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Relationships

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Original poster

So DP finally confirmed what I've known for a while now.....and am quite sad!

84 replies

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 20:47

Had a long chat with DP the other night about wanting to set out some plans for this year. New babies, holidays, new homes, marriage etc etc. We've been together 7.5 years and have a ds of 2 but the last year or so just seemed to have slid by with very little event and I wanted to change that. Everything was fine except the marriage bit. He always said he wanted to do it and it was just a matter of timing. He's finally admitted that he doesn't want to get married and that it's not personal but he just doesn't see the point of it all. If he did it, he'd jsut be doing it for me and our families. Now I wouldn't want him to marry me just for that reason and I'm glad he's finally being honest but I can't help feeling a bit disappointed that he doesn't feel that same burst of romanticness and commitment for me re the marriage thing that I feel for him. I also now feel a bit uncertain about the boring legal security bit. Plus there's the whole different name from my kids bit which is something I had to put up with when I was little. I don't know, I just always pictured us as a mr and mrs and staring into each others eyes saying I do. I never wanted a big wedding there's just something about committing to someone for the rest of your life in that legal fashion that says something to me and although I'd realised over the past few years it wasn't going to happen I guess I'd always hoped deep down a little more than I thought. Just a bit sad that's all

OP posts:

Fireflyfairy2 · 14/01/2007 20:52

Can you change your surname by deed poll? My friend did this as she has 3 children with her partner & they all have their fathers surname. Now they all have the same name but they didn't have to marry suited them as she doesn't want to get married!

compo · 14/01/2007 20:54

There is nothing to say your children can't have your surname rather than his...

Katymac · 14/01/2007 20:54

& make him write a will

Original poster

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 20:55

Didn't think about that - I'll have to look into it. Thing is from a practical point of view I also worry about if anything happened to him what the ramifications would be etc not being married so I've said to him we need to sit down and formalise our legal arrangements for all outcomes however morbid that might be as I have ds and any other children we have to consider.

OP posts:

100PerCentCod · 14/01/2007 20:55

Hmm ith ink tis odd that he doesnt.

Original poster

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 20:57

So do I cod and I've pushed that with him but he's insistent that its nothing to do with how he feels. Can't help wondering though.....

OP posts:

100PerCentCod · 14/01/2007 20:57

id felel odd
are you not tempted to call his bluff over it.

100PerCentCod · 14/01/2007 20:58

i think id be formalising my route out of there tbh.
its REALLY odd

he IS married
wy nto get the paperworka nd call it somehtign elese
a civil agreement is the same thing

iota · 14/01/2007 21:00

have you read this thread by Yorkiegirl

Carmenere · 14/01/2007 21:01

My dp doesn't want to get married but he knows that it is non-negotiable for me and if he wants me to stick around, he will be marrying me at some stage in the not too distant future. It is non-negotiable as far as I am concerned. And if he doesn't want to marry me someone else will(he knows this btw)

Miaou · 14/01/2007 21:04

You only have to look at the hoo-ha Yorkiegirl went through when her dh died - and she was married. It has much bigger implications than people realise. For example, you are not each other's next of kin and would have no right to take decisions such as turning off life-support etc (God forbid you would ever need to, but YKWIM!)

I would want to sit him down and find out exactly what the problem is - you could phrase it in ways such as "would you be prepared to get married if we just went to a registry office with a couple of witnesses - ie no fuss whatsoever?" - is it the wedding he doesn't want, or is it marriage?

Original poster

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 21:05

See that's what I don't get as when we've discussed it in the past when our friends have done it, we've always agreed in the hypothetical that we'd do a civil service and I've never given the impression I've wanted some all singing all dancing wedding party either. I've just wanted me and him to formalise our committment and make it 'official' which probably sounds a bit naff but that's how it always seemed to me it was sposed to be. I've thought about doing a bit of a 'well I want to get married or there's no point in it all' but I don't think it would really make him do anything else so I'd just end up on my own and that's not what I want. Sigh at least I don't think so. I know....I'm being an undeciding wuss.

OP posts:

Carmenere · 14/01/2007 21:06

If you really think that he would leave you over this then that is a real problem.

100PerCentCod · 14/01/2007 21:07

so do you want a marriage that much or not?
are you settling ofr second best and an unhappy compromise as you are?

s o its eihter unhappy WIht him or unhappy wih the potential fo BEing happy wihtout him /with someone else.

100PerCentCod · 14/01/2007 21:08

If he loved you
he wodul
end of. imfo

marymillington · 14/01/2007 21:10

I took me a long time to come round to getting married. I didn't like the idea of our relationship becoming an "institution", I certainly didn't feel any burst of romanticness about it, found the whole notion of the legal commitment very weird and the idea of a wedding very stressful. However, my OH really wanted to do it, I was touched my his uncharacteristic romanticness, saw the practical side, and - well we did it 18 months ago. And its good, but I would have been equally happy not to have done it.

I just wanted say that I can understand why you would be disappointed but not being keen on getting married doesn't necessarily mean there is any less love or any less commitment. You can deal with the legalities in other ways.

Carmenere · 14/01/2007 21:13

Imo this is one of the big serious issues that unless a couple agrees on them finish relationships. Like having children, a couple stands very little chance of long term happiness if one doesn't want kids. Same with getting married I'm afraid.

Original poster

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 21:20

I don't think that he'd leave me. I mean if I said we get married or I leave, then I can't say 100% that he'd say ok then and that would leave me with having to leave him otherwise there's be no point. If that makes sense??
To be honest, I only ever considered getting married once I'd met him (cheesy I know!!). I'd always been very stand offish with the whole marriage thing cause of my mums experiences and then I met dp and felt totally different. I feel like I only want the marriage thing with him.

I think I need to discuss this with him some more.

OP posts:

wakeupandsmellthecoffee · 14/01/2007 21:54

If your good enough to live with ,then you are good anough to marry .

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 14/01/2007 21:58

I agree with cod and carmenere. If my dh hadn?t wanted to marry me I think it would have ultimately ended our relationship, because I would want someone to say that they wanted to stay with me for ever, and by not getting married your dp isn?t prepared to say that imho.

I can see why someone might just be not bothered about getting married, i.e. doesn?t matter to them whether they do/don?t, but to explicitly say they don?t want to marry the person they claim to love shows serious lack of commitment I think. And that would worry me.

I?m afraid I agree with cod, if he loved you, he would want to marry you, even if he specifically wasn?t bothered about marriage, he would want to do it because it was what you wanted, so if he doesn?t want it, then I would start to question your future.

NotAnOtter · 14/01/2007 22:00

i dont think its odd
dp and i are not married and now i dont want to ...i have taken his name
love is no less because 'the state' does not recognise it
dont fret

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 14/01/2007 22:02

but notanotter if your dp wanted to get married would you say no? and if so why?

Pruni · 14/01/2007 22:05

Message withdrawn

NotAnOtter · 14/01/2007 22:05

i like it how it is -i like not being married,,,i dont want to be mrs....he has askrd me many times

Carmenere · 14/01/2007 22:05

NAO it is totaly and completely fine imo when two parts of a couple agree not to get married. But for one to subsume her desire to marry in order to keep her partner is wrong and unfair and will lead to trouble in the future.

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