Looks like I will be dropping DD1 off at university by myself

[freshmint]

I'm really sad about this. We have 4 dc. Eldest doing A levels and off to uni in the autumn.
Earlier this year DH told me that he, his brothers and nephews were going to go over to France to the WW1 battlefields to be at the grave of his great uncle on the 100th anniversary of his death in September. They have visited that grave about every 5 years since he was a kid. I pointed out that if DD chose a Scottish university, that weekend would be the start of freshers week. If she chose an English one it would be OK.
He booked it all up at a time when she was holding offers from 1 Scottish and 2 English unis. I asked what he would do if it clashed with taking her to a Scottish uni. He said of course he wouldn't go to France but would take her to uni with me.
Well, she has firmed the Scottish uni. Her offer is lower than her predictions. We assume she is going there. This weekend DD and I looked at all the halls choices and she applied for accommodation. I thought I'd better book a hotel in Edinburgh as we are in the south east and it is about a 7 hour drive to Edinburgh.

DH makes it clear it is my trip with DD because he "will be in France". So I have to do 14 hours driving in 36 hours by myself (DD not insure able in my car) and stay in Edinburgh by myself after dropping dd off.
I'm really sad. Sad that we won't be sharing in this quite significant event of our first child leaving home. Sad he won't be sharing in the adventure and amusement of the trip. Sad that he doesn't think a night in a lovely hotel in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK with his wife is something he would like to do.
I'm actually for the first time ever seriously thinking that our marriage might not survive the kids leaving home. We seem to be drifting apart.

I did ask him why he wasn't coming to Edinburgh and he said "DD doesn't want me to come, do you DD?" And called her over and said "do you need me to come to drop you off to university?" She said "no" and wandered off and he said "See?" To me... Like he was a seven year old and I was his mum about to stop him from playing in the Xbox.

Anyway I just thought I would vent. I'm sad.

I get it. DD is off abroad for a year in 19 days and there is a huge sense of changing times here. As it happens DH is taking her to airport whilst I take DS to his club but that has been what west down and decided together would be the best in the circumstances.

the whole first leaving thing has thrown up all kinds of feelings of changing times and what we'll do in the future. DH and I are pretty much on the same page about this having had a few discussions. I think you do need to talk to DH about this, sorry you feel sad

I get you too

DS1 has just completed his first year.

What I would do is... Fly up with the bare essentials ie clothes using your baggage allowance for DD. Then when you arrive (after you have checked into her accommodation) go to the nearest supermarket/store and buy everything else that you need - duvet, pillows, crockery. Honestly this will be much easier.

Sidestepping the wider question, something that works really well for starting Uni is to send the student by train with just a small bag and arrange to drive up with 'whatever they need' the next weekend. Its really difficult to know what to take and lots of people would be glad to get the things they wished they had remembered at the weekend.

For example, I ended up sharing a house, everyone had a frying pan but no one had a kettle..

I think it's a bit poor that your DH went back on his word, but really this trip is about your daughter and once she gets to uni you'll probably barely get a backwards glance from her!

What about going up a few days in advance, and your DH (having done the lion's share of the driving) flying direct to France from Edinburgh on the Friday evening or Saturday morning? That should more or less keep everyone happy.

Or hire a car and drive up together, then fly back - probably not the cheapest option, but has convenience value.

Not possible - I work and can't take that Friday off.

I don't blame you for being upset, I found it very emotional when we took our DS and was glad my DH was with me. I sorted out his room and DH helped with practical things like banking (we live abroad so couldn't do it earlier). We left him mid afternoon and he got on with it. I would look at preordering things for uni in Edinburgh and getting the train/plane if you don't fancy the drive

We visited about a month in and it was a good time as he was struggling a bit, we managed to get his room changed which he'd never have done on his own and he's never looked back.

Your DH is pretty poor, not wanting to see his DD to uni. No doubt she will remember his childish 'You don't want me to come do you?' - of course she doesn't want a father to come if he doesn't want to be there. I hope she's more resilient than me because I'd never forget it. And, he should be 'there for you' as your first baby leaves home.

He puts his natal family before his own family. Sad.

Freshmint - I would agree with the previous poster who said that, once all the student's stuff is in the car, there's usually barely room for the driver and the student, let alone a third party.

I have only once dropped one of the dses off at University - Edinburgh, funnily enough - because we live near Glasgow, so sent ds2 on the train, whilst dh and I drove over with all his stuff - and we've only managed that once.

Ds1 was at Reading, so I never got to drop him off or collect him at the end of term, ditto ds3 at Aberdeen.

Anyway - the main point of this post is to say that, as I live around an hour from Edinburgh, you would be welcome to come over here after you have dropped off your dd - you could stay for supper and either head back to Edinburgh or find a hotel near here - or maybe stay with us, if you'd like - so you wouldn't be all on your own.

I agree with you, OP. This is a significant step for you, never mind your daughter, she is moving forward to pastures new.
It is also a long way to drive back on your own when you will be experiencing the 'empty nest' feeling; (doesn't last long but that's not the point).
My bitterly estranged ex and I took our children together for their first days and managed to make them pleasant family days, which was important.
I would make the Most Enormous Fuss; your husband is going off on a 'jolly' as he has done for the past few years for someone he never met; on this occasion YOU come first. You need him more than his Great Uncle.

Ooh, good tip, Finally. I'll remember that when I need it, next year.

I understand why you are annoyed about him going back on his word but I have four who have been through uni and it is easier without DH. By the time we got to the last one I just said I was going with him by myself. We had a lovely trip, a nice mum/son lunch and I helped him move his stuff in, did a shop with no one hanging around looking at his watch.

It wasn't just me, I saw several mums rolling their eyes.

Can he make it up to you by arranging a nice weekend in Edinburgh a few weeks later, it is nice to see how they are getting on and particularly with your first it is nice to see they are OK.

did a shop with no one hanging around looking at his watch.

That's part of the problem, is it not? The uninterest of a father in his own child? Why should it be the mum organising the trip and the shopping while the dad resentfully hangs about and clock-watches?

There are a lot of shit Dads around.

What an absolute shit he is to have tried to exclude his youngest daughter from his boy's weekend.

He obviously thinks very little of females - his wife and daughters figure nowhere in his calculation of maximum fun time for himself.

I wouldn't want to grow old with a shite lime him.

He will never care for your feelings or needs.

But yiunwill be expected to look after him.

It's a huge jump to say the OP's DH thinks little of females! He happens to be going on a boys holiday, many husbands do (mine included), it's hardly demeaning the whole of womankind to do so.

I took one on my own, the other we did together. I can honestly say that if I were to ask the DC I took on my own "can you remember, did Dad come?" she souldn't remember becaue it was all about her (quite rightly) and not about us. I was the one in pieces and TBH it was fine to do it on my own as I could bawl all the way home.

I recommend doing what a pp said... make a weekend of it with your DH a few weekends later, that is far far better, the dropping off bit - they are nervous and don't want you hanging around because they are too busy giving the right impression to all they are going to live with in Halls.

When we drove away (went with other DC) I pulled the car up and peered into her window from behind a bush as I was sooo afraid she wasn't going to leave her room. She was already in the lounge area yakking with her new flatmates. Apart from getting a few things sorted, it's their day and parents are a bit of an irrelevance TBH,

I would want my dh there to dry my tears once we'd dropped her off!
You don't have to spend a night alone in the city though, I'd be happy to take you out for a few drinks

But Rousette, he said he'd come initially and then just went back on it.

It's demeaning to his 10 year old daughter, his 18 year-old daughter, and his wife that not only has he broken a promise to take his eldest to college and has lect his wife to do it, but he also wanted to foist an unwilling child on them.

His boy's weekend is being prioritised over the needs amd feelings of all the females in the house.

If that's how he treats the ones he's meant to love, I dread to think how the treats the rest.

So I asked him what had changed - why he had said he would take her to uni and now wasn't. He said "what's changed is that she said she didn't want me to come". I said "what do you mean?" And he said "I asked her if she wanted to be dropped off at university and she said no don't worry I'll go myself". I said "Well, she isn't going herself, is she? She is being dropped off". Silence. I said "I think it's sad" and he said "If you want me to go I'll go but she said she didn't want me to go".

So that's it really. Denial.

Freshmint I can confirm that Iggi and SDT are both absolutely lovely. I have met Iggi (it's Bella btw Iggi). Both posters are on my FB too.

I agree your dh seems thoughtless but it does sound like you are emotionally investing an awful lot on this weekend that he is probably unaware of. Remember the Edinburgh trip is more about your dd than about you. So your dh's decision to go to France rather than Edinburgh says more about the significance he gives his dd than anything it says about his relationship with you.

If dropping off your dd at uni is anything like dropping off my ds was last year, she'll want you out of the way as soon as possible. Parents are to be seen (as drivers and porters) but not heard. God forbid you should try to engage with any of the other parents or new students! So perhaps it really isn't a big deal to her or she'd prefer a lower key parental farewell. I'd gently try to sound out your dd's feelings about it. If she really doesn't seem to care then leave it at that. If she is hiding a bit of hurt then tell her df so in as non accusatory and more I think you should know kind of way as possible.

Be aware too, that most student accommodation allows students to arrive well before Freshers weekend. I know you said you couldn't take that Friday off but is there really no wiggle room to take some annual leave and do a few days in Edinburgh the week before with your dh?

Sorry if I missed this but what would have happened to your other three dcs if your dh had chosen to come to Edinburgh? Seems like it would be preferable for them to have a trip with their df to France rather than being home alone or with babysitters while you and their df had a jolly waving off dd.

You're both skirting round the issue of how it makes YOU feel, OP, which is what I got the impression your post was mainly about.

Have you tried telling him things you've said on here? Like 'Sad he won't be sharing in the adventure and amusement of the trip. Sad that he doesn't think a night in a lovely hotel in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK with his wife is something he would like to do.'

Yes Sapphire that's not right if he's just changed his mind I agree on that. I'm just saying that if freshmint has to do it on her own, it's not going to damage her DD for life because they are too busy with their first day at Uni.

I'd just get a lovely weekend, in say a month, in a boutique hotel, in Edinburgh with champagne cocktails all weekend - paid for by my husband who decided to change his mind and get his DD to agree with him.

Iggi and sgt that's really sweet of you, thank you. You are so kind!

Haff - my mum lives v nearby so she could keep an eye on the others and spend the night.

Can't really take time off - I get the whole of August off so can't. take any more time just when I'm back to work if you see what I mean.

No I haven't taken that convo any further by discussing how I feel as he did not want to. He left it hanging and has suddenly busied himself making a cake with dd2. He doesn't want to discuss it because he is afraid it will end up with him not going to France. So he would rather not talk about it at all.