Hi,
Any advice would be greatly appreciated - I've never used mumsnet before so pls bear with me!
Background: I divorced my husband last Sept. He has always had trouble controlling his anger and would sometimes shout at the top of his voice and over react to small issues e.g. when I lost a glove/if I put dishes in the
wrong place etc. He has been physically abusive occasionally too - not punching or hitting - but he has kicked me out of the bed/held my nose/slapped me once/spat at me. He would also follow me around the house if I disagreed with him - not giving up until I agreed with him or came to some sort of conclusion that he would be satisfied with. He is like a force of nature. He can appear v charming and is fully convinced that he doesn't have a problem (he occasionally admits to anger issues but then says he's ok) and that the problem is mine.
Separately, his son from his first marriage used to stay with us every weekend but when he was 12 he started sexually abusing my daughter (she was 6). I walked in on them. I called social services and they wanted to pursue it with the police but my husband was desperate to avoid it so I didn't as long as he had help via CAMHS (children mental health). The external agencies eventually decided that his son should start visiting us again under close supervision. I was v anti this but my husband was for it and he alongside the other agencies ensured the visits took place. Subsequently, his son (now aged 14) abused my daughter (aged 7) again. They sat on a couch next to each other whilst two grandparents were in the room and he used a cushion to hide what he was doing. When I found out I pursued it through the courts and his son hasn't seen my son (8 now) or daughter (10 now) since. He has since been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and my ex has admitted that he has some of those traits too. I really hand on heart think he does have a mental health issue - I would never say that lightly either because I work with children on the Autism Spectrum. I am mentioning the abuse because my daughter has already been through a v traumatic time and now I see the effect her dad is having on her....Social services were also involved at the time and said he was a v controlling person but the case is now closed. I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do or where to turn...
My ex sees his children one night in the week and one night at weekends. He loves his children very much and can be a loving, caring father. I really want him to have a loving and healthy relationship with his children because that benefits everyone...but my daughter says she doesn't like her dad now and both children are frightened of him. My daughter has said that her dad has never hit her but that he gets so angry and shouts in her face so that she feels frightened that one day he will hit her. I know people shout at their children - I've doen it myself - but I don't lose control and don't shout very often - I don't need to really as they're good kids. He shouts at them "all the time" according to my daughter. My son accidentally spilled some toast crumbs on the couch earlier this week, and my ex yelled at him. My daughter was upset for her brother because he was sobbing and my ex was shouting and calling him a "stupid boy". My son said he also threw his phone on the couch in anger. My daughter says he throws things in anger a lot. I have spoken to my ex on numerous occasions about his anger - my children came home traumatised one day because he'd been bad mouthing me in the car and told them I was in love with someone else (completely untrue). He brings them into arguments a lot i.e. "you need to know what your mother is like...".
The other day my son spilt some water in the living room in my house and immediately ran to the stairs to sit on the step, telling me he was a naughty boy. I was shocked. My ex has also been angry at pick up times recently - he wouldn't leave my hallway when I asked him to and when I eventually got him outside, he shoulder barged the door as I was trying to lock it. He's also shouted through the letter box to the children saying "look what your mum is doing to me...". I work at a school as a TA and I have spoken to my head (my children go to the same sch). My daughter also spoke to someone and a referral was made but S Services just told me to deal with it myself. I've spoken to my solicitor who told me to give him a warning but nothing is stopping this and whilst I don't want to over react I am desperately worried bout how this may be harming the kids. My son won't tell me what goes on at his dad's now because on one occasion I confronted my ex, and then he got angry with the kids for "telling tales" about him.
I'm so sorry for posting such a huge message. I really am at my wits end. I am worried about stopping contact because I know how much it would hurt my ex and also my son who still loves visiting him - I also don't want to do anything wrong in the eyes of the law...but I need what is happening to stop. My ex has also text today saying that he wants to take the kids away to Spain for a week in the Summer hols but I can't allow that to happen. Any advice would be truly appreciated. Thank you xxx