I'm not pregnant! An update thread.

[MrsHenryWinter]

This is an update for those of you that might be wondering. I'm not pregnant! I'm so relieved.

I know it was highly unlikely after the MAP and the coil but it's still a massive load off.

Thank you to everyone that has sent me messages after my last thread, it means a lot.

[GinAndSonic]

If / when you do leave, make sure you do empty the joint accounts before you tell him. I'm so pleased you aren't pregnant. I hope you find the strength to leave (I'm almost 3 years out of an abusive marriage and despite the hardships, myself and the dc are now much happier)

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

When does the MA application paperwork have to be in?

[MrsHenryWinter]

The MA doesn't start until 2017 so I have time yet. Although DH says that we need to talk about what I'll do when I don't have the children as much. Apparently he's been thinking about it a lot

I've started reading 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It's certainly giving me pause for thought.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Can you start the MA sooner?

[MrsHenryWinter]

Not really. My youngest is still at home and is very clingy. I wouldn't be able to focus enough on the work with so little spare time.

[NameChange30]

Glad you're reading the book OP. Keep reading and thinking x

[Merd]

I'm reading that too (am trying to work through some issues with my parents not spouse though) and it's an eye-opener isn't it? Hope that it helps you process things thoroughly.

Over the years I've always said my mum can't help being the way she is, and DH has always pointed out she can help it with other people. He's always thought she was a bit more conscious of her activities than she lets on. The book's making me question that a bit now too.

Also this is probably a really obvious obvious thing, but hope he can't find your copy and it's hidden safely away?

[MrsHenryWinter]

It's upsetting isn't it Merd

Some parts have left me shaking as I recognise certain behaviour.

I'm reading it on my kindle and DH won't ask what I'm reading. As I said on the last thread, he isn't interested in what I read. In fact he told me the other day that he didn't want me to talk about my book group anymore as it was of no interest to him. I'm pretty sure he wants me to leave it.

[NameChange30]

He's so nasty, he doesn't even want you to talk about things that interest you
Please don't stop going to your book group x

[Lweji]

I was thinking that you must bow be on or entering your fertile period again. What has his behaviour like? I'd keep an eye for possible sabotage attempts, even if you are not worried about a pregnancy now.

I'm sure he has a few solutions regarding your MA, and it will be useful to try to antecipate them and neutralised.
For example, there is another thread where the OP's partner keeps getting new job constraints that have kept her at home or with limited career options. What will you do if he suddenly needs to work late more often or travel?

[Lweji]

Now! Not bow. :)

[MrsHenryWinter]

I always knew that his career would come first. He's a man, he works in finance, he went to private school and the sad fact is that he has much higher earning potential than I do. I agreed to support him so he could focus on work.

If he works long hours then that's what happens. I know he won't value my MA as much as I do his career. He can and does work away sometimes but he tends to take us with him if possible.

[Lweji]

My point was to see if he suddenly ups the trips and the long hours coinciding with your MA.

[Lweji]

And don't sell yourself short.
Your earning potential may be lower, but you should value yourself too, and should have your own career if you want to.

[MrsHenryWinter]

Sorry, I was unclear in my last post.

That would be his attitude no matter what I do. His job will always come first and whatever he agrees to this will always be the foundation. If I have plans in the week then it's totally at his whim if I go. I often cancel things last minute because he's home too late for me to go. This isn't seen as unusual where I live because so many of the men work in the City.

I could have a good enough career but I couldn't afford childcare while I was climbing the ladder again.

[Lweji]

I could have a good enough career but I couldn't afford childcare while I was climbing the ladder again.

You, personally, couldn't. But I expect the family income would be enough for child care. Assuming the woman is financially responsible for childcare is abusive in itself.

[MrsHenryWinter]

I know

He will argue that I agreed to this so I can't change my mind. I know this is ridiculous but he has a way of making me sound completely unhinged. I see that this is a very common tactic from reading wdhdot.

I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own either.

[Lweji]

You do have to remember (and check) that upon divorce, he would have to provide child maintenance, as well as spousal maintenance, particularly as you have taken a career break to take care of the children and support his career. Look it up.
Alternatively, you could end up with a high percentage of the family assets (house, savings, pension) instead of spousal maintenance.
You could also get a deal to continue living in the marital home until the children are old enough, and for him to contribute towards the mortgage.

If you do the maths, you may well find out that you can afford going alone. You could look it up yourself or ask a solicitor to give you a realistic estimate.

Finally, remember that the state does help. You can get from childcare vouchers, to working tax credits, child benefit, etc, if your income is not enough.

Don't think you are stuck or that you have to suck it up.

[Lweji]

And we can always change our minds. :)

I'm sure he changes his quite often. Eg. the number of children.

[FoggyBottom]

I usually resent paying my taxes to support families that fathers won't support. But in your case Mrs H., I'd pay double to have you free!

[Merd]

Yes, it's scary stuff MrsH.

It's brought back more memories I'd completely forgotten about my childhood with a very controlling mum. Stuff I literally wiped out. Including all the "colluding" jokes against the partner. Jesus, no wonder my dad tried to kill himself eventually.

I seem to be having a good month for digging into the past and whinging all over Mumsnet at the moment, but one reason I'm saying this here (with a genuine wince as I write it, because I imagine it's on your mind already and it's horrible to have someone writing it too) ... is that your little ones are not going to escape untouched from this either.

Whatever happens and however you proceed, it might be worth thinking about talking to their school or getting them counselling or something? I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you though - again from me.

[PenguindreamsofDraco]

So if he does want you/ask you to leave the book club, what then happens?

Would you be able to assert a little bit of autonomy or would there be 'consequences'?

[Zaurak]

How old are you? For when he starts wondering why you're not pregnant, you need to have a plan in place. You can look concerned and head to google. Shake head sadly and muse on the dropping odds after X years of age. If he persists, you can go to the docs ( alone) and pretend to have some basic workups. That should see you ok for a while. It is pretty common to have a longer time to conceive as you hit your later 30s so you should be able to do this.

[PhoenixReisling]

Would he insist on going to the DR's with you?

[MrsHenryWinter]

I won't be leaving the book club and he won't force me to leave, just moan and criticise. He could also just not come home so I can't leave.

He only pushes me so far and he knows I need some mental stimulation.

I'm in my 30s so fertility could be lessening. I'm just hoping it was a 'blip' and that it won't be a continuing issue.