You cannot communicate with batshit

[Pingpang]

Following on from a recent thread regarding those who are NC/LC with family members.

Welcome to the good ship Narcymcnarcface! The bar is stocked and there's a seat for everyone. Shuffleboard starts in 20 mins.

Oh dear, I'd not read that far on the GN thread, why would anyone think that going to your place of work was appropriate?!

Difficult day today, had our first antenatal class, my anxiety is through the roof.

I've never been very confident or good at making friends but I've gone terrible since my family's character assassination of me after the wedding.

Spent the whole day feeling uncomfortable and making awkward conversation, now we're home I'm convinced they all think I'm strange and will be excluded from the mumsy club their all obviously going to form.

I wish the anxiety would piss off so I could have a normal perception of the world.

Gosh. The Issendai post is definitely about a certain poster on our sister forum. I'd read about a week's worth of this saga and was confused. The blog author's taken the trouble to piece the story together - what a story!! How can that 'EGP', or at least her friends, not see she is stalking her own daughter? (Don't answer that.)

As a PP said earlier - if 'T' finds this thread: you are not being unreasonable!

I don't want to drag this conversation back towards gransnet, so will settle down in listening mode. I'm in the snug with a pitcher of vodka caipirinha.

Yes, lets not drag GN back. I shall entertain you with a little anecdote re: stalking instead

Back when the batshittery was at it's height here, and we were NC with the MIL (she lived away, and didn't drive). She would often visit our town for a few days (book into a B&B and come over on the bus) to stalk us, most of the time we would only know about it afterwards because she would post us a letter before she went back (so it would have the local postmark as proof she was here).

There was one time in particular when she rang DH's work afterwards and spoke to a colleague. She complained bitterly that I had left the washing out overnight (which of course meant she had stalked our house at least twice that weekend).

And people wonder why I lock my doors

Oh lord, I'll get me eyes glued to the binoculars, ready to yell 'warship at 30 knots ahead' type of things... It may or may not help though due to lack of seafaring knowledge! And I'm haring down to join you asap if cannons start!

I think I have found my home. Was doing really well keeping a certain person at arms length but it all went batshit. Now I am firmly refusing to acknowledge batshit behaviour as shittybatshitter is sulking.
I have had a good laugh about it since tho.

Hope you don't mind a stowaway!

Here's an odd memory brought back by someone on another thread earlier: when I was 9/10 maybe, my mum pretended to forget she was cutting my hair and not my brother's, and she cut it all off and even started shaving the back of it (wildly different colours and ages).

I asked her about this years later and she said she hadn't. When I pointed to the photos, she said I'd asked for it because I'd wanted to be a boy (I do remember her calling us her two boys with pride). When I looked sceptical, she said that I'd never liked washing my hair and it was easier that way. I don't remember asking for it at all, I just remember panicking and crying when I felt it start.

How weird was that though? And I mean, really, is that weird, or quite normal? I don't have kids so don't know - is it a real pain to get 9 year olds to wash their hair?

merd I don't think cutting a child's hair off because they don't like washing it is normal

I'm sure you would remember if you'd ask her to do it

Merd, your post has proper freaked me out!
My mum cut my hair boy short too, I liked having long hair and got bullied for my boy hair, I most certainly didn't ask for it or want to be a boy

She said I had to have a cut because my hair was knotty, I didn't really know what that meant, a cut could be a trim. She asked the hairdresser for a boy cut!

I asked her about it later, I asked "but why cut it all off? If the ends were knotty with it long, why couldn't I have had a bob or something? why boy short?"

Her answer? I'm not sure you'll be able to predict this batshitness:
"well bobs didn't exist back then, it was long or short, they were the only two options we had"

(FYI I was not born prior to the 1920s! Bobs existed.)

I didn't buy that, so she started telling me that my hair was un brushable and I was crying every night when she tried to brush it and she had to do it.

That's just not true. I brushed my own hair anyway, she wasn't a doting "I'll do your hair darling" mother.

At the time this happend I was getting a lot of compliments from people including random strangers in the street about my beautiful hair.

Mere, maybe you had asked her, or she misunderstood. If your mum is anything like me, I'm always mishearing things, or telling off the wrong child and stuff. It's a little bit weird (not batshit, maybe absent minded), but some of my own mum's behaviour was a bit odd, but looking back I think she was just knackered and lonely. All is forgiven on my part.

The batshitter in my life is stalking me a little. It was funny but now I'm a little,worried. I suspected that she had looked on my phone yesterday (can't prove it) amongst other batshit behaviour.

I've had the stalking too

if I try to ask about it I get "You don't own this town, I have every right to be here, I was meeting a friend! it's nothing to do with you"
(she doesn't have any friends here, she would arrange to meet friends from another town on my street!! and not because we have any particularly spactacular cafes here that would be worth travelling to, my guess is she tells the friend she's visited us and can meet them after or before for coffee, but that's just my speculation - otherwise how does she justify arranging for them both to go out of their way for a coffee???)

But it's the kind of gaslighting where you do sound crazy if you react to it, even though she's the one behaving crazily

If one of my kids asked for a drastic hair change I wouldn't absent mindedly pick up a scissors and start hacking at the next head I grabbed!

I would give them a week or so and make sure they still wanted the drastic change!

And I can be as scatty/tired/addled as the next person. I'll walk out of the house without my keys from time to time, but Merds hair? I dont think it's the kind of thing you make a mistake on unless you are really a bit out of it or unwell

Screen, that's SO WEIRD! maybe she hated you getting compliments?

I am trying to imagine asking to look like a boy - I'm not saying that's impossible. I remember how happy she was with "her two boys" on days out, and feeling miserable when I started "developing" and wore big tips to cover up.

About the hair though, I mainly remember I got the absolute piss taken out of me at school and cried a lot about it and cringe a boy who had "liked" me no longer did end of the world. Even now she keeps telling me it suits me short (it doesn't) and keeps hers short too so maybe it's that too.

Maybe eighteen million fights about hair-washing does weird things to your brain, though I can't remember those either.

Bloody stupid rubbish brain! Don't you wish there were videos of it all?!

X-post yes I think I'd wait and check, it's such a big thing re-growing very short hair!

Merds hair? I dont think it's the kind of thing you make a mistake on

Neither do I. I think it's post facto justification. I think the muddled story supports that theory.

For reference, some children do hate hair washing and/or brushing. It can be connected to a sensory processing disorder - in which case it would have persisted, and you'd know about what you did to develop a coping strategy. Or it can be just a "phase". Neither case calls for extreme shearing.

If we're looking for excuses, very short haircuts used to be a popular response to nits (up until the 1970s, I think,) but my mother managed to comb the fuckers out. The Nit Nurse certainly didn't tell everyone to get their heads shaved, we were supposed to use carbolic shampoo and a nit comb!

Don't you wish there were videos of it all?! - Nah. There's a reason it's one long stretch of interference, with the very occasional image coming into focus. I was talking to a sister this afternoon - she recalls some nice things from family outings, where all I can remember is being shouted at! Her childhood was bloody miserable as well, but a degree less-worse than mine; I'm glad she's taken more good stuff away from it.

Mine doesn't even pretend I asked for it, I cried so much when it was done. Just the badshit excuse that it couldn't have been cut shorter, it had to be either very long and knotty or boy short, no other options in them days

She's not the most feminine woman herself, she dresses quite androgynous, short hair & trousers type, but I always assumed it's because she kinda doesn't like men (or women who like attracting men by dressing or acting feminine).. which is odd since she so wanted me to be a boy… I don't understand her one bit! so many contradictions.

I think it wasn't anything too deep and meaningful though, just one of her nasty fits of rage probably. She would burn or break things associated with a person if she falls out with them.. almost ritualistically with cold dead eyes. it's not normal at all!

Merd, if you liked a boy, I'm guessing you were a similar age to me then? I was at the stage of beginning to like boys but not quite at the stage of wanting to do much more with them than holding hands when she got all of my hair cut off.

It massively disrupted my class in school when I walked in the next morning. It was a drastic change, they were all laughing and talking about it

Yup I'm resisting the urge to join rumbling and the rest of the orchestra (starts to panic slightly).

Trying to ignore the feeling of impending doom here's something I've been trying to crack which I've just realized relates to this thread and my brave shipping companions...

I've been trying to solve poor DSes sleep problems, which is difficult as it's become a drain on my own needs and it's all got tricky and gnarled up. Unfortuneately it's only me that sees the current situation as a problem as DS is where he wants to be right now. DS has gone back to fully cosleeping with me, driven by his need for mummy, to comfort and keep him safe and cuddled all night. He's very scared of the dark and being on his own. It's got worse since Xmas and I have a lot of compassion and empathy for his need to be limpet bonded to me, but I can't actually cope physically with it like this and don't think it's actually helping him much either.

The physical toll of having a sharp elbowed duvet hogging mattress taking little octopus in my bed is big and is affecting my ability to do day time things with him let alone everything else I have to do.

So, am trying to come up with a plan that is very gentle and kind for DS, and ends up with a situation that isn't making me poorlier! And hungrier...

As I'm mostly bedbound it also means I have no evening to speak of, I can't use laptop or play films or even have a light on or eat my dinner!

I should say that DS has been through a hell of a lot in his short life and there's more to his anxiety and bedtime fears than usual.

And it's really hard as its that thing of being failed as a child not just being about going through bad stuff, but growing up without bits of programming around how to love and care for ourselves ...

How do I help DS overcome his fears and build his independence and security so sleeping alone doesn't fill him with terror (for at least 4 hrs each night, I'm not asking for miracles at this point!)?

But how to do that?! I have let this get to crisis point where it's impacting on my physical disability so much... Partly because I'm shite at caring for myself or acknowledging my needs, but also because for me, I don't know how to deal with any dynamic of moving away without it being a complete rejection of my child. Which I know sounds crazy now I've written it down - Extreme mental leaps much?

I just remember my fears and desperate yearning for comfort. I never want DS to ever ever feel that way.

All those needs for love, security, safety being rejected, and belittled, never responded to or helped. Shouted at and belittled for those needs, told I was being childish (well, err, yes indeed I was, beings as I was, oh, I don't know, maybe a child!). Told to grow up, attention seeking, and that i was destroying the family by my selfish evil demands. I was born to fulfill the adult role in the family, and unless I parented my parents I was called childish, a baby, selfish, disgusting yadda yadda). Bit hard when you're 7.

Anyway, I've been thinking about changing his bedtime routine to help him feel calmer and more relaxed.

So, for example I'm wondering if the bedtime stories are creating fodder for the bad dreams, and in my search for less thrilling content, I stumbled on a audio book of children's meditations. We listened to a couple tonight and one was too grown up but inspired a good chat and we made up a 'game' of our own; breathe deeply in the good (rainbow sparkle air according to DS), breathe out long to blow out all those little dark wriggly scary thoughts, and keep going til they've all gone and our heads and bodies are filled with nice rainbow colours. T'other one was the right balance of imagination grabbing and effective, and he zonked out after 5 mins. I hope it's not just the novelty...

So now in a bolt from the blue I realise DS doesn't need star charts or marbles or night lights. I need to start with his wellbeing, not the symptoms. He's anxious and scared at night. So help him learn how to tend to his emotions... now I'm on a quest for children's wellbeing, mindfulness, yoga, visualisations type of stuff. 'Woo' stuff without the woo iyswim.

Why didn't I think of things like that earlier? On to something or being ridiculous?

How do I teach my wonderful and innocent little boy how to care for himself when it doesn't come naturally to me for me or him. Arghhhhh!

So, I hope I'm getting it right this time... Does it sound right?

My sister and I were both assigned hair according to our gender as dictated by my father. I was 'allowed' to be feminine - made to keep hair long. I got a bollocking for getting a bob with my own money aged 13. Sister made to keep her hair short supposedly as it was too thick and curly to be easy to look after if long - it's long now. But u suspect it was because she was 'supposed' to be a boy.

Oh bugger! Spent all evening editing that last post then remembering lots of stuff and I typed it all in an effort to keep it in my head... Then I lost all of it!!! Lost it electronically I should clarify, not out of my brain.

Then catch up on everyone else's posts and I find the whole hair thingy being talked out.

My lost post was about sodding enforced sodding short sodding hair!!!!

Rails against universe. Cries. Goes to find ships bar.

Ships bar open 24/7

Fuck knows we need it!

Slides in (never good at getting hold of me sea legs). Props self up at bar. Slips over again.

Needs drink. Serve yourself or is a handy barman provided?

Glug glug

Bar staff at all times - how else would we get delicious cocktails ?

Why didn't I think of things like that earlier? On to something or being ridiculous?

Misc, you are bang on. You're helping him to learn emotional coping techniques. This is a gift that will sustain him throughout life. Once you've got into the rhythm of it, I think it will come easier and feel totally natural to you both.

It's also good for you! I'm taking a very safe guess that you didn't get taught self-soothing and emotional awareness/management as a child. It's very likely that helping DS will also help your wounded inner child. Quick reminder: it's very OK to use those same techniques yourself, as your young self, when you're at rest.

Good work, missus