Is my life boring or just normal??

[majorcrowdpleaser]

Sorry if this drags out a bit. I am 43 and not sure if this is a mid-life crisis thing but for the last couple of years I can't help but think my life has become so dull and destined to get more boring!

I adore my husband and we have been together for 26 years, have 2 children who we love and are obviously our lives, I live a nice house in a lovely area. We don't live a flashy life but aren't overly struggling either.

I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years. I would love to go back to work but I am not qualified in anything( having always worked in office admin) so I would either have to retrain for something (don't have the money for that and dh would'nt pay for it anyways) or take a job which will probably only pay min wage and by the time I pay for childcare it may not be worth working?!

As a couple we never really go out much perhaps 3-4 times a year at the most. DH makes all the fininacial decisions and whenever I come up with ideas which involves spending any money he will more often than not say we can't afford it (He saves ALOT as he has this fear of not having enough money when he retires!!). I am always asking him to take the odd day off just so we can have a day together but he never does even though he gets 30 days annual leave (He does take time off to have family breaks in our caravan).

I need to bring my inlaws into this because imo they are the most boring people in the world and I can't help but think dh is trying to base his life on theirs. They never spend any money (even though they have saved loads over the years) or go anywhere, MIL makes her own clothes, cuts her own hair, never wears make up or buys anything for herself. I can't help but think my life is slowly morphing into theirs and that scares the shit out of me!

DH did so much more when he was younger, he no longer wants to do anything, he would always spend an evening down the pub with his mates once a week but now prefers to watch tv every evening.

My parents have noticed this change over the years and ask if he is depressed or down. He isn't, I just believe this is the way he wants to live these days.

I feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate. I know he loves me and he is still affectionate.

How can I get some zing back into our lives when I have a husband who can't really see anything has changed??

I thought my life was boring, but yours takes the biscuit!

My dh is like yours in terms of spending money but he is slowly changing with prodding from me, and observing how other friends live. He is quite anxious about money too, and saving, but we have friends who have the mindset of 'money is not an end in itself, it's a means to an end and you need to enjoy it', as well as his brother who is at the extreme end of this spectrum (think debts and overdrafts to finance holidays)!! Dh would never get into debt to finance 'fun', which I do appreciate, and has been totally risk averse over the years. But he is slowly learning how to spend money on making life more fun and interesting. It's taken 13 years of being married to me though!

We took the kids away for a night at Easter (to a hostel), and we ate out for 2 days! And then we went away to LEGOLAND for a short break this holiday. He has changed a lot in his ways. We do also go out for meals/ movies probably once a month and try for at least one break away a year together (even if just one night). There are lots of deals to be had on Groupon etc. so you can still satisfy the 'good value' side without being stingy.

There are still certain things he won't pay out for, like a cleaner, which I'd love. Or DIY work, which means that we live for ages without making the place look nice, as it's maybe once a year that one room gets done (or less). But fair enough. It's a compromise. He's also an avid TV watcher, which I hate. But I have realised now that he is not going to have the ideas of things to do. I have to have them. He may not say yes to all, but he will discuss. We are going to the movies tonight as my parents have the kids. He would never think of this, and would probably prefer to be in watching TV, but is up for it to make me happy, and he will enjoy it too.

It is hard when you don't have money of your own. I don't spend a lot on myself, but I do buy stuff in sales, and get hair appointments on Groupon etc. If your dh is really not willing to compromise with some talking, I would be worried.

You are under-estimating your office admin skills. I think you have a lot to offer. Why not find a charity or a company you're interested in and try to get work either as a volunteer or in a paid job. I think if you went back to work, you'd have camaraderie with work pals and nights out with them. Volunteer with Oxfam or with a charity you care about.

I go out with my DH every weekend. 3 or 4 times a year....that would kill our friendship.

Why not suggest a babysitter and go for supper? Does he like to go to restaurants or pub? A drink? Maybe he thinks you don't want to do these things? Take the lead, organise a night out and try to find some fun.
Good luck. Your life sounds deadly boring to me.... don't get me wrong... we have lovely weeknights in watching our favourite programmes on tv but the weekends are for FUN with a capital F!

Suggest to him that you split money left at the end of the month three ways: spending money for each of you and savings. He can save his spending money if he likes, but your money is your own.

Would he go for that?

Secondly, don't respond when he calls you mum. Just ignore. If necessary, "I'm not your mum. What was it you said?" will explain.

Divorce him?

that escalated quickly...

It doesn't matter if it is normal or not, what is important is if you are happy with it or not.

How old are your children? Can't you work only during school hours if they are old enough for school? You can always apply to schools and places flexible with hours. Supermarkets look for evening and weekend help too.
Yes, take a class, a hobby, look around at what you could do, what you need to do to get the sort of job you like.

Talk to your husband about doing something. Gain some independence. Good luck.

feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate

I'd tell him to fucking stop this now.

Thanks all - I know deep down that I have felt like a 'kept woman' for a long time and life had become very dull compared to my friends but seeing your responses in black and white has really hit home.

I know that the way forward is to get a job (although scares the shit out of me having been at home for 8 years!) but dh would never pay half of the childcare he just would'nt agree to it.

As for a joint account - never! In his defense I do like to spend money, not off the rails kind of stuff but I would love weekends away, more meals out cinema trips that kind of thing. I had a girls night out last week (first in several years) and it cost me £45 and I felt soooo guilty for spending that and I know if I had earnt it myself I would'nt have.

The children are 8 and 10 btw.

In all honesty this does make me sad because compared to my friends OH who do seem quite laid back finacially, I had always thought our relationship was one sided that way but stuffed any worries to the back of my mind but reading all your responses I see it is'nt normal.

But I love him and he loves me. We have been together since 17 and I don't have any other relationships to 'compare' against. I just had no idea that owning a house, paying bills and having children would have changed him so much :(

Ps I have told him about the 'mum' thing before yesterday he even called me 'mother' FFS!!

Do you have access to any money at all then? Could you try for a TA or lunchtime supervisor job if you are worried about childcare. you really need some financial independence.

I was also going to suggest being a TA or volunteer to work in a nursery and see what comes up, anything that gets you doing something and fits round your DC's hours. Start making your own money, at least then if your DH isn't interested you can to make changes to your quality of life. If my DH called me mum I'd probably ignore him.

I wouldn't judge your husband too harshly without knowing him.

He is the sole provide, nothing wrong with that, but it is a big responsibility and if he is saving for your future, he is not wrong. You should be included in financial decisions to be fair.
You need to push him to take days off, you can have nice days even cheaply.

Does he have a hobby, does he exercise? It's very easy to go into a routine, feel tired after work, slob in front of the tv and repeat. When you start an exercise you like, you have so much more energy! It sounds like he is missing that.

Do not compare yourself to your friends. I have been working for more years than I want to count, and most people spend their days moaning and waiting for Friday to be off. Some have very interesting jobs, but the majority not so much. Your kids do need you, even when they are teens, there's nothing wrong with being at home.

I said it upthread, but go and cost the childcare.
Now you've given there ages... Your 10yo might be at secondary this Sep (or next) and possibly only cost you in holidays - and only those where you or your husband don't also take leave.

I know if I had earnt it myself I would'nt have

You have earnt it - by giving your husband the ability to work outside the home whilst you are the childcare manager in your house.

It sounds like you're existing, not living. I think you need to be stronger with him & spell out exactly what you want

That does not sound normal, no, especially as you are not happy to live your life like that.

What would happen if you just organised and booked some things to do, both as a family and alone?

Even if your dh doesn't want to, what if stopping you from going out and socialising with friends? Taking up a sport or hobby? Just popping to the local cafe for a coffee?

You did earn that £45 that you spent, by being the child care provider for his children and enabling him to go out and work.

With your children at those ages you won't need much childcare anyway if you did get a job, and there are some jobs that you can get just during school hours, then you would have your own money to spend!

but dh would never pay half of the childcare he just would'nt agree to it I wouldn't be happy about this at all, who does he think he is? Would he really not be up for discussing it, even though it would lead to an improvement in family finances?

It's also fine for people to suggest being a TA but these are in demand jobs, increasingly requiring relevant qualifications. However, good admin skills are always in demand, if you don't have up to date ICT qualifications you can often take courses free at your local FE college - maybe that would be a starting point?

but dh would never pay half of the childcare he just would'nt agree to it

Really?

Then tell him he needs to do the school drop offs and pick ups 2 days one week, 3 days the next. Plus childcare for half of all school holidays.

Ok, it gets worse. I do have a joint account with dh. And he wouldn't begrudge me 45.00 on a night out with friends when it was so rare. No way.

Does your dh know how much you are saving by doing all the childcare? There's no way he'd pay half. Oh my goodness, that's crazy.

All this, 'He does love me, and I love him?' stuff...what does this actually look like? Does it look like a man who makes his wife feel valued? Does it look like a man who makes his wife feel special? He needs to wake up and smell the coffee FAST. I think you need a frank conversation and if he cannot pay half the childcare if you work, he is really digging a grave for your marriage.

He would never pay for half the childcare and he would never agree to a joint account.

I am sorry but that is not the behaviour of a man who loves you and respects what you have done for the family.

And you have asked him not to call you mum but he still does.

And he bores you.

I'm sorry OP but he sounds mean and dull and self centered. I think you need to have some serious talks and he needs to agree to a joint account. If he won't then you need to respect yourself and get out of this relationship.

It sounds like you are being financially abused if you are having to feel guilty about one night out in several years.

You say he loves you but it appears he is controlling you by limiting your ability to work, not giving you access to family money, generally treating you as his inferior.

I would give him one last chance to loosen up and treat me as an equal and if that didn't work I would be off.

Op, ask him or access to the accounts as soon as you can.
You're currently living in the dark and I fear there's a massive cloud you know nothing about. See bank statements, ins and outs.

Too often a person in your position finds out their OH is hemorrhaging money to debt, gambling, addictions and often other women.

He sounds controlling in regards to finances, which then effects your life.

Your still young, get a job and a life? Said kindly.

You definitely need a job. If you feel under qualified why don't you work in catering or behind a bar? What about studying for something that will help you find employment? If you have not worked for 8 years it will be more difficult to go back the longer you leave it.

As much as it scares me I am going to start applying for jobs. I have just asked OH if I got a job would he help with childcare costs, the answer? a flat no!! He said if he did that then it would'nt be worth him working at least one day a week - how do you get through to someone with that attitude?

I have been out of the loop for so long. Can you get help with childcare costs?

I really do need to look at our finances and become more involved as I do feel sometimes like a 1950's housewife - however, I am pretty certain oh is'nt gambling or using money on women! Its more likely to be invested in stocks and shares etc all boring sensible stuff!

You could ask him if he means he'd like to stay at home one day a week to do the housework and childcare?