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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

why initiate a text conversation then not reply for hours

79 replies

funnychops · 31/05/2016 16:01

Someone please explain why they do this??
Lovely guy making all the right moves, few dates in, refers to me as his girlfriend (I'm not so sure about this, but hey at least he's keen)
This morning 5 hours ago he writes me a text asking how I am, to which I reply, with open ended questions......then nothing.

I will never understand this, can someone shed some light? Is he playing stupid games or am I just being over sensitive? I always reply to all texts regardless of who it's from straight away (as did with mine a couple of weeks ago!!). Why does this wind me up so much? WWYD?

OP posts:
OhNoNotMyBaby · 31/05/2016 16:07

I would wait. Maybe he's at work, stuck in traffic, ill, prioritising something or someone else.

TBH, it drives me mad when people expect me to respond to a text immediately. If you want to talk to me, ring me. Otherwise wait until I text you back and don't hassle me.

5 hours? really?

plimsolls · 31/05/2016 16:08

Maybe he's busy. He sent you a text to say hi or whatever, got a reply from you, and then went about his day. He'll reply when he is free or has something else to say, i'm sure.

Honestly, I think it's always a good idea to consider text conversations as completely different to spoken conversations. Asynchronous communication, I think it's called.

I know lots of people feel differently (it's rude not reply straight away! It only takes a minute to send a text! Etc etc) but I'm sure lots and lots of people feel the same way I do. Expectations that all texts will be reciprocated straight away and that lack of a response is indicative of something bad etc etc is quite intrusive. And can lead to you reading bad intentions into something perfectly innocent.

If he's lovely in all other ways, then what does it matter?

shazzarooney999 · 31/05/2016 16:09

Could be any reason hes not responded.

plimsolls · 31/05/2016 16:10

Actually, I have a friend who I've basically just stopped texting because she replies immediately and always with at least one or two questions. It's like one text from me saying Hi turns into a commitment to a thirty minute text conversation so if I don't have the time or inclination for that (which I rarely do) I find myself reluctant to contact at all. That's an extreme example though.

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 16:20

Thanks everyone. I need to chill the hell out on this. This is obviously how he does things, but completely different to me so I think I just need to not take it to heart, funny though because he used to reply promptly before Hmm

Yes ohno 5 hours, really. He takes longer sometimes. Drives me mental. I'd rather him not bother at all, but then he puts lovely stuff in his texts/phone calls when he finally replies and then I forgive and forget....and the cycle starts again.

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 31/05/2016 16:23

Is he at work?

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 16:27

Well he works from home so technically yes.

OP posts:
loobyloo1234 · 31/05/2016 16:31

You really need to chill out. If after 24 hours have passed, he hasn't replied then i'd be a little angry. For me, if someone replies straight away in the dating world, it makes me think they're a bit too keen. Give him a break Wink

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 16:41

Thanks looby that's the reality check I needed Wink

OP posts:
ChicRock · 31/05/2016 16:41

Same as plimsolls, I can't be doing with text conversations, I thought the whole point of text is to say a quick hello or pass on some information, not get into back and forth text tennis.

He just 'checked in' with a quick good morning how are you, which is actually quite sweet, and then has gone about his working day.

I'd rather him not bother at all, no you wouldn't, you'd be moaning about that then. then I forgive and forget, for what - taking a few hours to respond to a text? Crikey Confused.

Kr1stina · 31/05/2016 16:49

To me it's not " initiating a text conversation " . It's " sending a text " .

I don't expect an immediate reply. I didn't even know this was A Thing.

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 16:58

Here we go.....I used the wrong terminology......shoot me now! 😩🔫

OP posts:
StartledByHisFurryShorts · 31/05/2016 17:00

I agree with PPs. It's not necessarily a conversation. Sometimes conversations happen and that can be fun. But unless it's something time specific like confirming where to meet, then there really shouldn't be any expectation of an immediate or quick response.

That said, I think I might be being ghosted by a guy I thought I had a very nice second date with so I probably don't know what I'm talking about.

Kr1stina · 31/05/2016 17:06

Don't be silly, it's not about the terminology. It's about what you think is happening .

If you are texting someone like me, you are getting pissed off for no reason. Because I'm not ignoring you, I'm at work / on a run / in the gym/ watching a movie .

Just like you are getting annoyed now because you think I'm correcting you in some way . When I'm not .

TheNaze73 · 31/05/2016 17:07

5 hours is nothing. I wouldn't think he was playing games at all. I think people can look too much into texting. Back in the day, simpler times, you'd speak on the phone, arrange the next date & job was a good un'. I think texting adds an unnecessary layer of complexity to the early days of a relationship. Maybe keep texts factual & save the fluff for the dates or on the phone. I appreciate, I've now made myself sound about 90 Wink

Seriously though, don't sweat it OP

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 17:07

Given that we up until now have had fairly long text conversations (aka 'chats' or 'sending a text back and forth to each other') with no lengthy pauses. This exchange is different to how he normally behaves. This morning he asked a question to which I replied and in turn asked him a question to which he did not reply, which is different to his previous texting behaviour. So yes it does get me wondering why was he texting so regularly before but not now.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 31/05/2016 17:13

Because you just can't maintain that level of contact long term whilst holding down a job and generally having a life.

plimsolls · 31/05/2016 17:15

funnychops that's a different problem though to what you put in your OP. Is it that you expect him to reply to a text you send immediately until somehow you both mutually agree that particular text conversion is over OR are you worried he's losing interest and is no longer texting you as much? You mentioned in your OP that he calls you his girlfriend, seems keen, etc.... Is it just the lack of response to your last text that's making you worry or is there something else?

I also might be reading your responses wrong but you sound a bit cross with those of us saying you should chill out. It's not a criticism, I think if anything people are trying to reassure you.

HotNatured · 31/05/2016 17:15

To be honest I do think that a clear change in someone's texting behaviour is not a good sign in the early days of dating.

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 17:15

Yes I appreciate that, chic and totally get that. That's why I said Thanks everyone. I need to chill the hell out on this. This is obviously how he does things, but completely different to me so I think I just need to not take it to heart

OP posts:
plimsolls · 31/05/2016 17:16

And yes, I agree with chicrock, probably lots of texting and long replies etc is a bit unsustainable particularly on a work day.

(If it helps, I often work from home but am just as busy and focused as days when I am in an office).

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 17:26

No plimsolls not cross, sorry to anyone if it comes across like that. Others and friends in RL have said that's quite a long time to take to reply, we went over a day and a half without any contact at all at the weekend but we were both busy and no open questions on last text. I did admit up thread and repeated it in my previous post that I know I needed to chill out and not read into it. Which I have done, but it still feels like that's gone unnoticed and I'm feeling I look somewhat neurotic for even mentioning it.

OP posts:
suspiciousofgoldfish · 31/05/2016 17:41

Oh god, I do this all the time! (Send texts and then don't reply for hours or days)

Is it really annoying?

My excuse is marriage, kids and all that stuff..... So......Hmm

No I'm joking, he's probably not married. I had a BF that did this, I found it very weird. Turned out, he was just an arsehole.

Summerwalking16 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Er I do this a lot usually due to meetings at work.

Original poster
funnychops · 31/05/2016 17:58

suspicious Grin thank you.

It's mildly annoying. I'm fairly sure he's not married...but hey - who knows? 😱

So you had a BF that did it too, and you thought it was weird? Exactly my point, it's just a bit odd. Especially when you've asked a question....' Yes I am/no I'm not... Speak soon, have a lovely day'.......doesn't take that long really does it, doesn't interfere with a hectic day though does it? Fuck even Obama manages to tweet from time to time....well maybe he has 'people' to do it, but you get my point.
Hope this one doesn't turn out to be an arse hole though, or married 😳

OP posts:
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