How do other people manage money in their marriage? I'm feeling stuck!!

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Hi, I apologise in advance as this may be a bit all over the place but just going to get it all out in the hope of some different opinions please!! .....

I have 4 children between 9 an 1 years old, my elder 2 are from my first marriage and I receive a basic amount of CM for them from exdh. My 2 little ones are mine and DH's.
DH works full time and I work part time and fit my hours around nursery and school and our lovely dog.
Anyway my issue is DH refuses to share money, as well as my wages which is about a third of his I receive tax credits and child benefit, in total I end up with a little more than him each month BUT I pay all the childcare fees, I buy 80% of the food, I buy 99% of the children's clothes and pay for all the children's activities. His argument is that he doesn't think the children should be in childcare as he thinks his 70 yr old mum should look after them. His mum is in my opinion completed out of date with how to care for children and manage their behaviour, she has even admitted to banging the table and shouting at my 1 year old for not eating her lunch before (she told me like it was a good idea then denied it to him!) she currently looks after my 2 youngest one morning a week which I hate but dh insists they should spend time together. Anyway, I have nothing left at the end of the month whereas he saves his money. We can't afford a family holiday abroad but he is planning on going abroad for a mates stag do, he goes to the gym most mornings before work and leaves me at home trying to get 4 children and myself ready to leave at 7.30am to drop them all off at nursery etc and get myself to work.
I suppose I just feel really hard done by, he used to moan when I was on Mat leave that I "sat on my arse all day" so I went back to work. It feels like his life hasn't changed and he still has plenty of cash and free time when all I do is go to work and look after the children and I'm left with nothing.
Please advise if I'm being reasonable about being fed up of this or not?

In your opening post you said he refuses to share money including your wages dos that mean it all goes into a joint account? If so think about opening a separate account and having your wages paid into that as well as the tax credits etc, easy enough to do.
He won't take you seriously yet, but whether you do end up staying or leaving the house, I would make steps to separate your finances straightaway.

We have a joint account into which we transfer our half of the mortgage and bills. We take it in turns to do the food shop. The rest we keep ourselve to do as we please with.

I much prefer it this way. I would hate to have to check with DP if I could buy a skirt, for example, and I am sure I'd feel cross with how much he spends on beer!

I don't see the need to share everything at all.

But do you both earn roughly the same heron? My problem is I end up with a bit more than him coming in, we split the rent and utility bills 50/50 but I end up paying for all childcare which is about £500 per month as well as most of the food shop and all kids activities. He literally just pays half the rent and utilities and then spend or saves the rest on himself apart from the odd shop maybe one every couple of months if he's in a generous mood.

Blaming me, saying I'm ridiculous. I went up to our room after to get some space, he came up after about 20 mins and turned the tv off, asked me why I am constantly moody, constantly saying he doesn't do anything right and then accused me of having an affair. I hate this, I'm starting to think he may be right (not about the affair)

During any of this did he actually say he didn't want to split up, that he loved you, anything that wasn't him gaslighting you?

Like a lot of others, we have totally joint finances and have both been dependent and the main earner at different times. I don't need my husband's permission and vice versa but equally we don't spend on big purchases without discussing/agreeing.

I think even if you want to have separate finances, your DH is behaving terribly. At the very least, he should contribute 50% to all costs associated with his children and a good wack of the food bill.

I do think this is abusive actually.

No purplefox he didn't, I told him I wanted to leave a few weeks ago and he started off like he is now with the blaming then threw in the I love you's and all the kids so I agreed to one last chance with lots of conditions, I feel like he has made a bit of an effort but it's just not enough, I'm unhappy about 80% of the time.
Thanks primaryteach, I'm thinking the same. I just wish he would leave, I'm dreading the weekend.

Does anyone have any good ideas of how to sort out this weekend? I don't want to spend it with him, do you think I should ask him when he would like to spend time with the kids and work around him? I'm in limbo and want to make plans to keep busy.

Don't move out of the house. Do go see a solicitor, preferably one that specialises in abuse. Find out the facts before you do much more.

Why do you pay all of the childcare when everything else is split 50/50?

Re this weekend can you ask which day/time he wants to spend with the DCs, as you'd like to make plans for one day yourself.

If you've told him it's over, make a note of the date as that can be deemed the date seperation began. If you have sex with then you start all over again with the separation in legal terms.

Have a look on the turn2us site, see how much you would get for yourself and 4 DC , you would know then if you can do it alone plus he would have to pay you cm for his 2 DC

I've already looked haribo and I would be better of
Sandy I pay all the childcare as I don't want his incapable 70 yr old mum looking after them so in his opinion I should pay for it because if it was up to him it would be free!

Funny how men are meant to rule the world, have been paid more, seen as the superior sex yet actually some are pathetic specimens who can't actually have a decent conversation with someone they've promised to love and cherish.

All this similar threads all have the women owning balls and actually getting the fuck away.

Thanks goingtobeawesome, that made me smile 😃

I have spoken to him before about how if he earns more then I will get less money from tax credits so he will need to pay a bigger share of the bills but he never did. So then I went back to work and initially he agreed to pay a little of the childcare once he had sorted out how much he would be getting each month as he also started a new job, it's never materialised though and I'm fed up with asking. I keep asking for his pay slip as I have applied for housing benefit, I think it will only be about £30 a week but every little helps, he keeps telling me he doesn't have it when I'm sure he must have by now, he was paid the end of May!

If you can afford your current house without him can you speak to your letting agent/landlord about getting him removed from the tenancy agreement?

Before I made my abusive ex leave I asked my landlord to remove his name, they just ended the existing agreement and sent me a new one under my name.

If you are always moody, having an affair etc surely he is very glad you want to split up!

Get copies of everything you can, savings, payslips, credit card bills, bank statements etc.

Are you desperate to stay in the house? I ask because it may feel nicer to live in a house he has never stepped foot in, also he won't feel like he can come in to see the kids.

I work full time, dh is a sahd - he has equal access to everything - savings in his name for tax purposes. Your DH is an arse - 50% of rent and bills but you buy food and pay for the kids.

He is gonna play the nice guy to get you to stay as he will be loathe to pay maintenance. Ensure you get cms involved and get your full legal entitlement - has he called you a money grabbing gold digger who won't cope without him yet? If not it's coming. So is 'I'm going to jack my job in and get custody".

He is going to hate having to support his children, look after them every other weekend, wash his own clothes, clean his own house, have to pay full rent and bills and food - it suits him to get you to stay. Stay strong.

I cannot imagine treating my lovely husband and lovely children as second class citizens who deserve less then me.

Gluten do you have a printer? One that scans and prints? Do you have access to a copier at work? I ask as I cannot stress enough the importance of getting copies of the bank statement showing £13K and any other bank accounts. When you are ready to see a solicitor you will need a heck of a lot of documentation such as his P60's; payslips; bank and building society accounts. Any documentation showing his pension entitlement. If nothing else these assets will go some way towards covering your legal fees.

It took me years to finally leave; for me leaving was a lengthy process as I was financially dependant on my partner. Do not give up hope of a better future for yourself and your children. You have shown great strength as all women do, you deserve far better.

I do have access to one at work but I don't know how I would get these documents out of the house great advice though, I'm sure I will find a way. I have hidden mine and the kids passports already. He's being his version of me nice now, came home from work, didn't moan about anything, kids had friends over and he didn't ruin it by enforcing rules. He sat with the younger two and even changed a nappy and put pyjamas on one of them! I know it won't last but I wish it would.

Purple I didn't know I could do that, I actually get on ok with the landlord so that could be an option

43 no I'm not desperate to stay in the house I would love a fresh start like you describe but I have phoned many different agents and they have all said the same, almost no landlord will accept me with 4 kids a dog and housing benefits, even with a bigger deposit and a guarantor. Rental properties are in such demand around here.

Just think how easy life would be if you didn't have to consider how he is going to react to everything. To be in control of your own destiny (and finances!). He sounds like my ExH. I left him and felt like I could breathe again - and never regretted it for an instant. Get out xx

I have phoned many different agents and they have all said the same, almost no landlord will accept me with 4 kids a dog and housing benefits, even with a bigger deposit and a guarantor

As I said last night, go to LLs directly, not agents.

If you have a smartphone you can download scanning apps, they work really well. You basically use the phone's camera but it looks like a scanned image.

I have left for the night, my elder 2 are at sleepovers, he refuses to leave the house because aparently I'm the one with mental issues so why should he leave his home in his kids.
He moaned at me this morning for not getting ready fast enough, he then shouted and swore at me for asking him where he had put my tweezers, I took kids out and when I returned he had parked his car awkwardly on the drive so I couldn't open the doors properly and the little kids had fallen asleep, he was on the driveway so I wound my window and asked him in a nice voice of he could move his car over so I could get the kids out as they were sleeping, he looked at me like he hated me and said "aren't you going to say please?" In a nasty voice. I said stuff it then I'm going back out so I went inside and grabbed some bits and went out again. He made me take the dog too by letting her run outside and saying go on (dog name) you can go too. I have just gone back and asked him if he wanted the little ones to stay with him tonight, he ignored me completely so I went to pack bags and he followed me and said i told him he has to keep the little ones, I reminded him that I asked him not told him and he decided he would keep them at home tonight, so I packed my stuff for one night and now I feel like shit... I don't know what to do