Is my life boring or just normal??

[majorcrowdpleaser]

Sorry if this drags out a bit. I am 43 and not sure if this is a mid-life crisis thing but for the last couple of years I can't help but think my life has become so dull and destined to get more boring!

I adore my husband and we have been together for 26 years, have 2 children who we love and are obviously our lives, I live a nice house in a lovely area. We don't live a flashy life but aren't overly struggling either.

I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years. I would love to go back to work but I am not qualified in anything( having always worked in office admin) so I would either have to retrain for something (don't have the money for that and dh would'nt pay for it anyways) or take a job which will probably only pay min wage and by the time I pay for childcare it may not be worth working?!

As a couple we never really go out much perhaps 3-4 times a year at the most. DH makes all the fininacial decisions and whenever I come up with ideas which involves spending any money he will more often than not say we can't afford it (He saves ALOT as he has this fear of not having enough money when he retires!!). I am always asking him to take the odd day off just so we can have a day together but he never does even though he gets 30 days annual leave (He does take time off to have family breaks in our caravan).

I need to bring my inlaws into this because imo they are the most boring people in the world and I can't help but think dh is trying to base his life on theirs. They never spend any money (even though they have saved loads over the years) or go anywhere, MIL makes her own clothes, cuts her own hair, never wears make up or buys anything for herself. I can't help but think my life is slowly morphing into theirs and that scares the shit out of me!

DH did so much more when he was younger, he no longer wants to do anything, he would always spend an evening down the pub with his mates once a week but now prefers to watch tv every evening.

My parents have noticed this change over the years and ask if he is depressed or down. He isn't, I just believe this is the way he wants to live these days.

I feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate. I know he loves me and he is still affectionate.

How can I get some zing back into our lives when I have a husband who can't really see anything has changed??

You're lucky enough to be able to change your circumstances, so get out there and do it. Let your husband be boring, and you can have all the fun! If it involves getting a job so you can be more financially independent, then so be it! Life should be lived by your own accord! Take control, don't just go with the flow.

Good luck

The only way to change this situation is for me to get out there and earn some money myself. I know some of you say I am being stifled and I do get that but DH is so lovely is many ways that I just can not dismiss 26 years together. As I mentioned previously, I went from living at home to living with DH and have always kind of 'hidden' behind him so I must take some flack for that sometimes its so easy to just stay in your comfort zone and let the years pass. When I left work to have DD I had only planned on taking a year off and 8 years later hear I am!!

I do have good friends (I see them often during the day) but they have money, they either work or have generous partners. I keep myself fit and slim and feel young, I just know I don't want to live like my Inlaws they were born old and are so frugal its unbelievable (their money saving tips would shock you!). I DO NOT want to live like that, saving is all well and good but like many of you say life is too short and you have to have fun along the way.

Thanks again for all your replies - for a long time DH says many of his workmates (male dominated job not sure if that makes any difference?) live like us but listening to and watching my friends lives and now hearing most of you I know this is'nt true.

Do you have money for clothes and toiletries? It just sounds like a really odd set up. How do you ever get to buy anything of your own?

If you left, you would be entitled to half of everything. Why should it be any different if you are in the relationship? You should have equal say over how money is doesn't it saved.

Do you think this would make any sense to him? Or does he think women who leave a marriage should go with nothing? wouldn't put it past him

Oops. How money is spent or saved, that should say!

I'm not sure its the "job" thing. A job might help, or not. Lots of people "have jobs" and live boring lives.

The impression I get is that you want to live a little, maybe not sure exactly how or what, but get out there and so on!

Whereas your husband mainly wants to "watch TV" and not do much else.

What does he like to do? Or want to do? What are his enthusiasms?! Or dislikes?! Has he felt under-confident in trying them out I wonder? People sometimes do. Or just not interested? Does any of this apply to you? Do you discuss any of this? We weren't meant to just be time-pushing workers. Even worker bees get to dance.

soundofthenightingale Good point! I think we all went for the job thing because at least that would get the OP out of the house and opens up the possibility of meeting more people, getting more confidence in herself and possibly having some money to show for it.

Yes, you have struck a chord there - although the money issue is definately a problem and do need a job, now the dc are older and becoming more independent, I feel like I want to have more fun. DH used to go out every week with mates, he was into a hobbie which took him out with other mates every few weeks but he is more than happy to stay at home these days, he says that he works all week and just wants to chill out at home - however, I don't, I have spent the last 10 years raising my children at home and now feel like the old me again - I just want to have fun and enjoy life!!

Get a Saturday job then. He can have some quality time with the children and you can meet people, up your skills, earn some money and gain a bit of independence.

I'm shocked by your comment about he is more likely to be investing - don't you know what assets are where (bank account numbers and balances etc.)? What if he dropped down dead.

Look this attitude of not paying for childcare has to stop... They are HIS KIDS.

By not paying for childcare he is saying to you 'looking after children is women's work. I don't think you are my equal.' It's an absolutely dreadful attitude to have. What's his justification? Ask him, ask him to justify why that cost is Met by you. What does he say? Point out to him, that if you'd have been hit by a bus when the kids were little he'd have had to either do everything himself or hire in help. Your action of staying home has Directly lead to him having his career.

That alone would have me booting him out, but if you're staying then you need to aim for the following:

Relative split of childcare costs ( if he earns 70% of the income he pays 70% of the costs)
Full knowledge of all savings and investments
Full access (responsibly) to all joint accounts
A job.
Him picking up his share of the housework. You don't go out to work and still do 100%

He has a mentality that dc are women's work. You shouldn't have to cover childcare if you're working. Doesn't he realise they are his dc too and you are not a slave? Ie work for nothing and can't leave?

Of course he doesn't like it. People rarely like change that doesn't suit them. But you don't even have any fun to make up for giving up your career-
and an excellent admin person is very well regarded and don't let him belittle this.

What about the OU? Lots of courses. What are you interested in? If you were single, no kids what would you do? What course or career? You'll be older in 3 years anyway, why not be older with a degree? And remote PA's are very popular.

Also pop in shops you like, and ask if they need cover etc. I've found chatting to everyone and saying I wanted something fitting round the DC ( am now sp) very useful.

He could pay 70% of childcare costs (or relevant percentage) but then shouldn't she also pay 30% of mortgage and bills? And that could well leave her worse off.

So not necessarily a route to go down, OP.

I would nip the 'mum' in the bud for a start. It's bloody awful and sounds like your some 1950's housewife. I'm the same age as you, and what you're describing sounds like the life my mother led at our age, which is light years away from mine and my friends. You could live for another 40 years like this. I agree the job is essential. Can your parents pay for you to update your skills at least? Sounds like childcare would be a small price to pay.

People have jobs and boring lives, but they have financial independence, which means a lot to me anyway. It gives me confidence and choice.