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Original poster

My divorced boyfriend doesn't want to get married again

116 replies

WishingandDreaming · 13/05/2016 20:47

Apologies if this is long, but I'm hoping for advice/words of wisdom...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. On our first date we talked about a million things, but at one point the topic of marriage came up and we both said "I have no desire to get married again". We were both previously married to others (me for 14 years, him for 10) and both have children from those marriages. To be honest, I was 21 the first time and more in love with the idea of a wedding than the actual marriage, and really too immature to appreciate the finality of what I was doing. My boyfriend was also quite young and has told me that he never really wanted to get married the first time but his ex pressured him by proposing and saying either we get married or we break up. Of course the marriages didn't work out (for different reasons) and when we met in 2013 I had been separated for 3 years (divorce now finalized), and he had been separated for 2 years (they are still technically married).

Fast forward to now and we have purchased a home and moved in together with all of our children. Because his ex proposed and made him feel pressured, I have always been very careful not to pressure him for commitment in any way. I was ready to move in together after a year, but waited until he suggested it so that I knew HE was ready and not just doing it to make me happy.

He has stated a number of times over the last 3 years that "marriage is just a piece of paper" and that "couples can spend years together happy but once they get married it all falls apart". I have always believed in marriage, but when we had our first date I was being completely honest when I said I had no desire to get married again. Three years ago I didn't think anyone was worth the risk, but then I met HIM. This relationship is everything my first marriage wasn't. He's the perfect guy for me and we've talked openly about growing old together. But in all honesty I feel silly at my age (mid-40's) referring to him as my BOYFRIEND. Plus (and this may seem materialistic) without a wedding ring it's not obvious to the world-at-large that I am "taken". All of a sudden I want to marry him more than anything. Where the first time I just cared about the wedding, now all I care about is being his wife. My children share a last name with their father, and my boyfriend shares a name with his children, but I am the only person in our little family with my last name.

My question is.. how do I get what I want without making him feel like I'm pressuring him or god forbid, proposing to him myself? One time when the topic came up (we have mutual friends discussing marriage) and my boyfriend said "I don't understand why women care about this piece of paper so much! If you want to get married, we'll get married! if you want to be Mrs. XXX, then fine, we'll get married, I don't care that much". But I want to get married because HE wants it, not because he's he thinks he "has to" to make me happy. If we got married under those circumstances I think he will one day regret it and feel like I pushed him into it. We have a fabulous relationship all around and I was never happy with my ex-husband like this.

Should I just be happy with what I have and try to let it go? Sad

OP posts:
Jemmima · 14/05/2016 21:23

Agree with others. He is already married. If he really wanted to marry you, he would be making plans to do so ( and getting divorced).

GasLightShining · 14/05/2016 21:40

My DH and I were together over 18 years before we got married. I hadn't been married before but he had. It was me that didn't see the point as we had wills and the house was in joint names.

What did change my mind was that if anything happen to him while we were not married I would have had absolutely no claim on his work pension. Sounds grabby but we were being practical.

YoureSoSlyButSoAmI · 15/05/2016 09:52

DH and I were together for 13 years before we got married. We eventually did it for the financial security, plus the kids liked the idea of us all having the same name and so did I. And I fancied a good old meal out and a bit of a knees up.

MessyBun247 · 15/05/2016 09:57

If he doesn't want to get married then don't try and change his mind. What difference would getting married really make? If he loves you and is committed to you then having a ring on your finger won't change that.
If there's legal things you want to put in place to keep yourself financially safe then go and see a solicitor.
Enjoy the lovely life you have with your partner and children.

BonerSibary · 15/05/2016 13:46

Potentially quite a lot of difference messybun, depending on the legal and financial positions and preferences of the parties. OP certainly should see a solicitor, yes, but it won't necessarily be the case that she'll be able to get what she wants. I agree they don't necessarily need to get married, but the failure to divorce yet would really worry me. I very much hope he has a will, written for him by someone qualified to do so!

Original poster
WishingandDreaming · 16/05/2016 13:43

Thank you everyone.. you've put it more into perspective for me. It does seem a little petty to just want a ring and his name.. but I guess I just want to feel like he puts me above all others. He married his ex because she forced the issue. I could do the same, but I don't like the idea because in the long run he may regret it, whereas he could be happy the way we are the rest of our lives.

The financial stuff is sorted.. we each own 50% of the house and we put the exact same $$ in. We are listed as "common-law" married. We have life/health insurance with each other listed as the beneficiary, but I really hadn't considered what happens to his half if he dies. I don't like the idea of his ex having any claim! Regardless of if we marry or not, I think I need to insist he cut ties completely with his ex so anything goes to his children and not her.

I need to discuss this with him, and now with everyone's input I feel like I can discuss it from a more practical perspective than an emotional one.

Thank you all so much!

OP posts:
Original poster
WishingandDreaming · 16/05/2016 13:51

Thank you!

OP posts:
BuunyChops · 16/05/2016 13:55

We are listed as "common-law" married . . . . no such thing in England. . . .

As for the 50/50 for the house; actually it's 50% you; 25% him; 25% his wife.

scribblegirl · 16/05/2016 13:58

What Buuny said.

You are completely unprotected. In the event he was in a coma, as PPs have referenced, ExW is his next of kin.

You say you feel silly in your 40s for being girly and swept away, so try raising it with him in a pragmatic fashion. When you have kids and a mortgage the coy thing kind of goes out of the window Wink

Goingtobeawesome · 16/05/2016 14:01

Just talk to him. If isn't just a piece of paper. Tell him if he died on the way to work tomorrow his wife easy to turn the life support off and have his money, plus the house interest.

Marthacliffscumbag · 16/05/2016 14:02

Well if your partner dies 50% of YOUR home will go to his wife.....along with his savings/pension etc. you live together yes but in the eyes of the law you may as well be his flatmate, why have divorce proceedings not been initiated? Why have you moved in with a married man?! It's an insane situation.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2016 14:08

"We are listed as "common-law" married"

Where are you so listed?.

Common law has no legal status, it means nothing in legal terms.

Also there is the not too small matter of this man you are with still being married. You are in effect the other woman. Where is he with regards to actually divorcing her?. It seems this arrangement suits him down to the ground; he also now has you to look after him.

If he was to die suddenly she will be able to make a claim on his estate. You could too easily end up with very little.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2016 14:12

This is something else that needs your careful consideration:-

If your partner dies and you were not married or in a civil partnership, and they haven’t made a will, you have no automatic entitlement to inherit anything from them, including your family home, even if it's in their name or if you own it jointly as 'tenants in common'. You would be left to make an application to court for provision from the estate as a dependent, these applications are uncertain and costly.

You are also not entitled to any state bereavement benefit or a state pension based on a percentage of your ex’s national insurance contributions, even if you stayed at home to care for children and depended on your partner’s income.

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 14:12

There is no such thing as "common law married"

And he can't be married to you in any way at all, ^because he is married to someone else"

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 14:14

And she is not his "ex" - she is his wife. Cutting ties will mean nothing unless that includes divorce.

NewLife4Me · 16/05/2016 14:16

You both agreed that you weren't going to go for marriage again and you have changed your mind.
If it's what you ultimately want then this man isn't for you, because it's clearly not what he wants.
He was honest from the start, you have changed the goal posts.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 16/05/2016 14:16

"He married his ex because she forced the issue".

Is that what he told you, I'm sure she would tell you a different story.

No-one put a gun to his head, he still has free will and he wanted to get married.

PotteringAlong · 16/05/2016 14:18

I echo everyone else. It's not common law married as it doesn't exist. He's married to someone else. She is entitled to 50% of his assets on divorce. So that now includes 25% of your house...

BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 14:25

So you've bought a house with a married man. Now, when/if he divorces his wife that house will be part of his assets. And if he dies, she gets half.

You really, really need independent legal advice. Have you been to see a solicitor by yourself?

mouldycheesefan · 16/05/2016 14:25

He is married already. He has a wife. You are in effect the other woman.
It would be her deciding to switch off the life support machine, her benefitting from death in service, widows pension etc, she would have power of attorney if he was incapacitated not you. His assets would go to her not the kids and not you unless he has made a will and she could challenge it even if he has.
Financially and legally it was a big mistake to buy a house and proceed with this relationship when he is already married. One or both of you have very very poor judgement.

mouldycheesefan · 16/05/2016 14:26

There is no list of people who are common law married. And even if there was, you couldn't be on it as he is real life married, as opposed to imagination married, already.

Original poster
WishingandDreaming · 16/05/2016 14:31

Just to be clear.. he is not divorced, but they have a separation agreement filed with the courts.

I realize now that my dream of being married to him is not the most important thing here. The protection of myself and my children is.

I will discuss it with him and insist that he at least divorce her and make sure our will is iron-clad in case anything happens.

Thank you all :)

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 16/05/2016 14:45

WishingandDreaming - please go and see a solicitor alone before you talk to him. Please!

Fourormore · 16/05/2016 14:48

Why say in your post title that he's your "divorced boyfriend" if he's not divorced? Hmm Very odd.

mouldycheesefan · 16/05/2016 14:56

Think she wishes he was divorced but it seems like he is happy to stay married! Considering he "never wanted to get married" he doesn't seem in any rush to end it. Seriously can't believe people would set up home with someone who is married to someone else and no timescale for divorce Nd have no idea of the issues involved. 🙄