Is my life boring or just normal??

[majorcrowdpleaser]

Sorry if this drags out a bit. I am 43 and not sure if this is a mid-life crisis thing but for the last couple of years I can't help but think my life has become so dull and destined to get more boring!

I adore my husband and we have been together for 26 years, have 2 children who we love and are obviously our lives, I live a nice house in a lovely area. We don't live a flashy life but aren't overly struggling either.

I have been a SAHM for the last 8 years. I would love to go back to work but I am not qualified in anything( having always worked in office admin) so I would either have to retrain for something (don't have the money for that and dh would'nt pay for it anyways) or take a job which will probably only pay min wage and by the time I pay for childcare it may not be worth working?!

As a couple we never really go out much perhaps 3-4 times a year at the most. DH makes all the fininacial decisions and whenever I come up with ideas which involves spending any money he will more often than not say we can't afford it (He saves ALOT as he has this fear of not having enough money when he retires!!). I am always asking him to take the odd day off just so we can have a day together but he never does even though he gets 30 days annual leave (He does take time off to have family breaks in our caravan).

I need to bring my inlaws into this because imo they are the most boring people in the world and I can't help but think dh is trying to base his life on theirs. They never spend any money (even though they have saved loads over the years) or go anywhere, MIL makes her own clothes, cuts her own hair, never wears make up or buys anything for herself. I can't help but think my life is slowly morphing into theirs and that scares the shit out of me!

DH did so much more when he was younger, he no longer wants to do anything, he would always spend an evening down the pub with his mates once a week but now prefers to watch tv every evening.

My parents have noticed this change over the years and ask if he is depressed or down. He isn't, I just believe this is the way he wants to live these days.

I feel that we are just parents these days when he calls out for me he has taken to calling me 'mum' which I hate. I know he loves me and he is still affectionate.

How can I get some zing back into our lives when I have a husband who can't really see anything has changed??

How he's using the money is less important than the fact he doesn't seem to realise that it's your money, too.

Maybe you don't even realise that.

He isn't 'helping with childcare costs' - he would be supporting you getting a life and some freedom! They're his DC too and they're his responsibility to look after too - not just yours.

OP, I know this is hard but you have to rip off those blinkers about 'roles' and get stuck in to your own life. The upside is freedom, the downside is you will need to take responsibility for the household income too.

But, honestly, £45 on a night out, the first in years, and you feel guilty?! You need a big re-think. You owe it to your children not to let them think this is an acceptable model.

Apply for all local jobs eg shops, cleaning, driving if you can drive, in schools part time and full time
Or work from home

Open up your own bank account, have child maintenance paid into it
I think post office you only need a couple of forms of ID

If he works daytime, you could work evenings, even if it is a couple of hours or weekends

Join some local clubs, when children are at school or evening or weekend

Volunteer when children are at school or evening or weekend

Start some sport

Start planning things to look forward to once a week, once a month, etc
cinema
meal out
picnic
family day out to zoo, museum, seaside
holiday
date night
visit friends or family
craft day
summer fair day

Start living

Start earning your own money

If you Google benefits calculator, you can find out what help you're entitled to, whether with him or without him. I think one site's called entitled to and there is another called turn 2 us.

I don't believe in being wild with money, but I certainly think you have be able to enjoy life too. I also think that he released some of his precious money for you to retrain, it would be a good investment for the two of you.

You definitely sound like a 1950s family, OP.

I would start by getting yourself familiar with your family's accounts. You need to know what accounts you have, how much is in them, and how they can be accessed. I would do this on the sly by hunting for bank statements etc and once you know the answer, then ask him for the same. His response will be very telling. Anything less than 100% transparency demonstrates that he does not see you as his equal and he is financially abusing you. If that's the case, you will be grateful you already know the answer IYSWIM as it may help you if things escalate.

I would then sit down and tell DH what you've told us. That you feel suffocated, stifled and that you are not living life to the full. Tell him you would prefer to change things together - to deepen your relationship as a couple - and ask him for suggestions. Tell him that if he doesn't want this, for the sake of your own sanity you will have to do it yourself. Worse case scenario is that it runs the risk of you outgrowing him and ultimately wanting a divorce, hence why you'd like to do things together, but not allowing even yourself to develop is more likely to result in a divorce, so maintaining the status quo is not an option.

TBH, he sounds a nightmare to me, but to give him the benefit of the doubt, sometimes people get stuck in a rut and don't actually see what they're doing to their loved ones. In his eyes, he may well believe that he has worked really hard so you don't have to 'work' and your assertion that you'd like to may feel to him like a rejection of everything he's tried to do for your family. That's because he has never really understood that his career has been built off the back of you providing the childcare at home. Without you he couldn't have been a father and have had a career (at least not without paying for it heavily). He's needed you just as much as you needed him. You were both equally reliant on each other and therefore you have equal rights in the relationship.

Why would you roll over and take it when your DH said 'no' to paying for childcare!!? WTF? Don't be such a doormat! They're his kids - he pays for half the childcare!

Half the childcare for two school-aged kids for 3 or 4 days a week is cheaper than a divorce, after all.

You seem to take his preferences as gospel. He says no, you say, oh alright then I'll never raise it again.

His preferences are his preferences. Yours are yours. And both sets of preferences have equal value.

So find your voice, find your power, and assert yourself woman!

BTW my dad is like your DH. He is infuriating to my DM. But bless her, she gets on with it and lives her life the way she wants to. Because she would basically rot if she waited around for dad to arrange anything fun.

Thank you all for you advice - last night I raised this with DH and tried to get him to understand my point of view and tried to understand his (I know he is just trying his best for the family and does have a fear of debt etc) It did escalate into a heated discussion as we could'nt see each others point of view that clearly :(

I am going to apply for some jobs and see how it goes from there. Its going to take time and I will see how it all pans out once I am earning and more importantly mixing with more people away from my little 'bubble'.

However, it is all very scary. I do suffer from anxiety and as a result do have a degree of social anxiety so I will be very much stepping out of my comfort zone.

And I know a few of you have mentioned leaving or divorce but we are talking about 26 years together and we have two dc ! He is a good man he has never been mean in any other way and I have been with him since 17 and never had any other relationship to compare against. I can't imagine a life without him. I literally went from living with my parents to living with DH so have never been that independent in any way (finacially or living on my own etc).

Good on you for looking for jobs. Getting a job, or volunteering for that matter, will help build your self-confidence and your independence.

Good luck!

He is a good man

I would debate that TBH.

A good man would be supportive of you getting work, would obviously help pay for care for HIS children, would give you full access to all monies, etc etc etc.

Well done for having that discussion - even if you didn't get the result you wanted. Good luck job hunting. You could also consider voluntary work if you feel nervous.

Take your half of the savings and live it up a little!!!

The reason he won't contribute to childcare is because he is scared to death of you having a life of your own. God forbid you have a life outside the home. It is controlling behaviour. He's scared of you spreading your wings now that you don't have very young children to tie you down.

Oh and all the savings, stocks and bonds.......half are yours anyway.

Hi OP, good on you for thinking about the first steps to some financial freedom and widening your circle. I am about the same age as you (DH is a lot older) and I would say that lots of couples don't go out much - we go for a couple of drinks together when my mum is around to mind the kids, maybe every 2 months, maybe dinner once or twice a year. We have had 1 night away together in 6 years. But that is our choice, we could afford a bit more but we choose to spend our money in other ways (e.g. we have an old house that needs a lot of work) and we make sure that on weekend nights we have "date nights" - dinner, wine and enjoying each other's company without the tv on! I know, I know, dreadfully boring by some people's standards but we like it!

Does your DH pay you a wage/allowance that you are free to spend without justifying it? Sorry if you have already mentioned. I work, but even if I didn't (e.g. when I was on unpaid maternity leave) any money was "our money" and DH and I trust to each not to make massive purchases without consulting each other. Day to day we just spend what we need on food, clothes, toiletries, perfume, books, gadgets etc etc. I think if you can even do as Charlotte said upthread and get a job volunteering, it will boost your confidence, get you out meeting new people, and give you something to put on a CV. Have you considered temping? I have had a couple of periods of temping in the past, I always found it good fun and even found a couple of permanent posts that way. Plus it might be more flexible for you and allow you to do school hours.

Re: childcare, does your children's school do afterschool clubs? Most schools around me do them at a fairly low cost. Or do you know a mum at school who perhaps works part-time that you could share childcare with - you mind her kids a day or two before/after school and she minds yours, allowing you a bit more flexibility with work hours?

Finally, re: your social awkwardness. I hear you. People think I am very confident but usually I am dying inside and over-analysing everything I have said and often wishing I had kept quiet. But I have learned over time to put on a good front and it becomes natural and less awkward after a while. I am almost 10 years with DH and 10 years living in this town (a long way from my home town) and it is only in the last year or two that I have made some friends through my kids really. It is hard but once you get yourself out there it will get easier. And you might find that once your husband has to "share" you with a new job and new friends/colleagues, it will motivate him to take action and get out of his rut too!

Good luck.

Well done for taking the first steps. Now you need to calmly and firmly stick to your guns.
One thought for easing back into the world of work if this is worrying you; how about volunteering at your DCs school? A lot of schools like parents coming in to help in the classrooms - hearing readers etc. and then if a TA job comes up, you are well placed to go for it. (This is what I did a few years ago, and you have the huge advantage of only working school hours and having all the holidays off).
If you don't fancy that, then maybe think about being an active member of the school's PTA - if you become treasurer or secretary then that gives you something to put on your CV (better than nothing, if you can say that you have been dealing with the group's finances or organising events etc.) Also the PTA will no doubt be organising lots of social activities which will help you to get out more.
I think that you are being very brave in questioning things like this; we all know that it is easier not to rock the boat but I am sure that you are doing the right thing. Remember - things are unlikely to get better as your DH gets older and more and more fixed in his views.....make a stand now. All the very best.

I am definately going to look at the voluntary side of things that may help me at first. I am already on the PTA so that helps a little but having been in this village for 41 years I really think I need to branch out a bit and be a bit braver - Nomoreheros - that bit about social akwardness is exactly how I am!

I know asking for half of the savings would be fruitless it is all tied up for the 'future'. In dh's defense he is trying his best to make our future more comfortable and it must be hard for him to change because he does come from a family of frugal savers only the other day it was dd's 8th birthday and she was over the moon to receive around £60 in birthday money, FIL told her she should'nt spend any of it but to put it straight away in the bank!! Needless to say the next day I took her into town and she had a lovely shopping spree :)

Thanks all again for your advice and kind words.

What about retraining or studying for a degree? I would reckon you have the money and an opportunity to get involved in an area that interests you and gets you out of the house. Something needs to change. If your dh doesn't happily support or at the least not hinder you then you have some serious thinking to do.

The allowance idea might work, do you think? Regardless of his frugal tendencies, he had to realise he is not the only decision-maker in the family. Just because he's had it easy up to now doesn't mean he can keep tight hold of the purse strings when you ask for a change.

Keep talking about it with him, OP. Maybe when he sees it's not going away, he'll give it a go. And maybe it'll take a while with a new arrangement before he sees that you are responsible with money, too.

has to realise

Why did you ask him to help, you say I am getting a job so you are responsible for half the childcare costs.

FFS this is financial abuse.

It's for the "future" but the future will never come, don't you see? Even when you are 60 you need that money for the "future" when you are 70 you need that money for the "future"- no you don't....you want to have life experiences now!!

Do you have any access to money at all? Any child benefit or anything? Or does he give you an allowance?

Life begins just outside your comfort zone. Voluntary work is all very well, but you need to get a job that will have you mixing with others, earning money & boost your self esteem. Time to take control in a bloodless coup. Get a job, the children are both of yours so you both pay childcare - if he objects, he can reduce his working hours to keep the cost down. This is not negotiable.

When you are out there working, I bet you start to feel very differently about your marriage & husband and how good they really are. Scary stuff, but you said yourself you are bored witless. Time to shake things up.