced, driven into a corner. Having said that, it is a hard road to insist emotion takes a back seat and rational thought gets behind the wheel. But honestly, if you don''t make that change of mind you are a slave to fickle emotion. Which in turn enslaves you to your situation. Which disempowers you. You need to get your power back.

This sounds harsh. It's easier said than done to step out of victim speak into here's-what-i-want-from-life speak. But that's what you have to do asap.

You are not lost, you CAN make decisions. Do you like tea or coffee best? What's your favourite colour? What would make you happy now given that he's not the man you want? No point saying you wish he'd be like this or that - that would be a different man you describe.

Decisions are just choices - with actions built in. Stop thinking you can't when you can, you can, you can.

Ah, cross posted. What you describe now sounds very like obsessional behaviour with all that checking. Which offers a broader screen for how you've become vulnerable to this man. Are you diagnosed with any condition relating to this? Feel free to laugh/growl, I'm a sagittarian - foot in mouth quick as you like! On the other hand i totally know about being driven insane by a controller.

No ive not been diagnosed with anything the checking things compulsively is a relatively new annoying habit ive developed i know deep down ive already checked things but for a moment i doubt my own memory and think ill settle better if i check again just incase

I have nevee been like this before... he makes me think im loosing my memory all the time by saying that i cant remember things that happened when they actually didnt or that things happened differently than i remember
I fall for it everytime to a certain degree then get angry at myself for not trusting my own recollection
It seems to have now spilt over into not trusting my own recollection on everyday things even when hes not here

You'll settle better when you're free of this shitty situation. Trust yourself as often as you can for as long as you can. That feeling will grow. Say "i trust you" into a mirror. It's giggle-worthy but if you keep saying it inside, it can help too.

You DO know, deep down to trust yourself, to plan and make decisions. You're an adult, not a dependant child. You're worthy of love and you haven't found it yet. You need to get free first.

He's a manipulator who's been given the keys to your mind. Change the locks. He is twisting your self-knowledge and controlling your mind so that you fail every time and "need" him to sort you out. It's all an illusion. Time to wake up.

he makes me think im loosing my memory all the time by saying that i cant remember things that happened when they actually didnt or that things happened differently than i remember

This is known as Gaslighting, from an old film called Gaslight. In the film people are trying to convince an old lady that she has lost her mind, by changing things secretly and making her think its all in her mind.
This is one kind of abuse.

Do phone WA and tell them about it.

Ive phoned them back as just needed someone to speak to before this appt mon i hope they dont think im a pest like he says i am
Thank you all for talking to me im dreading another long night again tonight and it was nice being able to come on here and chat last night