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Original poster

So DP finally confirmed what I've known for a while now.....and am quite sad!

84 replies

CountTo10 · 14/01/2007 20:47

Had a long chat with DP the other night about wanting to set out some plans for this year. New babies, holidays, new homes, marriage etc etc. We've been together 7.5 years and have a ds of 2 but the last year or so just seemed to have slid by with very little event and I wanted to change that. Everything was fine except the marriage bit. He always said he wanted to do it and it was just a matter of timing. He's finally admitted that he doesn't want to get married and that it's not personal but he just doesn't see the point of it all. If he did it, he'd jsut be doing it for me and our families. Now I wouldn't want him to marry me just for that reason and I'm glad he's finally being honest but I can't help feeling a bit disappointed that he doesn't feel that same burst of romanticness and commitment for me re the marriage thing that I feel for him. I also now feel a bit uncertain about the boring legal security bit. Plus there's the whole different name from my kids bit which is something I had to put up with when I was little. I don't know, I just always pictured us as a mr and mrs and staring into each others eyes saying I do. I never wanted a big wedding there's just something about committing to someone for the rest of your life in that legal fashion that says something to me and although I'd realised over the past few years it wasn't going to happen I guess I'd always hoped deep down a little more than I thought. Just a bit sad that's all

OP posts:
motherinferior · 15/01/2007 16:30

I don't think marriage is meaningless. It's precisely a lot of the meaning I want to dodge, thank you very much.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/01/2007 16:35

In my personal experience ALL the cohabiting couples I have known have either gone on to marry or have split up several years down the line with all the ramifications that such spilts entail.

expatinscotland · 15/01/2007 16:38

Co-habitating for life isn't for me, but it sounds like it is for your partner.

Maybe the two of you need to sit down and have another heart to heart about what this means for the future of your relationship if you are in fact wishing to marry.

noddyholder · 15/01/2007 16:41

We have neen together 15 years and dp has asked me a few times but I am not keen to meddle with something that is pretty near perfect(for me that is)We are still really in love after all this time and adore our ds and our life together.What difference would marriage make?I am not for or against it just have never really seen the point.If it bothers one of you then it is a problem My dp says he has asked me now and won't again so if I want to get married I'll have to ask him.

hettie · 15/01/2007 16:43

Just because you don?t want to get married doesn?t mean you don?t love your partner and want to spend the rest of your life with them. My theory about marriage was/is that it is a social construct that was actually about the rest of society. I had nothing to prove I (and my partner) knew how much we loved each other and that our commitment was for life, I didn?t see why officially declaring that to other people mattered to us. For a long while my partner agreed with that, then it became clear marriage was getting more important for him, so he proposed and as I realised it had become a big deal and wanted to make him happy I did. For him the public declaration began to matter. It may not be that he is ambivalent about not getting married but that he has actual views about it. I?m sorry you feel differently as that is obviously sad for you as you are loosing something that you quite wanted, but I have to disagree with other posters that this somehow mena she cares less.

noddyholder · 15/01/2007 16:45

I agree hettie my not wanting to get married has NO bearing on how much I love dp.I know many married couples who don't even like each other

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 15/01/2007 16:47

I have to say I do find it hard to understand why if someone is committed enough to have a child with someone they won?t get married. Having a child is a far bigger commitment than marriage, after all, to some it?s just a bit of paper?

As for the legal implications, the next of kin bit alone would bother me. After all, that?s not something that can be rectified by a solicitor is it. So imagine your dp is involved in a serious accident, you?re his partner, but you have to call on your ILs, who are his next of kin, not you, to give consent for his surgery. Then imagine he dies, and you and your dp are pro organ donation, but your ILs are not. So your ILs say that they?re not prepared for his organs to be donated, despite the fact that you and he had discussed it, and if you were his wife, you could have abided by his wishes but you?re not married so you can?t. Then when it?s all over, his ILs are given the death certificate. You?re not entitled to collect it because you?re not married.

If not for romantic reasons, I would get married for those reasons alone.

hunkeydorey · 15/01/2007 16:51

With regard to the next of kin thing. Exp had an accident that required some minor surgery, he gave my name as next of kin, despite the fact that we weren't married and it was never queried. Ditto when I had my appendix out, I put him down as next of kin. I guess being next of kin, only really matters if one of you dies.

NotAnOtter · 15/01/2007 16:52

It really pisses me off when people preach about the legalities etc of marriage.
I dont want to do it - SOCIETY is flawed not me
I dont want to fix what is not broken and I like it this way - kinda funky!!! [grin}

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 15/01/2007 16:53

but reality is that it's likely one of you will die. Generally one partner does die before the other, even if it's when you're both old and grey. If there are children then they of course will be next of kin, but if no children then it would be the nearest surviving relative.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 15/01/2007 16:55

I do think though that if both parties are happy not being married then why should they change things if that's not what they both want. i think though that where it's sad is when one partner does want to get married and the other one doesn't. Why should it be the one that doesn't who gets his/her own way?

NotAnOtter · 15/01/2007 16:57

why should it be the one who does not want to marry who is seen as selfish!

swifterella · 15/01/2007 17:01

ust wanted to add my two penneth - I have been with my DP for about 9 years and after the birth of my DS he asked me to marry him- i said yes. Anyway last year i was asking when he thought we might do it, he started getting fretful about it, i dont want a big hoo ha, just me and you, few friends, cant see th point etc. So I did call his bluff and said fine then I dont want to get married and would rather things stay as they are. Am speaking to a solicitor next week in fact about getting a legal document drawn up icase anything happened to DP, so we wont be left with nothing etc etc.

Ironically he is now DESPERATE to marry me. I'm now not that bothered.

Sobernow · 15/01/2007 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 15/01/2007 17:03

I think because often the one who doesn't want to get married doesn't necessarily have strong reasons against marriage, they often just don't see the point iykwim, whereas the one who does want to get married often wants to do so for strong emotional reasons. They love the other and want to declare it to the world, so the one saying no is effectively saying that those emotional reasons aren't valid purely because they don't see the point.

ProfYaffle · 15/01/2007 17:13

Re the next of kin thing, I couldn't be dh's because he was unconscious when he was admitted and they wouldn't let me give permission for invasive procedures. When he was more with it a few days later he nominated me as his nok but the hospital still contacted fil in preference to me.

My Uncle died suddenly a few years ago and his gf couldn't register the death, organise the funeral or the headstone and his ex wife ended up with the house.

Personally I don't think being married/not married has any real bearing on the depth of feeling people have but I'd be very nervous about the lack of protection.

hunkeydorey · 15/01/2007 17:29

I agree PY, I don't think this has to be a commitment problem, I'm sure your dp loves you and thinks he is committed enough. And I don't even think it's a problem all the time you are together and happy, it's when something goes wrong, death or separation, when things start to fall apart.

I'm sure there are some people who do refuse to get married though, just so they can avoid their responsibilities. My ex being a prime example of this.

swifterella · 15/01/2007 17:30

the next of kin thing really worries my partner...as it should.

But I dont think you HAVE to get married to show depth of feeling for someone.

Sobernow · 15/01/2007 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hettie · 15/01/2007 18:33

You can get a solicitor to draw up a document (simialr to power of attorney) to resolve the whole next of kin thing...

emmatomATO · 15/01/2007 18:41

I think anyone who says they don't see the point of marriage ought to read Yorkiegirls thread (someone did a link below).

The complete and utter devastation that the lack of a bit of paper causes on top of the devastation of one partner dying is unimaginable. I thought it would be complicated but she explained it thoroughly and simply and it is beyond belief.

If the actual pomp and ceremony thing is the reason for not doing it or just 'why bother when everything is OK' then a very simple service with only witnesses is all thats needed. You don't even need to tell anyone for heavens sake and you don't even need to change names.

Please read that link. After doing so and you still 'don't see the point' then I'm dumbfounded.

fennel · 15/01/2007 19:40

That website which Dollymixtures linked to below has forms you can download stating your next of kin preference in a little card shaped format you can carry with credit cards etc.

I would be more amenable to people arguing that marriage is just a sensible piece of paper like an insurance document if it were remotely possible to get married and people treat it like that. In practice, people don't see marriage as just a sensible legal precaution, or 95% of people don't. Even on those recent threads on mumsnet where people debate the pros and cons of the financial and legal issues, anyone who does decide they'd better get married is greeted with congratulations, like they've achieved some higher moral or emotional state. Noone congratulates you in that way for taking out extra life insurance, which is what marriage would be to me and DP if we ever did it.

drosophila · 15/01/2007 19:57

It may have something to so with so many marriages ending in divorce. Marriage seems to do something to people. You read it here on this thread. Husbands saying it was the best decision and they are glad that they ar pushed so much. Why would the husband feel differently unless it somehow makes you feel different. The worry for some is that it may make you feel different in a negative way. There was another thread on how marriage affect the health of women negatively.

I have been with DP for 18 years and have two kids and his brother died leaving an unmarried partner and two kids and things were eventually worked out and she ws consulted at the hospital and treated as next of kin although there was one testing moment when they needed consent for a procedure. Despite seeing all of this DP is opposed to marriage and I am a bit afraid of it (Parents did not have a great marriage).

dollymixtures · 16/01/2007 11:50

Fennel, you said it perfectly. To be honest, the more people go on at us to get married, the more we dig our heels in .

FWIW, I worked in the NHS for years and the NOK status of patients was never questioned. We just went with whatever the GP had on their records, although different Trusts work in different ways.

Like many others on here my DP and I are blissfully happy with our unmarried situation and we have taken steps to secure our position legally and financially. I carry one of the NOK cards from advicenow and having a will is important whether you are married or not. Countto10 however obviously isn't happy with her situation and I think she needs to get to the bottom of why her DP doesn't want to get married. Is it because he hasn't seen any good examples of marriage? Does he worry it would change things? Does he like feeling like he's a bit 'out there'? Or does he just not want to give others an opportunity to say "I told you so" ? Once you've done that you can explain why it's so important to you that you are married and frame your reasons so that they challenge his views IYSWIM?

hollyj · 17/01/2007 15:56

CountTo10, I really sympathise - my dp is very similar, except that he has (finally)agreed to marry me because I want to (have started another thread about it) and all the financial stuff aside, I think many people when they have a child suddenly just feel they want to.
I never wanted to get married before I met him either (parents had a truly horrific divorce) but with him, and then the arrival of dd, it suddenly seemed like a good idea.

Does your dp really understand how much this means to you? If he does, surely he will do it for your sake? Although my dp has known for ages that i wanted to get married, it took a huge row and lots of crying for him to see how important it was to me (in denial before that maybe?) - could your situation be the same? I really hope so

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