Do I send it

[vintagesun]

Dp cheated on me, we are still together and atm I am happy. But i have a message typed out to OW, I want her to know how much she hurt me. I have given dp hell for this, I've said all these things to him. But I want her to know what she did. I want closure. Do I send it? In the message I'm not horrible or shouty.

[Only1scoop]

So forgive her too in your head, and move on with your relationship if that's what makes you happy.

She's nasty because she's immature and silly....


I'm guessing your DP may be also.

[Pagwatch]

I think you are right to write it and burn it.

Otherwise it may be that you are harbouring a continuing anger with her because you have decided to forgive your husband. So being angry at her gives you a target for your anger.

If I were still wanting to write to her I personally would worry that I wasn't quite as at peace with my husband as I kept saying.

[vintagesun]

I'm not at peace with it at all. But I love dp and I am determined to make it work. I talk it through with him a lot and it has become easier between us.

[Pagwatch]

So maybe that's it.
Maybe you love your DP so being angry with her gives you a place to dump all the anger/upset that you still feel towards him.

[Waltermittythesequel]

Why do you want to write to her?

[vintagesun]

I don't know, I know it won't achieve anything I just had a lot I wanted to say. I feel better after writing it all out

[Waltermittythesequel]

Well that's good.

I think you won't heal properly until you assign her as much importance as she deserves, ie none.

Be angry. Be furious. But with the person who deserves it.

[confusionoftheillusion]

How do you know all these things "for a fact".... My DP left his W for me and to this day she doesn't know we had an affair. She was at great pains to point out to people all the reasons they'd split and that it wasn't because either of them had met someone else. She'd say she knew he hadn't cheated "for a fact" when in fact her H had a 6 mth affair... we were very creative and very discreet. (Btw I'm not proud of this but just trying to give you some insight from the other side.)

I'm sorry love but I don't understand how you can KNOW.

[winkywinkola]

Confusion, you were creative and discreet?
Are you taking the piss?

You weren't at all. You are simply a pair of creepy liars. Yuck. That is all you are. Flesh crawling stuff.

See you back on here when your "prize" gets creative and discreet with someone else.

[vintagesun]

Because I do, I really don't want to get into how I know, but I can promise you I do. I'm not a person who is in denial, nor am I naive or stupid. And with all due respect you don't have to understand.

[confusionoftheillusion]

Fair enough - if you know you know.

winkywola - yep we were liars. Not disputing that but the point I was trying to make was that liars can be very believable and OP's H might be too. But she believes him so end of.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

It's natural to want to have a go at her, she's the woman your dp betrayed you with, he looked at her, wanted her, chose to do whatever he did with her that night, breaking the sanctity of your relationship.

As you have realised though, it will only give her fuel for thinking about you and talking about you and enjoying the 'victory' she had in having your dp chose her over you.

Keep putting yourself first and focusing in what you want and need, and don't rush into letting dp think its all over and forgiven - you can take as much time as you need to move forward.

[loobyloo1234]

Don't send anything OP. Move on. It'll only eat you up. One day I had a friend request on FB from my ExP OW. I had zero idea who she was. Just saw he was our friend in common. I asked him but he said he had no idea who she was. Crazy bitch insane POS. She clearly knew who I was though, but I never blamed her when it did all come out eventually. My ExP was the one in a relationship after all.

Put your energy into working on your relationship. Good luck

[SaveSomeSpendSome]

Please dont send it.

She wont care about your feelings. She will love the fact that she has got to you.

Also as someone said upthread what happens if she replied and said things that you couldnt get out of your head?

Just leave it now and concentrate on making this work with your DP.

[vintagesun]

I hate that I still think about it, I agree though I won't send it

[clarrrp]

Don't send it. Rise above it and move on.

[winkywinkola]

Confusion, just as long as you don't dress up your tawdry deceit as anything else.

[squishee]

Another one saying Don't. Why show her that you are still hurting? She might even enjoy that.
Rise above it and maintain a dignified silence.
Clearly you are not over it. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[squishee]

Dp made a mistake, I forgave him. None of this I needed opinions on, I only asked about the email

This is MN

[vintagesun]

I'm not over it. I'm trying. I feel like writing the email to her helped a lot even though I never sent it. I don't think I'd even realised myself how hurt I still was.
I feel like I should be over it by now, I overheard a 'friend' say that I should be over it by now a few weeks ago.

[Pagwatch]

Which is why you want to send it.
It's unresolved hurt and anger and you want to aim it at her because you don't feel able to aim it at your DP because you forgave him.

Your friend is a dick. If lots of your friends know about it and talk about it you probably feel a little humiliated too.

[vintagesun]

A couple know because they were who I turned to when it happened. This particular friend wasn't helpful, she pretty much told me to shrug it off.

[Pinkheart5915]

I wouldn't send it, your get no more closure than you currently have.

You have chosen to stay with your DP after his affair so you now need to move forward and focus on what sort of future you want with him.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Why should you be 'over it' by now?
What an odd thing for your 'friend' to say.
You do this at your own pace.
In your own time.
There is no time limit or trust that has been shattered.
A heart that has been broken into a million pieces.

As they say:
Trust takes years to build
Seconds to break
and Forever to repair

[squishee]

Sorry OP, I posted too fast, didn't mean that you should be over it. Glad you feel a bit better for having got it down in writing without sending.