help needed - can Ex take the kids?

[woollyscarf]

I need some advice. H and I have split up. He left 3 weeks ago, though he'd been threatening to leave for the previous 3 months.There's another woman and she seems to have been very controlling so far. They work together and seem to have done quite the job on me implying that I am unstable - and perhaps I've been acting out of character but I was never like this once in the previous years we were married. I have been really angry with the way the whole thing has happened - I even think H has been exhibiting emotionally abusive behaviours and there's a touch of gaslighting I feel. It's been a total rollercoaster. Anyway the night he left he told me that he wanted the house and the kids and wanted me to leave. Anyway, a few days after he left he rang (seven times) and when I finally spoke to him, he said that he 'He didn't want to put the wind up me' but that he was going to take this to the family court to get proper access arrangements.

I know I sound totally paranoid, but I don't trust him. All my trust for him has gone.

I'm petrified that he's going to take the children and force me out of the house.

Any advice from anyone?

I know what you mean, but don't cut off your nose to spite your face.

Work out what you want the result to be and focus on getting that rather than actively trying to piss him off. (Which I know is very tempting!)

I'm not, but it's one thing someone picking up the bill for a solicitor and quite another stumping up a couple of £100,000. At the end of the day, he may need to accept that this is the price of his freedom. I accept that I will end up moving at some point (and then he will get his share), but I want to decide when that will be. Not him. And especially not her.

How are you doing woolly?

Yeah. I'm OK. He still keeps coming up with new financial suggestions even after I've suggested waiting for mediation, even after he received my solicitor's letter, even after she said he can't just agree this in isolation - it's all part of a greater agreement. He doesn't seem to get it.

I had counselling yesterday (Relate - we were supposed to do it together) so I'm feeling a bit teary again as it makes me think about things all over again.

In other news, I went out at the weekend and got chatted up, so that was nice

yay for getting chatted up

Ex being pleasant. I'm suspicious. He said he wants kids 50 percent of the time. He has no house of his own is planning to move in with the OW who had 3 children of her own (one of them is at uni). What is the likelihood?

*has three of her own

What does your solicitor say?
You say you have a SHL but she doesn't seem to be doing much. Have you filed for divorce? Applied for prohibitive steps or similar order to ensure he returns them after contact?
We can't answer the legal questions and since you have a SHL you have to liaise with her.
Not to say you shouldn't chat it through on here! Personally I think he's very unlikely to get 50/50 but I'm not your lawyer

Well, he's only recently told me and I haven't spoken to her about it. We have mediation next week so I guess it will come up then? She's suggested that we try mediation in the first instance. I suppose that makes sense as it wouldn't get to court if we haven't gone through the process.

No - I haven't filed for divorce. Neither has he. He hasn't even engaged a solicitor.

He has been returning the children when he said he would. So far anyway. He has them now.

50/50 is to reduce his maintenance payments to as close to zero as possible, because you are both bearing half the costs of caring for them. Another standard trick.

Agree with Bogey

50/50 is so that he pays no maintenance.

He wants all his own money.

A simplistic overview of what will happen:

You will likely get between 60-70% of assets if you SAHM for all those years. Including pensions. And including debt. Currently divorce courts are aiming for clean breaks.

If you can figure out the maths and have an idea of what the pot of money is, then I would aim for settlement in mediation.

And go to CSA because he strikes me that money is his biggest motivator. He doesn't want you to have any. Whilst he isn't living with OW, he can pay his fair share.

Once he does move in with her, he can apply to them to have it adjusted.

And in the meantime petition for divorce immediately. Just do it. Don't be provocative. Just state unreasonable behaviour that you can no longer communicate causing the marriage to breakdown. You won't get him to admit in writing his adultery. Or have a photo of them shagging so just take the easy non provocative road.

And disengage. !!

50:50 isn't in the best interests of the DC, it isn't what they are used to etc.

All about the maintenance IMHO

My solicitor said maintenance would be dealt with via CSA...There was no property involved so unless he is self employed. I agree with the others go through CSA.. He seems to be planning to move in with OW and this will affect his maintenance.

If he keeps putting proposals ignore ...You have already answered..Any questions other than how are the kids? arrangements for contact should be answered but anything else ignore..

We had mediation today. He wants them 50/50 but I've suggested one overnight a week with every other weekend as a baseline. Additional days in the future are a possibility - if the kids want to. He's happy for me to stay in the house (good) and happy for me to take over the mortgage (he jumped at that) but wants one of the triggers for him being paid the equity in the house when I am in a new relationship (WTAF? So it's OK for him to have a new relationship, but if I have one it will cost me dearly? He also got really nasty about 'all the money that his family had put in to the house as a gift' and wants it reflected in the division of equity. He was pretty furious about that nit and his top lip went all funny.

*bit not nit

His proposal isn't a clean break divorce.

He wants a mesher order by the sounds of it. Where he continues to hold an interest and ownership in the house.

Can you afford to buy him out? Remortgage? Beating in mind he DOES NOT get 50% of the value. Does he have a good pension? You could forgoe a claim to that in exchange for a larger proportion of the house.

*bearing not beating! Tho I'm sure you like to beat him all over

So, second mediation session and it was OK-ish. He's still narky when money is mentioned. He was happy with seeing the children once during the week and every other weekend - as he's nowhere to have them, he has them at my house and I leave. Not ideal but the best of a shitty situation. Anyway, today he's pushing to introduce the children to that cow. I've told him I won't budge for the time period outlined as it's not in the children's best interests only his and hers. He's now threatening to take it to Family court. Can he? Will he get his way? I know some of you are frustrated with me - but I'm following the advice of my solicitor to try to sort this via mediation first.

Where possible a court has a duty to look for a clean break. nine times out of ten, whoever gets to stay in the marital home does so with a clause - usually until the eldest child is 18, or before this if you re-marry or cohabit for more than a set period of time (usually 6 months). Then he can get his share. This is the norm i'm afraid OP.

I'm afraid he can take it to court ot get something formalised (without going to mediation first - all he has to do is show he has considered mediation.....). All he needs to do is fill in a c100 form - it will cost him a few hundred quid and you will have your case heard in court. if you can;'t agree on a schedule then a judge will decide and enforce it. My dh did this with his exw when she tried ot mess him around and drag it through mediation.

Whether he gets 50/50 will be dependant on his circumstances and whether the judge thinks this is in the best interests of the children.

I assume then that I can do something similar to challenge it then?

I'm not trying to mess him around - I'm doing as advised by my solicitor. I can't buy him out, I bring home less than £800 per month. I may be able to take on the mortgage, but that's it. The children often say they don't want to see him and they certainly are not keen on meeting the other woman.

He's agreed today to allow me to stay in the house until our youngest is 21 (he's now 5). I didn't think he would.

Also, when he has had the kids recently, he's had two pints of beer just before planning to drive the kids home. And the other night he drank 2 bottles of wine when he was with them (bear in mind he was driving them at 9am the next morning), he was also on the phone to the OW most of the night according to the children (when they were up), and was so distracted by her call that the bath he was running almost over-flowed.