Do I send it

[vintagesun]

Dp cheated on me, we are still together and atm I am happy. But i have a message typed out to OW, I want her to know how much she hurt me. I have given dp hell for this, I've said all these things to him. But I want her to know what she did. I want closure. Do I send it? In the message I'm not horrible or shouty.

I'm sorry that it happened to you too. Writing it down made me feel a lot better

If you are feeling more anger to her than him then I think you have some more to do with your therapist. Unless you knew her before they got involved and she was your sister of best friend or something.
You're living with someone who broke his promise to you but more angry at someone who's a stranger.
I think maybe you're struggling because you're not able to be honest with yourself about how you feel towards DP.
Here ends the armchair psychology.

I didn't know her before. But I angry because after I found out she kept trying to get him, even though he did everything to make her know he wasn't interested including moving to a new town. Who does that? Who goes after someone who isn't theirs?

Sorry, but you have no idea what he told her.
She's not your problem. Don't let her in your head.

I do to some extent because I saw the message he sent her to say to leave him alone and not contact him again. But she'd mysteriously appear on nights out where we were (I found out we had a mutual friend on Facebook who let her look at my posts to see where we were going, who I've now deleted)

I found out she kept trying to get him, even though he did everything to make her know he wasn't interested
What a load of bollocks he's fed you. If he was decent, and if he hadn't been interested then it wouldn't have happened. You have a lot more problems that whether to send a letter or not. Why are you even with this scumbag?

Well maybe she's insane, maybe there were things that you didn't see (a message saying "don't contact me" which is shown to wife then followed up with something that says "she made me send it" is very much part of the script), maybe she just has a ton of issues, maybe she thought she was in love. So much you can't know. But if you message her then she'll think she's a lot more important to you than she should be.
Focus on DP. It's good that things are better.

OP what if the reply was really nasty like;

"we had sex all night long"
"he told me he was disgusted by your body"

• even worse horrible things.

You don't want to read that.

One mistake doesn't make him a scumbag. I've given him hell for this. I'm not posting this to discuss me still being with him, I've made that choice and I'm happy with it, I just need help getting over it.

I doubt it was once. Of course he's a scumbag but you're so desperate that you're blaming her. Yes she's done a shitty thing, but it's not her that cheated on you.

Getting past it does involve making sure you're angry at the right person.
Messaging her has the potential to put you way, way back on all the progress you've made. She could ignore you, could forward you messages out of anger, could tell you horrible things. It's all risk and no gain. Forget her.

If you're really happy with your choice you wouldn't be wanting to get at her. You'd let it go.

I find myself hating her more than him, is that normal? I know he's as much to blame.

From your perspective, he is far more to blame than her. He's your partner...she doesn't owe you any loyalty. HE did this to you, not her.

I agree with tiggery and if she meant nothing to him why did he feel the need to move away? I think this is what's really playing on your mind?

Yeah, what Tigger said.

It was once. he admitted it right away before I found out. He got drunk and when he sobered up he told me. I do believe that and there is no question in my mind that that is what happened. Call me stupid or naive if you want but I have my reasons for believing him.

It is normal to hate her more than him. You need to build your relationship to a place where problems don't make either of you stray and where he keeps boundaries with women.

Not just friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is a good book for that.

A confession is better than you finding out by yourself.

Believe me there are women who chase MM and stick with them no matter what.

Right now you want to send something. But in a year you will be pleased you didn't.

It wouldn't give closure if you send it. You would be waiting for a reply or angry if she doesn't. In fact it will delay closure.

You can dislike her, but you can't get even, except by biding your time, being the epitome of dignity and never allowing her to see she has caused you any pain.

I guarantee (speaking as one who did what you want to do) it will get you nowhere and just add to your regrets.

Sending unmumsnetty hugs and loads of sympathy.

Op I met my ex and ow in a restaurant whilst 36 weeks pregnant and she literally looked at me like I was a piece of dirt on her shoe! It made me feel worse.
They don't care and never will sorry

Who the hell moves house after a one off drunken shag?

Those who don't want their gullible wives to find out the truth, pictish.

They worked together. He knew Thani would be on edge every time he went to work.

tiggery why are you being so hostile towards me? I don't think it's very fair. I was only asking advice on whether I should send this message.
Thank you to everyone who gave me advice. I won't send it, I think just writing it down helped a lot.

Aye but he'd get over it though. Doesn't explain wanting to MOVE HOUSE.

Absolutely not hostile. Just feel very sorry for you and slightly exasperated.