Do I send it

[vintagesun]

Dp cheated on me, we are still together and atm I am happy. But i have a message typed out to OW, I want her to know how much she hurt me. I have given dp hell for this, I've said all these things to him. But I want her to know what she did. I want closure. Do I send it? In the message I'm not horrible or shouty.

We were moving away in a year any way we just brought it forward for a fresh start

Actually OP Tigger is trying to stand up for you

Why? You don't know what went on when it happened and it would take a longer thread to explain it all. I never asked for opinions on if me staying with him was the right choice, I asked about the messag and I got some very helpful responses so thank you all for that.

She is talking to me like I am an idiot, which I am not. I have been cheated on before and i have left straight away and not looked back. I have my reasons for staying this time.

Thanks fastday you worded better than I.

None of that comes across from your OP. If you have been here before then it's odd that you think the message is a good idea.

The whole moving thing was a bit weird but you've explained now that it was planned anyway.

It's only been 6 months since you found out? And in that short time you have moved house, he's changed jobs? and now you're happy?

Nah, you haven't even begun to work on this to the point where you can be happy, which is why you're so fixated on the OW for your closure. Though I'm sure the logistics of moving home provided a nice short term distraction.

I was just hoping that she'd think about what she did

Why? Why do you want her to think about it? What purpose will it serve?

he's as much to blame

No, he is much, much, much more to blame. He cheated on you, not her. He fucked someone else while he was with you, not her.

who isn't theirs

He's not property. He doesn't belong to you. He chooses to be with you. He chose to cheat on you. He could choose to do so again, or not. She doesn't factor into that at all.

If you really want to move on, you need to stop focusing on her.

Either she was special in which case you're not as important to him as you should be, or she was available in which case it could have been anyone and therefore all of the blame (as far as you're concerned) lies with him.

I've never cared enough before to consider sending a message if you see what I mean? Before I was always like 'ah well, time to move on' this time it destroyed me. dp told me right away, I've never seen him like it. I'm not an idiot, I did a lot of digging to try and find out if what he was saying was the truth, I didn't just take his word for it. It took a lot for us to get to where we are now. I thought that this message would give me closure but as a lot of people have said it won't so I won't send it.

Please don't OP. My OW was a friend, someone who had described me as her best friend, I still didn't contact her, tempting as it was. Anyone who would do such a shitty thing won't care what you have to say.

Have you considered counselling?

Print it out and have a ceremonial burning of it.

Burning it is a great idea

I actually like that idea, I will do that thanks!
I am on a waiting list for counselling. I think this would also help a lot

I think so, just make sure you're really painfully honest. Feels horrible but you need to make the most of it. Can you pay if it's a long waiting list?

I wish I could but I'm living pay check to pay check at the moment.

The message that he sent to her, which you saw, could well have been for your benefit. I have no idea, how you can be so harsh on her, yet let him back in. He's the one that cheated. It sounds like you're letting him off very lightly

I really haven't. As I said, I've given him hell the past 6 months but you probably won't believe me.

I get it. You've invested something in him and your relationship. He's worth trying to forgive right now. She isn't. You also feel defensive when people say horrible things about him. Like when you're a kid and you can pick on your younger sibling but no one else can. Tough love doesn't work. It's not rational it's just the way you get through it.

Try hard not to focus on her op. She's not worth your time. Good luck.

Thank you razorlightnight that's exactly it.

I would never trust him, this will always be at the back of your mind (talking from experience here).

No. You've 'won' - keep your dignity and your silence.

I wouldn't bother - she won't care and you'll just feel crap afterwards. Trust me I know xx

Don't bother yourself with the woman.

Her justification will be that she has no loyalty to you. Although everyone needs to have some morality to everyone imo.

Some people just have no sense of right or wrong. Has your h suddenly developed one?

Anyway, ow won't have developed one. And she'll either shit her pants or laugh at your email. And then what? Nothing. You'll get nothing.

Just ignore her. Treat her as an irrelevance. That will piss her off more than anything anyway. As time goes by she will become an irrelevance anyway. As to whether your h behaves......

Don't bother.

It might start a dialogue full of things you don't want to hear. Details of their affair, things he'd said to her etc etc

If you've decided to give it a go with H then focus on him.

I say the above as someone who was an OW. If you want to really piss her off then just get on with your life with Your H and treat her as a complete insignificance. Your H had the affair so work through it with him.