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Original poster

So DP finally confirmed what I've known for a while now.....and am quite sad!

84 replies

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 20:47

Had a long chat with DP the other night about wanting to set out some plans for this year. New babies, holidays, new homes, marriage etc etc. We've been together 7.5 years and have a ds of 2 but the last year or so just seemed to have slid by with very little event and I wanted to change that. Everything was fine except the marriage bit. He always said he wanted to do it and it was just a matter of timing. He's finally admitted that he doesn't want to get married and that it's not personal but he just doesn't see the point of it all. If he did it, he'd jsut be doing it for me and our families. Now I wouldn't want him to marry me just for that reason and I'm glad he's finally being honest but I can't help feeling a bit disappointed that he doesn't feel that same burst of romanticness and commitment for me re the marriage thing that I feel for him. I also now feel a bit uncertain about the boring legal security bit. Plus there's the whole different name from my kids bit which is something I had to put up with when I was little. I don't know, I just always pictured us as a mr and mrs and staring into each others eyes saying I do. I never wanted a big wedding there's just something about committing to someone for the rest of your life in that legal fashion that says something to me and although I'd realised over the past few years it wasn't going to happen I guess I'd always hoped deep down a little more than I thought. Just a bit sad that's all

OP posts:
Flossam · 14/01/2007 22:05

Dp dosen't want to marry me either. He has said it's because he'd want a big do and can't ever see a time when we could afford to do it.He is right. I don't want a big do. I wouldn't mind getting married TBH, mainly because its something I always thought I would do. We shall see. I have 2010 in my mind as it is the year I turn thirty so that would be a nice time I think. So plenty of time to work on him!

What does he say about how you feel about it all? There is nothing wrong with him marrying you because you feel it is important, IMO.

NotAnOtter · 14/01/2007 22:07

well 15 years into the future we are fine

Ellbell · 14/01/2007 22:09

Sorry, have only skimmed thread (rushing... I'm not really here ) but I disagree with the people who imply that your dp's not wanting to get married means that he doesn't really love you. What he has said represents exactly the position of my dh before we got married. He just didn't see the point of it, and felt that it showed a lack of trust on my part that I felt that this 'bit of paper' was so important. I found out what the legal implications were (and specifically how few rights he'd have over his own children as an unmarried father) when I first got pregnant, and he 'came round' in a jiffy. Sadly, I lost that baby quite early on, but we still got married and it was, in the end, a very very special day (and partly also a sort of testament to the baby we'd lost that we still went ahead and did it anyway). I just think that your dp is happy how he is and fears that change might upset the status quo. Find out the facts and present them to him and see how he feels then.

Good luck...

Carmenere · 14/01/2007 22:09

Well NAO your dp obviously doesn't have a problem with not being married. If it was important to him would you?

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 14/01/2007 22:10

again agree with carmenere. they say you don't regret the things you've done but the things you didn't do. Given the op wants to get married, not just for financial/legal reasons but it's because of how she feels, I can't help thinking that she will potentially resent her dp for it at a later stage.

tbh if my dh had said he didn't want to marry me, I would have felt ve rejected.

bandstand · 14/01/2007 22:12

i took some persuadiung, only when i wanted a third did i agree.. mainly for name change tbh..i can understand why you are sad though i wasnt rejecting partnr, just the service..

hotpot · 14/01/2007 22:14

Wanted to add to the whole "common law wife" bit, surely if you do not marry and just change your name by deed poll then if you are lay on a hospital bed and decisions have to be made, he is NOT your next of kin, your parents are. (morbid I know and I hope nothing ever happens)

Plus you do need to look at wills as you have a child doesn't most of what you own go straight to them before your partner???

I am not sure about all this because I am married but even married people need to have a will (mental note to self, must get one sorted it is new year's resolution)

I don't wish to offend anyone but I can not understand wanting a child with someone but not wanting to marry them. A child is more of a commitment than marriage ever is.

Being married gives you certain rights that you don't have if you just live together.

Edam · 14/01/2007 22:18

Listen to Ellbell and explain to your dp exactly what the legal ramifications of being unmarried parents are. If it's because he feels married anyway (ie you are together for ever, why make a fuss) he may feel differently once he realises either one of you may have to sell your house if the other one dies due to inheritance tax, or your share going to a relative who forces a sale, for instance.

hunkeydorey · 14/01/2007 22:19

My exp never wanted to get married. I have ended up being left in a very crappy position, I lost everything (apart from the kids) when I left him.

I would never, ever live with anyone again, not without being married. I guess if I was financially independent I might feel differently. I most definitely would not like my daughters to start a family until they are married, for the sole reason I think it is important to have the security.

hunkeydorey · 14/01/2007 22:22

My ex was well aware of all the implications of being unmarried, it didn't make one bit of difference. I don't think he wanted to give me any security and he certainly didn't want to have to provide for me if we seperated. I think it is fairly safe to assume that he really didn't like me very much.

I'm sure it is a different situation for you C210, speak to him again.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 14/01/2007 22:26

Countto10, romantic stuff aside - if something should happen to him, god forbid, then you would be entitled to less from the state than you would if you paid £90 to have a registrar marry the two of you.

If, god forbid, something should happen to you he would be utterly screwed. He would get even less than you would.

If you are going to pay a solicitor to formalise legal arrangements with regard to care of children should something happen, and wills etc etc, you may as well pay to get married instead. That would be cheaper, and fix a large part of the "legal" stuff.

NotAnOtter · 14/01/2007 22:27

i probably would - ybh i just dont get this marriage lark

Ellbell · 14/01/2007 22:28

Unlike hunkeydorey's ex, my dh genuinely thought that there was little difference between being in a stable (we'd been together for 8 years) cohabiting relationship and a marriage. He thought we had a marriage in all but name, and didn't feel that he needed to prove that he loved me by getting a piece of paper with it on. If one partner is genuinely planning an escape from the relationship it's a bit different, obviously. (Sorry to hear about your ex, hunkey...).

BTW, I still have my 'maiden' name (or 'my name' as I think of it )

Heathcliffscathy · 14/01/2007 22:31

countto10, i really sympathise, but i don't feel that you should take it personally, i really don't.

marriage has so many connotations and so many of them are bad, i don't think his feelings necessarily have anything to do with his feeling of love or not for you.

having said that, there is a bigtime logical argument to formalising your partnership through legal marriage and you should talk to him about that.

puffling · 14/01/2007 22:50

Can someone who's in the know list the legal reasons to get married? Then I can present the list to dp who also doesn't see the point in it.

lemonaid · 14/01/2007 23:28

(partial)List of benefits:

  • widowed parent's benefit: miniumim of £82 a week if you are married, £0 if you aren't
  • inheritance tax: £0 between spouses, normal inheritance tax thresholds apply if not married

There are others, but those two add up to a lot of money in many cases.

katelyle · 14/01/2007 23:42

I have never wanted to be married. It doesn't make any difference to the love and committment I feel to my partner and our children (nearly 25 years blissfully happy monogamy and 2 fabulous children) but my need NOT to be married is a non negotiable factor. My dp would love to be married, but has had to accept over the years that it isn't going to happen. Our children have hyphenated names, but are free to choose either name (or neither!) at any stage in their lives. We have wills, and we have lodged a statement of parental responsibility so that my dp has equal rights and responsibilities concerning the children. Please don't assume that living together is a sort of "marriage-lite". We have outstayed all - and I mean all-of our married friends. My brother has been married 3 times in the time we've been together! Mind you, I would love a really expensive dinner service.......!

dollymixtures · 15/01/2007 13:33

This website has loads of useful info about where you both stand if you're not married and have kids. For info everyone, next of kin is not defined in law so you can identify your DP as your NOK, should you so wish.

As other posters have said, don't assume his views means he doesn't feel the same commitment and romanticism towards you as you feel for him. My DP (who admittedly is a dyed in the wool romantic) thinks that not being married is a sign that our commitment is deeper than marriage - we don't need the law to hold us together, he's chosen me over any one else every day for the last 10 years. Which I think is lovely .

At one time getting married seemed important and we talked about doing it but circumstances were just never right. Now it seems a bit superfluous and I worry that changing the status quo would ruin a wonderful relationship, the "if it aint broke, don't fix it" approach. Perhaps this is your DPs point of view?

OTOH it probably costs less to get married than to sort out the legal stuff through a solicitor .

Twiglett · 15/01/2007 13:39

so he doesn't want to get married because he doesn't see the point

but you do

it strikes me that not seeing the point is like "I just can't be bothered" so there's not much emotional investment

whereas wanting to get married is an emotional investment

why should HE win this one? Its important to you and you want it ... why shouldn't YOU win this discussion .. so tis not a big romantic thing for him, he should do it because he loves you and he's committed to you and it will make you happy

Practically I think any couple with children is acting slightly foolishly not going through with a marriage ceremony because of the tax / legal implications otherwise

KTeePee · 15/01/2007 13:47

Call me old fashioned but I can never understand why couples are prepared to have children together and so are making a life-long commitment to being parents together, but won't nip into the registry office for the 15 minutes or so it takes to get married. if it is so meaningless - why make such a fuss about not doing it?

Mumpbump · 15/01/2007 14:28

I never particularly wanted to get married, but said yes to the proposal because it didn't matter to me either way, but was important to dh. We were going to have a very long engagement, but once I fell pg, we got married within a couple of months. I think it is important for legal reasons to be married if you have children, mainly in the event of one of you dying...

If he is prepared to do it for you and your families, take him up on it. Isn't he effectively saying that he will do it if it is important to you? That must be the best you can hope for from somebody who doesn't really believe in marriage.

hunkeydorey · 15/01/2007 14:40

I just think if you've got kids you should be married. If your relationship breaks down at some stage in the future, and let's face it lots do, you will be stuffed.

I have been stuffed and it is crap and bloody hard. Don't fool yourself into thinking that if you break up he will still want to do the right thing by you and the kids, some men don't.

Sorry if I sound like the voice of doom but I really think it is important.

ProfYaffle · 15/01/2007 16:06

Dh and I were determined not to get married at one point, then I saw a documentary on tv about how few rights unmarried couples have and once I got pg with dd I commenced nagging. It made no difference to dh who preferred to be seen as non conventional and rebellious much to my . It was only when he fell critically ill and I couldn't be his next of kin in hospital that he realised there are real life ramifications to not being married.

We're married now (v small civil do, I've not changed my name) but I never took his reluctance as a comment on our relationship. I knew he loved me and was committed to me, dd was proof of that, but he just had difficulty shaking off his adolescence.

NotAnOtter · 15/01/2007 16:15

'if its so meaningless why make such a fuss about not doing it'

I am not making any fuss. I am not married - 50% of you who are will sepnd thousands divorcing. I will still be not married

motherinferior · 15/01/2007 16:30

My partner would rather like me to marry him. I don't want to get married. Our children have both our names. End of story.