Pestering/lack of labido

[Cinnamon5]

I would really like some advice from other mummies on this.
We have been together 9 years two small children.
Since the birth of both children my sex drive is low. Normal stuff, body different, I had a lot of tearing etc and physical damage after the birth of my first child. Things don't feel the same unfortunately!!!
For years now it's been a problem in our relationship.
The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I do occasionally agree, but it's normally after a night out and a few drinks. May only be 2/3 times a year!!!
I lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.
Of course he completely blames me for my lack of sex drive, and it's me that needs help. His pestering and moods etc are just a symptom of lack of sex and he will not take blame for it.
In fact I've been to the doctors twice in 4 years (requested by him) and both times they have reassured me it's normal to feel lack of sex drive etc and his behaviour is unacceptable on all levels. My last visit last year told me it's abuse and I should get professional help. Of course I didn't tell him this.

I'm at my wits end with it all. I'm constantly on egg shells and feel really hurt by the accusations he throws at me and how it's all ME!

Please advise, I know I'm not fulfilling him but is this acceptable behaviour for me to lay awake crying, being treated like this, accused of being frigid etc on a daily basis.
I'm at breaking point. X

[DetestableHerytike]

He is abusine, shoving you and breaking things.

Cat silver, your relationship sounds horrid too, stropping when you have your period FFS

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

His idea of romancing you into being totally desperate to rip his pants off is to slam a door so hard it breaks, sulk for days, have a tantrum and to call you names?

I wouldn't think that's particularly effective. It wouldn't make me horny.

In fact, I think only a few instances of it would make my clit retract up to my ribcage at the mere thought of doing him.

Years of tantrums and blaming would kill any joy of sex.

Can you ever imagine wanting to have sex with him regularly again?

If not, what if you told him straight out that he has totally put you off ever having sex with him again. He will never get to fuck you again so stop trying. And you understand he might want to end the marriage given that. Seems like the only reasonable approach.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Yy to 5 pps..was starting to think I'd dropped into the 1950s

Hope you are ok OP and can get some help.

[Zaurak]

Christ. It doesn't matter how sexually frustrated one party is - the approach they should take is to respect the other, Talk about it, perhaps have some couples counselling if both would like to resolve the issue.
When you're at the point your partner is tantrumming, pestering, pushing you bodily out of bed, breaking things etc - that is abuse.

Many couples have mismatched libidos in the years with small children. You talk about it and respect each other's bodily autonomy - you do not coerce the other person into sex.

anything less than enthusiastic willingness is not consent how many fucking times do we have to spell this out??

Op, leave him. He can have a fulfilling relationship with his hand.

[Janey50]

It never ceases to amaze me that some men (not all) seem to think that your desire for sex with them is going to be increased by behaving like a total arse towards you! Lost count of the times I have heard stories of somebody's partner being a cunt pig all day,then come bedtime,suddenly expect you to be all loving and receptive to their advances. Yeah right.

[WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid]

Being rejected by your partner sexually is horrible (I've been there, when dh had no sex drive and he's experienced me with no sex drive).

There is however no excuse for his behaviour. It's abuse.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

I know this is going to seem like a really inadequate suggestion to other posters but if you're still reading OP, can you get yourself into a different bed or room? It was suggested to me a while ago on here and has helped.

I used arthritis and insomnia as an excuse. I don't think he likes it but lives with it. I'm sleeping on the floor in dc2s room. Not ideal but better. Might help while you get your head round things.

You are dealing with more aggression than I am so sorry if this is not a good idea for you

[Zarah123]

He's enjoying the power this gives him. Please leave him.

[liletsthepink]

I'm shocked at some of the advice on this thread. Op's husband is abusive and the reason she doesn't want sex with him is because he is abusive. Nobody would feel like sleeping with a man who calls you names, pushes you out of bed and watches porn while you try to sleep! Your lack of labido is your body trying to protect itself against a man who doesn't make you feel loved, safe or appreciated.

Op, I'm absolutely 100% sure that if you divirced this horrid man your libido would reappear.

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Fuck me this thread is scary
Op, it's not a libido issue. He's abusive. Contact women's aid and make plans to leave.
And sandy - if you are really a relationship counsellor I'm flabbergasted. You're really really bad at it.

[RubbishMantra]

How can shoving somebody forcefully enough, that they're pushed out of bed, onto the floor, presumably, not be classed as assault?

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Sandy the OP could contact the police. The police should take it seriously if she did.

However, she is under no obligation to do so.

It is your choice OP.

However, WA is definitely a good idea.

Let me reassure you once more that his behaviour is unacceptable.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Husky have my first ODFOD.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

^^ more minimising and excusing going on there husky

There are no grey areas here, his response is most definitely abusive. There are no circumstances when that kind of response could be anything less. Being at the end of his tether just does not factor. Is she being abusive by withholding sex? No, if she can't bring herself to have sex because she of the way she feels, she has every right to refuse. Any decent man would respect that and support her. She isn't refusing in order to annoy, upset or hurt him - that's the difference. His actions are deliberate with the intention of hurting her.

It is perfectly understandable that he might be frustrated due to the lack of sex in their relationship, but you have to accept that relationships do change over time and sex lives often change. Couples can work through that together when one partner is not abusive. There is no hope when one person is capable of treating their partner in such a way.

[HuskyLover1]

This relationship sounds totally grim.

I presume that your libido's were in tune at some point, or I suspect that you wouldn't have married. You have now changed, and I guess you expect him to just accept that? But it's not that easy, is it?

Yes, it's understandable that your libido may have waned, however, it is unrealistic to expect your DH to simply "suck it up" and resign himself to having no sex life when he is in (I presume) his 30's/40's.

His way of dealing with the rejection is bad (obviously), however, he is extremely sexually frustrated, rejected constantly and is no doubt at the very end of his tether.

Is it abuse? Perhaps? Only you will know if you feel abused. There are many people on MN who project though, so don't get persuaded by them, go with how you really feel. You could argue that marrying someone, and then changing the whole dynamic of the relationship/constantly pushing them away and withholding sex ....well, isn't that a bit abusive also?

Anyhow, the relationship is a dead duck. Get out. Everyone deserves to be in a truly passionate loving relationship, which this clearly is never going to be. You are both living a half life (at best).

[Kallyno]

I am appalled at some of the advice on here, in particular from the poster Sandy who writes:

The fundamental issue which has led to the unwanted advances are the low libido.

I hope to goodness you are not in a professional position, Sandy. If you are then your understanding is about twenty years out of date.

This woman has twice visited her GP who has confirmed there is nothing medically wrong (and it sounds as though she was interested in sex prior to the children) and therefore her "low libido" as you call it (I call it not finding yourself in an arousing situation) is a relationship issue, not an individual issue. His frustration and disappointment are understandable, imo (because other than when I had small children I am interested in and enjoy sex and hate it when I am keen and my husband is not), but his behaviour is absolutely not. His behaviour is abuse and, contrary to what some muppets on here are claiming, it is quite clearly illegal because consent is not considered given unless it is given freely. I think the legal wording for the uk is something like "agrees by choice". Pestering, threatening, begging, etc. all mean that consent cannot be freely given. It matters not that they are married/ have children together/ had sex before, etc., etc. You would think some of the posters on here are writing from Victorian Britain!

Because the abuse has been going on for so long and has become such normalised behaviour for this man, it seems very unlikely that this relationship can be salvaged and turned into a mutually satisfying, respectful partnership. I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP but take heart from the stories others on here have shared and know that your disinterest in sex with this man in these circumstances is entirely normal and reasonable. It's time to save yourself and LTB.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I cannot believe that after reading this^^
I read this kind of response...
"It appears to be a little broken at the moment so you need to find a way to fix it"

Seriously WTF?
Sex is important in many relationships, but his behaviour is inexcusable and abusive.
If he was upset because he missed being intimate, then there would be room to find a compromise and work together towards a solution that worked for both of them, but that isn't what is going on here. This relationship is long past being able to fix it with a bit of counselling. He does not have a shred of respect, love of care for her - that cannot be fixed.

[postmanpatscat]

cinnamon if there's a 1-10 scale in this situation, yours is a 10. I ended my marriage largely because of this sort of behaviour and my situation would have been about a 6 on that scale. exH used to play similar cards, and would not take no for an answer, it went on and on, night after night.

Please don't put up with this behaviour, your body is yours to share only if you choose.

[WappersReturns]

Pushing your wife off the bed because she refuses to have sex is not "pestering". Good grief what planet are we on here?
OP you do not deserve to be treated like this, he's a twat and he won't change.

[SeemsLegit]

I pray to God if I ever needed a counsellor I wouldn't get one like sandy

[SandyY2K]

The OP should contact the police and report it as sexual harassment. No need to be married to a man who abuses and sexually harrases you.

Get out - women's aid can help.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Which husband or wife would like knowing their spouse needs to have had a few drinks or be drunk to DTD. That's pure humiliation

FFS. What thread are you reading? what makes you think the OPs husband would care?

SmallLegs this is exactly the same shit I had from Relate in a similar relationship which also had anger and control issues on top of the sex stuff.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.

Abuse.

lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.

Abuse.

The OP has been to the GP.

The GP says it is abuse.

Sandy I really worry that you are giving people advice in a professional capacity if you can't see this.

And yes it is fucking illegal. Groping someone who has asked you not to is sexual assault. As a professional it should not be news to you that this is agaibst the law. It is also covered by coersive control.

Yes there are two sides in a dysfunctional sexual rs but the two sides in abuse is an abuser and a victim and people who try to urgethe victim to make a bit more effort are allies of the abuser.

Are you counselling from a religious background?

[SandyY2K]

Divorce is the best thing here.
There is too much hate and resentment from the OP and her DH most likely.

If you need to be drunk to sleep with your DH - there is nothing to salvage. The attraction just isn't there and you don't fancy him anymore. When another man lights your fire - You'll be all over him.

Which husband or wife would like knowing their spouse needs to have had a few drinks or be drunk to DTD. That's pure humiliation and the whole situation is a vicious cycle of discontent on both sides.

No need flogging a dead horse.

If not divorce have an open marriage.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

You'd have a hard time proving that in a court of law.

I have many problems with what you say but other posters have a much better grasps of the issues and explain it better.

But I'm not sure what your point is about having a hard time proving it in a court of law. Yes, you would indeed. That in no way makes it any more or less legal or right.

It does however mean that where there is abuse women sadly can't rely on the legal process and therefore makes the support and messages they get so important.