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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH sulking, I've had enough (possible TMI)

111 replies

AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/05/2016 15:25

We've had a really busy couple of weeks and weekends with kids party and DS activities/clubs etc.

Came home from taking DS to a club this morning then DS stayed home with DH to do supposedly do his homework while I took the toddler out with me to grab some shopping.

I said we could all go to park when I got back but DH said no as "hay fever playing up" (it was ok yesterday when he spent hours in his parents garden messing about with power tools Hmm)

Got back and DD was asleep in buggy.
DS hasn't even started homework, slumped on sofa watching telly.
Loads of housework/laundry to be done and the garden is badly in need of attention so I said to DH I'll get started on garden but can he help with chores/homework.

DH started sulking because he wanted me to go in the bedroom with him and (no delicate way of saying this) give him a blow job.

He threw a strop and stomped off mumbling how he was too far down list of priorities.
Admittedly we don't have sex hardly ever but that's due to issues he's aware of.

I just feel it's the last straw today when I've been rushing about the whole weekend trying to look after everyone and everything.

I've left him to sulk and tended the garden. I just came in and realised He's been sitting in the bedroom ever since. DS was left alone watching tv and still hasn't started his sodding homework.

I'm beyond fed up now and just want to tell him to go away and not come back Sad

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 15/05/2016 18:59

He's an idiot if he's said he's ok with no sex, he's clearly not. He's handled the whole thing appalling, it really sounds like you don't like each other much

ShebaShimmyShake · 15/05/2016 19:08

I don't mean to trivialise the issue, but now I've got a mental image of some Barry White type dude swivelling through the OP's house and crooning, "I know what I wanna do tonight babe.... Make sweet sweet lurve... You know, with you down on your knees sucking my cock while I stand in a pile of dirty underwear I've neglected to wash and the kids are screaming for tea because it's four o'clock on a Sunday afternoon. Oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about, baby. Gimme some sugar...."

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 15/05/2016 19:18

*pulling his weight with kids and housework would be an excellent way of showing how much he loves you

Exactly!

HandyWoman · 15/05/2016 19:21

Oh he reminds me of my ex.... tension always ran highest at times where family life was busy with parties etc. It was almost as if the more family stuff was going on, the more he felt left out (prick) and he couldn't just roll up his sleeves and get involved. Because it was all my area. House, kids, all pink jobs. Then he would get all sulky about the lack of sex. But even he never stooped so low as to expect a BJ in the house with two young children awake in it.

OP, your life will be immeasurably better without this man in it. I've no doubt about it. Fewer jobs, fewer demands, less tension, no resentment. Immeasurably better. He is still a child. He needs to go back to his mum to finish how growing up.

My kids are sad their parents split up but they are well balanced and happy and fulfilled and still have a relationship with their dad. Crucially they are no longer living in a house where they are learning that Dad is head of the household and mum is a skivvy.

Pipbin · 15/05/2016 19:47

Any man who would willingly accept a blow job given grudgingly from a pissed of and angry woman is not worth the effort.

That said, a man is very vulnerable when you have his cock between your teeth.........

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/05/2016 20:10

wauden thank you for the book recommendation.

AnotherEmma yes I've seen their website and found them very helpful thank you.

I really can't leave though. No way would I settle for only seeing my children every other weekend. As I mentioned upthread DS has ASD, sensory issues and multiple other health problems as does DD. DS finds spending nights away from home incredibly upsetting. DD is still A baby and very clingy, both hate being away from me.

If we did split I don't know where DH would go as his parents live almost 2 hours drive away and he couldn't get from there to work each day. I couldn't afford to keep the house as I don't work currently and we've just signed another 2 year rental contract.

I also wouldn't want him having the children all weekend with the PIL as they would just feed them too much rubbish, fuck up their routines and it would set off DS migraine and vomiting again.
I know it sounds trivial but they just don't understand DS complex needs including the need for a good diet otherwise he gets ill (they think I'm mean for not letting him eat his body weight in Haribo)

Sorry rambling now and I'm not trying to make excuses I just can't see a way forwards.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 15/05/2016 20:22

Does your rental contract not have a 6 month opt out? IIRC all assured shorthold tenancy contracts have these? If you can get into your own property then everything else can fall into place? He can have contact with dc at your place etc?

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/05/2016 20:26

HandyWoman I'd have to check the paperwork but as far as I know it's 3 year contact with 2 year break clause.
But technical stuff aside, I have no idea where we'd live or where he would go and like I said there are so many other considerations. I just feel stuck Sad

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 15/05/2016 20:28

Well stay with him then, but stop giving him blow jobs!

theclick · 15/05/2016 20:30

i have him a BJ a couple of weeks ago (sorry tmi) and he was so grateful and loving for a while afterwards but now things have slipped back to normal

This is awful - he basically only treats you well if you give him sexual satisfaction? Kick him out...Sad

NameChange30 · 15/05/2016 20:30

(Where he would go wouldn't be your problem, btw. He's an adult and he could find his own place to live. And if it's not in the children's best interests for them to be away from you overnight, you could insist that doesn't happen. But whatever... It sounds like you don't want to go there.)

AcrossthePond55 · 15/05/2016 20:36

No way would I settle for only seeing my children every other weekend

Why do you think you'd only see them EOW? The very 'worst' would be 50/50 and if you're a SAHM and he works full time it's more likely you'll have majority residence, especially if the children are very young and have special needs.

Would you consider speaking to a solicitor? It doesn't mean you have to actually do anything. Just gather information as to what your options are.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/05/2016 20:46

anotherEmma and AccrossthePond*
I worded that badly, of course I'd see the children during the week but he'd want at least 50-50 and I'd miss them so much.
I dont have the mental strength or money for a long fight through solicitors.

OP posts:
BoatyMcBoat · 15/05/2016 20:57

Your children wouldn't have to go for the whole w/e immediately. You could work out a schedule, starting with short meetings, where he takes them out to tea a couple of times a week, building up to a Saturday afternoon or something. Overnights would come when they're happy to do them and you're happy they're not going to be fed crap.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/05/2016 21:11

Thanks Boaty as the child of divorced parents who got shunted from pillar to post and caught in the middle of horrendous custody battles I so didn't want that for my children. Sad

OP posts:
Potatoface2 · 15/05/2016 21:18

it gets worse....he moans like hell if he doesnt get much sleep, so you and your little one sleep in the lounge....what a selfish prick he is

NameChange30 · 15/05/2016 21:22

It doesn't always have to be like that.
I've experienced both (parents separated when I was very young, both found new partners, one was in a very unhappy marriage which eventually ended - but it would have been better for all of us if it had ended sooner). I still think separated parents with at least one doing their best for the children is better than unhappily married parents showing their children a terrible relationship model.

Original poster
AlwaysDancing1234 · 15/05/2016 21:24

I've read it all back and it sounds so much worse written down and so simplistic when some of you say "just leave". I just don't know if I could do that. But I'm honestly not
dismissing all of your comments and will take everything on board. Thank you to everyone who's commented.

OP posts:
AugustaFinkNottle · 15/05/2016 21:42

If you separated your husband would have to pay maintenance and you would be entitled to benefits including housing benefit. Talk to Women's Aid about the help you would be entitled to,

LadyGrey16 · 15/05/2016 21:48

It may seem like an impossibility to leave - or to get him to leave - but there are things you can start to consider and I agree speaking to a solicitor would be a good place to begin. A large part of the reason it feels so impossible to make changes is because you are so emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted and if nothing changes this vicious circle will only continue, I'm sure you deserve better.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 15/05/2016 21:49

I would try counselling, even sexual counselling? I know he's acted really badly, like a child, but is he a decent guy with you otherwise? What was your relationship like in the beginning? Has it tumbled into just surviving day to day. I'm really not sticking up for him, but he may be very stupidly expressing his rejection from you - if he can't cuddle you at night too. Sexual counselling would tell you both to step back from 'pestering' - would he take that one board? - and getting back to just feeling close and intimate.

NameChange30 · 15/05/2016 21:59

Augusta That's what I said, although I didn't mention Women's Aid - actually I think that if all the OP wants is benefits advice it would be better for her to talk to CAB. (However if she feels her husband is abusive and she wants specialist advice on that, of course Women's Aid would be the best bet.)

BitOutOfPractice · 15/05/2016 23:26

It wouldn't destroy DS if you leave. It might destroy you if you stay

sadie9 · 15/05/2016 23:41

I am with Bananas on this one. Not to excuse the way he did what he did, however it may be difficult for him to hear his wife say they can never have sex again. When there was a time when they did. Also if there was one BJ before he may be assuming there will be more. It's lack of communication really. And unclear expectations of what the future physical relationship will be.
There may be a way for you both to get along and have your needs met, in ways that the other can manage and not be pressurised. Him to get some sort of physical affection and you to be in a place where you are comfortable.
It is difficult with small kids. There just aren't those unpressurised relaxed moments together any more. When kids come along stuff that 'just happened' before has to be planned. Things that weren't talked about before - like when, where and how do we have sexual intimacy now... have to be talked about. It's not easy. Maybe you could sit down and have a talk about it earlier in the evening just after the kids go to sleep and see what's doable. It sounds like he is trying to express something which is coming out in the form of huffs and these demands on you.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs · 16/05/2016 03:29

Why would he even want 50/50 custody? They have complex needs and he can barely be bothered right now, right? I would bet my house that he won't be the slightest bit interested in more than minimal visitation.

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