Pestering/lack of labido

[Cinnamon5]

I would really like some advice from other mummies on this.
We have been together 9 years two small children.
Since the birth of both children my sex drive is low. Normal stuff, body different, I had a lot of tearing etc and physical damage after the birth of my first child. Things don't feel the same unfortunately!!!
For years now it's been a problem in our relationship.
The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I do occasionally agree, but it's normally after a night out and a few drinks. May only be 2/3 times a year!!!
I lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.
Of course he completely blames me for my lack of sex drive, and it's me that needs help. His pestering and moods etc are just a symptom of lack of sex and he will not take blame for it.
In fact I've been to the doctors twice in 4 years (requested by him) and both times they have reassured me it's normal to feel lack of sex drive etc and his behaviour is unacceptable on all levels. My last visit last year told me it's abuse and I should get professional help. Of course I didn't tell him this.

I'm at my wits end with it all. I'm constantly on egg shells and feel really hurt by the accusations he throws at me and how it's all ME!

Please advise, I know I'm not fulfilling him but is this acceptable behaviour for me to lay awake crying, being treated like this, accused of being frigid etc on a daily basis.
I'm at breaking point. X

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I know this is going to seem like a really inadequate suggestion to other posters but if you're still reading OP, can you get yourself into a different bed or room? It was suggested to me a while ago on here and has helped.

I used arthritis and insomnia as an excuse. I don't think he likes it but lives with it. I'm sleeping on the floor in dc2s room. Not ideal but better. Might help while you get your head round things.

You are dealing with more aggression than I am so sorry if this is not a good idea for you

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Being rejected by your partner sexually is horrible (I've been there, when dh had no sex drive and he's experienced me with no sex drive).

There is however no excuse for his behaviour. It's abuse.

[Janey50]

It never ceases to amaze me that some men (not all) seem to think that your desire for sex with them is going to be increased by behaving like a total arse towards you! Lost count of the times I have heard stories of somebody's partner being a cunt pig all day,then come bedtime,suddenly expect you to be all loving and receptive to their advances. Yeah right.

[Zaurak]

Christ. It doesn't matter how sexually frustrated one party is - the approach they should take is to respect the other, Talk about it, perhaps have some couples counselling if both would like to resolve the issue.
When you're at the point your partner is tantrumming, pestering, pushing you bodily out of bed, breaking things etc - that is abuse.

Many couples have mismatched libidos in the years with small children. You talk about it and respect each other's bodily autonomy - you do not coerce the other person into sex.

anything less than enthusiastic willingness is not consent how many fucking times do we have to spell this out??

Op, leave him. He can have a fulfilling relationship with his hand.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Yy to 5 pps..was starting to think I'd dropped into the 1950s

Hope you are ok OP and can get some help.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

His idea of romancing you into being totally desperate to rip his pants off is to slam a door so hard it breaks, sulk for days, have a tantrum and to call you names?

I wouldn't think that's particularly effective. It wouldn't make me horny.

In fact, I think only a few instances of it would make my clit retract up to my ribcage at the mere thought of doing him.

Years of tantrums and blaming would kill any joy of sex.

Can you ever imagine wanting to have sex with him regularly again?

If not, what if you told him straight out that he has totally put you off ever having sex with him again. He will never get to fuck you again so stop trying. And you understand he might want to end the marriage given that. Seems like the only reasonable approach.

[DetestableHerytike]

He is abusine, shoving you and breaking things.

Cat silver, your relationship sounds horrid too, stropping when you have your period FFS