I'm not pregnant! An update thread.

[MrsHenryWinter]

This is an update for those of you that might be wondering. I'm not pregnant! I'm so relieved.

I know it was highly unlikely after the MAP and the coil but it's still a massive load off.

Thank you to everyone that has sent me messages after my last thread, it means a lot.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

So you sort yourself out with back up childcare - so you're not dependent on him coming home in time. Or will there be further consequences of you pushing back and not giving in to his games?

[AlwaysNC]

You wouldn't have to worry about affording child care, as others have said you will get plenty of maintainence.
Just asking, when you talk about not having the children much, are you referring to them going to boarding school?

[MrsHenryWinter]

It all sounds very stark when written down in isolation but his behaviour is far more covert. I bet none of you would suspect him in a million years.

I don't even know if I do yet.

[Lweji]

he won't force me to leave, just moan and criticise. He could also just not come home so I can't leave.

You do realise that if he goes home late every single time you have book club he is forcing you to leave?

I don't know if I wouldn't spot him. My abuser senses tend to be on alert these days.
Do you excuse him to your friends?

[MrsHenryWinter]

I don't have to. If I decline an invitation I always say it's my fault, never his. He let's me do things enough so nit doesn't look suspicious.

[Merd]

Its difficult isn't it? I assumed it was all totally normal growing up MrsH and she isolated my dad so much I don't think anyone else got a proper look in to give him any advice even if they did notice things were odd. He still doesn't have any friends, she gets too jealous and stops him going to clubs by getting sick or not getting home in time to take care of their pets. Again there's stuff I've only "realised" isn't normal since writing it down. I'm beginning to question a lot of stuff really.

If it helps, these days I possibly maybe would spot it - but only because I'm a distrustful cynical sort with too much experience. Couldn't promise of course, because you're right; these people are born charmers. My mum was absolutely queen of the parish, at the centre of every bake sale and charity event, every school fundraiser etc, involved in everything and Always Good In Public.

I often wondered why people couldn't see through it. But then maybe some did and were just far too polite to voice it. Maybe that's the same for you. It can be hard to know what to do in those circumstances - how can people say "is xxxx hurting you" when there are no bruises and you're not close?

I wouldn't be surprised if some more perceptive sorts around you know more then they're letting on - but you're damn right in that he's probably got most people fooled and you'll never quite convince them. Not that that's reason to stay of course, but it does add a mental dimension of difficulty to leaving.

[Lweji]

So, you do excuse him to friends? You take responsibility over something it was actually his.

[NameChange30]

"It all sounds very stark when written down in isolation but his behaviour is far more covert. I bet none of you would suspect him in a million years.

I don't even know if I do yet."

Well, you've told us how he treats you, and we don't just suspect, we're sure that he's abusive.

Your friends don't suspect because they have no idea what's going on - you hide the truth from them. If you started to open up, you might be surprised by what they say - the subtle signs they had wondered about.

And I think the reason you're not sure is because you're living it. He's conditioned you to believe it's all normal, when it's anything but. Accepting the idea that he's abusive has big implications, so I understand that it's taking you some time.

[Skiptonlass]

You might be surprised what people think. I've known a few colleagues and friends where everyone seems charmed by the husband and I've thought 'I don't like this guy.' I've not been wrong yet - one wife was hospitalised with a ruptured kidney after her 'perfect' husband gave her a beating.
Whatever you decide to do, don't let other people's opinions hold you back. Or money. You might be pleasantly surprised how much you'd end up with.

If you do leave, give him no inkling at all. He sounds utterly terrifying. Get your ducks in a row and present him with a fait accompli.

Your thread has really affected me - I genuinely wish you all the best. I've been thinking of you. Take care

[MrsHenryWinter]

Good morning.

I don't really have any update regarding leaving but I just wanted to note something down on the thread.

This morning DH carried our youngest DC downstairs as I was in the bathroom. I followed about 5 minutes later. He was angry with me about this, saying it's not his job to look after the children before work. Fair enough, he is in a rush and it's very early in the morning.

What has upset me though is that when I went to say something, DH said "Don't answer back!". He carried on getting ready and then came for his usual kiss goodbye.

It's such a small thing in the grand scheme of our relationship but it's really upset me. It's not like he hasn't said it before

Reading Lundy Bancroft has made me feel much worse then I did before. I almost wish I hadn't bothered.

I don't expect any replies, just using this as a record.

[passportmess]

You were using the bathroom OP so it's entirely reasonable that the other parent should take over. There doesn't seem to be much give and take here especially when you are instructed not to answer back. You are not child.

[hellsbellsmelons]

If my OH said 'don't answer me back' believe me, he would be getting the answer back with both barrels.
He wouldn't say it though but that's not the point.
This is so so wrong on so many levels it is just horrible to read.
Keep reading Lundy Bancroft.
It will help eventually!

[MrsHenryWinter]

I've finished the book. I just feel crap about everything now.

I didn't want to start an argument so I just carried on as normal. He does treat me like a wayward child.

[TheLittleRedHen]

It sounds like the Fog is well and truly lifting for you, and that's positive. Just concentrate on making small steps towards your freedom - imagine how wonderful life would be with only yourself to answer to, nobody to ask permission if you can go to a group, for a coffee, anything!

[MillyMushroom]

You are now facing up to reality. I really hope you leave this horrible man soon for your dc's sakes. I'm very sorry, but you are both very poor role models for them, him a dominating abuser and you subservient

[kerbys]

How does a man think he can say that to his wife? And then kiss her.

So he's said it before, but only now you are questioning it. That's progress in my book.

[CharlotteCollins]

You were very wise not to start an argument. Keep behaving as you always have... Keep your thoughts secret from him.

I'm sorry the book has left you feeling bad. It's waking up to the truth. It has to get worse before it can get better. But better that than sleepwalking into danger.

KOKO.

[Merd]

Can you talk to a counsellor IRL? (Or women's aid, have you talked to them at all?)

It's going to feel worse before you feel "better" I suspect. You've numbed yourself for years

[ElspethFlashman]

I'm sorry you're feeling shit.

It's horrible when the scales start to fall. The worst part, I think. Cos you're still stuck where you are but everything feels so raw.

Keep using this as a record. And maybe think about some private counselling whilst he is at work as I know you have access to cash. Though I can't remember what childcare you have if any so I appreciate if you have none it would be impossible.

[ElspethFlashman]

It is also quite bad to say that to you in front of the kids of course, as sooner or later they will understand that Mummy isn't to answer back.

[PhoenixReisling]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling worse after reading it. I agree with PP, it is because the FOG is falling away and you are seeing his behaviour for what it is.

[FoggyBottom]

Oh MrsH

[Zaurak]

He won't even carry a child downstairs because that's what you are for. Your function as an object is to do this. The fact he is their parent too is not relevant to him how sad.

I wonder how he'd cope if he had them on a standard contact schedule (every other weekend and a day or two in the week.)

You are very wise to carry on as normal and not give him any suspicion. I agree with elspbeth that this may be the hardest part. The anticipation of an action is often worse than the point you start to put it in motion.

I wouldn't worry about the financial side - if he's in finance in the city and you divorce you are still going to be able to put food on the table.

Please be careful, stay safe and give him no cause to suspect.

[MrsHenryWinter]

He is very good with them when he looks after them but this has to be agreed upon beforehand. He will have them every weekend morning and does take them away to see his parents.

Outside of that he doesn't want any of the work involved in childcare.

I know that I could cope financially if I left but there's no way he's just going to let me walk out of here.

I just feel so sad that after years of arguing (sometimes violently) the peace we have reached is all a lie. It's because he's finally happy with my level of obedience and not because we get on any better. This realisation has made me more afraid than I have been in ages.

[ElspethFlashman]

What do you want?

I ask because on the last thread you just wanted not to be pregnant, really. But you seemed to like him, and were in no way thinking of leaving.

Has your perception of your future changed?

I think before you freak yourself out with the big huge enormity of things, resettle yourself by asking small questions first.

Do I love him?
Do I LIKE him?
Is he my best mate in all the world?
How does he see me?
If I asked him to change in any way, what would his reaction be?
How would that reaction make me feel?
What elements in my life would make me feel lighthearted and powerful again?
How can they happen?
How would he like me to change to make him happier?
Are those changes I could coutenance or not?