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Original poster

Looks like I will be dropping DD1 off at university by myself

130 replies

freshmint · 30/05/2016 10:34

I'm really sad about this. We have 4 dc. Eldest doing A levels and off to uni in the autumn.
Earlier this year DH told me that he, his brothers and nephews were going to go over to France to the WW1 battlefields to be at the grave of his great uncle on the 100th anniversary of his death in September. They have visited that grave about every 5 years since he was a kid. I pointed out that if DD chose a Scottish university, that weekend would be the start of freshers week. If she chose an English one it would be OK.
He booked it all up at a time when she was holding offers from 1 Scottish and 2 English unis. I asked what he would do if it clashed with taking her to a Scottish uni. He said of course he wouldn't go to France but would take her to uni with me.
Well, she has firmed the Scottish uni. Her offer is lower than her predictions. We assume she is going there. This weekend DD and I looked at all the halls choices and she applied for accommodation. I thought I'd better book a hotel in Edinburgh as we are in the south east and it is about a 7 hour drive to Edinburgh.

DH makes it clear it is my trip with DD because he "will be in France". So I have to do 14 hours driving in 36 hours by myself (DD not insure able in my car) and stay in Edinburgh by myself after dropping dd off.
I'm really sad. Sad that we won't be sharing in this quite significant event of our first child leaving home. Sad he won't be sharing in the adventure and amusement of the trip. Sad that he doesn't think a night in a lovely hotel in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK with his wife is something he would like to do.
I'm actually for the first time ever seriously thinking that our marriage might not survive the kids leaving home. We seem to be drifting apart.

I did ask him why he wasn't coming to Edinburgh and he said "DD doesn't want me to come, do you DD?" And called her over and said "do you need me to come to drop you off to university?" She said "no" and wandered off and he said "See?" To me... Like he was a seven year old and I was his mum about to stop him from playing in the Xbox.

Anyway I just thought I would vent. I'm sad.

OP posts:

Redglitter · 30/05/2016 11:08

I'd go with NewIdeas suggestion. Set off the day before. Relax and enjoy your swanky hotel with your daughter then once you've dropped her off you can head home

kittybiscuits · 30/05/2016 11:08

How the fuck is his trip not a jolly? 100th anniversary of uncle's death!?

kittybiscuits · 30/05/2016 11:10

This is about how the OP feels about her marriage and about how her husband is treating her. Not about half bottles of champagne and 'don't be silly it's only a 7 hour drive'

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:11

How horrible of him to

Go back on a promise to take his dad to uni.
Ask your dd if she wanted him there, the way he did.
Try to make the youngest dd go with you and take "the boys".

Sorry OP but he sounds like a selfish wanker who just wants a boys trip away.

You'll get lots of people np saying "what the issue?" "Go on your own" etc etc. but your ability to drive on your own isn't the issue. The issue is the fact he does not want to take his dd to uni when he agreed he would.

Savagebeauty · 30/05/2016 11:12

Wouldn't bother me. I took DD last year on my own.

kittybiscuits · 30/05/2016 11:13

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:14

kitty if it's not a jolly, why doesn't he want his youngest dd to go to?

Answer: because it's a jolly!

Original poster

freshmint · 30/05/2016 11:15

Thanks kitty and bake off. You are quite right.
I am perfectly capable of driving 7 hours by myself. I'm perfectly capable of staying in a hotel and eating by myself. Done those things 100s of times. It's just that it isn't what I thought we were doing. And he hasn't asked me if it is ok with me or whether I would prefer his company because he doesn't want me to say either (i) I thought you were or (ii) yes.

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 30/05/2016 11:16

but its not a boys trip away - all the children are going with them too including brothers children. I would also feel differently if this was a one off trip but he has been doing this trip since he was a child.

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:16

I suppose it does all come down to how people view this event.

In our family, going off to uni was a celebration and something both DH and I did. Dd's would have been if their father had backtracked when he'd previously said he would drop them off.

3littlefrogs · 30/05/2016 11:17

Split the journey into two stages, book a travel lodge or similar for the half way point and enjoy the time with your DD.
I would find a drive to Scotland very tiring if I had to do it all in one go. Twenty years ago it would have been fine, but not now.

I think this has just brought the fact that you and DH are drifting apart into focus.

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:18

freshmint have you told him exactly what you've put in your last post?

Original poster

freshmint · 30/05/2016 11:18

Beauglacons if you think this is a situation that can be fixed by scrapping the Caledonian Hotel and booking a Premiere Inn then I haven't explained myself very well!! But thank you for making me laugh, it has cheered me up immeasurably . I really mean that!

Actually if I booked a premier inn my DH would get so worried he might come with me!!! >

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 30/05/2016 11:18

I completely agree that it's a jolly bakeoff.

theredjellybean · 30/05/2016 11:19

I do not think either of you are wrong in how you are feeling.
He probably sees it as a functional trip to drop of dd, and you see it as a significant life event for dd and a chance for a nice evening together wothout kids, plus i can imagine you might also be feeling a touch vulnerable after dropping of first to leave home ...i did.

I find the whole 100 anniversary of a dead uncle he must have never met a bit of a poor excuse really...its a jolly clearly for the boys in the family, hence reluctance to take younger dd ( good on her for standing up for herself).

But I can see why he perhaps does not understand why you are sad etc, i think you need to explain it to him, as you have to us, that it is not just about driving and dropping off in functional terms.

What would happen if you told him you wanted to spend the time with him, and you needed him there for you , more than dd ? maybe he just doesnt realise how you feel about it.

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:19

Sorry Kitty I misread your post

RainIsAGoodThing · 30/05/2016 11:19

Another one here who gladly took myself to uni. But I get that it's him backing out of the promise, not the promise itself, that hurts.

Poor you. You should be able to rely on your DH and DD should be able to rely on her dad. Sorry if I've missed this but what does she think about it?

MyNewBearTotoro · 30/05/2016 11:20

Only one of my parents took me to university, the other stayed at home with my siblings.

My parent helped me unload all my boxes from the car and then I pretty much waved them goodbye straight away. They definitely were there less than an hour.

Sorry, but I really think this is no big deal.

Original poster

freshmint · 30/05/2016 11:20

No bake off because when I tried he immediately dragged DD into it and demanded if she cared if he was there or not. So if I do I will again be treated like the nasty lady who is trying to spoil his fun because I can. I'm too tired.

OP posts:

Haroldplaystheharmonica · 30/05/2016 11:23

Sorry, it's not a biggie from me either. My dad dropped me off at Uni as my mum had my brother and sister to look after and they had school the next day. If either of my two go down the Uni route (I want them to, OH has other ideas...) I imagine only one of us will do it. Probably him as I'll be in tears or holding it back, trying not to get upset!

HermioneJeanGranger · 30/05/2016 11:24

Speak to him alone - go out or something and tell him how you feel. Then he can't drag other people's opinions into it. I do get you're upset that he went back on his promise but I don't really think taking 3 young children abroad on your own is much of a jolly!

theredjellybean · 30/05/2016 11:25

freshmint....I recall feeling exactly like that with my exH...why bother explaining ....again....why I wanted him to basically be like me in his feelings and thinking :)
gradually though i realised you cannot make someone see things the way you do.
you can explain to them why you need them at something , why it feels significant to you , but if they know this and they still choose something else , especially something that could perhaps be moved, then you have a problem.

I do honestly thiink that maybe your DH just sees it as a functioonal trip to drop off dd and as she is not bothered who is doing the dropping off he cannot understand what the fuss is about.

kittybiscuits · 30/05/2016 11:25

No worries bakeoff - thanks - my post was unclear. Rain asked an important question about the DD's feelings - the actual feelings and wishes - not just how she responded when put on the spot in a manipulative fashion.

You sound really fed up freshmint. Is this a recurrent theme with your H? Or something new?

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:26

Oh freshmint don't let him treat you like "the nasty lady".

You need to speak to him without the DC there, stay very calm and tell him what you've told us. That it's not about taking her up on your own, it's about him going back on his promise to take dd up together and then trying to make out your the party pooper when HE went back on the plans.

Aftershock15 · 30/05/2016 11:29

Send dd on the train with minimal stuff. Arrange to drive up with dh a few weeks later for your weekend away with extra stuff. She might actually be glad to see you then.

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