My divorced boyfriend doesn't want to get married again

[WishingandDreaming]

Apologies if this is long, but I'm hoping for advice/words of wisdom...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. On our first date we talked about a million things, but at one point the topic of marriage came up and we both said "I have no desire to get married again". We were both previously married to others (me for 14 years, him for 10) and both have children from those marriages. To be honest, I was 21 the first time and more in love with the idea of a wedding than the actual marriage, and really too immature to appreciate the finality of what I was doing. My boyfriend was also quite young and has told me that he never really wanted to get married the first time but his ex pressured him by proposing and saying either we get married or we break up. Of course the marriages didn't work out (for different reasons) and when we met in 2013 I had been separated for 3 years (divorce now finalized), and he had been separated for 2 years (they are still technically married).

Fast forward to now and we have purchased a home and moved in together with all of our children. Because his ex proposed and made him feel pressured, I have always been very careful not to pressure him for commitment in any way. I was ready to move in together after a year, but waited until he suggested it so that I knew HE was ready and not just doing it to make me happy.

He has stated a number of times over the last 3 years that "marriage is just a piece of paper" and that "couples can spend years together happy but once they get married it all falls apart". I have always believed in marriage, but when we had our first date I was being completely honest when I said I had no desire to get married again. Three years ago I didn't think anyone was worth the risk, but then I met HIM. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He's the perfect guy for me and we've talked openly about growing old together. But in all honesty I feel silly at my age (mid-40's) referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. Plus (and this may seem materialistic) without a wedding ring it's not obvious to the world-at-large that I am "taken". All of a sudden I want to marry him more than anything. Where the first time I just cared about the wedding, now all I care about is being his wife. My children share a last name with their father, and my boyfriend shares a name with his children, but I am the only person in our little family with my last name.

My question is.. how do I get what I want without making him feel like I'm pressuring him or god forbid, proposing to him myself? One time when the topic came up (we have mutual friends discussing marriage) and my boyfriend said "I don't understand why women care about this piece of paper so much! If you want to get married, we'll get married! if you want to be Mrs. XXX, then fine, we'll get married, I don't care that much". But I want to get married because HE wants it, not because he's he thinks he "has to" to make me happy. If we got married under those circumstances I think he will one day regret it and feel like I pushed him into it. We have a fabulous relationship all around and I was never happy with my ex-husband like this.

Should I just be happy with what I have and try to let it go?

Just to be clear.. he is not divorced, but they have a separation agreement filed with the courts.

So he's still married and she still has all the rights associated with that.

Yes I'm banging on about it

A few years ago DP's sister died in an accident; she been with her DP for over 10 years.

He thought they were 'common law married'.

No one would even talk to him; banks; insurance; her work union and on and on: we had to sort it all out; well DP as her NOK.

Now we had and still have a good relationship with him; but it made a distressing and stressful time even worse.

He'd get a letter or a statement; he'd have to call us (different countries) we'd have to call whoever and 'give' him authority to deal with cancelling cards; accounts etc

Thankfully they lived in his house; ironically we'd been concerned that her name wasn't on the deeds of the house they owned.

Now imagine if we hadn't had a good relationship with him. . .

He'd have had no say in her funeral arrangements and final resting place.

He'd have lost a huge amount of money; all their savings were in her name.

Their dog was registered in her name; legally DP could have taken him...........

They just assumed that because they'd lived together so long they had 'rights'

You don't

Someone told my adult daughter recently that after being in a relationship for 7 years she gains some kind of protection by law. I can only assume that they meant a common law wife type set up. It's very worrying that people can still believe this stuff and live their lives accordingly.

Where exactly are you "listed" as non existent common law wife?

There's no such thing as 'common law wife.' It has no recognition in law. Your relationship has no standing.

If he became ill, his wife is his legal next of kin. She would make all decisions about his medical treatment. She would be legally responsible for arranging his funeral and she would be given his ashes. She could claim bereavement allowance, widow's pension and his entire estate under intestacy laws.

You are nowhere in anything right now. You are a lodger who has invested money that has no legal protection.

Even if he gets divorced, his parents would then become his legal next of kin, not you. They would have full control of his medical management, funeral, ashes and estate. Not you.

Marriage is what makes you the legal next of kin. People have this utterly ridiculous notion about a piece of paper - the cold hard reality is relationships have no standing in law and no legal protection without it.

Whether or not the issue was forced before has no bearing on whether he marries you. Forget the ring and the name, you have no standing as OW to a still married man.

A separation agreement counts for ratshit and doesn't protect you or your children. Buying a house with a married man was insanity.

You need independent legal advice ASAP alone - and then for him to get divorced. Then, if he won't marry you, either leave or get proper legal advice to at least get yourself and your kids' interests protected.

Then I sure hope you live in a country where there is such a thing as common law marriage, Buuny, since you are also not married to your partner.

I cannot believe people are so foolish as to buy property with a boyfriend who is still married.

Thank you everyone for pointing out how INSANE, STUPID and FOOLISH I am. Very helpful. (Yes, that was sarcasm). My original question has been answered, and now I have another issue to stress about.

I live in Canada btw.. and at our bank (on our joint account) we are listed as common law. When we file our taxes, we are listed as common law. The home/life/disability insurance purchased for our home has us listed as common law. Yes - I am aware that it is not a legally binding position. And I'll say again.. I plan on discussing it with him, insisting on a divorce and I'm planning on taking my questions to a lawyer (yes - BY MYSELF), as well as having the lawyer review our wills the way they are now.

I appreciate everyone's input, even the less than polite ones - thank you! I will be sorting this!

A quick google (this is a hobby horse of mine) suggests that in some provinces in Canada there is common law marriage, but it does not necessarily give you the same rights as married couples. And you have to have lived together for at least a year (in some provinces 3 years) before you gain any rights at all.

His wife now has a claim on your house. Seek independent advice. Tomorrow.

I think kids should be taught this stuff in school. These unhelpful urban myths re common law are very unhelpful. Speaking as English trained lawyer can't comment on Canada but in the uk you would stuffed and I too have seen this happen.

To be fair your OP was an emotional question not a legal one. But as people were trying to help you look out for your interests, as soon as it turned to a legal discussion it would have saved people wasting their time if you'd mentioned you were in Canada. It not being obvious on a UK site and all!

So annoying when people don't mention something very important like....they are not in the UK. This is a UK site, people quoting the law will be quoting UK law!!

Surely you can't be his common-law wife ANYWHERE when he's married to someone else?!

Agree with hermione. I'm sure there's no Country in the world that gives a live in girlfriend any similar rights to a bona fide wife. Glad you're going to take legal advice OP.

Wow you sound ad if your writing my own life story right now. I understand the point of view of everyone saying leave it alone and just the enjoy the relationship you have now, which I am totally happy with my boyfriend too. My only real reason for wanting to get married is the legal issues...what if (god forbid) something happens to him? You would have no legal say so in medical decisions, You would have no legal right to any assets nothing...what then? That is the part that scares me the most. I would hate to not have any decision in the love of my life's medical treatment. So for this reason I would want to be legally his and have his name and so he could be my childrens legal step father for tax purposes etc. So there is more then just the moral implications of marriage there are very good legal reasons too.

The people who have responded with comments about you supposedly being shallow and wanting a 'sparkly ring' on your finger and other such comments that infer there is something wrong with you are way off base. There IS a problem with your man's position and expectations of you that you be cool with what isn't cool. He is legally married to someone else. Even if he wasn't, he is clearly unwilling to offer you what he offered another woman. This is HIS issue, not yours. I've grown so weary of people indicating that there is something wrong with women like us who have no hangups, limitations, barriers or baggage being told that WE are supposedly damaged because we give and are willing to give and share all of ourselves and our lives fully and completely and we want, expect and need the same from a partner. It's not "just a piece of paper'. If it was, he'd offer to sign it readily and willingly. I feel for you because I have been in a similar situation. In the end, my relationship tanked because his negativity was actually far more pervasive and extended to more than the marriage issue. We can't always help who we fall in love with, but do NOT make anyone make you feel as though there is something wrong with you for wanting what should be yours and has been the 'norm' for centuries - full, unreserved, fair, unobstructed commitment in every way. There's no easy way to resolve what you find yourself experiencing, but always remember that you are the one whose love is pure, true and unfettered. Godspeed.

So you're helping his ex wife in any claims of infidelity seeing as how he's sleeping with another woman while married. And you've given her another house to put a claim on in a divorce.

And youre worried about him marrying you? You've got bigger problems.

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