I'm not pregnant! An update thread.

[MrsHenryWinter]

This is an update for those of you that might be wondering. I'm not pregnant! I'm so relieved.

I know it was highly unlikely after the MAP and the coil but it's still a massive load off.

Thank you to everyone that has sent me messages after my last thread, it means a lot.

[Honeymoonmummy]

How are you getting on now MrsHenryWinter?

[NameChange30]

Yes but a refuge would be a temporary measure while the OP finds somewhere more permanent to live, whether that's a privately rented property, council/social housing, or a home that she owns (after the divorce and financial settlement go through she will probably be able to buy somewhere). However that's a big step to think about atm. One step at a time.

[Kenduskeag]

Women's Aid can talk to you about refuges, but with your access to money you could consider privately renting. Have a wee browse on Rightmove at flats and start to imagine them as yours. Council housing waiting list, as well. Your husband wouldn't even know where you lived. Complete freedom.

You owe no one an explanation. People will say 'why did you split?' and you can simply say 'That is between us'. If you get braver, maybe 'It was a very controlled environment'. There will be clichés - oh but he hasn't hit you in ages, oh but you should do what he says, oh but oh but - but hey, these people will die out eventually and their ancient misogynist views will die with them. You owe them nothing.

[Zaurak]

If you open your own account make absolutely sure it's paper free - you don't want anything being sent to the house.

[NCVanish]

OP, you're doing great. You've realised what is happening and now can plan to leave. I'm sure your friends realise more than you think, and even if not once you leave they will believe you 100% and will look back and see all the abuse and support you

[Florene]

Women's Aid can help you with practical solutions regarding the dogs - concern over pets has been identified as one of the issues that women don't leave abusive relationships, and so they have some solutions for women in your position so that this is one less thing to worry about.

I really hope you leave. I am a Police Officer and this is exactly what the new Coercive Control offence was brought in to deal with. If you need any help or advice please feel free to contact me

[hellsbellsmelons]

You need to plan.
If you feel safe and calm then you can take your time with your exit plan.
Definitely open your own bank account.
That is a massive first step.

I can't imagine how hard this is for you.
Baby steps and you'll get there.

[Homebird8]

If you do move a large amount of money, make it at the last moment. There is possibly a text service which might warn your H of unusual or unexpected activity in the account. You need to be out of the way when he becomes aware of it.

Good luck MrsHW, make your plans and take back your life.

[paddypants13]

Yes, do get in touch with The Dogs' Trust about fostering your dogs. It's called the Freedom Project. There's also a guide to erasing your search history if you need it.

I am sorry I cannot offer any useful advice but I am rooting for you.

[NameChange30]

Opening your own bank account would be a fantastic step.

Still rooting for you!

[CantAffordtoLive]

When you pay for your shopping by debit card get some 'cash back', it won't show up as that on the bank statements.

Good luck. So much good advice here. You will be much happier :)

[MrsHenryWinter]

Yes, I think the limit is £10000 a day.

I am someone who takes my time to plan and think things through. I like to plan for every eventuality when possible. I spend a lot of time in my head as there's no one else. This saved me as a child but has proved to be a hard habit to break.

[Lweji]

When you leave you could transfer a lot more than you can withdraw from the joint account to your own bank account, presumably.

[ElspethFlashman]

Well that would be a massive step. And there's no massive panic. We know you will not be running out the door tomorrow. You are evidently someone who has to do things in her own time.

So eventually you could have a nice little amount squirrelled away in just weekly 50s or even 20s.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I don't even have my own bank account anymore so I guess that's a good place to start.

I can't really take too much money without it being noticed. But I could take the odd £50 here and there and put it aside.

[DollyTwat]

I've been following your thread too, and so much sounds horribly familiar.

My ex (after we'd split up) would send me texts berating me for STILL not having changed. For years I took this as an insult. Then one day I woke up. No I won't and dont have to change. I like me, my friends like ME. I am now the person I was before I met him, but stronger.

The you that you were when you met him, is that happy person you can be again. There's NOTHING wrong with being that person. It's who you should be

[tiredvommachine]

[franklyidontgiveadamscarlet]

MrsHW I have been following your threads and just have to say you said upthread you have all the bank details. Your H is in finance so he may have investments you know nothing about. And now is the time to start taking money out of the bank and hiding it. Either in your own name or hiding it inside your home. Don't wait until you think things are at a stage where you become stressed and all hell breaks out. You really need to consider counseling now, even if you are telling your H that it is for your repressed childhood so that you may get out of the house without your children. Can you set up a babysitter now so you can nudge yourself into seeking out what everyone's advice is here. You are feeling the fear of your emotions and going inside yourself and over thinking about the what ifs. We all live 1 min at a time so take the advice that you feel you can move forward on today. Remember one step at a time. I was going to write something else but you took a chance on Mumsnet to ask not long ago about a choice that your H was making in regards to your health and you listened then to the woman who told you where to start with protection and making sure you didn't become pregnant. You did something then that empowered you and stopped another person trying to control your outcome in life. So if you can do that you can do more with your time. And write a list of your needs and make a start to leaving this horrid man. Remain positive to move forward. I also have to say you mention your H takes the children to visit his parents why does he leave you at home. That is freedom in itself. Take a chance to give yourself the freedom to have a life.

[EmmapausalBitch]

Mrs, Dogs Trust have volunteers who foster women's dogs when they leave abusive relationships. They will care for them in their home until you are in a position to have them back. You don't have to leave them behind.

All the best to you

[NameChange30]

OP, I think you've made very good progress already, and I have faith that you will feel ready to leave soon and you will be able to do it.

But if you don't feel ready to leave just yet, you can still call Women's Aid.

As PPs have said, one small step at a time. I like the idea of writing things down as you remember them, then you have something you can show professionals if you want/need to disclose the abuse and don't feel able to talk about it.

[chocolatemuppet]

Mrs when I went to relate with my (v similar!) relationship with my now-ex-H, they told me unequivocally that the children see our relationship as the blueprint to their own. I hate to say it - but even if they don't see '99%' of the negative, they will pick up on it. Mine did. Do you show each other any affection - any mutual respect? My DD in particular is a real nurturer - good in some ways, but I do worry that - like me - she always puts other people's feelings first, often to the detriment of her own. She shouldn't be doing that at 10, it hurts me that I may have contributed to that. We are waiting for a few relate sessions for her.

Sorry OP. Don't mean to scare-monger, and it may well not be true in your case. But it's worth bearing in mind.

[goddessofsmallthings]

If your phone comes with any kind of tracking device that can't be switched off, or can be accidentally switched on, buy a PAYG number as suggested upthread. Otherwise simply buy a sim card from another mobile phone provider.

Start collecting identifying documents such as passports, birth certs, bank statements etc and keep them in a safe place in case you need to leave in a hurry.

Sometimes it is a case of feel the fear and do it anyway. Many thousands of women who were where you are now have stepped off the ledge and landed in WA's capacious safety net and there's no reason why you shouldn't launch yourself to freedom too.

[goddessofsmallthings]

For the benefit of those who read but don't post, if you'd call the police when he was threatening to be, or was being, violent towards you, he would have been removed from your home and you could have sought occupation and non-molestation orders, to keep him out and keep him away from you.

In addition, as a victim of dv, you may have been eligible for legal aid in divorce and child arrangements proceedings.

If he should get wind of your plans or become violent, or you feel threatened by him in any way, I urge you to PLEASE please please call 999 and let the police remove him. If the dc are in the house at the time they attend, the police will make an automatic referral to SS - rest assured that you have nothing whatsoever to fear from this - and will hold a MARAC to determine the level of threat your h poses towards you.

As it is, all I can do is continue to encourage you to make contact with your local WA service and let them help you formulate a plan to leave safely when a suitable refuge placement becomes available for you and your dc.

Refuge placements are not time limited and the address will not be divulged by the police to anyone who enquires after your whereabouts, including your h who will simply be told you/the dc are safe should he report you missing.

With regard to your dogs, I suggest you post on The Doghouse board with a view to finding temporary foster placements for them. As a refuge placement will be some considerable distance from your current location, you may wish to wait until you have some idea of where you'll be placed so that you can drop the dogs off on the way and/or see them regularly during your stay,.

[Zaurak]

Not pathetic at all. These things seem huge when you've not done them for a while.
Break it down, deal with it bit by bit. Stay safe. I've heard of people having the police stand by while they gather things to move.
As a whole it seems overwhelming but each individual bit is doable.
Why not start with women's aid? They really know their stuff.
Be kind to yourself. This is the hard part. The better times will follow

[MrsHenryWinter]

Thank you all for your advice. There's a lot to plan that I hadn't even considered.

I have dogs too so I'd have to find somewhere for them to go. DH would sell them if I left them behind.