Is my life boring or just normal??

[majorcrowdpleaser]

Sorry if this drags out a bit. I am 43 and not sure if this is a mid-life crisis thing but for the last couple of years I can't help but think my life has become so dull and destined to get more boring!

I adore my husband and we have been together for 26 years, have 2 children who we love and are obviously our lives, I live a nice house in a lovely area. We don't live a flashy life but aren't overly struggling either.

I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years. I would love to go back to work but I am not qualified in anything( having always worked in office admin) so I would either have to retrain for something (don't have the money for that and dh would'nt pay for it anyways) or take a job which will probably only pay min wage and by the time I pay for childcare it may not be worth working?!

As a couple we never really go out much perhaps 3-4 times a year at the most. DH makes all the fininacial decisions and whenever I come up with ideas which involves spending any money he will more often than not say we can't afford it (He saves ALOT as he has this fear of not having enough money when he retires!!). I am always asking him to take the odd day off just so we can have a day together but he never does even though he gets 30 days annual leave (He does take time off to have family breaks in our caravan).

I need to bring my inlaws into this because imo they are the most boring people in the world and I can't help but think dh is trying to base his life on theirs. They never spend any money (even though they have saved loads over the years) or go anywhere, MIL makes her own clothes, cuts her own hair, never wears make up or buys anything for herself. I can't help but think my life is slowly morphing into theirs and that scares the shit out of me!

DH did so much more when he was younger, he no longer wants to do anything, he would always spend an evening down the pub with his mates once a week but now prefers to watch tv every evening.

My parents have noticed this change over the years and ask if he is depressed or down. He isn't, I just believe this is the way he wants to live these days.

I feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate. I know he loves me and he is still affectionate.

How can I get some zing back into our lives when I have a husband who can't really see anything has changed??

WTF? You don't have access to the family money?

How the hell is it his decision whether to "let" you have a joint account or not?
How the hell is it his decision whether you work and put the children in daycare or not?
Why would he be "helping" with paying towards "half" of the childcare, rather than both of you paying full wack out of the family money?

OP - is this a marriage, or are you an indentured servant??

When you are earning make sure you behave the same way.

If he starts demanding that you pay for, say, the kids clothes out of your wages, just flat out refuse.

I'd make a budget and understand where the money goes. Especially if he wants to spend jointly when you are earning. Then it doesn't matter who actually pays which bill out of which bank account as long as you both have access to some spare cash independently of the other. When it is fairly budgeted then so what if he pays utilities and mortgage while you pay the childminder?

It does all sound a bit 1950s.

You do know you are legally entitled to 50% of the family money - maybe you need to remind him of your vows "what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine"

He may think that he owns all the money because he earned it, but he doesn't. And that's the law. It sounds rather financially abusive.

In your position, I would want to retrain to do something I really wanted to do. Using the money he has squirrelled away for his your future.

It is beyond selfish to not 'let' you get a job, share the costs for childcare and totally decide what happens with all the family money.

Present him with a bill for a full time nanny and housekeeper for the last 8 years and that is about how much you have contributed to the friggin family.

He sounds a bit of a cock.

I can really identify with your social anxiety and that feeling of not being sure you can hold down a job because you have done paid employment for a long time. But being closed up at home only feeds social anxiety and working is like riding a bike.

Good luck, OP!

Firstly, I think you should look into getting a job. You may not be qualified in anything but sitting there not working or in training will not help your job prospects. Its not like waiting will help.
Having a job will boost your confidence and give you something new to talk about with DH. Also, you will make friends and gain financial independance. This will allow you to be able to do things like go and have a few cocktails on a ladies night out, take the kids to the zoo or for icecream. It will even allow you and DH to perhaps slowly save for a romantic holiday or getaway (doesnt have to be abroad, spa hotels are lovely for couples on a smaller budget and you can just stay a weekend).
You say you wont have any extra money, but I am sure there is a job out there you can work around school?
Also, if you truly are desperate for a qualification go to uni/open uni! Its doesnt cost a penny right now as you will get it paid for until you are earning a high wage. Its never to late to get an education.

Secondly, you say he is boring... and to be fair he doesnt sound like he is willing to take you out every other weekend BUT he is the only earner, he is most likely tired after work, I mean he cant even be bothered to see his friends for the odd drink. I expect he is a bit worn down doing everything on his own.
You told us he saves like crazy so he has some money in his old age, I dont blame him! State pension wont be around by then and again, he is the earner so its his responsability to make sure you both have enough to live into your old age.

It must be very stressful trying to split just his wage all around, without you calling him boring for not wanting/not affording to go out places.

While I do see your point, its horrible feeling like your life is going nowhere... YOU can change that. Its seems like youre putting all of it on him.

With him calling you mum, if you are not comfortable (i wouldnt be!) then tell him. It just sounds like thats all he is seeing you as these days.
Are you taking time for yourself OP? Are you taking care of yourself? Do you ever do anything romantic or spontaneous?

I know I may sound like I am being harsh, but I am not. I have lived similar and I had to change. I promise you, if you follow this advice everything will be better.

This time a year ago I was sitting at home depressed because our daughter died and I had had cancer twice. My relationship was going a bit shitty and I felt like I had no personality or drive.
Now a year on ive been in a new job for half a year, I have soem money for a few nice things every month, me and my DP go out for drinks together with a big group of friends, we go on romantic dinners and are paying off our debt so we can run away and get married next year.

Dont forget its as much your job as his to work on making your lives better. You totally got this! (Y) Good luck OP!

when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate.

I know a man who whenever he hears men say this immediately makes a joke about what their relationship must be like in bed and goes (adopts dirty old man lustful accent and gurning expression) "OOooooh Muuuum!" in a sexual way. Most people don't do it again in front of him!

Maybe you could make the same point in a more subtle way.

Absolutely get a job! Our office is so lovely and friendly I get all my social needs covered during the day and am happy to collapse on the sofa during weekday evenings. I'm a single parent (don't live with dp) and fund my own childcare (but get v generous maintenance from Xh which helps)

We go out 3 or 4 times a month with friends and also value the experience of travel and it's a priority for us to budget for that alongside savings, pensions and the mortgages. We save money in other ways - eat out regularly with discount codes or having main course and drink only, plan ahead to get best travel deals etc but ultimately life is for living now.

I think having a job in the right place will transform life for you. Your dcs are a good age to cope with it, it gave mine real independence and adaptability.

I won't repeat what others have said but just add this
He manages all the money? Do you know where it is? I am notoriously tight (live alone so doesn't impact on anyone else) but even I look at the investments and returns I have and occasionally treat myself. Also general social life is an essential thing for me.

It would be interesting to see if he has got the money well looked after. Tbh your situation is so 1950s I sense you've just assumed he takes care of it and that's it. I've been approached by a colleague in the past wanting advice because she was getting divorced and didn't even understand how her mortgage worked. I helped but I was honestly shocked that people live this way now, in the 21st century. So don't be that woman. Since joining MN I've been horrified to see more of them but what happens if you divorce, if DH falls ill or dies? It doesn't seem an equal partnership at all and you are the one at a disadvantage.

So I have bitten the bullet and applied for 2 jobs today and I will persevere until something comes up. I will apply for all manor of things even though it terrifies me! I would love to retrain but will wait until I am earning so can fund that myself.

It does (and always has) worried me that I know little of the finances and bills etc and in all honesty, I am as much to blame for that, as it has been easy stick my head in the sand over the years and yes if something happened I would'nt have a hells clue what to do so must do something about that.

We have had the 'mum' conversation and he says he says it in jest but promises not to do it again.

Fingers crossed something comes up but in the meantime I'll hopefully do some voluntary work just so I can step out of my comfort zone.

Going out 3 days a year, yes he is boring (he sounds like he acts like someone who is retired, not someone in their 40s ! I would have left for a more exciting life a long time ago)

You need to make some changes and quickly, while you are excited about making changes !

He manages all the money - How do you know that he is managing the money well ?
examples
never auto renew a bill annually like car tax, house insurance, always shop around for a new deal using comparison websites, saves 1000s a year

Are there any debts ?

Savings rates are currently poor, so it may be wiser to pay off debts first before saving 1000s

Do you have the correct bank account, some offer cash back on bills eg Santander, LLoyds. Halifax

Some websites offer cash back on purchases

If you both earn, you will both have money for your future and to spend on what you want

Do you know your husbands wage and how much the bills are ?

Nobody wants to be the old person with 10000s in the bank, but with no friends or family to share happy times with

What do you do for fun ? alone, with children as a family, just with husband ?

Not everything costs money to do

What would you like to do in the future ?

Well done majorcrowdpleaser. You're brave and you're finding your power.

Go you!

Quick work, OP! Good to hear you sounding more positive.

Reading all your comments has given drive to improve my life but I am feeling a bit wobbly incase I don't even get through to interviews, so hopefully voluntary work may be the short term answer?!

There are things I know I am not going to change about DH (namely his thing about saving etc) but if I have my own money etc it may improve things - hopefully :)

I would keep plowing in those cv's/application forms to paid jobs.
Volunteer work is good for you to get out of the house.

But... do you have access to money? Does he give you an allowance?
If you get a job does he expect you to pay 100% childcare costs?

I get £30 of working tax credit per week which gets eaten up on bits and bobs for the kids, bills ae paid by DH.

DH won't pay for childcare hopefully I can get a job between school hours but I am fully aware they are the golden hours and everyone wants them. Of course I can look for evening work. DH has asked if my parents would look after DC but they are in their 70's and have their own life, they are enjoying their retirement and often go out in the afternoons I would'nt expect them to have to come back for 3pm everyday.

DS is going to secondary school next Sept and DD in 3 years so hopefully it won't be too long to pay for childcare.

But I don't see how he can choose to not pay.
You have stayed at home allowing him to work and no cost for childcare which means he has been able to save. But this is not just his money.

Do you understand that?

Haven't read the whole thread, but I do think it's important that you get out and get a job. I stayed at home for 10 years, and was really scared about working again, but I began by volunteering, which then led to a part time job, and now I do freelance work, so I can pick and choose which hours to work.

The difference it makes to your self-esteem is huge; and your husband will probably be more interested in your relationship again if you have more to talk about than just the children (not criticising you, that's how I was).

He may well be feeling in a bit of a rut like you, but if he's not going to change anything then you need to. You only get the one life; don't spend it doing nothing just because that's what he thinks is right.

I'm a bit cautious about saying childcare comes from both salaries if you were to work. I'm saying this because in presuming the mortgage, bills and groceries are coming from the your DH's salary (and yes it is household income derived from his salary). I'd be more inclined to say that you should have access to the savings account to do things that make you happy rather than just watch it build up while you do without. Obviously there should be a long term savings plan in place separately for education/pensions etc but most importantly all savings should be held jointly.

Maybe I'm coming at it from a different angle as my DH is a spendthrift and that worries me. Ideally there is a happy medium but the ideal is just that for many people.

Can you do a course while the children are at school and could they go to an after school club/activities until your course finishes. Do you know what you want to do? If they are at school and you just want ac'wage' rather than a salary, could you work in retail/waitress/clean etc just for independence until you figure out what area you'd like?

I earn slightly less than my dp. We worked out all outgoings and opened a joint account. He puts 60% of the outgoings in and I put 40% in.
So our pay is paid into our separate accounts each month. I transfer over my portion towards bills and then whatever is left in my own account I can do with as I please.

I would expect this set up would work well for the OP.

whiskey I can't see how it would work for the OP. She will be earning little compared to her DH if anything if she goes down the volunteering route.

He sounds ghastly, sorry! Wont pay for childcare...wont pay for you to retrain...doesnt make any joint financial decisions with you.
What is it that he wants you to spend the next 40 years of your life doing? Washing the dishes?

Get a job. Thats the main thing.
Take an evening class.
Get fit.
See friends independently of him.

To me, your life doesn't sound 'boring' it sounds extremely limited and confined. I'd feel trapped, and it sounds as if you do, too.

OP, you should be receiving child benefit and child tax credit if as a household you are eligible for WTC.

You have had a long marriage and have children. Half of everything - money, pensions, investments, property - is yours. Do you understand that?

Your life sounds stifling.

Hippie - well, yeh if she volunteers she cant contribute but if she does get a job and tot it all up there could definitely be a more fair way than what is currently happening.
He keeps all money and she gets to do bugger all but its ignored that her staying at home to bring up the kids allows him to work to make the money and then consequently save it for "the future". pfff. so not fair