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Original poster

Looks like I will be dropping DD1 off at university by myself

130 replies

freshmint · 30/05/2016 10:34

I'm really sad about this. We have 4 dc. Eldest doing A levels and off to uni in the autumn.
Earlier this year DH told me that he, his brothers and nephews were going to go over to France to the WW1 battlefields to be at the grave of his great uncle on the 100th anniversary of his death in September. They have visited that grave about every 5 years since he was a kid. I pointed out that if DD chose a Scottish university, that weekend would be the start of freshers week. If she chose an English one it would be OK.
He booked it all up at a time when she was holding offers from 1 Scottish and 2 English unis. I asked what he would do if it clashed with taking her to a Scottish uni. He said of course he wouldn't go to France but would take her to uni with me.
Well, she has firmed the Scottish uni. Her offer is lower than her predictions. We assume she is going there. This weekend DD and I looked at all the halls choices and she applied for accommodation. I thought I'd better book a hotel in Edinburgh as we are in the south east and it is about a 7 hour drive to Edinburgh.

DH makes it clear it is my trip with DD because he "will be in France". So I have to do 14 hours driving in 36 hours by myself (DD not insure able in my car) and stay in Edinburgh by myself after dropping dd off.
I'm really sad. Sad that we won't be sharing in this quite significant event of our first child leaving home. Sad he won't be sharing in the adventure and amusement of the trip. Sad that he doesn't think a night in a lovely hotel in one of the most beautiful cities in the UK with his wife is something he would like to do.
I'm actually for the first time ever seriously thinking that our marriage might not survive the kids leaving home. We seem to be drifting apart.

I did ask him why he wasn't coming to Edinburgh and he said "DD doesn't want me to come, do you DD?" And called her over and said "do you need me to come to drop you off to university?" She said "no" and wandered off and he said "See?" To me... Like he was a seven year old and I was his mum about to stop him from playing in the Xbox.

Anyway I just thought I would vent. I'm sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
freshmint · 30/05/2016 11:31

I think it is a recurrent theme. If I thought I could get him actually think and understand I might broach it but I fear it will just be met by "ok, well if you feel so strongly about it I won't go to France. Is that what you want? fine. I'm going to Edinburgh." And that won't help anything.

OP posts:
WhatchaMaCalllit · 30/05/2016 11:33

I think you're experiencing the first stages of "empty nest" scenario. You have to find yourselves as individuals and also as a couple once the kids leave home.

Just my tuppence on the situation.

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:33

You could start the conversation with "I don't want you to come to Edinburgh as you've made it plain how you want to spend the weekend but I want to talk about how this has come about"

HamaTime · 30/05/2016 11:33

Well my Dad was dead before I went to uni so I only had one parent and my younger brother was dropped off by me and my bf at the time but that's hardly the bloody point.

The OPs dd probably doesn't care all that much because for her the trip is more about getting her new room, meeting her flatmates etc but the OP thought she was having a nice mini break in a nice city with her DH and now she isn't and he hasn't even asked her if she is bothered, he's only asked his dd who won't even be with them after she's got her stuff out of the car. If they could move the France trip to another weekend because of the other brother's commitments then the could move it because the OPs DH is supposed to be on holiday with his wife. No wonder you are sad about it.

Original poster
freshmint · 30/05/2016 11:34

Bake off you are right. I should. I might. Nothing will get better if we don't start telling each other how we feel I guess.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 30/05/2016 11:34

It sounds like he is lacking in communication and negotiation skills. Sounds a bit passive-aggressive to me. Can really suck the joy out of you.

bakeoffcake · 30/05/2016 11:40

I think you are right fresh. Unless you start being honest with him, nothing will get better.

I do hope he will realise how awfully he's behaved and apologises at the very least Flowers

Original poster
freshmint · 30/05/2016 11:41

Thanks very much everyone. I really appreciate it. Flowers

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 30/05/2016 11:45

His priority is a dead great uncle who has been dead over 100 years and he's putting that above his own DD moving to other side of the country? He'd rather be by a graveside than his own family? Hmm

I'd be questioning my marriage too OP. Have a great time in Edinburgh. Don't worry about the driving, you'll be fine and you'll prove to yourself you can do it alone .......and may other things alone and it can be fun

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 30/05/2016 11:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsMims · 30/05/2016 11:54

I would be upset too OP.

It's not really about being capable of the long drive which I'm sure you are, but the fact he has backtracked without considering your feelings.

Also, I disagree about the only needing one parent for drop off. Of course it's not essential, but most parents should want to be there for such a milestone and to show support.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 30/05/2016 11:55

Why did he only want to take the boys to France and not your other DD?

ptumbi · 30/05/2016 11:56

All the posters saying 'I didn;t want/get/need either parent at uni drop off' - are spectacularly missing the entire bloody point!

OP wants DH to be there with her for a nice weekend, would like help with the driving (I am SE and my ds2 at Durham - that's 6+ hours each way, and I am honestly glad of the break after 3! )

YANBU OP. Your DH is being selfish, and yes, sounds like he is drifting away. Sad

ilovesooty · 30/05/2016 11:56

I think which event he goes to is on the face of it irrelevant and it doesn't need practical solutions.

What is relevant is your perception that the two of you have different views of your relationship and that developing gap between you needs to be talked about.

Lunar1 · 30/05/2016 11:57

I can't believe people think this is about if the op and dd can manage to do the trip alone!

Maybe she'd like her dh to keep to his word, and have a bit of comfort when she leaves her eldest child in halls. That's a huge thing for a parent.

Hulababy · 30/05/2016 11:58

On MN you will always get MNers saying why go, send her in her own, no one goes, I took myself, etc.

In reality, even back in the early 90s almost everyone was taken to university by parents, usually both - ime anyway and that was to a wide range of universities and polys, and from a range of school types. I went to a bog standard state school and every single person I knew were taken by parents. Likewise in the halls they all had parents dropping them. Nothing was changed 10'years later when my sister went, nor years after that when I was teaching sixth formers. I was very unusual in my experience to go alone - and for the majority on the initial drop off both parents, where together, went too and often siblings.

No one I knew was just sent packing on a train with their bags when they moved out of home for the first time.

So OP, I don't think YABU. Your dh changed his mind and took no account of what you or your dd wanted, and that's not on.

Original poster
freshmint · 30/05/2016 12:02

I haven't really pushed DD to find out what she thinks because I don't want to highlight to her that DH has chosen not to come after saying that he would.
I know she would love it if he was there but not sure how she thinks about him not coming.
She was pretty cross when he tried to fob DD2 off with a trip to Edinburgh though, she was not happy at all that dd2 might be crashing her first day at uni.

OP posts:
Roussette · 30/05/2016 12:03

I'm torn on this really. I do think you are building up "first going to Uni and taking her there" thing more than you possibly should. OTOH I do get it.

However, I did take first DC on my own as DH was off on some jolly. I went with one other DC who consoled me on the way home (cried all the way home haha) and to be honest in a strange sort of way, I was glad DH wasn't there because I could let it all out without him telling me I was being OTT!

If however, this is more about a lovely weekend away together, yes I get it, but in the big scheme of things, the dropping off at Uni is pretty minor, even if it doesn't seem like it at the time. Sorry if I have been a bit clusmy in how I have put this.

SapphireStrange · 30/05/2016 12:05

I think the most important things about this are 1) that he said he'd not go to France if it clashed with DD's going to uni and then reneged and 2) that he's trying to make you 'the nasty lady'.

Ask him why he said he wouldn't go and then changed his mind.

And tell him exactly what you've told us on this thread. And don't let him just say 'Oh well, if that's what you want.' Make him listen and understand why you feel how you do.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 30/05/2016 12:09

💐 I can see why you are worried about your marriage. It might not survive the 'kids are grown' stage, many don't, but it definitely won't (happily) if you keep 'letting him have things his way' and 'keeping the peace' whilst feeling sad & let down and like you are drifting apart leading separate lives 🙁

I'd find a good time, & child free place, to talk to him. Tell him how you feel about everything, not just Edinburgh. Tell him how worried you are about your marriage & drifting apart (it's not really drifting apart, he's just acting like an arse actually) and that you fear you won't survive the next stage of your marriage if these issues aren't discussed and sorted out. Make it clear that this isn't about driving or staying alone, or even about your DD - it's about you feeling like he doesn't want to be with YOU & feeling that in general your thoughts, feelings, desires no longer mean anything to him.

I hope you can work through it 💐

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 30/05/2016 12:09

He sounds monumentally selfish. I'm guessing that DD2 doesn't fit into his plans for a 'boys trip' to France, hence why he tried to get her to go with you. At no point has it occurred to him that perhaps this is a pretty important day for DD1, so it might be nice to consider what she wants. I'm also guessing that this isn't the first time he's done this - life probably sails along quite nicely as long as you all fit in with his plans and what he wants to do.

ImperialBlether · 30/05/2016 12:13

I think it's a rite of passage, going off to university, if the child hasn't lived anywhere else before (gap year, boarding school) and it's one both parents should want to witness - they should also be there to support each other. The driving isn't the problem - I'm sure if he had a broken leg (that could be arranged) you wouldn't mind driving both ways, but the journey there and back will be emotional. Your daughter might well be high as a kite and excited about the move but for you, there will be mixed feelings as she leaves your home to live somewhere else. He should want to be there to witness it and support you.

I'm divorced but there was never any question that we would both take our children to university together.

Your husband, OP, is basically saying he's sticking with tradition, by honouring his great uncle - and good for him for doing that - but he's actually not honouring his own wife and child. "Love, honour, cherish." What's he doing to show he's honouring those vows?

Ginslinger · 30/05/2016 12:14

I completely get you - Flowers You probably need to talk about how this has made you feel when you're feeling less upset by it.

mix56 · 30/05/2016 12:15

I took myself to uni. I had a car, it took me 7 hours to drive there, I was 18.

I wouldn't drive if I were you, I wold fly, or drive one way. Have a great time, you will have a wonderful girls trip, & your dick husband will be the loser.

Nydj · 30/05/2016 12:20

I disagree with posters saying he sees the trip to Edinburgh from a different viewpoint I.e. Functional only. It looks like he knows exactly what it is and why it is Important for OP and that is why he is washing his hands of all responsibility by saying DD doesn't need him there. As for posters saying that they managed such long drives all by themselves, well, bully for you, but it isn't about what you managed, it's supposed to be about supporting a fellow poster who is feeling sad and alone as a parent.

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