How do other people manage money in their marriage? I'm feeling stuck!!

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Hi, I apologise in advance as this may be a bit all over the place but just going to get it all out in the hope of some different opinions please!! .....

I have 4 children between 9 an 1 years old, my elder 2 are from my first marriage and I receive a basic amount of CM for them from exdh. My 2 little ones are mine and DH's.
DH works full time and I work part time and fit my hours around nursery and school and our lovely dog.
Anyway my issue is DH refuses to share money, as well as my wages which is about a third of his I receive tax credits and child benefit, in total I end up with a little more than him each month BUT I pay all the childcare fees, I buy 80% of the food, I buy 99% of the children's clothes and pay for all the children's activities. His argument is that he doesn't think the children should be in childcare as he thinks his 70 yr old mum should look after them. His mum is in my opinion completed out of date with how to care for children and manage their behaviour, she has even admitted to banging the table and shouting at my 1 year old for not eating her lunch before (she told me like it was a good idea then denied it to him!) she currently looks after my 2 youngest one morning a week which I hate but dh insists they should spend time together. Anyway, I have nothing left at the end of the month whereas he saves his money. We can't afford a family holiday abroad but he is planning on going abroad for a mates stag do, he goes to the gym most mornings before work and leaves me at home trying to get 4 children and myself ready to leave at 7.30am to drop them all off at nursery etc and get myself to work.
I suppose I just feel really hard done by, he used to moan when I was on Mat leave that I "sat on my arse all day" so I went back to work. It feels like his life hasn't changed and he still has plenty of cash and free time when all I do is go to work and look after the children and I'm left with nothing.
Please advise if I'm being reasonable about being fed up of this or not?

He does have good points

Really? Because I've not heard one yet.

He works hard? That's not a 'good' point. That's just what most people to to provide the best life possible for their partner and children.

He is not providing you with anything. He doesn't respect you. This is not the way you treat somebody you love.

I'm so sorry, but he's horrible.

Those aren't good points.
Also look up 'gaslighting abuse'
I'd also consider buying the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does he do that?
You'll find your 'oh so lovely' DH in there!
The scales are falling from your eyes.
Take your time.
Decide what YOU want.
Then go from there.

gluten

re your comment:-
"He does have good points, he works hard and tries to do stuff around the house like odd jobs but always moans about it!"

Its that your own way of trying to justify his existence in your lives?.

Those are not good points at all; he works hard solely for his own self. You people do not even feature in his plans; his interest here is purely one of self interest. He also cannot even do odd jobs properly without moaning about it. His minus points far, far outweigh and "good " stuff he does.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?

The fact is you are currently married to a financially abusive man, I would also think that he is abusive towards you in other ways as well. I can see he is also emotionally abusive; turning it all around on you so that its your fault is another tactic amongst many used by abusive men. He is giving you spaghetti head and he will really mess you and in turn your children right up.

You really cannot keep teaching your children such damaging lessons about relationships because they could too easily go onto to repeat what they are seeing now themselves. Your relationship bar is really low anyway particularly if you think that any of the above are in any way good points.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, that is something that you should also consider carefully.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and talk to Womens Aid.

Seek legal advice and get him out of your day to day lives asap.

DH and I have one child together and one child that is mine from a previous relationship - I get no maintenance for DS1 and DH has never considered treating him any differently to DS2, and was happy to cover his costs once we married and I lost my tax credits, child benefit etc. Dh works full time, I'm a sahm and I have been since the start of our relationship.

We do things a bit differently to others as although we view all income into the household as joint, we're best having separate accounts for various tax/admin reasons. So DH has access to my account balance and makes sure it is always topped up to a decent level, so I never really run short of money and don't have to ask him for anything. We don't have to justify any spending to each other and never ask for permission to spend.

You are married to an abusive man, question is do you want to stay with this financial bully?
He sees you as lesser than him, housework, childcare, a doddle in his eyes, and no meaningful contribution. This attitude won't change, it's too deeply ingrained, you sit around on your arse, watching telly and drinking tea, he, Billy big bollocks, earns the money, this is what counts in his eyes. He does not see you as a family unit. Why you continued the relationship after 'yoghurt gate' is anyone's guess but that is done and by the by. Whether you remain with him is up to you, but you will continue to live a life of misery dictated by his moods - you don't count.

I know it's wasy to say from behind the screen but do divorce hom. You'll have a better quality of life both mentally and financially. And it's not good for the older kids grown up in household where someone clearly doesnt want them.

Your "d"h is a total bastard. Selfish, financially abusing you... would you do this to someone you love? Awful.

We share everything. Dh earns x3 what I do but he transfers everything except £100-200 to my bank each month. He uses that money for petrol, lunches while at work, golf once a month and anything I ask him to pick up on the way home from work, like milk or whatever. I pay all the bills from what he gives me and my pay. (This is one of my chores. We also split housework and childcare 50/50 outside of working hours. I work from home so can do more than dh during the day) My eldest DC is also from a previous relationship and I get cm from his dad, but this goes into the family pot. Dh treats eldest the same as he treats his own.

I think my set up is normal for two non abusive people in a relationship, we both value each other's contributions and respect and care for each other. I don't think you can say your dh respects or cares for you if this is how he treats you. Don't let him carry on.

This is really hard to read. I don't know how to leave, I think I want to though

DP and I have our own bank accounts and separate finances. When we met, I earned much more than him and would occasionally help him out with money. We now own a house and have a baby together and he earns roughly half again what I do. We start from the assumption that we will split all bills 50/50 and generally do. Recently, with childcare and so on, I've not had enough to make ends meet, so he's begun to contribute a larger share where needed.

I know a lot of people on here get really overexcited about joint accounts and stuff, but that's not the point. The point is fairness. OP, your husband is not being fair.

You don't leave. You pack his bags and tell him to leave. You are the childrens primary carer. They need some stability. He will not want to look after them. Is your house jointly owned or are you both on the tenancy agreement?

We are both on the tenancy agreement and I know from experience he won't leave, he will kick off in front of the kids and probably tell them mummy wants daddy to leave and ask their opinions, they are 9,8,3 and 1!

Hes an arse! I've 4 children with OH amd I'm a SAHM. He works, I don't and all money is equally ours. I wouldn't ever put up with what you have to deal with :( I'd get out and get some financial freedom back x

I haven't seen any good points either.
Most people work. Most people fix things in their living environment.

It's not just about splitting money though, is it? Yes that's a big part of it but living with a tight fisted man who sits on his arse while you do everything and makes you feel crap is no way to live.
You're meant to be a team.

Would you be able to take your children to be looked after by someone for the day at all? Sorry if I am being really impractical and I know it is easy to say, but if I were you, I would be looking for some kind of exit strategy. You will be financially better off without him.

Ring Womens Aid and see what they can advise. You do not desrved the way to are being treated. He has got the fucking Life of Riley. No wonder he wont want to leave.

I can't imagine what it must be like for you right now.
It is a massive shock to read this.
It is like, this isn't happening to you.
How did you get to this?
You are not like this really! etc... etc....
Don't rush anything.
Take your time.
Take one small step at a time.

1st step - call Womens Aid. 0808 2000 247
They will help you with next steps.

My next step would be CAB but maybe that comes next week.

Do this in your own time at your own pace.
Right now it's a lot to take in so just let it sink in first.

Thank you

Oh god what an arse... I feel really annoyed for you this is just not on.
I'd like to say could you talk to him/ get him to see that this is a very unfair split but the way you describe him that sounds like it would be tricky.... If you want to try to work it out do you think he'd consider counselling and you could the talk over money and child care issues with a third party?
If he wouldn't then I would agree leave him but it's easier to say of course :( good luck op , no one should put up with that!

he will kick off in front of the kids and probably tell them mummy wants daddy to leave and ask their opinions, they are 9,8,3 and 1!

He is truly an arse if he would do that and he would. He is also someone who is not be above using these children as pawns to get back at you as punishment for you leaving him.

I can see what he gets out of it (you to boss around) but what is in this for you?. You cannot answer that can you and that should tell you something.

No to any joint counselling, this is NEVER recommended where there is abuse of any sort within the relationship. He is already blaming you for all his inherent ills. I would also think he will be an arsehat as well if it came to mediation; such men are inherently unreasonable so mediation would not be advisable to enter into either.

Use legal means to get him out by divorcing this man. I would also suggest that you contact Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisation via this website rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

I'm not married but DP and I have been together 8 and a half years. We bought our first home 2 years ago. I earn roughly double what DP earns and we keep our finances separate. I pay for all the bills, mortgage etc from my wage and also put about £100 a month away into savings. DP pays for all our food and gives me 1/4 or his wage a month as spending money because my wage is eaten up by the bills.

It's not strictly even in terms of money but as a percentage of our earnings it's roughly the same. What's important isnt everything being equal, it's both parties being happy with the arrangement, which your not

OP x

Thanks for all of your advice and support, I want to ask him to leave but I'm dreading the response, I don't want to just leave when he's out as I don't think that's fair and the abuse would still come later anyway.
I understand what you are all saying about his good points not being good but at the same time I feel like I'm misrepresenting him, he does help with kids sometimes but it's not his priority. If on the rare occasion we go out for something to eat he may pay or if I suggested it he will expect me to pay. Also he doesn't spend a lot on himself, he saved his money, he says its towards a deposit for a house one day, he has about £13,000. Saved at present. We can't buy a house because my previous boyfriend (inbetween my two marriages) (I sound like a right wrongun!) completely screwed me over financially and left me with all his debt so I now have poor credit.

I remember years ago when we first got together he wanted his own food and wouldn't pay for their baby yogurts ( they were both under 3)! I think I should have known something was up then.

yes, this was a big warning sign. Another one was him telling you you were sat on your arse during maternity leave. I think this is a phrase only used by assholes to women. It should be used as a quick test of assholeness-like an over the counter test.

My mother always told me "never marry a jealous man or a mean man" and everything I have read on MN tells me this is the best advice you can give.

You husband is having a great time. He gets to have 2 children, pay nothing for them, do what he wants, save his money, and probably benefit from you doing housekeeping/cooking etc.

He does pay half the rent and bills, not sure if I made that clear in my op.

I'm not really hearing anything in terms of connection between you guys. He pays for this, you pay for that, you do this, he fixes that, he won't do this and he won't do that. It sounds a little strange but I guess some people are happy with that kind of marriage. You also sound a bit frightened of him. He may have worn you down over time. I'm with HellsBells. Take your time. Get as much advice and information as you can. Make sure you will feel safe and protected. Then you can decide when you're good and ready to do what you want to/need to do.

Also he doesn't spend a lot on himself, he saved his money, he says its towards a deposit for a house one day, he has about £13,000. Saved at present.

No he doesn't have 13k you both do OP. That probably your annual income right there sitting in his account and what for? he wont even pay for a bloody meal out if you suggest it even though he has this stashed in his account. I'm sorry, love, but he is a tight fisted, abusive wanker and you are better off on your own.

so, practicalities - How long is left on your tenancy OP?

Did you put down a deposit to move in? is that protected and can you guarantee you will at least get half of that deposit back?

With your current income I suspect you would be entitled to some Housing benefit to cover the rent.

DO you know of anyone who could help with a deposit to find a new home? I know this is a big step and having a back up - if your Husband wont move out - will make it feel less of a defeat. Someone to be a guarantor or who could help with a deposit.

You also have this as an option if your finances aren't that great. england.shelter.org.uk/get_advice/private_renting/costs_of_renting/rent_deposit_and_bond_schemes

Its loads to take in but I have been there with my ex. He ran off with all my money and left me homeless. He begrudged spending any money on me even though I earned too. I was left to pay so much and he screwed me over by signing me up for a store card then went on a spending binge with it leaving me with all the debt.

I think our connection has gone, it's been stamped out by him in my opinion. He would say I don't include him with the older children and he feels pushed out. I can see he has a point but I don't include him in what to buy them for their birthdays etc as he doesn't financially contribute to it. I didn't invite him to the cinema for my sons birthday recently as I had taken the morning off work to spend time with him the day before his birthday when the little ones were at nursery before he went to his dad's for the weekend of his birthday and I wasn't going to see him. He sulked about it and I explained that he was at work and I knew he would take the day off ( he never takes time off if it's something I want us to do) so I had to pacify him by arranging to drop dc 1&2 at their dads late and pay for a family meal when he came home from work, even then he made a comment about him needing a shower first!