Looks like I will be dropping DD1 off at university by myself

[freshmint]

I'm really sad about this. We have 4 dc. Eldest doing A levels and off to uni in the autumn.
Earlier this year DH told me that he, his brothers and nephews were going to go over to France to the WW1 battlefields to be at the grave of his great uncle on the 100th anniversary of his death in September. They have visited that grave about every 5 years since he was a kid. I pointed out that if DD chose a Scottish university, that weekend would be the start of freshers week. If she chose an English one it would be OK.
He booked it all up at a time when she was holding offers from 1 Scottish and 2 English unis. I asked what he would do if it clashed with taking her to a Scottish uni. He said of course he wouldn't go to France but would take her to uni with me.
Well, she has firmed the Scottish uni. Her offer is lower than her predictions. We assume she is going there. This weekend DD and I looked at all the halls choices and she applied for accommodation. I thought I'd better book a hotel in Edinburgh as we are in the south east and it is about a 7 hour drive to Edinburgh.

DH makes it clear it is my trip with DD because he "will be in France". So I have to do 14 hours driving in 36 hours by myself (DD not insure able in my car) and stay in Edinburgh by myself after dropping dd off.
I'm really sad. Sad that we won't be sharing in this quite significant event of our first child leaving home. Sad he won't be sharing in the adventure and amusement of the trip. Sad that he doesn't think a night in a lovely hotel in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK with his wife is something he would like to do.
I'm actually for the first time ever seriously thinking that our marriage might not survive the kids leaving home. We seem to be drifting apart.

I did ask him why he wasn't coming to Edinburgh and he said "DD doesn't want me to come, do you DD?" And called her over and said "do you need me to come to drop you off to university?" She said "no" and wandered off and he said "See?" To me... Like he was a seven year old and I was his mum about to stop him from playing in the Xbox.

Anyway I just thought I would vent. I'm sad.

[SapphireStrange]

Well, Rousette, I was really responding to your statement 'He happens to be going on a boys holiday'. He doesn't 'happen' to be doing so – he arranged it, said he'd change it if it clashed with DD going to uni, and then didn't change it.

That's what I'd find hurtful and puzzling about this. As well as the fact that he doesn't seem to want, as the OP said, to spend this important time with her and DD.

[SapphireStrange]

He doesn't want to discuss it because he is afraid it will end up with him not going to France. So he would rather not talk about it at all.

Yes, that's plain. It's not at all fair for him not to listen to you though.

[Penfold007]

How do you know its denial? Have you asked DD1 what she actually wants, she may prefer to go on her own or may fancy some one on one time with her mum.

[BotanicalPJs]

I think I agree with Haffdonga. I was dropped off in uni by my dad as my mum couldn't come. It didn't make any difference to me at all.

Why don't you arrange a trip for you all to visit her nearer Christmas time? She'll probably prefer this as she'll have plenty to show you once she's got to know the town and her uni.

[Roussette]

Sapphire we'll have to agree to differ. Yes, he should not have gone back on what he agreed But my opinion (just my opinion) is that it isn't as important as some other milestones for both parents being there.. As I said in previous posts the child going off to Uni barely registers what parent is or isn't there and just wants to get on with it!

However I appreciate that to the OP it is important. I was just trying to look at one angle of how the DC would feel and I am not sure it would make much difference if it was just Mum dropping off. However, OP is upset and I get that. But it's almost a whole other issue, i.e. she needs to speak to her DH in general.

[SapphireStrange]

I don't think we really disagree, Rousette. Well, maybe only on how important it is that he be there to take DD to uni.

I think we agree about the way he's behaving towards the OP. And I am with you when you say that it's a whole other issue and that she needs a proper talk with him.

[Roussette]

Yes absolutely Sapphire.
I hate it if ever my DH rewrites history and pretends he hasn't agreed to something when he has, it gets my goat, and I don't let him get away with it because it's not fair.

[MatildaTheCat]

Fresh mint, it sounds as if you are going to need to make the best of this weekend whilst making it crystal clear to your dh that you are not happy and in future he takes you into consideration before planning one of his jollies.

I suspect he genuinely cannot see what the problem is. DD will get to uni, has said she's not bothered and you have seethed but perhaps not fully explained your feelings.

So, do as you plan and make the best of it, go by train and fed ex up any boxes, send her by train and wave her off then visit soon after with dh. There are many options. There will also be a forum for new students for them to chat and their arrival plans will be much discussed.

I am sympathetic but now it's up to you and DD to make it a nice trip.

( my poor ds was put on the train to Edinbugh with all his bags and we waved him off. I did have a cry.)

[Iggi999]

Ah Pugalugs (should have guessed it was you with that name!) you are too kind.

[HappyNevertheless]

The issue here though isn't about what dd1 wants or not.

The issue is that he said he was going to be there to help with his dd1 move to Uni.
Then decided that the tripo to France was better. He never asked his dd1 if she wanted him or not. He just took the decision to go.
And now he is shitting himself that he might have to cancel after all.

And in the idle of all that, also wanted the easy way out of taking the older two dcs but not the youngest as she would probably be 'harder work' to look after (well she WILL have to be looked after when the other will look after themselves)

So 1- he is a coward
And 2- he isn't even a great father as he is happy to go back on his word, leave the OP do all the hard work of driving etc... AND get rid of his younger dd that didn't fit his plan.

And I do think he sees what he problem is. Otherwise, he would have been able to argue back to the OP. Which he can't because he never asked BEFORE if she wanted him there or not.

I suspect that the dd1 migt no it be bothered for him to be there because her mum will be there to help for the move.
The fact he didn't ask if the OP was happy to do all the driving on her own, if she wanted help etc... Says a lot too. This is not all about the dd1. It's also about who is going to help her moving. From the fact she can't do the move by train she DOES want some help. It just doesn't have to be from her dad...

[ptumbi]

Rousette - you say you didn't want your DH there, so you could 'bawl your eyes out all the way home'? OP can't actually do that, you see, because she'll be driving 7 hours home. Alone. No one to help with the driving, or comfort her, or even be there, actually, just be there.

Because he'd rather spend 10 minutes at a graveside of someone he'd never even met, on a boys weekend, than be with his wife for the weekend. (And yes, I get the 'gratitude to those who fell in the Great/ANY War') I would be so hurt if that happened to me, and hurt for DD too, but mainly becasue it would high light for me, how far apart we'd gone.

[Roussette]

ptumbi. Nowhere did I say I didn't want him there, or if I did it was in relation to a previous post of mine whereby I said he had something booked that I wanted him to go on. Also, you don't know how far I had to drive home but I had younger DC with me it wasn't just up the road (who, incidentally, wanted to come as it wasn't long until she was going off to Uni so she was curious) and she was great company.

I'm not being obtuse here honest I'm not. But once DC1 got her offer through we realised it clashed with a golf trip he had booked and there is no way I would have made him cancel and I'm glad I didn't. It was all about my DC going off at this point. Not me and him.

I do appreciate though that the OPs DH has gone back on his word. (I have to add that in case anyone picks me up on my post!)

[SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius]

Thank-you PUGaLUGS - the tenner's in the post!

So, it looks like you, me and Iggi on the razzle in Edinburgh, then, Freshmint!

[scarlets]

IUnderstand completely why you're cheesed off. You've received excellent practical advice and some generous offers of company, but they don't detract from the fact that your husband is being very self-centred. And I say that as someone with a strong interest in WW1 - I think it's brilliant that people are respectfully visiting slain soldiers' graves 100 years later - but living relatives are more important.

[derxa]

Did your DD and DH have a prior conversation about going? She might have said, 'I don't need you to come.' He got hurt about that and things carried on from there. Only speculation I know.
The drive up is a good old hike and very tiring. How enjoyable would the Caledonian be for just one night?
I would fly up and get stuff when you're there. The John Lewis is great.

[PUGaLUGS]

[BeauGlacons]

I'm sorry if you thought my post harsh but I guess I'm just used to divvying up duties like this and carrying on when dh has something come up at work.

I think your dh just went with the path of least resistance on the basis that he didn't think the Scottish uni was a serious runner. Edinburgh's high on dd's list btw but a year to go.

We spend a lot of time in France and dh and ds have really enjoyed the battlefields but when we went together, dd who was 6/7 at the time didn't engage and has never shown any interest so I can sort of see your dh's pov about that. Having said that dh and ds are natural historians whereas dd and I are more maths/ science wired.

He shouldn't have said one thing and done another but I still think you need to rise above it and accomplish it with absolute aplomb. And what's wrong with a Premier Inn, serves a jolly decent purpose on long journeys .

If I were you I'd insist on the Friday off - I work in Education and I'd grant it for someone in your shoes - drive up to York on Friday and stay there - leave for Edinburgh at sparrowfart, get her settled and get back to York by 8ish then leave York at 6.30 on Sunday morning and be home for lunch time at your mum's with an afternoon to recover. and tell him you are booking Mollymaid to come in under your mum's supervision that weekend (or a more reasonable cleaning company).

I'd nod and smile op and make it work to your advantage.

[oncemoreuntothebreachoncemore]

Why doesn't dd take the train with enough stuff for a week or two, then you can go to France with your family, and both you and your DH can drive up with the rest of her stuff the next weekend.

Parents are an embarrassment when you arrive at uni, it is seriously uncool to have them hang around. Your dd doesn't need you to drive her there.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't think the OP has been invited to France.

[grannytomine]

Roussette I know exactly what you mean. My last one was a five hour drive and by the time I got home I had got over the miseries and it was all alot less traumatic by myself.

I actually found the youngest going more emotional than the eldest and we both enjoyed the day together. It was different to the others when DH came as well but not worse, if I'm honest it was better. My husband just has a different way of dealing with this sort of thing, more of a practical attitude, something that needs doing, where I am more emotional and wanted a nice trip and a nice meal and then a good cry, I drove about ten minutes so son couldn't see me and stopped and had a sob and then pulled myself together and drove home.

It is annoying that you feel let down but maybe daughter isn't bothered about him being there, maybe she would like this trip to be you and her and if that's it then maybe it will be great. I hope so.

When I took mine to uni, 4 different places nothing so easy as following in family footsteps, some students arrived on their own, some with one parent, some with two and some with the whole family. In my daughter's halls there were alot of overseas students who arrived by plane with one bag.

Start of term used to be fun with two or three of them wanting lifts in the same week, end of years tended to be a bit more staggered. Oh happy days.

I hope it all goes well.

[Iggi999]

SDTG

[DumbDailyMail]

I get that him changing his mind is irritating but him not coming wouldn't bother me at all. I don't get why you both need to be there. .

Do you have a parent or friend who would like to go, or what about taking one of the other kids for company.

You could also drive up the night before and stay somewhere lovely with you DD - then drop her off in the morning and drive home.

Depending on cash, it may be possible for your DD to,go,on her own by train and for you to arrange a Waitrose and John Lewis or Tescos delivery with her essentials.

Alternatively, why don't you just get her stuff shipped there and send her on Megabus. I bet it would be cheaper tha hiring and taking the night. You and your DH could then visit sometime in October or November for a catch up.

I think your DHs reason for not going are very understandable. Does your DD really want him to miss going so that he can accompany you? My DCs would not want DH to miss out on going to, France.

[DumbDailyMail]

Google student shipping, there are lots of companies offering to ship students belongings.

HERE is one example

[DumbDailyMail]

Sorry for typos. Driving not hiring etc.

[Roussette]

My husband just has a different way of dealing with this sort of thing, more of a practical attitude, something that needs doing, where I am more emotional and wanted a nice trip and a nice meal and then a good cry, I drove about ten minutes so son couldn't see me and stopped and had a sob and then pulled myself together and drove home

grannytomine ditto - exactly the same except I was bawling and it lasted longer than ten minutes. TBH it was good to let it all out without DH in the car! I was worse with my eldest. By the time it came to the next one, I knew what to expect so I was sort of OK. ish...

Is there any resolution freshmint?