Pestering/lack of labido

[Cinnamon5]

I would really like some advice from other mummies on this.
We have been together 9 years two small children.
Since the birth of both children my sex drive is low. Normal stuff, body different, I had a lot of tearing etc and physical damage after the birth of my first child. Things don't feel the same unfortunately!!!
For years now it's been a problem in our relationship.
The constant pestering with hands all over me during the night, tantrums when I ask him to stop, calling me names, leaving me to sleep on inches of my side if the bed, then watching porn while I'm trying to sleep, the list is endless.
I do occasionally agree, but it's normally after a night out and a few drinks. May only be 2/3 times a year!!!
I lay in tears some nights, he rants off around the house slamming doors then sulks for days on end.
I'm beginning to really hate him.
I've begged and pleaded he stops pestering me and my want for him may come back. I've begged for cuddles and decent nights sleep, but now after years and years of it I'm emotionally exhausted.
Of course he completely blames me for my lack of sex drive, and it's me that needs help. His pestering and moods etc are just a symptom of lack of sex and he will not take blame for it.
In fact I've been to the doctors twice in 4 years (requested by him) and both times they have reassured me it's normal to feel lack of sex drive etc and his behaviour is unacceptable on all levels. My last visit last year told me it's abuse and I should get professional help. Of course I didn't tell him this.

I'm at my wits end with it all. I'm constantly on egg shells and feel really hurt by the accusations he throws at me and how it's all ME!

Please advise, I know I'm not fulfilling him but is this acceptable behaviour for me to lay awake crying, being treated like this, accused of being frigid etc on a daily basis.
I'm at breaking point. X

[Myusernameismyusername]

I am single now but I read this and it reminded me of years of the same thing. He used to try to get me drunk so I would agree. He didn't think there was anything wrong with being such an annoying pest and didn't listen to anything I ever said which just made him more and more unattractive to me.
I hope you are ok. This is not ok for you. I know it's hard but you can't live like this clearly so unhappy.
It's ok to want sex it is not ok to demand it like this

[Out2pasture]

OP only you know if this is abusive behaviour and if leaving is in your best interest.
But would you consider having sex with him on a slightly regular basis whether your 100% interested or not just to regain some intimacy and rebuild the relationship. If PIV is not appealing at all would you consider oral or just mutual masterbation.
Setting a regular schedule might stop the pestering etc.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Op, I think you are trapped in a vicious circle. Sex 2-3 times a year is not a sex life ! His behaviour is not conducive to a happy marriage nor is it likely to make you want to do it more

. Been where you are. Spent years avoiding/pretending to be asleep/making excuses about hormones and body changes. Eventually he had an affair. We split. (I didn't want sex with him but didn't want anyone else to have sex with him either !) I met my now DH. Couldn't keep me from wanting to get his pants off ! Never had a sex life like it... I'm a convert ! Turns out I love sex, just not with my ex. (Who btw is lovely and remarried to a lady who also loves having sex )

It is utterly miserable to be in both you and your DH situation. Constant rejection is beyond awful but he is dealing with it very badly, quite honestly, he needs to leave you and find a woman he is more compatible with or you to begin divorce proceedings on the grounds of his unreasonable behaviour. There is no excuse for abusive behaviour. If he is so exasperated that he 'feels' driven to this, he needs to walk out the door and not come back.

[goddessofsmallthings]

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here //www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact today while your abusive h is away from home..

[donajimena]

marilyn I agree 100% with what you said. I have a few friends who discovered that they do indeed have a healthy sex drive. Just not with their exes..

[MissMargie]

My husband would pester. At the time I put up with it.

Looking back (old now so not much pestering at all whew) I think I should have sat down with him in a quiet time when we had 2-3 hours to talk without interruption and been clear that it's not acceptable to me.

That he needs to act the adult - sulking not ok, aggressive behavior not ok. And decide where you are going. For me it would have been an agreement that sex is on this this and this night and no prodding, pestering or similar happens any other time. Explain that you won't be won round to more and if it continues you will leave.

Oh, and sex consist of X or Y and must last no more than however minutes. Once you are more in control you might start to enjoy it more.

But he sounds a bully and is he worth the effort?

[SandyY2K]

Well as you haven't got the desire and he's very dominant with you, your marriage isn't in a good place.

Unless you have a professional third party it will only get worse.

Has the intimacy ever been good with him?
Was he always dominant and oppressing towards you? Before marriage?

[donajimena]

missmargie did you really timetable sex or did I read that wrong?

[ToomuchChocolatemeansBootcamp]

He is being abusive. He doesn't care about you, your feelings or your relationship. You are an object to control and he wants you to behave however he sees fit, with NO concern for your well being.

I NEVER say LTB on here. You have my very first one OP. Please get out. You deserve so much better in life.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Look, mismatched libidos can make both partners in a relationship miserable. It is a problem that can be overcome, sometimes with the help of an outside professional. sometimes with a bit of talking and listening.
BUT nothing will work when one partner is abusive, which is the situation described by OP. This is not about 'sex', this is about bullying and control. No wonder she doesn't want sex with him - why would anyone want to have sex with a man who clearly hates women?

[Frustratedfrankie]

Cinnamon5 thank you for posting this thread I have been keeping an eye on it. I have commented on various threads the last few months about partners and lack of libido but none of them have hit me in quite the way yours has. I am your husband in my relationship - or atleast to some degree, some of the things he does to you are just awful and I hope I am at not at his level! - My OH has been depressed for the last year probably and as a result his interest in sex has just nose dived and I have taken it really badly. To me sex is the glue that binds a relationship right now I just feel like a friendly house keeper :( Whilst I am not sticking up for your husband in any way, there are no words to describe how humiliating and soul destroying it is when the one you love and who loves you can't bear to be touched by you or rejects your advances yet again - to love and be loved is all we want in life isn't it. I am currently at the sulky and probably name calling/micky taking stage but never really thought how it must make him feel the trouble is I don't know how to stop it. Some nights I have to sleep in another bed just because I can no longer lie there next to him feeling repulsive. It's such a horrible circle to get into it and I don't ever want to feel like he feels forced to have sex with me I want him to want to. I'm digressing a little but just wanted to say thank you, reading it from your point of view has made me stop and think about what I am doing and whether I want to be in this situation for the rest of my life too or if I should just put us both out of our misery, I can't help but think like others have said, that maybe it's just me he can't bear the thought of having sex with that or he's actually having an affair and all this depression talk is bullshit.

As alot of my friends (and people on here have said) only we know what our limits are I hope you find yours and can either resolve this situation or move on from it and be happy. Sometimes life isn't as lonely on your own as your think it will be. Hugs and

[MissMargie]

missmargie did you really timetable sex or did I read that wrong

No I didn't but I wish I had - very pestering DH for years, sex every night regardless. I begged for every second night (2 DCs under 3) but it would be nudge, nudge or grope grope just when I was going to sleep or before I had woken up. Am furious I put up with it but it was many years ago and I thought women had to accept that (also no help in house and little with DCs needless to say). No MN then.

If I had at least insisted on sex less often I might have enjoyed it sometimes. Still bear a grudge decades on.

[adora1]

Gawd Margie that's awful, no wonder you still bear a grudge, what a monster.

[iremembericod]

Wow - loads of abuse apologists on here!

This man is very abusive.

It's nothing to do with libido. I can guarantee that you would have no problem with your libido were you with a kind and caring man.

Why on earth he thinks you would want sex with him is an awful thought - because it shows that he doesn't care

He doesn't even care enough to get consent and enthusiasm. You are sub-human to him.

You simply have the LTB, this doesn't get better, it gets worse.

[SandyY2K]

FrustratedF it's good to have your perspective, as people have a tendency to be rather subjective and not consider the other side.

So often it becomes a cycle of behaviour. Like I want sex because he asks for it and I refuse, then he has to ask and constantly be rejected apart from 3 times a year, so that causes him to get frustrated and angry - which makes you not want him near you.

I've heard many many similar stories from his perspective.

"My wife doesn't love me. She won't have sex with me. I have to literally beg and she'll agree occasionally but I can see it's out of duty and it's rubbish sex"

In comes OW and spews hatred at his wife from a distance with " he's been treated so badly by her". "She cringes when he touches her and it makes him so sad" "She didn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either"

Then of course the OW wonders why the BW is distraught to hear of an affair and says "did she really think he was happy." "Or she never loved him anyway and was always pushing him away"

Then of course the famous one of. "He was so miserable until he met me and I make his marriage bearable"

It really is all about how you see it from where you stand and how you feel. To only see a situation from your own POV is unhelpful in marriage.

What you should not do is blame all the marital problems on one person.

[Marilynsbigsister]

Sorry Iremember those of us 'apologists' live in the real world. Sex 2or 3 times a year when that is not compatible with your partner, is absolutely horrendous. You have obviously not lived with the crushing,soul destroying rejection that results from this type of set up. It takes much much more than the patients of a saint to bare it and perhaps he hasn't handled it as best he can but just try walking in his shoes for 6months and imagine what it's like to sleep next to the person you love, fancy and are married to, with them telling you every time, that you don't want them..

Why do I feel so strongly ? Because I was in exactly the same boat as the OP. Young kids, simply couldn't be arsed . Too tired, didn't like my body, you name it I had an excuse for it. Ex Husband tried. Tried just about all methods from cuddles/understanding to anger and guilt tripping. Nothing worked. I wasn't interested. I didn't want to discuss it. I said stop hassling me and perhaps I'll want it...so he left me be, six months on with not a word, no trying it on, nothing. Got into bed and went to sleep. Did I suddenly want to jump his bones ? No. Turns out, the less you have it, the less you want. He had an affair. Don't blame him. He had tried for nearly three years. I didn't want to have sex with him, but as it happened didn't want him to have sex with anyone else either. My lovely ex husband left.

I have remarried. He married the OW (who is lovely). Turns out I do like sex. Just not with my ex !
Can't wait to get DH's pants off.

Be kind OP. Let your DH go. Let him find someone who wants him, entirely and intimately. Constant rejection is unbelievably cruel. If you don't want to split then the options are only two. 1. Fake it till you make it. And 2. Discuss an open marriage.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

OP this is abuse.
He won't change and he won't see your POV.

FfS NO! To those suggesting counselling (he will just use this to abuse, accuse and berate the OP further) and NO to the OP trying a bit harder, meeting him half way or lying back and doing it.

He does not need sex. He wants sex.

And he can ftfo and get it elsewhere.

The way it works is:
The partner who does not want sex has the absolute veto. No ifs no buts.
The partner who wants sex can be patient or they can leave.
You have no right to coerce someone else into sex. It isn't enjoyable. It isn't nice. And it isn't legal either.

Sorry OP. He's a shit. LTB

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Marilyn he can leave.
I have been in that situation, I talked it through with them realisedwe were not compatiblr and left to find someone with a higher sex drive because I don't want to fuck someone that does not want sex

[NearlyAlmostDidIt]

This was me.

Dh wanted sex 2-3 times a week regardless of the fact that I didn't really want it.

Most people wouldn't say that less than twice a week was depriving him.......but he did.

He did almost nothing around the house and almost nothing with our children and then wondered why I was too tired for sex.

We split up a year ago as he couldn't see that his constant pestering for sex was unreasonable. Me saying no wasn't an acceptable answer according to him

[SolidGoldBrass]

While there are plenty of cases (in heterosexual relationships) where it is the man who doesn't want sex and the woman who does, this is still a gendered issue. We have had thousands of years of people being told that sex is something men are entitled to do to the women they own - and that they can do it to any woman not visibly owned by another man if they so wish - and that women don't like sex but are obliged to let men do it to them. Add to that the fact that people have also been told that women owe men domestic service, too, and you get poisonous situations like the one the OP (and many other women) are in - a man who expects obedience, compliance, never to have to lift a finger in the home, and a hole to stick his dick in whenever he feels like it.
A woman with a higher libido than her partner is likely to blame herself, take the usual shit advice about depriving herself of food and buying uncomfortable underwear, etc. A man with a high libido blames the woman for not being interested even when she has told him that she is exhausted and that him doing his share of domestic work will make her less tired and more attracted to him. It's also very often the case that men with this mindset are shit at sex anyway - they have no interest in making sex enjoyable for the woman, which of course makes her even more reluctant to lie back and be spunked in when it's boring and uncomfortable for her...

[SandyY2K]

He does notneedsex. He wants sex

^^ This is your opinion. You are not the OPs husband and you do not know his needs.

A wife may need respect or help round the house. Some may argue that it's a want and not a need.

Part of marriage is giving yourself/your body to your spouse. Now if your libido is low or you aren't up for it that's one thing, but please let's not try and say it's a normal healthy sexual relationship to have sex 3 times a year.

When I read about couples who haven't had sex in 5 years and then the wife is suprised he's had an affair - I just shake my head in disbelief. Bury your head in the sand if you want in this scenario, but some people feel being rejected and denied sex is abusive.

It's all about perspectives. This isn't an exact science.
Let him have an open marriage.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

sandy i totally disagree. It's a want.
Food is a need. Air is a need.
Sex is a want. He won't die if he doesn't get it. He won't explode if he doesn't get it.

Yes he might be a bit pissed off.

And no I am not saying sex 3 times a year is a healthy sex life. Nor is being an abusive bastard healthy.

The OP is 100% absolutely and unequivocally allowed to refuse sex. It is HER body not his.

Why does his want supercede the OPs? She does not want to be pestered. Being groped when you don't consent is sexual assault. It really isn't part of a healthy sex life. It is abuse, pure and simple.

Sex is something you do with someone not to them.
SGBs post has nailed it.

If the OPs DH cannot be patient and stop pestering then he should leave.

The OP is right her nsdp is WRONG.

He can choose to not stay in a sexless marriage. A marriage which he hasn't even tried to help by backing off giving OP time and some help instead of daily abuse.

He does not have the right to repeatedly grope, harrass and pester the OP, nor to call her names and sulk. It is abuse and it is against the law.

I have been in rs where I have been with a respecting dp and I have had the lower libido at times and I have 'made the effort' on occasion through choice and it has got back on track and I have been in the position where I was the one with the higher libido and I understand how much that can undermine esteem but I didn't harrass and grope my partner because I don't want to fuck someone who isn't willingly consenting and I have been in the position of having an abusive partner who harrassed and who complained no matter how much sex they got and it was a massive horrible turn off that put me off them.

If a rs goes through a lt phase of no sex I will leave.
If someone constantly harrasses me I will leave.

I only have sex with people I want to have sex with who want to have sex with me. Otherwise I do without. It is that simple.

Sex is not a right.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

Part of marriage is giving yourself/your body to your spouse.

No. It isn't. Marital rape is illegal precisely because you do not have to 'give your body to your partner'.

[SandyY2K]

Small legs

Just as he can leave, so can she.

If you have no desire to sleep with your husband divorce is an option.

I didn't say she should have sex if she doesn't want. I never suggested marital rape was acceptable. Name calling is equally unacceptable, but an expectation of marriage is a sexual relationship.

There will be reasons things slow down in that area and that's to be expected, but if you expect the OPs DH or any H in that situation to be happy as Larry then that's highly unrealistic.

If you have no desire to give your body to your partner why stay married to them. You might as well be room mates.

Either party can leave this unhappy marriage and as the OP seems fed up with the groping and pestering, she has every right to. Why must it be her DH to leave


I didn't see the OP saying she was forced into having sex with her DH, so why is marital rape being brought up here.