I'm not pregnant! An update thread.

[MrsHenryWinter]

This is an update for those of you that might be wondering. I'm not pregnant! I'm so relieved.

I know it was highly unlikely after the MAP and the coil but it's still a massive load off.

Thank you to everyone that has sent me messages after my last thread, it means a lot.

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

What do you think you can "fix"?

He'll try to make you out to be crazy whatever you do that isn't part of his plan. That's how he works. When you leave, do it with as little fanfare as possible.

[CharlotteCollins]

But in his mind, trying to fix things means "submitting" (ugh). That's what fixing things means to him!

So how do you show you've tried to fix things in a way he understands?

You just can't.

But, as a PP said, the way you can actually give him a chance to change, to leave his abusive ways behind - although he will never agree with this - is to leave him. Only by breaking that abusive dynamic, and never going back, so that he can't slip back into old comfortable habits, does he have the remotest chance of changing.

And even then it's only a very very remote chance he'll change. It's about as easy as a right-handed adult becoming left-handed. It would take months and years of practice and even then would feel unnatural and, more importantly, seem totally pointless. He will only act a certain way if he believes it'll get a result he wants. So he'll mimic remorse, willingness to change, desperation to have you back, fury at you disobeying etc etc, whatever he believes is likely to work. But it'll all be manipulation.

[Lweji]

Catching up with the thread.

You should do whatever is right for you and the children. He's the least of your concerns. It doesn't matter what he thinks the relationship is like. Only what you think and how you feel about it.

I agree that he won't let you just walk out. You should have a proper leaving plan that is safe for you and minimises the impact on the children. That may include leaving the home at some point and returning later, or not.

[Lweji]

And, no, you can't change him. He'd have to want to, and even so, I'd question any late coming motivations. If he "changed" because you were leaving, how confident would you be that it was a real change? And why hadn't he respected you before?

[ElspethFlashman]

Yes he can try and make you look crazy. But in practice he cannot.

In reality it is exceptionally difficult to prove in law that someone does not have the capacity to care for their children etc right now.

Just having a prescription for antidepressants or similar is not sufficient, nor is it sufficient to have a "troubled past" or to enjoy a drink the odd time.

If one is accused of being irrational etc the correct response is "prove it". Cos usually, it can't be.

Also the first threat is always "I'll take the kids off you, I'll show everyone how fucked up you are". Again - a parent who works all the time never actually wants full custody. Its a tactic to cow the leaver into staying and sadly it often works. And they certainly will find it next to impossible to prove they should get it.

[Lweji]

Again - a parent who works all the time never actually wants full custody.
Not always, but in my case he was physically abusive and with independent witnesses.
He, the sahp and abusive husband, was the one who threatened to take the child away. Most abusers do.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I guess I'm still struggling to see this as abuse and I'm thinking about how you would deal with an unhappy 'normal' relationship.

There isn't much evidence, only my word against his. His mum and dad have witnessed some things but they would never side with me. that's a whole other thread there

I have lied to friends about a black eye and another injury in the past. I made up such a funny story I almost believed it myself in the end

I don't want to return to those days, what we have now is 1000x better.

He wouldn't want custody. I can't imagine life without him. In 'Why Does He Do That?', Bancroft explains how the abusers fills the abused's mind with thoughts of him so nothing else can get in. This is so true!

[ElspethFlashman]

So you think if you start acting differently he will start being violent again?

[goddessofsmallthings]

Writing an abuser such as your h a letter is very bad idea and I hope you won't act on this particular suggestion as, no matter how carefully you craft it, he will inevitably attempt to use it against you one way or another.

If you're not prepared to reach out to WA and take the help and legal advice that will be available to you, there's not a lot that anyone here can do except continue to encourage you to make the call for the sake of your dc.

[AstrantiaMallow]

18 months out of abusive marriage. Don't want to go into it. But his words against mine type thing. Makes no difference in divorce.

What helped me was:
-counselling: not to analyse the whys and hows of my situation because I was already doing a lot of that by myself, but to build myself up. I knew I was weak within the marriage (ie had no voice even when I tried), I worked with the counsellor a lot on my confidence and self-esteem and validating that indeed what was going on was plain wrong and crazy-making. Not to challenge it so much as to stop myself from going crazy.

• making a plan in my head initially. Then in RL. Practical things. How could I do it? How much money? What paperwork? Which solicitors? And so on. That kept me going, because even though awful things were happening at home at least I knew in my heart that I was making progress.
  

You can't fix it. I spent nearly 2 years hoping I could before my ex's behaviour slowly worsened and I realised it wasn't going to happen. If you challenge him in the slightest (and writing a letter about being happier will be seen as a challenge to his authority) he will tighten the screw. Sorry, but he will. Maybe not straightaway but he will. You know that yourself on some level. He will make you look crazy regardless.

Goddess is right. If you do not record what your h is doing now it will make it harder for you to leave.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is that recognising his behaviour is one thing but after a while, cataloguing it and analysing it isn't going to help you. Sure keep a record but try to detach. All he does is along the same lines. Nothing original. He's a shit. End of. Focus on yourself and what you can do. Even little things to start with, but make a plan. Sorry if it sounds harsh.

I too thought my young DCs didn't pick up on things as they never witnessed what happened. Well, my eldest probably picked up on things regardless. Currently having some support himself. Also as your DCs grow up and become their own little people ie don't conform to what your H's view of what things should be, your h will want that crushed, and will expect you to help him. What will you do then? It was starting to happen with my eldest but I was so caught up trying to deflect things coming my way I don't think I realised.

Your children sound younger than mine were when my marriage ended. 18 months on, I wish I had left earlier. If you have money find a really good solicitor who knows about domestic abuse and violence. You absolutely need that because this is what it is. My exh is essentially a violent thug in an expensive suit. So is your H.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I didnt say I wasn't prepared to, I'm just not ready yet.

Many posters have very kindly shared their experiences with me and that has had an impact. I'm sorry if I'm not saying what I'm supposed to or what you want me to.

Yes, I imagine he will turn violent if I argue back like I used to or if I make any obvious attempt to leave. He's physically stopped me before.

My head hurts from thinking about it all again. It's surprisingly easy to separate these things out and forget it happened to me.

[smilingeyes11]

How do you think you are going to try and fix this. By refusing nightly sex, by standing up for yourself and tolerating being thumped? What on earth makes you think that you changing your behaviour is going to make him nice to you?

You do need to speak to WA and your GP, HV and anyone else who will listen. Get his abuse on record. For the future of your DC and you this is necessary. What happens when you leave and there is no record of what he has done and he takes you to court for shared access. What happens if he takes the DC and refuses to bring them back. You need proof of this now. And you need support too.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Dear God don't write him a letter. Don't do anything except prepare to leave, and don't let on. If he'd punched you and bruised you nobody would suggest letters and chances and reconciliation. Yet trying to force you into pregnancy, risking permanent changes to your body, the risks and brutality of childbirth, including tears and major surgery and episiotomies, and the permanent commitment of a child he won't raise, is something you can work on?

We are horrified at your situation OP, and the hell you're suffering now os waking up after years of being anaesthetised by the banality of evil, years of abuse being minimised and normalised and you told never to protest it.

In the name of all that's holy, do not write him a letter. Take the time you need to prepare mentally and practically and then leave. I swear, the light out here is warmer and brighter than you've seen.

[PhoenixReisling]

So you comply, not argue, be contacted endlessly throughout the day, have sex everyday because he wants to, because otherwise he will use violence (and has done in the past) .

He won't change ever, but you have...

[PhoenixReisling]

for you mrs

[ShebaShimmyShake]

OP, I've been in that relationship where he defined my entire identity....not like yours, but certainly I felt I simply had no self expression without him.

Leaving was unbelievably hard but once I had, I could not believe how easy it was to exist without him. All the hobbies and interests I'd had were still there waiting for me. I suddenly felt I could breathe. I realised I would be free of him just as soon as I actually wanted to be. He really had no power over me. He never had. I just thought he had.

You deserve better than this. You're clearly intelligent and strong and your personality is shining through to all of us. You can do this. Not tomorrow of course, you need time. But you can do it. Remember, an abuser needs a victim but a victim sure as hell does not need their abuser. Without you, he is nothing. He controls nothing, owns nothing, dominates nothing. Without him, you are FREE AS A BIRD.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I do still have hobbies and interests within limits. He's a smart man and knows what has to be allowed in order for our relationship to function as it does. I'm not making excuses here, it's just the truth.

I would love to be able to do whatever I liked without asking for permission or negotiating 'time out'.

Where do I go though? I'd have to disappear and how do you do that? Thinking about it makes my heart race.

[Zaurak]

You wouldn't need to disappear. If you do you'll spend your life in fear.
You'd spend the next however many weeks putting your plans in order. Ring women's aid. Get a lawyer. Report the past violent behaviour to your health visitor and if you trust them, your GP. And the police. Get everything you need to leave - WA can help you do this.
Then, frankly, he leaves for work in the morning and you put yourself and the kids in a taxi and you leave. You notify the police on 101 of the fact that you have left your abusive husband and are at address X so that if you call from that address they will prioritise.
wA will help with the details.
Do NOT write him a letter. Be the perfect submissive wife until you are safely out.

[MrsHenryWinter]

But go where?!

[Zaurak]

womens aid can help you. A refuge if needs be.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

Yes, I imagine he will turn violent if I argue back like I used to or if I make any obvious attempt to leave

MrsH when asked about this before, you absolutely insisted that both you and the children were "safe"

But you're not, are you? He's attacked you before ("I lied to friends about a black eye and another injury") and now you're desperately trying to adapt your behaviour to avoid it happening again, even to the point of allowing that utterly hateful "don't answer back"

As everyone's said he's not going to change, so how do you see this moving forward?

[MrsHenryWinter]

I am safe in that I'm not going to piss him off anytime soon. He has never been violent during 'peace time'. It's been a long time since that has happened. As I've said, it's all very calm here day to day.

Moving forward I have to leave. I can pack and load the car etc in a few hours. I can get £3000 a day from the bank. I just don't have anywhere to go or any idea what I'd do when I got there. I guess that's what WA would help with.

[MrsHenryWinter]

Could he report the car stolen though? It's in his name. As is my phone.

[AstrantiaMallow]

The reason why posters are mentioning WA and a solicitor is because until you talk to them you don't know fully what your options are. It may be you don't have to go anywhere. Until they know the full details of your situation (finances, extent of the abuse etc) they can't help you or tell you what you can and cannot do, so you are left in limbo, panicking. For my sins, I'm probably quite docile and to a certain extent didn't really think of some consequences, but it helped me in that I trusted my solicitor and the people I talked to, and knocked on all the doors.

I suggested counselling because it helped me for the reasons stated in my earlier post, not for other reasons, not for analysing the marriage or the situation I was in. I know you said you did counselling, but it could be that you were addressing other issues.

You don't need to tell the people you see the full story to start with. If you have everything written down, then you can show them. It may be that your goal for the next weeks is to create a written record so you can show people. Eg: When he gave you a black eye. Who were the witnesses etc. Obviously something kept somewhere safe.

I completely understand the need to feel ready btw. I also actually didn't finish the book mentioned. I couldn't. But being horribly practical and focused on day to day helped me. I think being practical in small steps would help you and give you a sense of achievement and progress whereas reflecting too much on the current state of affairs might not. But everyone is different.

[MrsHenryWinter]

Thank you Astrantia, I'm sorry youvery been through this too.

Panic is exactly what I feel. I am fine as long as I don't think about what's happening. As soon as I do I get scared and panicked.