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Relationships

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Original poster

My divorced boyfriend doesn't want to get married again

116 replies

WishingandDreaming · 13/05/2016 20:47

Apologies if this is long, but I'm hoping for advice/words of wisdom...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. On our first date we talked about a million things, but at one point the topic of marriage came up and we both said "I have no desire to get married again". We were both previously married to others (me for 14 years, him for 10) and both have children from those marriages. To be honest, I was 21 the first time and more in love with the idea of a wedding than the actual marriage, and really too immature to appreciate the finality of what I was doing. My boyfriend was also quite young and has told me that he never really wanted to get married the first time but his ex pressured him by proposing and saying either we get married or we break up. Of course the marriages didn't work out (for different reasons) and when we met in 2013 I had been separated for 3 years (divorce now finalized), and he had been separated for 2 years (they are still technically married).

Fast forward to now and we have purchased a home and moved in together with all of our children. Because his ex proposed and made him feel pressured, I have always been very careful not to pressure him for commitment in any way. I was ready to move in together after a year, but waited until he suggested it so that I knew HE was ready and not just doing it to make me happy.

He has stated a number of times over the last 3 years that "marriage is just a piece of paper" and that "couples can spend years together happy but once they get married it all falls apart". I have always believed in marriage, but when we had our first date I was being completely honest when I said I had no desire to get married again. Three years ago I didn't think anyone was worth the risk, but then I met HIM. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He's the perfect guy for me and we've talked openly about growing old together. But in all honesty I feel silly at my age (mid-40's) referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. Plus (and this may seem materialistic) without a wedding ring it's not obvious to the world-at-large that I am "taken". All of a sudden I want to marry him more than anything. Where the first time I just cared about the wedding, now all I care about is being his wife. My children share a last name with their father, and my boyfriend shares a name with his children, but I am the only person in our little family with my last name.

My question is.. how do I get what I want without making him feel like I'm pressuring him or god forbid, proposing to him myself? One time when the topic came up (we have mutual friends discussing marriage) and my boyfriend said "I don't understand why women care about this piece of paper so much! If you want to get married, we'll get married! if you want to be Mrs. XXX, then fine, we'll get married, I don't care that much". But I want to get married because HE wants it, not because he's he thinks he "has to" to make me happy. If we got married under those circumstances I think he will one day regret it and feel like I pushed him into it. We have a fabulous relationship all around and I was never happy with my ex-husband like this.

Should I just be happy with what I have and try to let it go?

OP posts:

wallywobbles · 14/05/2016 04:29

Go together to get legal advice so you both understand the consequences of not being married.

I'm in France and we have done this. We will be getting married once he is finally divorced. It will have taken 4 years for the divorce.

During our discussion with the notaire it became clear that of all the options marriage was the most suitable one to protect us and our respective children.

We are selling our house to move into our forever house with him. If he dies I don't want to be left homeless with my kids. Equally if I die my kids must be able to stay in their home (with him and his kids).

I think taking legal advice will probably get you what you want. We use both our surnames as a double barreled name even though we aren't married.

Only1scoop · 14/05/2016 04:37

I'm 'taken'

What a horrible turn of phrase.

Concentrate on the important things u life.

Bee182814 · 14/05/2016 06:03

I'm in a situation where my OH doesn't want to get married either although neither of us are divorced and we're still quite young (I'm still a few years off of thirty, he's early 30's) but already have 1 DS and DD on the way in August. We have bought a house together, been together nearly 4 years. When I found out I was pg with DS he said to me (a little after the initial conversation about whether to have the baby) that I should never expect him to propose as I would be waiting a bloody long time. At the time I was still reeling from the shock of unplanned pg and just wanted to figure out how we were going to pull everything together in time for DS's arrival so I didn't let it bother me too much. Now, a few years later, it does at times very much bother me. He has suggested (as have other pp) name changing and wearing a ring as an alternative but I'm not keen on this as it seems to me that that is more about keeping up appearances for his sake and I would feel fobbed off with that solution so I would understand you not wanting to do that. As I'm soon to have 2 DC with different surname to me I must admit I've considered the name change at times (I've also got a very common surname which I would prefer to be rid of!) deep down I know that isn't what I want and really, in the day to day it doesn't matter all that much in the greater scheme of things.

Agree with other PP about getting wills etc sorted - we are in the process of doing this at my insistence as he doesn't want to marry. Bit morbid thinking about it at my age but I see it as a necessity.

I hope that you find a solution that is agreeable to you both.

Lunar1 · 14/05/2016 06:21

You are now at near at a point to be thinking of getting married. In they eyes of the law he is married. Even with a will I'd be very worried about owning a house with a married man.

Rebecca2014 · 14/05/2016 06:42

You brought a house with a man who is still legally married? Whaaat!

Also dear you should be getting him to divorce his ex first before worrying about marriage. My ex, still married was with his girlfriend for a year, never bothered to divorce me but they were talking about trying for a baby and buying a house together. These people are idiots

Becoolio · 14/05/2016 06:48

Why do you say in your thread title that your boyfriend is divorced when he's not? It's as if you are overlooking it. Good point re what others are saying about his wife's claim on your home.

DoreenLethal · 14/05/2016 06:48

He has no desire to be married and yet - he is married!

interesting conundrum.

Minime85 · 14/05/2016 06:49

The thread has moved on a lot since I first posted. I do think everyone is right about him not being married still. My DP only just divorced and I was more bothered about that than anything else. i would definitely take legal advice re house. Even after divorce the finances still have to be sorted. you can have co habitation agreements drawn up with a solicitor to protect the house.

Bee182814 · 14/05/2016 06:55

Didn't realise he was still married! Definitely take legal advice on where you stand with the house too!

PotteringAlong · 14/05/2016 07:01

I'm echoing everyone else; you're completely nuts to be buying a house to someone who is married to someone else. Why hasn't he got divorced?

sandgrown · 14/05/2016 07:01

I am like your boyfriend. Ex-husband left for OW and took all our money . DC and I had a rough time. I have been with DP 15 years and we have a child and a house. I have things sorted financially but have no desire to marry him (or anybody else!) . He has stopped asking now!

flowery · 14/05/2016 07:07

He'd been separated for two years in 2013, but three years later he's still not divorced? And you've bought a house with him?

ForalltheSaints · 14/05/2016 07:42

I have known several people who have no wish to marry again after a divorce.

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2016 07:55

There are two things here. You need, urgently, to find out why he was not divorced, and make that happen asap. And you need to talk to a solicitor on your own to find out where you stand in the meantime.

But he is perfectly within his rights not to want to get married. Just make sure you have the legalities sorted out.

MissBattleaxe · 14/05/2016 07:56

Yy to him getting divorced. Your house of cards could come crashing down should anything happen to him whilst he's married to his current wife.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2016 08:07

Did you not seek legal advice on your own?. You have basically sleepwalked into this by also buying a house with him.

He is still married to his ex wife isn't he?. "Technically married" as you so put it means that he is still married. He is in no position to marry you at all and why is he still not divorced. For the sake of his children?.

If he was to die suddenly she could very well make a claim on his estate which includes your house.

JennyOnAPlate · 14/05/2016 08:22

As others have said, as they are still married she has a claim on his assets (I.e the house he bought with you!) if he dies. He needs to see a solicitor asap!!

Only1scoop · 14/05/2016 08:37

I actually missed the part about him still being married.

I hope you have legally secured all your assets.

I'd certainly expect him to be divorced if I was living with him

scarlets · 14/05/2016 08:45

I think you need to see a solicitor asap about your current house. Could she claim a quarter of it in the event of divorce, or half in the event of his death? I don't know, and I don't suppose you do.

Stop worrying about the ring and start worrying about the financial and domestic security of your children. Marriage is not "a piece of paper" and men who say that (and it's usually men) can be cause for concern.

ravenmum · 14/05/2016 09:04

The way I see it, if you just want to marry because of a ring and a name, you can just as easily change your name and get a ring, as if that is all you are worried about, then those superficial gestures will do you fine.

Only1scoop · 14/05/2016 09:05

Think you have far bigger fish to fry rather than a ring signifying you're....'taken'

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 14/05/2016 09:06

without a wedding ring it's not obvious to the world-at-large that I am "taken".

really? Why does that matter? Are you constantly getting hit on by opportunistic singletons?

Your DP's now been separated from his wife for 5 years (if they'd been apart 2 years when you met in 2013) so either of them could apply for a divorce on the grounds of 5 years' separation. It's very straightforward and doesn't need to be expensive, if presumably they've worked out an agreement regarding the children. I think I'd be asking myself questions about why his ex hasn't done this - has she moved on with her life in the same way he has?

KERALA1 · 14/05/2016 09:07

If you are cohabiting with a technically married person please please get legal advice or at least do you wills.

If he got hit by a bus tomorrow and is "technically" married his wife takes the first £250k and half the remainder, kids other half of remainder. Google joy williams and Norman Martin.

Becoolio · 14/05/2016 09:09

Is op coming back?

HandyWoman · 14/05/2016 09:41

I think maybe OP hasn't moved on that much from when she was 18 and is still concerned with rings, surnames, 'being his wife' and appearing to the world as 'taken' (ugh I absolutely detest that phrase) and hadn't actually thought too much about the ramifications mentioned in the latter half of this thread. Marriage is actually not just a piece of paper is it. I hope the OP is OK.

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