I'm not pregnant! An update thread.

[MrsHenryWinter]

This is an update for those of you that might be wondering. I'm not pregnant! I'm so relieved.

I know it was highly unlikely after the MAP and the coil but it's still a massive load off.

Thank you to everyone that has sent me messages after my last thread, it means a lot.

[Zaurak]

If I could swoop down and rescue you I would. I'm sure there are others on here that would too.
You need to be very very careful. On your best behaviour. And you need to take it at a pace you are comfortable with.
Real life support is essential. Can women's aid help?
And he will not like you leaving, let's be realistic. But he cannot stop you and the law is there to protect you and ensure fair division of assets. There are women on here who have left utter monsters. What you need is support. From agencies, the police, WA.

Strength and courage to you. please stay safe. Is he planning any trips away at all ?

You can be out of there while he's at work if you absolutely have to. As long as you and the children are safe, material things don't matter. Whatever you do give him no inkling at all.

[Zaurak]

And if at any point you think he's tracking you online you owe mn no updates at all. Your safety And the safety of the children is paramount.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I don't know what I want anymore. Well, I want this not to be happening!

When I started the last thread, I was seeing his behaviour as isolated incidents rather than a pattern of abuse. Now looking at our relationship from another perspective I can see how unhealthy and damaged it is.

I want to talk to him about all of this but I know that would be a very bad idea. He is very stressed at the moment and so I will keep my head down and carry on.

In the longer term things have to change. I cannot raise my children in a home where they see their father abuse their mother, in whatever form that takes. I do not know if that means leaving or making him change somehow.

[NameChange30]

I'm glad you're recognised his behaviour as abuse. Although I'm sorry that realisation is painful, it's the necessary first step to changing things and moving beyond the pain to a happier place.

I agree that talking to him about his behaviour is a bad idea. Unfortunately you can't change him. It's beyond that, certainly at this point. All you can do is save yourself and your DCs.

I agree with the PPs who said you need support. Definitely contact Women's Aid if you haven't already.

Are you still registered with the GP who's friends with your husband? Is there any way you could change your regular doctor so you see someone else at the same surgery? If your GP is neutral they would be a good person to talk to as well.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You cannot make someone change.
That's impossible.
They will change if they want to.
Why would he want to?
He has everything he wants right now.
The only way I can see him changing is you leaving him giving him kick up the arse.
But.... and it's a very big BUT..
This man is abusive.
Really really abusive.
They cannot change while they are still around their 'victim'
It can take months and years.
And it only actually works for around 30% of abusers.
Most will continue. Some will find and have learnt other ways to abuse.
This man will never change. Sorry but he won't.
It's too ingrained in him.
He won't want to do any of the things required to make the changed so you have your answer.

[goddessofsmallthings]

You can't "make" anyone change their ways against their will.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here //www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and make contact with a view to meeting face to face with a da worker who'll help you to establish your options.

Please be aware that joint counselling is not recommended in cases where one spouse is abusive towards the other.

Try to make that "longer term" shorter as your dc are being adversely affected by your toxic relationship with their father and if you don't act soon history will be repeated in their adult relationships.

[Zaurak]

He won't change.
he's already shown you this because he made you change so you are compliant to his will. By hoping he will change you're removing your own agency - he cannot change but you CAN get out of the situation

If you raise this with him you are putting yourself in danger. Do not do it. Men like this are violent when they think their possessions are slipping away. You've been conditioned to think that if you just behave a certain way everything will be better.

It's very disturbing when you finally realise you are in an abusive situation. Please look after yourself, call women's aid and work towards getting yourself and your kids out of there.

I wish I could help you.

You need real life, professional support. womems aid are fabulous.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I hear what you are saying.

It feels strange not to give him a chance though. As far as he's concerned everything is fine and dandy and then I leave out of the blue.

I've said this before but I don't think the general atmosphere of the house is toxic. We don't argue but I'm not some cowering, beaten woman and he's not a domineering monster. We look like partners who work well together. This morning he did talk down to me in front of the children but this is very rare. Normally he saves his frustrations for the evening when the children are in bed.

I know this isn't a 'good' thing but the DC don't see 99% of what goes on.

[SimplyNigella]

I heard a very wise piece of advice recently which I think it is relevant to your situation. Leaving a bad relationship doesn't mean that something good is going to happen but it does mean that something terrible is going to stop.

[TheLittleRedHen]

Can you please have a look at your posts and hear yourself defending him.

He's a shit. Just say it and see him for who he is rather than making excuses and defending the awful way that he treats you.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I don't feel ready to talk to Women's Aid yet.

I'm not someone that talks easily about personal issues. This has been the way since childhood. I had to stop therapy in the past because I was unable to talk.

I will try and work up to it.

[sadie9]

If he talks down to you in front of the children, why don't you bring it up there are then, and say 'You are raising your voice now, I'd prefer if you spoke to me in a civil tone' or something like that? or say 'it sounds like you are very cross with me and are giving out to me? Is that what you mean to sound like'?
So refer to the tone of voice, way of saying it, postures etc. rather than the content of what he is saying. And see how he takes it.
It is good to stand up for yourself in front of your children. To show them that you require to be spoken to in a respectful manner no matter who is speaking to you.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I've done that in the past, it didn't end well. This way it was a passing comment and the DC would hardly have noticed.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. More for me I guess. I'm trying to show that I'm doing my best for my children.

How I behave now is very different to how I behaved before I had them. As DH says all the fucking time, if I submit then there are no arguments. As I said on the last thread I actually have the final say on most decisions and plans, simply because he does not care about them. But the children don't know that.

[goddessofsmallthings]

If you want to make a rod for your own back by not disclosing your h's abuse to a da worker that's entirely up to you, but please don't delude yourself that this in any way shows that you're "doing your best" for your dc who, contrary to what you may believe, are absorbing the tensions in your marriage by osmosis.

Children are like little sponges and I'm reminded of my dgm saying that 'little pigs have big ears'. Ime nothing gets past astute children and many here can relate tales of how they stayed awake listening to heated debates conversations while the adults concerned were unaware they were being eavesdropped by their dc.

The proof of this particular pudding will be demonstrated by the way your dc will thrive after you've found the courage to break free of the tyrant's your h's abuse.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Op, abuse is rarely as straightforward as some pantomime villain and his cowering victim. It's real life,not Punch and Judy. But as PPs have said, it is definitely abuse - utterly chilling - and your children WILL pick up on it. They absolutely will.

Don't wait for him to admit he's an abuser. Abusers never think they are abusive. It's always someone else's fault. They are the good guys, being provoked or not treated with enough respect, or suffering their own backgrounds, whatever bullshit maintains their self perception.

And don't imagine that you are in this situation because you are weak. Abuse victims are rarely weak. In fact, abusive men frequently target strong, promising women. They get a kick out of it.

I am not surprised you're feeling shit as you realise what he really is. Let that morph into anger. How dare he attempt to get you pregnant against your will. How dare he tell you not to answer back as if you're a child. How dare he rebuke you for using a bathroom. Find your anger. Channel and control it. And then get out of there. I absolutely promise that once this poisonous snake is out of your life,you will amaze yourself at how easily you get by without him,pleasing yourself, doing your MA, enjoying your book club, possessing your own body. The greatest feeling on earth is the end of a bad one. And you will also be amazed at how weak he turns out to be. He's a bully and bullies are always cowards.

[Haworthiia]

I assure you, 100% with the benefit of personal experience, that the children will notice it.

To a small child the primary carer IS survival. Milk, comfort - this is why separation anxiety exists- if a parent leaves the offspring for too long they will die.

A child who sees the primary carer hurt, verbally or emotionally or physically experiences acute and chronic stress. To the child it's a direct threat to their own survival

I assure you, they notice. The things that stuck with me were not the infrequent physical violence but the constant uneasy atmosphere

[ElspethFlashman]

He wants a surrendered wife. He has managed slowly to mould you into one. He even gets to have sex every night regardless of how he has talked down to you during the day.

He is living the dream. Why on earth would he change a thing? No seriously....why? Is there any motivation that would actually work? You know him better than us.

[ElspethFlashman]

See that's the bit that rather upsets me. That he can snap "don't answer back!" to you and you've spent the day upset, and he can still get rewarded with getting his leg over because of the atmosphere of He Who Must Not Be Defied he has created around himself.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Normally he saves his frustrations for the evening when the children are in bed
Well what a gem he is then.
Bless his cotton socks!!!

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

OK so you want to give him a chance.

How about you start behaving like a normal person, like the old you, not the downtrodden surrendered wife you?

That's what you want, right? To be you again?

Is that impossible because he will escalate and hurt you? Is it impossible because he will kick off in front of the children?

Impossible only if you live with him. Easy if you don't.

I say go back to being yourself as soon as humanly possible. Only you can decide if you want to try out being yourself while living with him first or not.

My cousins learned what a man's position is in relation to women by seeing their parents interact. They never argued in front of the children. Sounds like you and your DH. The children learned that men are in charge and women are OK with that. Their mum was a strong independent woman in every other way. So they grew up thinking that was the right way for the man and woman to behave. Their future relationships have not gone well at all. Not at all.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can see how that has happened Runrabbit and gives me something to think about.

I do try occasionally to be myself and DH asks if I'm trying to wind him up. That's not 100% fair as I am 'me' lots of the time but a lot less when he's around or we are alone together.

I think that if I leave without trying to fix things he will make me look crazy.

[ShebaShimmyShake]

Let him make you look crazy. He won't be around poisoning you so who cares what he thinks?

The minute you tell people that he tried to force you into pregnancy and ordered you not to answer back, they'll see who he really is. Did we here at MN think you were the crazy one?

And anyone who hears that and still can't see the problem is a toxic toad you want far away from you.

[SandyY2K]

He can try and make you look crazy, but you have enough examples of his behaviour to show otherwise.

It's not unusual for one spouse to decide enough is enough and it must end. How can you fix this if you're scared to speak to him about how you feel because he'll kick off?

You could try writing him a letter outlining how you feel and the changes you want in order to be happy in the marriage. Although I think you should leave him, but he then has a clear point of reference and can see how his actions make you feel.

Outside of that he doesn't want any of the work involved in childcare

^^but he wanted you saddled with a baby for the next few years. Very sad.

[PhoenixReisling]

The more you write the more chilling it sounds...

You cannot change him, because he will not want to....because as far as he sees it you are the problem, because you are wayward child, you cannot see the bigger picture, you just have to do what he wants.

[PhoenixReisling]

I wouldn't write a letter to him.

He will just use it as a point to beat you with and to manipulate you.

Personally, if he wanted to imply that you were crazy...let him! You know the truth and your friends will know the truth.

I know you said you were not ready to talk to WA. But you have started to talk about it here, which is a start.

You sound like a very intelligent women and it must be difficult to separate his abuse and some of the nice times you have had. Please remember, that this is what abusers do, reel you in when they are nice/supportive/loving/kind.

At the end of the day, in a functional caring relationship you don't experience any of what you have described he has done or is doing.