if your H leaves at 5.30am for work what time would he go to bed?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

sorry if its a bit of a daft thread title but I am so fed up.

H works M-F. Bus driver.
It's a 7 day job, hours range from 4am start to 2am finish, shift work.
He claims 'unsocial hours' (in fact, 9-5 hrs, M-F) due to ds being ill as a baby.
He gets up at 5 and leaves at 5.30am. Avoids rush hour. Finishes at 3. Home at 4.
Every weekend off.

Because he is tired, he regularly goes to bed at 8pm to get 9 hours sleep.
Tonight he announced his bath at 7pm. Leaving me to clean down kitchen and process 2 kids through Sunday evening bath routine, uniform roundup, bag check - the usual nonsense of a Sunday night. Plus bed and story time.
Walk dog (I know, get rid of dog would make sense but kids love her).

Ds (the 'poorly baby') is nearly 12. He has some SEN and can be hard to get into bed. Often up again until 12midnight. Dd is 8 and also hard to get settled.

I have a mobility difficulty and evenings are very hard for me. Lots of stairs and kids to round up is like herding sheep sometimes. I am lucky to sit down before 10pm and lucky not to be interrupted at least once before midnight. Sometimes I sit and cry with the pain in my feet, despite the meds.

H is currently upstairs watching TV (in bed).
I have asked him to change his hours to something more 'family friendly' (which is what he is claiming they are for, after all).
He says: 'yeah, yeah' but he NEVER does.

Is this reasonable, do you think?

sorry for essay ramble but I'm just so fed up tonight.

[wfrances]

dh goes to bed 11ish up at 4.45am

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Pressed post too soon.

Also meant to say -

CHANGES ARE GONNA happen though - for everyone's sake.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

I think he has become cumulatively tired.
He has a 45min commute and then drives for a living. It is a hard break.
He has also not felt well these last few months.

But he can be quite aggressive and he was like this before he felt unwell.

I just find it hard and needed to vent. Thank you all for your input.

[heron98]

I leave at 530 for work, get up at 450. I try to be in bed for 930, asleep for 10. I get home from work at 5pm.

Mostly I manage it.

I find my tiredness is cumulative. I'm fine for the first three days, days four and five I feel like shit.

[DontDeadOpenInside]

Dh was up at 4.30am to start work at 5am (round the corner) He would finish around lunchtime. When he did these shifts we would both go to bed around 9 (after he had cooked tea for everyone and we had both got the kids sorted with homework etc and into bed) he'd be asleep by about 9.30pm and I'd watch TV or read or whatever for a couple of hours and be up at 7am with the kids. It can work well for families if you want it to, your dh clearly doesn't care for anyone but himself.

[KiteCutter]

That's appalling. DH works (standard) 7am-7pm for two days then 7pm-7am for two nights although as they've been short staffed for months so often he's only had one day off between shifts regularly.

During that time I try to let him sleep as much as possible and it's up to him what time he finally crashes out (or often sleeps for a couple of hours then gets up for a couple more). But it's up to him to be up and out of the door in time for work. Until recently I was working full time also (standard M-F job) so on his "night shift" days he'd get dinner sorted.

He's not the greatest at remembering homework/bag packing/uniform etc. but then I'm the organised one in that sense so it's fine and works for us.

The last week I have been really sick and he has been fantastic. Sorted all the stuff out with the kids, got up with them for school, done the shopping and tried to find things I might manage to eat (keep down).

He also appreciates that with his rolling shifts he only (if lucky) manages to take one weekend off in 8 so I've got the kids to amuse along with everything else.

Oh and he certainly doesn't have his own room (but does crash out on the sofa at times).

[PoundingTheStreets]

Blimey. I'd be cross OP.

I work a 10-day pattern, 9 or 10-hour shifts. The first two days I have to get up at 5am. The next two days I finish at midnight. The final two days are night shifts from 10pm to 7am. On the earlies I go to bed at 11pm. On the late shifts I usually get to bed at 1.30am and have to get up with DC at 7.30am to get them to school. On the night shifts I usually get home in time to get the DC their breakfast and take them to school then I go to sleep until just before pickup time at 3.15pm and stay awake until I have to leave for the shift.

And I've done that as a single parent (albeit with support from my amazing best friend then ultimately also my DP who now lives with us).

Admittedly I don't need much sleep but more importantly I am able-bodied with no health complaints whatsoever. I'm afraid that unless your DH has some sort of condition, he's being a lazy arse leaving all the DC-related responsibilities to you. It's completely unacceptable behaviour.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Yes, I would have wanted to give them a chance of life.
They were frozen nearly 10 years ago at 'first division' stage (ie fertilised but not much more). Chances are, they wouldn't 'take'. But, if they are to fail to progress, or not implant, at least it would be in my body, the way it should be.
But he wont agree.
I don't think he ever meant a word of it.
He told me he wanted a termination when dd was 10 weeks and that he had only 'had another baby for company for ds - he didn't really want a baby with ME at all'. Bastard.

The dog is an elderly slowmoving type, especially chosen for it needing hardly any exercise. It gives me joy and unconditional love - it's a damn sight nicer than H - so I am for keeping it. Plus children adore it.

Yesterday, I put kids to bed at 8.30 as I had an early hospital apt today and couldn't be late. I went to bed (in my room) too. Ha!
I daringly left the washing up from night before that he'd ignored (big slowcooker pot that wont fit in d/w). He did it.
He does do stuff after work but it is never the stuff that needs doing, iyswim?
Yesterday he came in and immediately started to wash his car.
Fair do's but how about 'hello' to the kids / homework enquiries / cup of tea / how was your day - never in a million years.
He huffed and puffed. Came with us on a dog walk (not good as he just moans all the time). DID do stockpot I suppose. That is a good day.

[PhoenixReisling]

He is awful and treats you like a sivvy. It gets home at 3/4pm and does nothing....not even walk the dog .

Listen, I've had IVF and I understand your connection to the embies and also understand that you want to hold a ceremony. However, weighing it up I couldn't live like you are for the next six months, just on the off chance that he will agree with your wishes....

Personally, I would re-home the dog (it's too much for you with your mobility issues) and if he objects then tell him it's his responsibility. I would also stop doing anything for him (cooking/washing), again if he objects tell him that until he shares parenting his children/helps around the home then you won't be doing anything for him.

IMO, I would just ask him to leave.

[nephrofox]

Ok November is not so far away, let's deal with that horrific hold he has over you first. What would you like to do with them? Try for a baby?

I suggest you think of a plan to make yourself and your children happy. Please let it incudes leaving him, but no need for that to be instantaneous if it would suit you to leave it longer. Maybe if you put a 6 month plan in place then you'll feel in control and be able to disengage from his awfuk behaviour, knowing that you will soon be free?

[happygoluckylady]

He sounds beyond grim. And you deserve so much better. Put the wheels in motion today for a happier life. X

[VioletSunshine]

Oh dear :(
If you were to divorce him, is there a chance a stipulation could be made that he agree to sign and allow you to give your embryos a proper burial, provided ofc that you do that?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

re health - I have 2 slipped discs, have had 2 ops on each leg and 1 on each foot in last 12m alone. I use crutches.

Yes, I am on the mortgage and there is quite a lot of credit card debt too.

Main issue however is that we have embryos in storage.

When we had the cycle which produced my dd we were advised to freeze our 'spare' fertilised embryos in case cycle failed again.
I said to H there and then that I couldn't do it unless we would one day give them the chance of life. After an awful childhood myself and repeated miscarriage and IVF I felt very strongly about it. He promised me.

Of course, he 'changed his mind' afterwards (he 'changed his mind' about dd when I was 10 wks pg and asked me to get a termination. As if). Quite correctly, whilst he is alive, I need his permission to use my embryos. He is alive and I'm not going to bump him off (or wish him ill) just so I could do that, but it is very very frustrating.

The storage period ends in November. The clinic have written with the date when they will be taken out of storage and 'allowed to perish'. I cant cope with the thought of them being allowed to die and sluiced away. I cannot even be there. I have called the clinic and spoken to them and they have been very understanding. I am not alone in feeling very emotional about my embryos, it seems. Once the embryos are no longer 'viable' they can be collected and I could have a 'letting go' of them that is dignified and that I can cope with. There is a beautiful humanist place near me where I could buy a small woodland plot and have them interred. I would like that very much.

But I need his signature.

[ricketytickety]

Just to add, your life will actually be easier without him to rub your face in it. Which is what he's doing shampooing his carpet whilst you run around life a blue arsed fly. SPD is disabling and he should have taken some of the strain away for you. Instead he has moved into his bedroom and you do all the running of the house. He has an easy life. He can move out and have that easy life elsewhere. Don't think you'll get any help from him, so make sure you get that legal advice - go to CAB too - they are brilliant at giving you advice and numbers to call for information/help.

[ricketytickety]

Yes, what is stopping you from saying 'please, just go and and get a bedsit somewhere else!'

Is it financial? Are you on the mortgage?

[Kr1stina]

What trump card ?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Tali - EXACTLY!

The repeated IVF was what started my descent into mobility probs - lots of hormones which loosened my ligaments, repeated SPD resulting in wheelchair, then 10 years of mobility issues due to spine not being properly supported etc.

I finally shut him up about the 'tricked' thing by pointing out that it is not actually possible to trick someone into parenthood via IVF...

but, he holds the trump card.

[TaliZorahVasNormandy]

How in the fuck can you trick someone into IVF treatment. That is frankly insulting to people who've had to endure the process and sometimes heartbreak of IVF.

What a useless cunt!

[Handsoffmysweets]

I think you know what you have to do OP and I get the feeling you've known for a long time. He sounds like he resents family life and doesn't feel that he needs to partake in it - almost like its beneath him. You are worth much more than wasting your life with this man who treats your house like a hotel and speaks to you like dirt. As another poster said, let him go and live with his hoarder friend, sounds like they were made for each other tbh.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Oh, he does that too! ALL the time.
Like I tricked him into getting pg.
Only we had IVF. So, he had to sign the forms in triplicate. Endless chances to 'stop' or 'go back' if you change your mind about it. You cannot be 'tricked' into IVF. But for years it was 'you tricked me'. Now that has changed to: 'you used me'.
The IVF was entirely male factor.

[VioletSunshine]

He is not honestly obtaining those special privilege hours and I'd bet a £100 he wouldn't tell them when he is not living with the children any more.

Could you maybe anonymously dob him in to them so they stop giving him those hours at least? Although then he'd be at home more :/ maybe wait 'til after you LTB.

I think calling him a lodger is being rather generous, because lodgers at least would treat the people they are lodging with, with some respect. Your H is a plain old oxygen thief.

He is taking the piss, and not fulfilling the commitments he made when you got married.

It may seem daunting to go it alone, but at least you'd be free to meet and fall in love with someone who would help you with the kids, who wants to spend time with you all, and who treats you like a partner not a robot servant.

Also, you are definitely not pathetic. He's the pathetic one. Lying to his work so he misses rush hour, having children but not being at all responsible for them, living like a bachelor in his family home and shirking his responsibilities...
And perhaps most pathetic is he is so inept, lazy and selfish that he leaves his DW to do absolutely everything despite her having health issues to deal with and spoons to manage. He can't take care of himself but expects you to do it even though it's you that could do with proper help and support in the home?

I really hope this isn't out of line for me to say, but he comes across as a total loser, and you and your DC would be much happier without him living with you in the long run.

[Annanentity]

He's not going to change i'm afraid so you need to do something. This is no life to live.
I really feel for you. I was in a similar situation ( though I didn't have your additional health issues and my children did thankfully go to bed early giving me much needed down time)

I just carried on enabling the man/child behaviour it until it started to affect my mental health and that of my DD. I ended the relationship and despite legal advice agreed to leave. I couldn't afford an expensive court case.
We now have shared care so it's working better now than it ever has and I and the children are the happiest we've ever been.

I do think you should seek some free legal advice if you can and think about your options. Do you really want to be here in ten years time?

[dollylucy]

This is awful
You can't continue like this
You can cope on your own- you are doing it on your own anyway.

Do you have any nice times together?

[glassgarden]

Let him go and rot with his hoarder buddy