if your H leaves at 5.30am for work what time would he go to bed?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

sorry if its a bit of a daft thread title but I am so fed up.

H works M-F. Bus driver.
It's a 7 day job, hours range from 4am start to 2am finish, shift work.
He claims 'unsocial hours' (in fact, 9-5 hrs, M-F) due to ds being ill as a baby.
He gets up at 5 and leaves at 5.30am. Avoids rush hour. Finishes at 3. Home at 4.
Every weekend off.

Because he is tired, he regularly goes to bed at 8pm to get 9 hours sleep.
Tonight he announced his bath at 7pm. Leaving me to clean down kitchen and process 2 kids through Sunday evening bath routine, uniform roundup, bag check - the usual nonsense of a Sunday night. Plus bed and story time.
Walk dog (I know, get rid of dog would make sense but kids love her).

Ds (the 'poorly baby') is nearly 12. He has some SEN and can be hard to get into bed. Often up again until 12midnight. Dd is 8 and also hard to get settled.

I have a mobility difficulty and evenings are very hard for me. Lots of stairs and kids to round up is like herding sheep sometimes. I am lucky to sit down before 10pm and lucky not to be interrupted at least once before midnight. Sometimes I sit and cry with the pain in my feet, despite the meds.

H is currently upstairs watching TV (in bed).
I have asked him to change his hours to something more 'family friendly' (which is what he is claiming they are for, after all).
He says: 'yeah, yeah' but he NEVER does.

Is this reasonable, do you think?

sorry for essay ramble but I'm just so fed up tonight.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

sorry, X post.
HIs colleague is another middle aged man who lives in odd conditions - he has a hoarding issue. H says 'it will do' until he can find better. He will give me some maintenance if there is money left over from the rent he'll need, apparently.

[voodoolooloo]

He sounds a true delight. My DH works in a similar job. If he's on earlies and up at 5 then he would be in bed by 11 at the latest.
He would be home from work sometimes in time to pick one of the kids from school put a wash on, tidy around and start tea before I've even walked in from my job.
He's taking you for a mug and the longer it goes on the more difficult it will be to get him out.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

Da is up at 5.30, home any time after 7pm and goes to bed at midnight. Don't know how he does it!

[seven201]

My husband leaves for work at 5.30 ish and is back at 4.30 ish. He goes to bed around 10pm. Bus driving is quite a sedentary job so perhaps he needs to do some exercise to get his energy levels up? My husband works in the building industry so does get exercise. He does moan about being tired but says he can't get to sleep any earlier. He's very good though and does look after me at the moment as I'm heavily pregnant and struggling.

Your husband sounds very selfish. I hope you can sit down together and go through what you should each be contributing on a day to day basis.

[Kr1stina]

No it doesn't work like he . He doesn't get to decide the amount of maintenance for the children .

It's good that he has set hours with no tips / bonus. That will make it easier for the CSA and harder for him to dodge .

Shame he will lose his family friendly hours if he has no kids living with him.

[Kr1stina]

Oops

Doesn't work like that

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

He's got a nice setup hasn't he- avoiding all the hardest times of day at work, and doing nothing at home either. If he's awake at 10 for a snack then the "needing sleep" is BS- what he's doing is hiding. Drop his work a line explaining that there is no reason whatsoever for the lazy arse to get preferential hours. He can pull his weight there too. And then LTB.

[DreamingofItaly]

I was up at 5 this morning and went to bed at 11.30 (bloody queen birthday celebration on TV). Normally it's around 10/10.30.

TBH I agree with Prosecco. He's not a husband, he's a lodger. Personally, I couldn't handle that little assistance and lack of regard for me/my feelings. You said you've had surgery meaning you're knackered by 9pm and can hardly walk...he should be pitching in earlier to help you. Marriages are partnerships. This. Not so.

Good luck OP

[43percentburnt]

Sounds like laziness.

No doubt if you split up he would tell work he still has to care for ds so he still gets his sociable hours.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Yes, I think it's a nice 'set up' for him re work and home.
He is not honestly obtaining those special privilege hours and I'd bet a £100 he wouldn't tell them when he is not living with the children any more.
If he takes time to attend a hospital appointment with me re Ds it is a 'favour'.
He would describe looking after the children of an evening as 'babysitting' (though I last went out for the evening 4 years ago and he called me 7 times during that evening (the last 3 of which was to say he couldn't get the kids to go to bed).

He is pathetic really but I am more pathetic for living with him.

[Kr1stina]

You are not pathetic . You are a mother with health problems looking after two two children, one with SN. And a lodger .

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

can I ask - if you had the scenario that I was cooking - on crutches - with a dog around my feet and a child helping and the phone going and the doorbell went (just for example) and the other adult in the house saw, grinned, and then went and 'shampoo'd the carpet / tidied basement stairs / checked TV'
is that what they call gaslighting?

[bakeoffcake]

No you aren't pathetic at all. You are amazing for bringing up two children and sorting out every single other thing for your family with not one jot of support.

You would feel so much better without this lazy, cruel man living with you.

[GiraffesAndButterflies]

No, that scenario would be him being a twat (there may also be a proper term, I don't know). Gas lighting would be him minimising the situation afterwards, saying that it didn't happen that way/that you had everything under control and didn't need him/saying that he'd glanced over to check that you weren't calling him to help and therefore he assumed all was fine. Basically anything that tries to make you doubt your "version" of events and imply he did nothing wrong. And ongoing it is manipulation to make you doubt yourself, undermine you and lower your self esteem while persuading himself that he's all shiny and innocent.

[RiceCrispieTreats]

He is terminally selfish.

Divorce him. The nightmare scenario he paints is just something he's using so you're too scared to divorce him. Whereas in fact, you will use the legal system to determine maintenance payments, AND the timing and location of his time with the DC. No, he does not get to drop into your home to visit his kids once you are divorced: he will have no rights to enter what will then be your home, and as an adult will be expected by the courts to make his own arrangements. You can get a legally binding contact arrangement.

So get lawyered up and do it.

[wooflesgoestotown]

My Dh gets up early m-f (4.30-5am) due to a long commute and doesn't get home til 7.30 ish.

When he's at home he's an equal parent with me. He never tries to trump me on tiredness he knows I'm tired too with looking after DC all day (SAHM).

He does go to bed early (8.30-9) but not before doing all that needs doing for the DC.

Your dp's behaviour is selfish and lazy and he's not being a parent let alone a partner.

[TheHobbitMum]

My Husband leaves at 5.30am and goes to bed at 11/12pm each night.

[glassgarden]

Let him go and rot with his hoarder buddy

[dollylucy]

This is awful
You can't continue like this
You can cope on your own- you are doing it on your own anyway.

Do you have any nice times together?

[Annanentity]

He's not going to change i'm afraid so you need to do something. This is no life to live.
I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation ( though I didn't have your additional health issues and my children did thankfully go to bed early giving me much needed down time)

I just carried on enabling the man/child behaviour it until it started to affect my mental health and that of my DD. I ended the relationship and despite legal advice agreed to leave. I couldn't afford an expensive court case.
We now have shared care so it's working better now than it ever has and I and the children are the happiest we've ever been.

I do think you should seek some free legal advice if you can and think about your options. Do you really want to be here in ten years time?

[VioletSunshine]

He is not honestly obtaining those special privilege hours and I'd bet a £100 he wouldn't tell them when he is not living with the children any more.

Could you maybe anonymously dob him in to them so they stop giving him those hours at least? Although then he'd be at home more :/ maybe wait 'til after you LTB.

I think calling him a lodger is being rather generous, because lodgers at least would treat the people they are lodging with, with some respect. Your H is a plain old oxygen thief.

He is taking the piss, and not fulfilling the commitments he made when you got married.

It may seem daunting to go it alone, but at least you'd be free to meet and fall in love with someone who would help you with the kids, who wants to spend time with you all, and who treats you like a partner not a robot servant.

Also, you are definitely not pathetic. He's the pathetic one. Lying to his work so he misses rush hour, having children but not being at all responsible for them, living like a bachelor in his family home and shirking his responsibilities...
And perhaps most pathetic is he is so inept, lazy and selfish that he leaves his DW to do absolutely everything despite her having health issues to deal with and spoons to manage. He can't take care of himself but expects you to do it even though it's you that could do with proper help and support in the home?

I really hope this isn't out of line for me to say, but he comes across as a total loser, and you and your DC would be much happier without him living with you in the long run.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Oh, he does that too! ALL the time.
Like I tricked him into getting pg.
Only we had IVF. So, he had to sign the forms in triplicate. Endless chances to 'stop' or 'go back' if you change your mind about it. You cannot be 'tricked' into IVF. But for years it was 'you tricked me'. Now that has changed to: 'you used me'.
The IVF was entirely male factor.

[Handsoffmysweets]

I think you know what you have to do OP and I get the feeling you've known for a long time. He sounds like he resents family life and doesn't feel that he needs to partake in it - almost like its beneath him. You are worth much more than wasting your life with this man who treats your house like a hotel and speaks to you like dirt. As another poster said, let him go and live with his hoarder friend, sounds like they were made for each other tbh.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

How in the fuck can you trick someone into IVF treatment. That is frankly insulting to people who've had to endure the process and sometimes heartbreak of IVF.

What a useless cunt!

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Tali - EXACTLY!

The repeated IVF was what started my descent into mobility probs - lots of hormones which loosened my ligaments, repeated SPD resulting in wheelchair, then 10 years of mobility issues due to spine not being properly supported etc.

I finally shut him up about the 'tricked' thing by pointing out that it is not actually possible to trick someone into parenthood via IVF...

but, he holds the trump card.