DH sulking, I've had enough (possible TMI)

[AlwaysDancing1234]

We've had a really busy couple of weeks and weekends with kids party and DS activities/clubs etc.

Came home from taking DS to a club this morning then DS stayed home with DH to do supposedly do his homework while I took the toddler out with me to grab some shopping.

I said we could all go to park when I got back but DH said no as "hay fever playing up" (it was ok yesterday when he spent hours in his parents garden messing about with power tools )

Got back and DD was asleep in buggy.
DS hasn't even started homework, slumped on sofa watching telly.
Loads of housework/laundry to be done and the garden is badly in need of attention so I said to DH I'll get started on garden but can he help with chores/homework.

DH started sulking because he wanted me to go in the bedroom with him and (no delicate way of saying this) give him a blow job.

He threw a strop and stomped off mumbling how he was too far down list of priorities.
Admittedly we don't have sex hardly ever but that's due to issues he's aware of.

I just feel it's the last straw today when I've been rushing about the whole weekend trying to look after everyone and everything.

I've left him to sulk and tended the garden. I just came in and realised He's been sitting in the bedroom ever since. DS was left alone watching tv and still hasn't started his sodding homework.

I'm beyond fed up now and just want to tell him to go away and not come back

Your husband can make himself comfortable on the sofa. That's where he needs to be, I think.

Sorry struggling to keep up with messages.
Extrahotlatte he's always been pretty shit at housework (lived with parents when we met and his mum practically did everything for him).
I've had some counselling in the past to deal with my abusive upbringing and issues but not presently as its like picking at a scab to open a wound and I'm just not ready to go any further. Also the NHS option was miles away and would take about 3 hours to get there, do session and get back.
Can't afford private and wouldn't be able to fit it all in around everything else that's going on.

To put it bluntly, he should go and have a wank if he feels the need to get rid of his dirty water sorry not decide he's going to wank into your mouth, and then act like a spoiled 3 year old when you tell him that's not happening.

I'm so sorry, you seem to have more than enough on your plate without your H being a complete cock.

Oh ok Lyingwitch nothing exciting then.
Im at home, he's still sulking but dinner is in oven.
I suppose I'd better get school stuff ready for tomorrow (sigh)

palmer thank you
And thanks to all of you. I can't speak to anyone in 'real life' do you lovely people are keeping me sane right now.

How come he had the energy and ability to help out his own parents and not his wife & DC?

What is all that about?

Whilst he will miss the physical contact, demanding it from you is not going to help him. You have many valid reasons why you don't want to do it at the moment. If he's moaning about lack of sleep too, I guess you are dealing with all the issues with your dc alone.

Does he demand more than he gives? If so, he is unlikely to change. That's fundamental to his personality. People like that only change if it benefits them somehow, not to be giving.

Also, he should be financially supporting your counselling if the nhs option is not practical.

It never ceases to amaze me how many men fail to understand that when you act like a pig and treat your partner like shit, they are less, not more likely to want to have sex with you

I know, I completely agree. And a grown man sulking that his demand for a BJ was denied is probably the least likely thing to get a woman in the mood.

It might, if she has a shockingly low opinion of herself, break her down so she gives in and does it. But it won't make her like, fancy or feel turned on at all, and that's coercion in my book anyway. And nobody likes that guy understatement

It's coercion in my book too equating to 'Give me a bj and I (might) be nicer/help more'
One word, YUCK.
He's behaving like a disgusting, privileged pig.

one of the first things that struck me was about asking him to "help" with chores. It's not "help". They are his children and you share the house so he should be doing equal chores when not at work, or however you divvy that up - even if your arrangement is for him to do gardening or whatever, the word "help" suggests to me that he sees all this as your job?

Doesn't sound like unconditional love. If it was me I'd be saying help more or you're out!

We (as a family) can't afford private counselling, sorry should have made that clear rickety
I honestly don't know where to go from here.
I am currently SAHM with no income of my own. We've just entered a 2 year rental contract on our house. It really would destroy DS. I don't know what to think or do

I think he is very manipulative; he is manipulating you into feeling guilty. This is absolutely no criticism of you in any way at all, please note.

A good book is 'Dragon Slippers: This is what an abusive relationship looks like' by Rosalind B Penfold. It describes one situation that may not be yours but it did ring a bell...

Does he really not understand that if he behaved like a loving husband and father - doing chores equally and parenting children properly - that you would then have more time and energy, and would feel more like giving him attention (let alone a bj)? Does he really not get that? Is he stupid?

TBH, it might be better for you if were to send him back to his mum for a little while.

Oh, and you and dd should be sleeping in the bed. If he can't cope with that, then he moves to the sofa.

He sounds very immature, spoiled and quite unpleasant, and as others have pointed out, he has a hand of his own doesn't he? Or is he too lazy to do that for himself as well.. Sex should be a mutual thing, please don't be bullied into providing sexual gratification purely because he is asking for it, it's so selfish.
It may be accurate in some cases that men apparently 'need' sex to feel loved and women need to feel loved to have sex but in this day and age I think (hope!) we're a bit further down the line than that in terms of communication.

It sounds exactly like abuse in it's simplest form. "Give me a BJ or I will treat you like shit and withhold my affection until you do".

I would tell him that's what it is, too. Then tell him to drop the attitude or leave.

Have you thought about life as a single parent? It sounds easier than likely than living with him. However if you offer an ultimatum you must follow through.

I remember as a teen my then boyfriend try that sort of seduction technique of being critical, not washing and just generally a joy sucker. It didn't work.

The whole "I want to express my love for you physically" guff would hold more water if he wanted to make you come too or pleasure you in some way. Did he mention anything he planned to do for you? Even just a massage if you're not able to have sex or climax yourself?

Don't get me wrong,I enjoy giving BJs (apologies for the TMI) but I'd have no interest doing it for a man who didn't care about my pleasure, and thought that alone was some selfless expression of mutual love. After all, pulling his weight with kids and housework would be an excellent way of showing how much he loves you.

I always said that sharing care of children and home was the best aphrodisiac. Ex just did not get it. That is why he is ex.

💐 I'm sorry you can't/don't feel able to have any counselling at the moment.

One of my ex's moved straight from his mummy's to a house we rented together. Absolute bloody nightmare. He was capable of doing everything, when we argued discussed it, he agreed we needed to share the housework, cooking etc but it just never happened, he was always 'too busy'...

Only you know whether your relationship is 'sortable' and if you want to try to 'sort it', or whether it's beyond help.

From an outsiders POV he sounds like a lazy arse who thinks the house & children are your responsibility, and he sulks, I can't abide sulkers.

He also sounds incredibly stupid & immature.

I can understand him wanting a sexual relationship with his wife and I think it's hard for most people if that's withdrawn for any reason. It's natural to feel hurt & rejected - even if intellectually you know it's not down to you. I do think the person that changes the playing field needs to address the reason and either sort it out or tell the other person that they no longer want a sexual relationship, so the other person can decide what they want to do about that. No one should feel obliged or pressured into sex with their partner, but likewise the other person shouldn't be expected to be totally fine with being in a sexless marriage.

If I was him I'd be very unhappy if I thought you weren't doing anything to address the problem and things were just going to stay like this. Of course, being an adult with a brain, I wouldn't be requesting middle of a Sunday afternoon blowjobs (obviously all well & good in a relationship where you're both up for it), it's just such an immature & selfish thing to ask for in a situation like this. You don't want to be intimate with him due to past abuse, so the fuckwit requests a blow job?! It's just so uncaring & self absorbed.

You'll be happier alone.

DS will not be 'destroyed'. He'll probably actually be happier in a home without arguing parents.

Kick his sorry, sexually abusive, wankbutter arse out. You deserve so much more!

latte I've said on many occasions that I don't think I'll be able to have full sex ever again, I've been very honest and said if that's a deal breaker then so be it. But he always says no it's fine etc etc.

geek I don't think I can go down that road yet

sheba no he didn't offer a massage or anything. Last time I gave the BJ he offered to reciprocate bit again the children were awake and in the house so even if I didn't have huge issues with sex there was no way I could say yes.

Sorry I can't answer everyone's comments individually but I am reading them all and appreciate all of you taking the time to comment.

OP, I'm sorry to say this but your husband is awful. It's hard to tell based on this thread alone, but given your history of abuse in childhood, I wouldn't be surprised if he's abusive too. Either way he's not a good partner, is he?!

Have you ever been in touch with NAPAC for support? They have a helpline and a few support groups:
napac.org.uk/survivors-2/

There is also the Freedom Programme which could be very helpful to you.

If you decide to separate, you would entitled to child maintenance from him as well as a number of benefits (income support, child benefit, child tax credits, housing benefit, council tax reduction). So financially you could cope. And practically it sounds like he doesn't contribute much anyway!