DP beat up my DF..struggling to deal with it.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

This happened a few years ago now but it's just today popped into my head and is extremely upsetting. I don't deserve it because i'm a coward but please be gentle and sensitive.

It was over an argument about money, i didn't see it as i was told to go to the car, then a few minutes later dp came out covered in blood and told me to drive. I was obviously extremely distressed but to my utter shame i didn't go in to see my dad. I can't remember what happened afterwards but for some reason i didn't split with him, if i did he wormed his way back.

I know from what i've been told that DP punched my dad multiple times when he was standing and df sitting who didn't fight back. Police were called but he dropped charges (religious reasons and aspergers if that's relevant)

It sounds like i'm a disgusting person but i love my dad so much. Even after that he has still supported me and always been there if i needed him and now i'm wracked with guilt and don't know what to do.

[maisiejones]

I was married to a man who was both physically and emotionally abusive for six years. I stayed because I was too scared to leave. The night he punched my seventy year old father in the face was the night I called the police, left and never returned. The sight of my dad with blood pouring down his face suddenly removed all my fear and I got between them so he couldn't hit him again. I really don't understand how you can still bear to live with him.

[Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost]

Well before you "just nip in". How about thinking before you post.
It wasn't op who beat her father up. It was the brute she is with.

[MsMims]

Shame on you nipping

OP, I hope you are able to make moves to leave this man. It's never too late to start a better life for you and your children.

[GarlicShake]

I messaged [Dad] tonight asking if things would be ok if i were to split (payment arrangements and things) but also to broach it and he said it would be fine he could help to support me whilst i claimed for relevent benefits etc so i think i'm going to do it

I messaged my aunt for advice and she said she's not surprised because she's seen me get stronger over the past few years.

OMG, Sordid, this is making me so happy for you! Please, please take strength from your aunt. Let your dad help you as far as he's able 💛

Your children will be confused - and upset for a while, maybe not straight away. First and foremost, they love their Mum and need to know she's safe & content. Even very young children pick up on tensions in their parents' relationship. They aren't equipped to understand what's going on, but they have an innate sense of fairness. Above all they need to know that you're being well treated, and that you're treating them fairly :)

I hope your aunt and dad come through. You CAN do it. Gather good people round you, lovely. You and your children deserve to live without violence of any sort.

[GarlicShake]

Nice post, Rosie From a committed atheist, that's high praise

[sassandfaff]

Wow. MN has changed so much.

It's like reading the revolting comments on fb. I keep waiting for the 'just sayin' post at the end.

I take it op, by that fact that you had to actually ask your father whether it is OK to leave, that you have been brought up to believe that marriage is for life?

I think you were in shock and I would ignore anyone who suggests that you are as culpable as your dh.

I hope you can find some practical help and that your self esteem grows enough to propel you through a split.

Please remember you are a human being, and we are all fallible. No, you didn't react in a way that most people would, but that doesn't mean that you don't love him, or are equally as responsible.

I love my mum more than I think any other daughter in the world loves theirs. She still let me down, when choosing to dilute the situation with an abusive asshole of a partner, instead of sticking up for me.

Do I blame her? No.

Abusive relationships by their very nature make you unable sometimes to see the wood from the trees.

I'd love to say I would always do the right thing, pick the right choice, stand up and be counted etc. But somewhere along the way, I lost my self righteous indignation and replaced it with realism and compassion.

I miss the compassion on here.

[sassandfaff]

There

[DorynownotFloundering]

Can we all back off from the victim blaming please? If you want to call troll then report. But the OP is struggling, as many DA victims do, with the lack of self belief, self worth etc that comes from living with such an abusive brute. You don't know which end is up, you view of life becomes distorted.
OP - as previously said both your Dad & aunt sound like they would support you. Get them to come & get you ( warn the police if you think he'll kick off ) throw a few things together & leave.
You are worth so much more than this !

[DorynownotFloundering]

xpost sassa

[MySordidCakeSecret]

thank you for your post amy but i'm not a cd myself just members of my family.

I don't remember posting about it before, as i said my memory is very hazy.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

Thank you everyone, i'm going to tell him when he gets home from work. No dicussion i'm just going to tell him that it's final and i don't want to hear his excuses.

My aunt has offered for me to stay with her next week and it's half term so i'll take up her offer and try to enjoy the week with my kids. I know that if i can get past the first week or two on my own then that's the hardest part but i'll be able to do it.

[Pagwatch]

It's brilliant that your father and your aunt are offering support. I hope you take them up on it.

[bobthebuddha]

Good luck OP

[sassandfaff]

Good luck op.

Be safe. I hope he doesn't turn nasty. If that's a possibility, can your aunt be there when you tell him? Or perhaps outside in the car, if that might antagonise him?

[KatherineMumsnet]

No more troll-hunting, please. Always, always mail in to us, rather than airing doubts on the thread.

[NeverbuytheDailyMail]

How are you feeling today Sordid? I hope that you are safe.

[IrianOfW]

Good luck sordid.

[ratspeaker]

I think you should seek legal advice re the house and your share in it.

For today collect up things like passports, birth certificates, bank statements. Also any photos and things you value.
Get clothes packed for you and the kids.
You dont need to wait until he comes home. You can leave when you want.

If you feel like you need permission to leave now, we give it. Go.

[Pseudo341]

That's great OP. Get together any important documents and bank cards and get out. You're so close now, you can do this.

[MySordidCakeSecret]

I'm doing ok, I'm a bit muddled, i totally forgot breakfast this morning befor ei went food shopping which i never ever miss but i am a ball of nervous energy.

I keep feeling a bit teary and like the world is crashing in on me, but i just tell myself it's no big deal, i don't need him.

I've got it all planned and have put things in place so i can't go back on it.

[GabsAlot]

good luck i would leave before he gets back if u think he will try and stop you-u dont need to be hnourable now its time to just go

[hellsbellsmelons]

So glad to see you are getting away from this awful vile man.

Your kids will be initially upset.
That's a given.
But.... you will soon see them come out of shells and flourish away for their abusive father.

Well done - keep strong and keep going!

[MySordidCakeSecret]

I've done it guys, thank you for your words i've re-read the post a few times now for strength. Just got to get through the inital week or two and it'll get easier.