Do I send it

[vintagesun]

Dp cheated on me, we are still together and atm I am happy. But i have a message typed out to OW, I want her to know how much she hurt me. I have given dp hell for this, I've said all these things to him. But I want her to know what she did. I want closure. Do I send it? In the message I'm not horrible or shouty.

It wasn't an affair, it was one single occasion. But I do see your point. I won't send it. I've deleted it now.

good choice. I hope you can find a happier place in your marriage

I think that's the best option.

Ignorance is bliss, in any case.

And if she decided to be nasty she could tell you a whole load of stuff that could be true or not, but you will not benefit from hearing it either way.

In my case the OW decided to contact me... She was a psychologist who did relationship counselling and had had a lot of supervision and personal therapy about what had happened and decided to send a sappy little note about how much she had learnt about herself through all this and how much stronger her marriage was as a result. It was couched as an apology but felt like a slap in the face. We are struggling but she is better than ever. Lovely. We even if you get the response you want it may not help you feel the way you expect it to. Writing it out then burning it sounds rather cathartic though.

Oh wow, she sent you a note to tell you how much stronger her own marriage was as a result of damaging yours?! That beggars belief. The delusions of psychological grandeur.... living inside her own ass with letters after her ass's name.

I would have reported her to her professional body, Bossy.

Omg bossy, she actually did that?? Jesus.
I feel a lot better today, I'm not going to give her the satisfaction of knowing how much she hurt me.

She will probably know how much she hurt you (despite popular opinion some OW do feel guilt and empathy) but the best thing you can do is show you're strong now and that is best done by ignoring her....

She may know, but she doesn't care. when I saw her in the street she whispered something to her friend and laughed at me, pretty sure I overheard the word 'fat' in there somewhere....

Is she 15 years old? What a ridiculous childish thing to say. She sounds like a complete twat

all the more reason not to lower yourself to her level

Yep she did. Classy. No point reporting as she had acknowledged it in her supervision therapy. Could have reported it via their workplace too as over work email etc but that would drop my OH in it as well which wouldn't make our situation any easier... I think keeping the moral high ground and not letting her get to you is the way to go. At least in public. In private have a good bitch over a stiff drink to make yourself feel better 😉

I wouldn't.

My friend was in your position and sent it. OW was very apologetic and reasonable in her reply and it made my friend feel even worse because she wanted to demonise her and opening up dialogue with her gave her a personality and emotions etc.

But I angry because after I found out she kept trying to get him, even though he did everything to make her know he wasn't interested including moving to a new town. Who does that? Who goes after someone who isn't theirs?

This is highly unlikely to be true. Cheaters are liars. They have to be. Search on here for threads about people who have discovered their partner is cheating - there are millions of instances where the man has told the partner that the OW started it, was a crazy stalker and won't leave him alone and has told the OW that he's trying to leave his wife but she's unstable and won't let him go. It's really common so don't be a mug and believe this crap. If you choose to stay with him do it with your eyes open.

As regards the email, I wouldn't bother. I have been an OW and I can tell you that very few OW are the evil harlots they are painted. Most of the time the man lies about being single or separated to start with or on the verge of separation. The OW gets sucked in and falls in love. She may feel some guilt about her lover's wife but that is generally overriden by her own unhappiness at the terrible situation. It is very unlikely she would care about anything you say - because she has probably been fed a pack of lies by your husband.

Best outcome is she doesn't care. Worst outcome is she responds with a whole pile of shit you don't want to know. My guess is if you make contact with her you will find out a lot about your husband that you really won't want to know if you are trying to make a go of it. It definitely wasn't just once I can tell you for sure.

Contacting her is like pulling a thread. You may just get a short little tuft of thread but you may find your whole marriage unravels in a pack of lies. It's not worth it. She really won't care what you say either way.

I know for a fact what he told me is true, I'm not going into the various reasons why I know but be assured I am 100% sure he was telling the truth.
I really didn't start the thread to talk about mine and his relationship but to get people's opinions on the email.

Don't bury your head vintage

What yeah said is all true

I'm not, as I said I am 100% sure. I wouldn't say I was if I wasn't.

I'm not, as I said I am 100% sure. I wouldn't say I was if I wasn't.

You can't be 100% sure. There is no way unless you had CCTV on him the whole time. Even if the OW tells you in terms that it was only once, she has a vested interest to lie too. So I'm guessing if you are convinced it is 100% true, he has shown you some emails or texts or something.

Liars can fake stuff easily and deleting a few emails from a chain or a few words here and there can totally change the context. As PPs have said, you are being really naïve if you thing that it was just once or that she was chasing him after he said he wasn't interested. Just reflect on that for a moment. You said yourself "who does that?" - answer in reality very very few people because most people have a low tolerance for rejection.

The reason this matters is because it is relevant to the question of whether to send your email. Assuming you are right and it's a one off + a near stalker, sending the email is a waste of time because you are dealing with a near stalker. It is also a highly provocative move in a stalker's eyes I'd expect. Assuming (which is obviously the case) you are wrong, sending the email is likely to make things worse for you if you are trying to work on your marriage - because you risk opening Pandora's box as it were.

I'm not getting into how I know 100% but I do.
Dp made a mistake, I forgave him. None of this I needed opinions on, I only asked about the email

I wouldn't send it

It's your Dp who has the loyalties with you and broke your trust.

It would achieve nothing.

Don't waste your time.

Another 'don't' here.

You have absolutely no idea what he would have said to her in order to justify his behaviour.

I imagine you're still fragile enough that if she told you, it would be awful to hear.

My 'happily married' friend ended up with hundreds of emails from her DH to the OW detailing why he no longer loved her, never had, their sex life, her parenting skills, the whole shooting match.

She was adamant it was all the scheming OW, who finally forwarded her the correspondence showing her DH had pursued the OW obsessively and the awful things he'd said about his wife to justify it.

It destroyed her.

Keep your dignity and reserve your anger for the one who betrayed you. She really didn't.

I think

Sorry posted too soon.
I think I'm more angry that she's been so nasty to me, I have never done anything to her, I only met her once before al this happened and it was briefly. But to call me names on the street etc? I'd be so ashamed of I had done what she did, not that I ever would.
And before anyone mentions dp, I'm not talking about him here. I'm talking about my anger towards ow. Trust me I've had plenty of anger towards dp.

A mistake? Wow, is that what we call it now.
So he just fell cock first into her vagina!???
Once you can face up to the fact it was NOT a mistake you can maybe get some closure.

But I'm glad you aren't writing to the OW.
She sounds like a childish twat.

You want to move on so that is exactly what you should do.
It's hard not to dwell on things and think things over and over and over!
I know, been there and got the t-shirt.
You're doing a brave thing, rebuilding and often people come out the other side stronger.
Keep working on your marriage and try to put the OW out of your head.

I get that people have very strong opinions on this but being sarcastic or making me out to be stupid isn't fair or nice.
It was a drunken mistake that I forgave him for.
Also I never said he slept with her. Which he didn't. And again yes I know this for a fact. But to me anything from kissing upwards is cheating. Sorry if I didn't make this clear in my op.