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Original poster

My divorced boyfriend doesn't want to get married again

116 replies

WishingandDreaming · 13/05/2016 20:47

Apologies if this is long, but I'm hoping for advice/words of wisdom...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. On our first date we talked about a million things, but at one point the topic of marriage came up and we both said "I have no desire to get married again". We were both previously married to others (me for 14 years, him for 10) and both have children from those marriages. To be honest, I was 21 the first time and more in love with the idea of a wedding than the actual marriage, and really too immature to appreciate the finality of what I was doing. My boyfriend was also quite young and has told me that he never really wanted to get married the first time but his ex pressured him by proposing and saying either we get married or we break up. Of course the marriages didn't work out (for different reasons) and when we met in 2013 I had been separated for 3 years (divorce now finalized), and he had been separated for 2 years (they are still technically married).

Fast forward to now and we have purchased a home and moved in together with all of our children. Because his ex proposed and made him feel pressured, I have always been very careful not to pressure him for commitment in any way. I was ready to move in together after a year, but waited until he suggested it so that I knew HE was ready and not just doing it to make me happy.

He has stated a number of times over the last 3 years that "marriage is just a piece of paper" and that "couples can spend years together happy but once they get married it all falls apart". I have always believed in marriage, but when we had our first date I was being completely honest when I said I had no desire to get married again. Three years ago I didn't think anyone was worth the risk, but then I met HIM. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He's the perfect guy for me and we've talked openly about growing old together. But in all honesty I feel silly at my age (mid-40's) referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. Plus (and this may seem materialistic) without a wedding ring it's not obvious to the world-at-large that I am "taken". All of a sudden I want to marry him more than anything. Where the first time I just cared about the wedding, now all I care about is being his wife. My children share a last name with their father, and my boyfriend shares a name with his children, but I am the only person in our little family with my last name.

My question is.. how do I get what I want without making him feel like I'm pressuring him or god forbid, proposing to him myself? One time when the topic came up (we have mutual friends discussing marriage) and my boyfriend said "I don't understand why women care about this piece of paper so much! If you want to get married, we'll get married! if you want to be Mrs. XXX, then fine, we'll get married, I don't care that much". But I want to get married because HE wants it, not because he's he thinks he "has to" to make me happy. If we got married under those circumstances I think he will one day regret it and feel like I pushed him into it. We have a fabulous relationship all around and I was never happy with my ex-husband like this.

Should I just be happy with what I have and try to let it go? Sad

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 14/05/2016 09:44

And marriage is "just a piece of paper - like a passport or a £50 note is

firesidechat · 14/05/2016 10:06

I think you need to see a solicitor asap about your current house. Could she claim a quarter of it in the event of divorce, or half in the event of his death? I don't know, and I don't suppose you do.

She could indeed make a claim on the house when your boyfriend divorces. A friend was selling a house to a man in the middle of a divorce and the man had to pull out when his solicitor pointed out to him that his wife could claim on the new property. It was recommended that he only buy a new house once the divorce was finalised.

Becoolio · 14/05/2016 10:09

Yes in the divorce proceedings all finances and assets are put in the pot and divided.

Becoolio · 14/05/2016 10:10

If there is a lot of equity in the house eg if it has gained in value since you bought it, she will have a claim on that profit.

Minime85 · 14/05/2016 11:22

Finances are a separate part to the divorce. You can have nisi granted and then get finances sorted. OP are you ok? Wondering if you weren't expecting the comments on finances. Please don't hide from the reality of it. I understand the want to be someone's wife I do but equally the most important thing is him not being married to someone else and then just living happily together married or not?

HermioneJeanGranger · 14/05/2016 11:36

Please, please, please see a solicitor. You shouldn't have bought a house with him while he's still married to his ex, she can get half of your house!

CommonBurdock · 14/05/2016 11:57

Marriage is a terrible thing to do to yourself. Religious or psuedo-religious State-controlled bullshit. I regret ever allowing myself to be convinced it was a good idea. Most stupid mistake of my life.

If you've got a good relationship cherish it. Love him and love your kids. If other people want to dress up like meringues and spend an absolute fortune on getting shitfaced at boring receptions let them.

Zaurak · 14/05/2016 12:05

It's not about white dresses and getting shitfaced. It's not about pseudo religious crap. It's a financial and legal contract that protects the weaker party and the assists for the children
Op, the ring and the frock are irrelevant but you've been very very naive to buy a house with a married man! You need legal advice urgently

Isetan · 14/05/2016 12:26

My question is.. how do I get what I want without making him feel like I'm pressuring him or god forbid, proposing to him myself?. If what you want is ultimately something he doesn't, than you can't.

Have to agree with the other posters, buying property with somebody who is financially connected with someone else isn't smart.

CommonBurdock · 14/05/2016 12:35

Bollocks. Marriage does nothing to protect anyone but makes people deeply unhappy because they are forcing themselves to enter into a contract and make promises that statistically 40% of people (that's being generous) can't keep, while the other 60% spend half their lives moaning about being married or pretending it's all fine or wanting something/someone else and when it all goes tits up there are no winners only losers, financially and emotionally. Divorce destroys lives. I'd rather play the lottery than take a gamble on a marriage working out.

BoGrainger · 14/05/2016 12:45

You've been together 3 years and he's only been separated 2 years.He's not divorced and you've bought a house together. You seriously have to make sure your financial arrangements are bolted down and secure. Why isn't he divorced yet?

BoGrainger · 14/05/2016 12:46

Sorry, misread about the 2 year thing.

HappyJanuary · 14/05/2016 12:47

Untangling two lives is miserable and complicated whether you're married or not.

But if you're going to share finances, purchase assets and have children with someone then doing so as a married person affords protection to the financially weaker partner.

expatinscotland · 14/05/2016 13:02

Of course he doesn't want to marry again, he can't, that would be bigamy because he is still married. Your biggest worry should be the fact that his wife could have a claim on the house you live in.

iminshock · 14/05/2016 13:10

Commonburdock, genius !!

BonerSibary · 14/05/2016 17:07

Bollocks. Marriage does nothing to protect anyone

Fraid not. Marriage offers various legal and financial provisions that can't be obtained any other way, and some of them protect some people. A person who was being maintained by a spouse who died without a will gets the protection of the intestacy provisions because of her (because odds are it'd be a woman) married status. She'd be considerably worse off unmarried in that scenario. A person who SAH'd to raise children while her spouse (because again, more likely to be a woman) built up his business, became wealthy and accumulated a nice pension would have the possibility of being given a share by a court in the event of a split, because of her marriage. This isn't foolproof, by any means, but the number of people receiving spousal maintenance is above zero and therefore marriage has done something to protect some people. There are widows and widowers living in homes they might've had to sell to pay IHT if they weren't married, because their marriage protected them.

By all means oppose marriage, take the view that these protections don't outweigh the downsides. But don't pretend they don't exist. Meanwhile OP, make sure he gets divorced ffs.

feelingdizzy · 14/05/2016 17:18

I am divorced many years ago,I will never marry again, barely saw the need the first time,never mind a second time.It really isn't that unusual.
Can't believe he isn't divorced,I had been seperated about 2 years before filing for divorce.Since seperating I had bought my own house,with my own money.A house my exh had never set foot in and he made an attempt to have my house made part of the divorce settlement.Your partner is in exactly the same position.Be careful it all sounds very messy.

Skiptonlass · 14/05/2016 17:55

Burdock, relationships sometimes break up. That's true of the married and the unmarried. I've never been a white dress fantasist and I understand the arguments that marriage is paternalistic blah blah but right now it's the only easy way to legally protect yourself and your children. It's not just about divorce - sadly people get sick and die. This has happened to two couples we know (and we are only in our 30s.) the widow who was married is ok financially. The partner who wasn't married was not. Even civil partnership doesn't quite protect you legally in quite the same way.
I know several women who've become sahms at the behest of their partners and been utterly shafted when he's run off with someone else. If they'd been married they and their kids would have been much better off.
You don't need a church or any religious trappings. We got hitched in Sweden where you enter the room hand in hand to symbolise unity in marriage. No bridezilla behaviour or spending a fortune just friends and a knees up.
My view may not be participating romantic but life isn't sometimes. We got married with a view to life together as a partnership not for a white dress and a big rock.

leopole · 14/05/2016 18:02

I've been in this situation as well and it took me a 10 year wait WishingandDreaming and all I can say to you is this: GIVE IT TIME ... If you both stand the test of time, he will eventually change his mind and want to marry you. Just as my husband eventually did ... And in actual fact my Aunts now husband did, after 35 years of being together!! ... If hes worth waiting for, sit tight :)

expatinscotland · 14/05/2016 18:08

Oh, yeah, well worth waiting for a man who is still fucking married to another person.

BertrandRussell · 14/05/2016 18:11

"'ve been in this situation as well and it took me a 10 year wait WishingandDreaming and all I can say to you is this: GIVE IT TIME ... If you both stand the test of time, he will eventually change his mind and want to marry you. Just as my husband eventually did ... And in actual fact my Aunts now husband did, after 35 years of being together!! ... If hes worth waiting for, sit tight smile"

This is probably the worst piece of advice I have ever seen given on Mumsnet. And bloody hell, there's been some competition

leopole · 14/05/2016 19:35

Ha-ha... Maybe I misread the whole thing then, she needs to get rid then..

Kidnapped · 14/05/2016 19:41

There you go, OP. Just stick it out for 35 years and then maybe by that time he'll be divorced from his wife. WishingandDreaming Smile

SandyY2K · 14/05/2016 20:19

Marriage is not just a piece of paper.. I really hate it when that's said. Just like a £50 note isn't just paper. You try going to buy something with any old piece of paper and see yourself get looked at like you're a lunatic.

A marriage certificate may be a piece of paper but it's what is written on it.

A contract of employment is a piece of paper, but you try taking your employer to a tribunal without it or with any old bit of paper.

Way too many people say "it's just a piece of paper " and doesn't mean anything.. well if your GF wants to get married and you really love her... why in heavens name would you allow a piece of paper cause her to be unhappy?

Just be honest and say it's about the commitment or not wanting to loose money if you divorce ... but the piece of paper line is bull.

No woman should have a child with a man if YOU definetly want marriage. If he can't marry the mother of his child.. then he isn't worth it.

If both are happy not to get married with or without kids - then that's absolutely fine.

Advice - if you have a child and aren't married ... then double barrel your child's surname. You carry a child for 9 months and go through the pain of labour, yet the father won't marry you and it doesn't bare your name. No way.

1stsignofspring2016 · 14/05/2016 20:43

He is married so he cannot marry you

You are single

There is no such thing as "common law wife" and you have very few rights

I believe that is how the law works

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