if your H leaves at 5.30am for work what time would he go to bed?

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

sorry if its a bit of a daft thread title but I am so fed up.

H works M-F. Bus driver.
It's a 7 day job, hours range from 4am start to 2am finish, shift work.
He claims 'unsocial hours' (in fact, 9-5 hrs, M-F) due to ds being ill as a baby.
He gets up at 5 and leaves at 5.30am. Avoids rush hour. Finishes at 3. Home at 4.
Every weekend off.

Because he is tired, he regularly goes to bed at 8pm to get 9 hours sleep.
Tonight he announced his bath at 7pm. Leaving me to clean down kitchen and process 2 kids through Sunday evening bath routine, uniform roundup, bag check - the usual nonsense of a Sunday night. Plus bed and story time.
Walk dog (I know, get rid of dog would make sense but kids love her).

Ds (the 'poorly baby') is nearly 12. He has some SEN and can be hard to get into bed. Often up again until 12midnight. Dd is 8 and also hard to get settled.

I have a mobility difficulty and evenings are very hard for me. Lots of stairs and kids to round up is like herding sheep sometimes. I am lucky to sit down before 10pm and lucky not to be interrupted at least once before midnight. Sometimes I sit and cry with the pain in my feet, despite the meds.

H is currently upstairs watching TV (in bed).
I have asked him to change his hours to something more 'family friendly' (which is what he is claiming they are for, after all).
He says: 'yeah, yeah' but he NEVER does.

Is this reasonable, do you think?

sorry for essay ramble but I'm just so fed up tonight.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

He does want to be married, I assume?
Otherwise he'd have to cook his own meals, wash his own shirts and look after his own children (at least 1 day a week)?
He has 'walked out' a number of times but is always back within a day or so as it is 'less comfortable' at his pals house. (plus, I suspect, he doesn't want to walk away from our house?)

[NapQueen]

I'd split.
Send the dcs there sat and sun see how he likes it.

Dick.

[DustyMaiden]

My DH goes to bed at midnight. That's why he is a sleep deprived grouch.

[Floralnomad]

Sounds like you may as well be a single parent , at least he might have the DC for visitation on the odd weekend which would give you time to have a break.

[mayhew]

That's not a husband that's a lodger!

[makingmiracles]

He's BUR , mine will get up to leave at that time, finish at 4, come home and start tea if needed, empty his lunch stuff and flasks, clean round a bit, help get kids dinner, have a bath and play some Xbox once kids in bed, he' ll go to sleep about 10.30 ready for the following morning. I'm a SAHM but also up up at 5.30, although as heavily pregnant will try to nap a bit in the day, I then don't go to sleep till about 12.

[Leelooo]

I think there is more wrong with your relationship than just him going to bed early to be honest. Him wanting to sleep in a separate bedroom from you and have it set up like a complete bed sit would seem that he is not just interested in family life but maybe not interested in a proper relationship with you either?

[Sallystyle]

When I need to be up at that time I go up about 9.30pm

Especially when I was doing 12 hour shifts. I am a night owl by nature and hate going to bed early and even if I get enough sleep waking up at 5.30am is awful for me and I still feel tired for the rest of the day.

It's why I don't do many earlies anymore.

Obviously your problem is much deeper than his sleep patterns and he sounds pretty awful and it sounds like in the long run you would be happier without him. He doesn't sound like he deserves you

[Osirus]

My DP often gets up at 5-5.30am to miss traffic and he's usually in bed by 9pm.

[Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp]

The bin lorry crash wasn't anything to do with the driver being tired - the guy fainted.

Tell the lazy bastard to think of another excuse.

[Alfiemoon1]

I totally get what op is feeling I am in a similar situation my hubby works permanent nights as a lorry driver. He starts about 12 am so gets up after I have put the kids to bed and is home after they have gone to school so i literally do everything he comes in watches t v with a few beers goes to bed gets up watches tv goes to work. I work as well. He doesn't get up on his nights off or holidays I am so tempted to call it a day as I honestly feel life would be easier without him. His brother works the same job and manages to do housework and gets up at tea time to see his kids as he goes to bed when he gets in but my dh refuses. I to get the u don't want me to fall a sleep at the wheel guilt trip

[sconebonjovi]

for you. He's treating you and your DCs terribly. Chuck him out, doesn't sound like you'll miss him.

[NerrSnerr]

Why are you with him? How does the relationship benefit you at all? At least if you separated you'd get a break while he had the children.

[Hopelass]

My DP works away a lot and if getting up at 5.30 would make sure he's in bed and asleep by 10 (going to bed around 9.30). We're usually up around 5.30 anyway with the toddler. I think leaving you to do all the work with the kids isn't on.

[mogloveseggs]

He is being a complete lazy bastard imo. Would your life be any different if you split? You're doing everything as it is.

[IlikePercyPig]

He sounds incredibly lazy and using emotional blackmail is very low of him.

[HandyWoman]

This man is your lodger. Not your husband. I'm horrified. Poor you, OP.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

I have, for a long time, thought he is on the Spectrum.

He will, for example, fail to help with dinner, (either actual dinner or rounding up kids to wash hands / set table type thing), answer doorbell if it goes as I am dishing up type thing - ie I can have 8 diff things going on, some of which are really urgent and he will, eg, go upstairs to start to 'shampoo a carpet' (as I don't keep it clean enough for him... he will never actually do it properly though, he will just chuck stuff around in a showy way and then start shouting)

whilst discovering IF the printer had run out of ink for crucial doc to be copied, he will go program the TV for later on for a program 'he thinks I'll like'. He then had a hissy fit about driving the 15 miles it would need to obtain the ink ('I might crash' - he knows my Father died in an RTA, btw). He never went to get it last night anyway. Another thing that if I don't sort today wont get sorted. ~And it is CRUCIAL for ds' diagnosis.

He has never had any sense of priority - I don't know if this is spectrum/dyslexia (he's dyslexic) or he is just an arse. (I do realise it can be both, and I am in no way being mean about learning difficulties, I have just spent years trying to work out which it is).

What leads me to arse however is that he is not like this with other people.
If you met him you would think he was a great guy who breaks his balls for his family daily. His 'face' for others is totally different. And it changes, as he closes the door.

[Kr1stina]

Dump him

He's not adding much to family life is he ?

At least you would get EOW off when the kids when to his place.

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

We've talked about it.
He would stay with a work colleague, and not be able to have the kids.
He says he'd 'come down at the weekends'.
I don't think I want that.
He goes through my stuff as it is.

[Kr1stina]

If you have ASD then it affects all areas of your life . Not just the things you don't want to do .

And he does have a sense of priority , it's just not the same as yours . His priority was to record the TV programme , not print the document .

Why would he help with dinner ? He has a servant, that's your job.

It's not that he CANT help you because of some learning difficulty , it's just he doesn't WANT to .

Let's face it , if you screw up everytime someone asks you do to something, eventually they stop asking . It's a clever plan that many men have implemented .

[Kr1stina]

Once you split up he doesn't get to come into your house . So he doesn't get to " come down ".

In that case he has to take the kids out for the day . That's what many dads do.

His colleague must love him a lot to let him stay permanently .

[paddlenorapaddle]

He's a manipulative arse is what he is but it's gone on so long I'm not sure how you can change it now 12 years is a long time

Big girl pants time he's not going to change so what are you going to do about it

While you think about it, stop being his skivvy he's got time on his hands he can wash his own stuff n cook his own food

As for being on the spectrum don't let that be another excuse to accept this rubbish from him

[DailyMailEthicalFail]

Kr1stina

He holds down a fulltime job. He was married before (she was 'poorly').
He had a house with a mortgage.
So, he CAN do 'grown up' if he needs to.
He just chooses not to.
But, apparently, I am the 'mad/unreasonable' one.
He, for example, wont make a pot of tea as: 'I wont do it to your standards and then you'll go mental'. Ditto everthing else really, even answering door or phone - just sits there and goggles at me. He doesn't help with the kids as 'they wont listen to me / do a thing I say'. Even the dog, he 'cant' walk as 'it will only behave for you'. He has a closer relationship with the rabbit than the rest of us.

I have a brother who does the whole 'men cant manage' thing, so I am used to that.
But H does it with a level of menace if he is ever 'crossed'.

Ugh.

[hugoagogo]

You are getting good advice on here, I hope you listen to it.

At the moment you are not getting any of the benefits of being married; no loving partner, no co parent, no one to help you with day to day stress and jobs, just a grumpy lodger who demands food and clean clothes.