How do other people manage money in their marriage? I'm feeling stuck!!

[Glutenforpunishmentnomore]

Hi, I apologise in advance as this may be a bit all over the place but just going to get it all out in the hope of some different opinions please!! .....

I have 4 children between 9 an 1 years old, my elder 2 are from my first marriage and I receive a basic amount of CM for them from exdh. My 2 little ones are mine and DH's.
DH works full time and I work part time and fit my hours around nursery and school and our lovely dog.
Anyway my issue is DH refuses to share money, as well as my wages which is about a third of his I receive tax credits and child benefit, in total I end up with a little more than him each month BUT I pay all the childcare fees, I buy 80% of the food, I buy 99% of the children's clothes and pay for all the children's activities. His argument is that he doesn't think the children should be in childcare as he thinks his 70 yr old mum should look after them. His mum is in my opinion completed out of date with how to care for children and manage their behaviour, she has even admitted to banging the table and shouting at my 1 year old for not eating her lunch before (she told me like it was a good idea then denied it to him!) she currently looks after my 2 youngest one morning a week which I hate but dh insists they should spend time together. Anyway, I have nothing left at the end of the month whereas he saves his money. We can't afford a family holiday abroad but he is planning on going abroad for a mates stag do, he goes to the gym most mornings before work and leaves me at home trying to get 4 children and myself ready to leave at 7.30am to drop them all off at nursery etc and get myself to work.
I suppose I just feel really hard done by, he used to moan when I was on Mat leave that I "sat on my arse all day" so I went back to work. It feels like his life hasn't changed and he still has plenty of cash and free time when all I do is go to work and look after the children and I'm left with nothing.
Please advise if I'm being reasonable about being fed up of this or not?

Sorry twatb crossed posts I think.
Your ex sounds terrible, we have a rolling month tenancy and yes our deposit is protected. I have called a few letting agents before but they have all said it is very unlikely to find a landlord that will rent to a single mum with 4 children and a dog I even have my parents willing to be guarantors but aparently no one will touch me!

Sorry to keep posting but there is something else playing on my mind regarding my mother in law who looks after my youngest 2 DC once a week. Before I had dc's 3&4 she used to look after dc's 1&3 (not her biological grand children) during the summer holidays whilst I was working, in the beginning she treated them well and seemed to think of them as grandchildren, at this point my father in law was still alive, not sure if this makes any difference though. Since dc's 3&4 have been born she doesn't seem to like my ds1, she always takes ds2 side if they argue and seems very quick to tell ds1 off. I even caught her shouting at ds1 to get a handkerchief at a bbq at her house recently when he was "wasting her toilet paper" blowing his nose! I stepped in and explained to ds1 that we don't use germy handkerchiefs and that I had some tissue for him. Anyway for my dd1 birthdays she buys her a small gift or gives her £10, for my ds1 birthday he has received nothing 2 years ago, £5 last year and £5 again this year. This may seem really petty but I can't help but take it personally, I don't expect her to spend the same on my 2 DC as she does on my younger 2 but I think she should treat DC 1&2 the same at least. I tried to approach this with dh on Monday, he jumped down my throat and said that his mum had decided that from now on she would only give them £5 as she never sees them anyway! Dh said they never want to go there so why should she give them anything! I was shocked, they don't want to go there as they are not treated fairly, she never comes to visit us even though she only lives 2 miles away although she is happy to get the bus 20 miles away for days out etc.
Sorry for the rant but I think she is abusive too, any thoughts?

You know reading this brings back a lot of memories for me when my DCs were younger. They are teens now. My DH referred to me as a lady of leisure during maternity leave.

He earns more than me and when our DCs were little I felt extremely impoverished. I couldn't get over and I don't think I ever will get over how I was struggling and had no money besides family allowance or child benefit and he had ££££ in the bank.

Yes, he did pay ALL the bills and mortgage, but I have always bought DCs clothing. I felt the price of having kids left me so poor.

He doesn't spend a lot on himself and is extremely frugal with money. He is very financially responsible too.

I absolutely hated not having money and he'd say just ask if you need anything - but it felt like begging and I honestly wanted out of the marriage then.

I asked for a monthly amount of cash to save asking but he refused. So I decided we would only have 2 DCs (because I never wanted an only child) even though he wanted more. I had to get back to work.

At times it left me feeling suicidal, but I thought of how upset my parents would be if I was dead and how they'd be thinking I could have just asked them for help. Plus I loved my DCs and have a very close family, so I would never have done it, but it was a horrible time.

With the knowledge and experience I have now, I would have taken a different stance back then.

Firstly, he isn't working hard to provide for his family. If he were single and without kids would his attitude to his career be any different?

Re the house situation, go directly to landlords. I use Gumtree and local Facebook groups to advertise, many of us who manage our own properties do this and like to give people who need it a break.

If your parents can be guarantors this is a massive plus point as LL's like as many people as possible responsible for paying the rent. If your parents could lend you money to put down more rent upfront, or a bigger deposit, this is very desirable too.

Worth thinking about.

He would say I don't include him with the older children and he feels pushed out.

If is afraid of being caught for the price of a baby yogurt what does he expect. With family you are all in or all out.

Honestly he sounds like his only interest is in protecting what he is entitled to.

Sandy are you still with him? I hope there are some redeeming features because he sounds miserable. Being on maternity leave was the hardest most tedious work I've ever done (obviously interspersed with lots of joy but by god my actual job was way easier) and my husband recognised this and thanked me.

Reading this makes me so sad. OP I hope you're formulating your exit plan. MN will be able to help

he does help with kids sometimes but it's not his priority.

Imagine if the tables were turned and you were the one 'working hard' full time but coming home and putting your feet up, going to the gym or out with mates whenever you fancy, watching TV while DH does all the cooking and cleaning, keeping your money to yourself while he is barely scraping enough money to look after himself and the kids. Telling him off when, while doing all these jobs, he is distracted long enough for one of your FOUR kids to break something. But it's okay because you 'sometimes' help out?

You just can't imagine it ever being acceptable.

The sad thing is 50 years ago most families were like this!

Why are you paying 80% of food surely should be 50% in same way he pays 50% of bills!

I can't understand marriages where one person keeps all his/her money and allows the other to go overdrawn.

Gosh I am so glad I do not have this problem dh and I have joint account and we just spend as we see fit. Money is a total non issue for us in 30+ years of marriage we have me er had a cross word about money!

I do believe in being responsible with money but I can never understand misers and why a husband and father would be so miserly and tight that his wife has to struggle.
You can't take the money with you when you go. Just be comfortable and happy while you live.

Op that story about your dc1's birthday and then paying for a meal out for your sulking dh is very sad.

I do agree that he should be included but I also understand the reasons why he wasn't and isn't.
This dynamic is dysfunctional and you're not a family.

You really need to sit and talk with him.

Dh and I have been together nearly 40 years. Even when I was a student and he was working during our first year of going out together we shared expenses - ie I'd pay for his room in hall when he came for the weekend and he'd pay for a Pizzaland meal near the station when I met him.

The rest of the weekend we'd share - ie I'd paid for Sat/Sun lunch in hall, he'd buy stuff for Saturday night and I'd cook.

Since then - apart from when our bank introduced revolving credit accounts and we had a separate one each to spread the o/d limit - everything has been joint, including

30 years ago when I was paid twice his salary until now when he has an occupational pension, the state pension and my personal pension is an outstanding £1799 pa it's all shared.

Our total income last year was a little under 40k € and it was all shared, even though mine was a 1/16th of the total.

Smacks of financial and emotional abuse to me.

I'd stop buying 80% of the food for starters and see how he likes that. If he wants separate finances, that's what he gets - all the way to a SHL.

Hi everyone, thank you for taking the time to respond.
I pay for most of the food as I'm the one who does most of the shopping, I know it's wrong that's why I bought it up for opinions, he just doesn't get it though! If I do bring it up he usually tells me I should spend so much, aparently I should only buy cheap apples and other cheap fruit, I buy lots of fruit including strawberries raspberries grapes etc as the children love them and I like them to eat healthily, they wouldn't eat 2 apples and 2 pears everyday so they enjoy a variety of fruits. He also refuses to pay for swimming lessons as he thinks we should take them at the weekend and teach them ourselves, great idea in principle but we would hardly ever get round to going and us teaching them is in my opinion not as good as professional lessons.

Well it seems in not very good at biding my time, I have just told him I want to split up!

What was his reaction?

Blaming me, saying I'm ridiculous. I went up to our room after to get some space, he came up after about 20 mins and turned the tv off, asked me why I am constantly moody, constantly saying he doesn't do anything right and then accused me of having an affair. I hate this, I'm starting to think he may be right (not about the affair)

Were you able to tell him what the issues were?

When my dh and I went through some issues (some people might have called him abusive but I don't think he meant to be, if that makes sense), I said to him 'what would you think if I told you that the husband next door doesn't give his wife access to money, won't pay for food or activities for children, is miserly and doesn't treat his family well. What would you think of such a man?' (using your issues obviously, not mine)
I think he saw it how it was when it was said in that way. maybe explain it like that.

Obviously you'll both need to be calmer to have a conversation like that.

I've told him what the issues are before, they are:
Not treating my 2 DC as he should
Not sharing money
Expecting too much of me
Shouting and swearing and name calling in front of kids
Involving kids in arguments
Being very short tempered
Has been physically abusive in the past (shoving me)
Not helping me when I need help but always expecting me to help him
Being selfish with time and money
Being unaffectionate unless he wants sex
Blaming me for things and twisting what I say or denying what I know he says.

I could go on... I feel so lost but trapped.

It's just all family money in our house.
I don't really earn much, in fact my dh employs me sometimes.
He believes me to be his equal so treats me like it and he loves all our children equally.
We have our own accounts, no joint account anymore and some things come out of mine and some out of his.
If one account seems larger than the other we will transfer money, but it tends to work atm.
I manage all the finance, business and home.

I couldn't be with a man who had his own money separate to family, especially if he didn't share all money 50/50.

He doesn't sound very good to me OP, so sorry, but you need to get rid.
Your children should all be treated equally in your household, irrespective of biology.

I'm sorry op. He doesn't sound like someone you can engage with.
You'll be happier without him.

I don't think someone like him will change his beliefs are so ingrained its near impossible. I see when you mentioned things he blamed you.

Its not a partnership he does not want a equal relationship with you.

No, you're doing nothing wrong...I think you may well be better off without him in your life. You can rent a flat your parents being guarantee is enough whom ever said different is wrong.

Sandyare you still with him?

Yes. we're still together, but I now work full time and earn quite a bit more than I did before mat leave even - so I don't feel like a pauper.

He's not abusive and I insisted on getting 'me time', but even when we discuss the past now, he has a memory of his own that he was so hands on with DCs and did everything apart from breastfeeding. I call it delusion. I got back to work when DC1 was 10 months and I felt liberated.

I'm much much happier having enough of my own money. He will never share his money the way I'd like. He has financial investments in his own name and 3 rental properties too.

He does have a lot of good qualities (or I'd have left) but he holds tightly onto money, something all his family members have mentioned in the past.

I will never put myself in the position of depending on a man for money, it's just soul destroying.

OP - Your DH is awful shouting in front of the kids and involving them. Well done for splitting. What's his reaction.

I remember years ago when we first got together he wanted his own food and wouldn't pay for their baby yogurts ( they were both under 3)! I think I should have known something was up then.

And yet you carried on with him anyway.

And now your two older children are forced to live with this man.

If not for yourself, do it for your children, leave this man. He is the pits.

You have told him you want to split up, he has twisted things to make it your fault, but that doesn't actually matter, you can leave a relationship for any reason you like. He doesn't get to decide if you are 'allowed' to leave him. Faults and blame are neither here nor there, you can leave someone simply because you're not happy, no other reason required.
He won't suddenly go "You know what, after thinking about this, I think you're right, I will change" or if he did it would be temporary until you accept the status quo again.

Thanks, I don't think he is taking me seriously yet, he is just sulking around making a few snide comments. I'm trying to stay in the house rather than leave as I think its best for the children, if he refuses to leave I suppose I will have to give up our home though