Pestering/lack of labido

[Cinnamon5]

I would really like some advice from other mummies on this.
We have been together 9 years two small children.
Since the birth of both children my sex drive is low. Normal stuff, body different, I had a lot of tearing etc and physical damage after the birth of my first child. Things don't feel the same unfortunately!!!
For years now it's been a problem in our relationship.
The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I do occasionally agree, but it's normally after a night out and a few drinks. May only be 2/3 times a year!!!
I lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.
Of course he completely blames me for my lack of sex drive, and it's me that needs help. His pestering and moods etc are just a symptom of lack of sex and he will not take blame for it.
In fact I've been to the doctors twice in 4 years (requested by him) and both times they have reassured me it's normal to feel lack of sex drive etc and his behaviour is unacceptable on all levels. My last visit last year told me it's abuse and I should get professional help. Of course I didn't tell him this.

I'm at my wits end with it all. I'm constantly on egg shells and feel really hurt by the accusations he throws at me and how it's all ME!

Please advise, I know I'm not fulfilling him but is this acceptable behaviour for me to lay awake crying, being treated like this, accused of being frigid etc on a daily basis.
I'm at breaking point. X

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Yes, she can leave and if I were her, I would. I doubt he'll change. His attitude shows a fundamental lack of respect.

And no I don't expect him to be happy without sex. I do expect him not to be abusive.

If he were a decent husband and human being he would either give the OP some space or he would take steps to end the marriage and not constantly harrass.

Why can't he just stop groping and pestering her or do you think that is ok?

That is what the OP is about. He is pestering her she doesn't like it. She has asked him to stop. He hasn't stopped.

You said you give your body to your partner on marriage. That is why marital rape was brought up. Just because you marry someone does not mean consent is a given. Marriage does not give you ownership over another person's body.

Sex may be an expectation of marriage. It is not a right. Love is also an expectation of marriage. So is respect.

If you have no wish to respect your partner you may as well not be married to them.

If the OPs dp had posted and said his dw had lower libido (I am assuming he wouldn't admit to the sexual.pestering) I would say

1. have you considered how tired your dw is? Do you help.out?
   
2. do you offer affection without expecting sex?
   
3. are you prepared to wait? If not, then regretfully you may have to accept your rs is over.
   
   I wouldn't say hell yes, she owes it to you bug her until she gives it up.
   
   If the OP said she had gone off her dh and that makes him unhappy, I'd ask if she thought it was permanent or could it be worked on.
   
   But that isn't the case here- THIS IS ABUSE. It is illegal for a reason. Abuse is not an expectation of marriage.

[SandyY2K]

My first post suggested a number of things her DH should do if her were asking for advice about this. The ones you mentioned are among them.

I don't think the pestering is okay, but I think an objective view is required. He's probably acting out of desperation, which would be equally annoying. I'm saying this because I see the flipside of this where men come to me to ask for help.

Their feeling is one of rejection and feeling unloved and quite stripped at being reduced to begging their wife for sex and getting turned down time and again. I say they should leave,.but they'll say they don't want to be a pt dad, or they still love their wives or finances. A whole bunch of reasons or excuses.

Some are insistent they won't have another man seeing their kids more than they do and a few have been victims of CSA (childhood sexual abuse) as a child, so they'll never leave their child. You don't know their motivation for not leaving or for not just having a discreet affair and leaving their wife alone.

When you want to help someone you must be objective and not just vilify the other spouse and fail to take into account their feelings.

This couple need professional help.

OP You may find this link helpful


www.m.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/features/loss-of-sexual-desire-in-women

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

SandyY2K do you work for Relate?

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

But Sandy what he is doing is abuse? Do you not see that? This has gone beyond mismatched sex drives and into abuse.

There is no seeing both sides in abuse. There is no meeting halfway. The victim does not have to take 50% of the responsibility for ending the abuse.

The abuser has to stop being abusive.

That is why couples counselling is not recommended in these cases and I would hope to god if someone came to see you under thise circumstances you would tell them first and foremost to stop abusing their partner!

You are effectively telling a victim of DV hmm maybe he has a point. He has rights. He has needs. No he fucking does not!

He has wants.
The OP has wants. Her body is her body.
Her wants and feeling are no less valid than his.

His actions are wrong.

[clam]

"Giving" your body to your spouse is a little different to them "taking " it.

[SandyY2K]

I don't believe I read that he forced her to have sex here. I think she gives in 2/3 times a year even though she doesn't have the desire just to shut him up or outof duty.

He's basically hassling her for sex and I don't think she never wants to have sex with him ever again, she wishes (from what I interpret) that she had the desire, but she doesn't.

That's what needs to be looked at. I reiterate if you can never see a problem from the other person's perspective, you would not a good problem solver.

Counselling is about letting the other person know how their actions affect you. He needs to know how she feels and she needs to know how how he feels.

One MM told me that after years of rejection from his wife, he just thought he was crap in bed. He felt worthless and humiliated every time she knocked him back. He would leave the bed and cry downstairs. Those are his feelings and you can't argue about how another person feels. You just can't.

I went through all the stuff about pampering and helping her out and being romantic. He'd tried it all.

Eventually he had an affair (well he had a few actually). He says only then did he realise he wasn't crap in bed and he had a woman who didn't cringe at his touch.

I initially told him to stop approaching her for sex and see how long it would be till anything happened. 7 months later, still nothing, but she asked if he was having an affair - because he hadn't asked for sex and wasn't grumpy. He was fed up of the 'duty sex'

I hate infidelity so I said just get divorced - but men (many of them) really value their money and that's why he would not divorce. He decided he wasn't going to live without sex, but he wasn't getting divorced either.

Despite all this he said he loves his wife, but she has a problem and refuses to get checked out with her GP.

The fundamental issue which has led to the unwanted advances are the low libido. The act of asking your wife for sex repeatedly does not constitute abuse in my opinion. You'd have a hard time proving that in a court of law.

[SandyY2K]

Does the OP feel she is being abused ? I think her description of pestering was more accurate.

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

You'd have a hard time proving that in a court of law.

I have many problems with what you say but other posters have a much better grasps of the issues and explain it better.

But I'm not sure what your point is about having a hard time proving it in a court of law. Yes, you would indeed. That in no way makes it any more or less legal or right.

It does however mean that where there is abuse women sadly can't rely on the legal process and therefore makes the support and messages they get so important.

[SandyY2K]

Divorce is the best thing here.
There is too much hate and resentment from the OP and her DH most likely.

If you need to be drunk to sleep with your DH - there is nothing to salvage. The attraction just isn't there and you don't fancy him anymore. When another man lights your fire - You'll be all over him.

Which husband or wife would like knowing their spouse needs to have had a few drinks or be drunk to DTD. That's pure humiliation and the whole situation is a vicious cycle of discontent on both sides.

No need flogging a dead horse.

If not divorce have an open marriage.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.

Abuse.

lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.

Abuse.

The OP has been to the GP.

The GP says it is abuse.

Sandy I really worry that you are giving people advice in a professional capacity if you can't see this.

And yes it is fucking illegal. Groping someone who has asked you not to is sexual assault. As a professional it should not be news to you that this is agaibst the law. It is also covered by coersive control.

Yes there are two sides in a dysfunctional sexual rs but the two sides in abuse is an abuser and a victim and people who try to urgethe victim to make a bit more effort are allies of the abuser.

Are you counselling from a religious background?

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Which husband or wife would like knowing their spouse needs to have had a few drinks or be drunk to DTD. That's pure humiliation

FFS. What thread are you reading? what makes you think the OPs husband would care?

SmallLegs this is exactly the same shit I had from Relate in a similar relationship which also had anger and control issues on top of the sex stuff.

[SandyY2K]

The OP should contact the police and report it as sexual harassment. No need to be married to a man who abuses and sexually harrases you.

Get out - women's aid can help.

[SeemsLegit]

I pray to God if I ever needed a counsellor I wouldn't get one like sandy

[WappersReturns]

Pushing your wife off the bed because she refuses to have sex is not "pestering". Good grief what planet are we on here?
OP you do not deserve to be treated like this, he's a twat and he won't change.

[postmanpatscat]

cinnamon if there's a 1-10 scale in this situation, yours is a 10. I ended my marriage largely because of this sort of behaviour and my situation would have been about a 6 on that scale. exH used to play similar cards, and would not take no for an answer, it went on and on, night after night.

Please don't put up with this behaviour, your body is yours to share only if you choose.

[AnecdotalEvidence]

The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I cannot believe that after reading this^^
I read this kind of response...
"It appears to be a little broken at the moment so you need to find a way to fix it"

Seriously WTF?
Sex is important in many relationships, but his behaviour is inexcusable and abusive.
If he was upset because he missed being intimate, then there would be room to find a compromise and work together towards a solution that worked for both of them, but that isn't what is going on here. This relationship is long past being able to fix it with a bit of counselling. He does not have a shred of respect, love of care for her - that cannot be fixed.

[Kallyno]

I am appalled at some of the advice on here, in particular from the poster Sandy who writes:

The fundamental issue which has led to the unwanted advances are the low libido.

I hope to goodness you are not in a professional position, Sandy. If you are then your understanding is about twenty years out of date.

This woman has twice visited her GP who has confirmed there is nothing medically wrong (and it sounds as though she was interested in sex prior to the children) and therefore her "low libido" as you call it (I call it not finding yourself in an arousing situation) is a relationship issue, not an individual issue. His frustration and disappointment are understandable, imo (because other than when I had small children I am interested in and enjoy sex and hate it when I am keen and my husband is not), but his behaviour is absolutely not. His behaviour is abuse and, contrary to what some muppets on here are claiming, it is quite clearly illegal because consent is not considered given unless it is given freely. I think the legal wording for the uk is something like "agrees by choice". Pestering, threatening, begging, etc. all mean that consent cannot be freely given. It matters not that they are married/ have children together/ had sex before, etc., etc. You would think some of the posters on here are writing from Victorian Britain!

Because the abuse has been going on for so long and has become such normalised behaviour for this man, it seems very unlikely that this relationship can be salvaged and turned into a mutually satisfying, respectful partnership. I'm so sorry for what you've been through OP but take heart from the stories others on here have shared and know that your disinterest in sex with this man in these circumstances is entirely normal and reasonable. It's time to save yourself and LTB.

[HuskyLover1]

This relationship sounds totally grim.

I presume that your libido's were in tune at some point, or I suspect that you wouldn't have married. You have now changed, and I guess you expect him to just accept that? But it's not that easy, is it?

Yes, it's understandable that your libido may have waned, however, it is unrealistic to expect your DH to simply "suck it up" and resign himself to having no sex life when he is in (I presume) his 30's/40's.

His way of dealing with the rejection is bad (obviously), however, he is extremely sexually frustrated, rejected constantly and is no doubt at the very end of his tether.

Is it abuse? Perhaps? Only you will know if you feel abused. There are many people on MN who project though, so don't get persuaded by them, go with how you really feel. You could argue that marrying someone, and then changing the whole dynamic of the relationship/constantly pushing them away and withholding sex ....well, isn't that a bit abusive also?

Anyhow, the relationship is a dead duck. Get out. Everyone deserves to be in a truly passionate loving relationship, which this clearly is never going to be. You are both living a half life (at best).

[AnecdotalEvidence]

^^ more minimising and excusing going on there husky

There are no grey areas here, his response is most definitely abusive. There are no circumstances when that kind of response could be anything less. Being at the end of his tether just does not factor. Is she being abusive by withholding sex? No, if she can't bring herself to have sex because she of the way she feels, she has every right to refuse. Any decent man would respect that and support her. She isn't refusing in order to annoy, upset or hurt him - that's the difference. His actions are deliberate with the intention of hurting her.

It is perfectly understandable that he might be frustrated due to the lack of sex in their relationship, but you have to accept that relationships do change over time and sex lives often change. Couples can work through that together when one partner is not abusive. There is no hope when one person is capable of treating their partner in such a way.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Husky have my first ODFOD.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Sandy the OP could contact the police. The police should take it seriously if she did.

However, she is under no obligation to do so.

It is your choice OP.

However, WA is definitely a good idea.

Let me reassure you once more that his behaviour is unacceptable.

[RubbishMantra]

How can shoving somebody forcefully enough, that they're pushed out of bed, onto the floor, presumably, not be classed as assault?

[LadyStarkOfWinterfell]

Fuck me this thread is scary
Op, it's not a libido issue. He's abusive. Contact women's aid and make plans to leave.
And sandy - if you are really a relationship counsellor I'm flabbergasted. You're really really bad at it.

[liletsthepink]

I'm shocked at some of the advice on this thread. Op's husband is abusive and the reason she doesn't want sex with him is because he is abusive. Nobody would feel like sleeping with a man who calls you names, pushes you out of bed and watches porn while you try to sleep! Your lack of labido is your body trying to protect itself against a man who doesn't make you feel loved, safe or appreciated.

Op, I'm absolutely 100% sure that if you divirced this horrid man your libido would reappear.

[Zarah123]

He's enjoying the power this gives him. Please leave him.