help needed - can Ex take the kids?

[woollyscarf]

I need some advice. H and I have split up. He left 3 weeks ago, though he'd been threatening to leave for the previous 3 months.There's another woman and she seems to have been very controlling so far. They work together and seem to have done quite the job on me implying that I am unstable - and perhaps I've been acting out of character but I was never like this once in the previous years we were married. I have been really angry with the way the whole thing has happened - I even think H has been exhibiting emotionally abusive behaviours and there's a touch of gaslighting I feel. It's been a total rollercoaster. Anyway the night he left he told me that he wanted the house and the kids and wanted me to leave. Anyway, a few days after he left he rang (seven times) and when I finally spoke to him, he said that he 'He didn't want to put the wind up me' but that he was going to take this to the family court to get proper access arrangements.

I know I sound totally paranoid, but I don't trust him. All my trust for him has gone.

I'm petrified that he's going to take the children and force me out of the house.

Any advice from anyone?

I agree with Herald. The assumption that he is being abusive or that he's been hiding his abusive tendency throughout all of the relationship is indeed ridiculous. We all know that breakups can get messy. The OP herself admits to being 'really angry' (understandably) and 'acting out of character.' I wonder what her DH would have to say about her behaviour. As someone who has worked closely with the family court in the past, I can assure you that based on this info, this is not a DV case.

He has seen the kids. Initially he told me he wasn't going to, but then quickly told me that's not what he said. There's been a lot of that: saying one thing and then denying saying it.

Apparently, their work is supportive of their relationship because he has managed to convince them all that I am unstable.

I do feel she is the driving force behind all of this. Not just because I feel wronged, but because he sounds like he's reading someone else's script. I have known him for the best part of 30 years and I don't know who he is or what he is capable of any more.

No - it's true he has not been violent, but there has been some seriously troubling emotional stuff from him. My friend who works with victims of DV said this is exactly what he's been doing.

Poor you. Document everything. He is a class A abusive arsehole. Regarding threats of court 'yes it's probably for the best as I've had enough of your threats'. Minimal contact- email - is the way to go.

They can say what they like about you being unstable Woolly. You don't sound unstable to me. Maybe uncertain because of all the crap they're throwing at you.

You're holding down a job and raising two kids and putting up with them gas lighting and carrying on.

It's difficult to ignore when you're in shock and feeling the injustice, but you really should just switch off to them. I listened to this kind of stuff and I shouldn't have. It was all hot air and bluff.

Your ex is behaving how he wants to and though she's a part of this divorce, his behaviour is his responsibility.

I hope you get resolution on all of this soon. Best wishes

Remember its not going to be his friends at work who decide what is best for the children etc. Its going to be you two if you can agree or legal professionals who have seen it all before.
If money is no object, then go for the best SHL (shit hot lawyer) you can. Only have communication in writing, and preferably only regarding the children, everything else through lawyers.

And being mentally ill/on anti-depressants etc. etc. is not necessarily a reason children will be moved from a settled home. He probably wants the house more than the kids, but knows whoever has custody of them is likely to get the greater share of the house.

He's just been today and it's gone really badly. Bear in mind he came last Sunday for lunch and to see the children here (he is living only with a relative - he doesn't have his own place). It was a nice day. DD wasn't happy - she's pretty angry with him, understandably, and he was trying to talk to her even though she'd asked him to leave her alone. He then told her that she would meet the OW at some point. This is just two weeks after he left. Talk about insensitive. He had been going to stay to put them to bed but I asked him to leave straight away.

He came on Wednesday again. He also stayed for food, but didn't put them to bed as I was going out. I wasn't happy to see him as I was still annoyed about the previous visit.

On Thursday he rang to say goodnight to the DCs and he was nearby so I said that if he wanted to come and see he kids he could. He did. It was more pleasant. I asked him if he wanted to stay for dinner, but he didn't. I gave him a couple of beers to take home. He arranged to come to school the next morning to see one of DCs get an award.

Friday morning (yesterday) he arrives at school with a face like thunder and heMs really hostile. I couldn't get out of him what the problem was. He left before seeing DC get award as the assembly went on a bit and he had a meeting. He rang later and said he was sorry that he was off but he'd been a bit annoyed about 'arrangements', but he didn't want to go into it. I asked him if he wanted to come and see the children but he said he couldn't as he's already had a glass of wine.

He arrives this morning to take the kids to swimming lessons. Walks in hardly acknowledges me. Speaks to me through the DCs and complains about me to them about my lack of organisational skills regarding the swimming equipment. The morning continues in a frosty manor. He says that he's frustrated that he doesn't get to see the children on his own, but I point out that he has nowhere to have them. The bad feeling escalates and he becomes quite aggressive in his manor. I tell him that I am not stopping him seeing the DCs but he says that he won't come back to the house to see them because I am making it nasty. He then goes in to talk the children about when he's next going to see them. I told them Daddy's not going to be tucking them in and putting them to bed, anymore like he has been (they've come to expect this). One DC is very upset and runs after him and crying as he's leaving. At which point he bends down to cuddle him and says 'You fucking bitch!' It was loud enough to hear so I'm pretty sure that DC will have heard it.

You really need to get a lawyer and sort out regular contact away from your home.

He can't be walking into your home and treating you like an emotional and verbal punchbag depending on his mood.

The children and everyone will benefit from regular arranged contact.

It will also be easier to move on if he's not in your home, playing happy families as it suits him.

It is not always down to a mediator.

No mediation with mine has even been suggested with the courts because of DV

If you are a SAHP and in the weaker position and there is DV (OP has already mentioned that this is a possibility) there is absolutely nothing wrong with exploring that aspect and seeing if you can get legal aid.

I'm confused by the assumption that looking into getting legal aid somehow pre-empts a baseline of non 50:50 parenting.

It doesn't.

Legal aid is not listed anywhere in the welfare list a judge has to consider when in CA proceedings.

Convincing people you are unstable?

Saying he wants you to move out?

You have been feeling gas lighted?

OP call up Women's Aid and ask for help and information - DV can be incredibly subversive and you may not even realise the extent to which you have been experiencing it if this is in fact the case.

"He says that he's frustrated that he doesn't get to see the children on his own, but I point out that he has nowhere to have them."

He's the one who left for pastures new. It's his responsibility to have somewhere to take the children, even if it's to the park or a pizza restaurant.

What he does not do is to come and go into the children's home as and when he feels like it. He doesn't live there any longer, so is not entitled to use their home for visits if you don't want him over the threshold. He co-owns the house so can enforce access to the family home but it would take a court-order, not his say-so.

You need a divorce as soon as humanly possible, sort out the financials, home-ownership and be shot of him. You own or rent a property he has no financial interest in, and he can have the children on days and times you agree between you and he collects them at the door or on neutral ground elsewhere.

He needs to collect your DC and take them out. He doesn't come into the house, and certainly doesn't get a meal.

If you let him in the house it is stopping it being a safe place for the DC and you. So do not allow it. He can be a MacDonalds Dad or whatever.

Stop letting him come to the house
Stop feeding him dinner and giving him alcohol to take away with him ( what ??? )
Stop letting him make these casual arrangements to see the kids as and when it suits him
If he's not happy with their swim kit and towels he needs to go out and buy some for them to use when they are out with him

Why are your doing this ? You are letting him be Disney dad while you stay at home and clean the house . And presumably wash the swim kit . And tidy the kitchen while he reads them stories .

Good old dad. Boring old mum .

This is not a good plan . Seriously .

I fear you are doing the pick me dance .

My ex originally came to the family home to see our children. All was well for a few weeks, then on two occasions he decided to try and pick an argument. I texted him that I would not be accepting his behaviour in my home. From now on all contact would be text or email, and he could drop off and pick up outside the house. This has worked fine, and apart from the odd flurry of angry texts there's no drama.

It may be your shared house legally/financially, but now that he's left it's your home with the children. It's not your problem if he has no other "home" to take them at the moment. Don't play his game, just text/email about contact with the children. Keep a record of everything he and you send to each other.

You wouldn't let me walk into your home and call you a f***g bitch. He's no different, and it's worse because he's the father of your children and they were there to hear it. You say that now after 30 years you feel you don't know him anymore. That's probably a good way to approach him, like a potentially harmful stranger.

Sorry you're going through this. I really do think he's lost the right to have lunch in his former home and to tuck the kids in. It stinks all round, but he's made his choice, left for another woman and trying to treat you like shit. No, just no.

Too right - he does not set foot over the threshold and fgs stop feeding him. If he has to take them to McDonald's then quite frankly that is his problem. He made this mess. How old are your DC btw?

Also the OW may be the devil incarnate, but don't blame his shitty behaviour on her. She may be telling him to jump but he is the one who decides what he does, not her. He is perfectly capable of saying no.

I agree with Summer, don't give any thought to the OW and the effect she may be having on him. She can't have wiped out his personality of the last 30 years in a matter of months, unless you believe in witchcraft?!

It's tempting to try and blame his behaviour, or some of it, on her, as it's so painful to think that this is all down to his choices. It won't help in the long run though, as you'll make excuses for him that he doesn't deserve, and allow him the benefit of the doubt that may be harmful to you and your children.

He suffered a close bereavement in December. I think there's been a whole load of things that have contributed to the way he is behaving now. I think it's part MLC, too. I'm not doing the pick me dance - really. I'm done with him. I was doing this because the counsellor we saw briefly suggested we do this for the children. However, I'm beginning to think the counsellor may have been full of shit.

Also, I'm off out tonight and he knows it. He tends to pick a fight every time (I don't go out often) I go out.

I agree that you can bear in mind some extenuating circumstances, but that's often only possible if he does the same for you. Picking a fight before he knows you're about to go out is certainly not thinking of how you must be struggling at the moment. A better person would have some sort of regard to the fact that you're trying to maintain your social life. Sounds like his better side's disappeared as well as the rest of him.

As for the counsellor, it may have been a reasonable suggestion at the time, but in reality it's not worked out. You tried, can't do more than that.

Don't let him know in future when you are going out. Pay for babysitters. Go out when he has contact - not at your house.
Don't let him control you.

Well, initially I thought I'd be nice and ask him to look after DCs, but the DD said she didn't want him to as he spends all his time on his phone to OW. And then I had a wobble that he might try and snatch them.

I can't believe he's being like this.

Hmmmm. No more Mrs Nice Woolly.

It's very hard to stop being nice because that's your default, despite all the twattery he's displaying towards you.

Eventually the niceness will disappear, and you'll be left with just being an adult, being fair and thinking of your children. It sounds cold and harsh but it does make your life so much easier.

Oh, and as for him wanting the children full time, is that the children he ignores when he's "babysitting" in order for him to spend time on the phone to the OW ? I think that is such a hollow threat you can hear the echoes miles away.

There's absolutely no fucking way that any body could turn a caring and invested parent into such an arsehole so bloody quickly. Its totally your prerogative to rationalise his twattery but whatever his excuses for behaving like a shit, it doesn't matter, your responsibility is to limit your exposure to it.

For the sake of your mental health, you must disengage from him a.s.s.a.p and start engaging with a lawyer. The sooner you do this the sooner his twattery is documented.

You may be right - but he has turned into this person pretty quickly and he is furious with me. Everything is my fault, he says. I realise that he's going to say this as he must be feeling really guilty and ashamed of the way he is behaving and for what he has done. I know that he is projecting all of this on to me and making it be my fault because that's easier for him to deal with than having to look at his own behaviour. It's still horrible, though. I've been getting on really well, coping and happy - and I just began to think that we might stop being angry with each other in time and then he turns it on its head again and makes me feel anxious and uncertain again.

I had a couple of texts yesterday - one saying this clearly isn't working the way we are communicating and he wants to see the DCs without me either at the park, or in my house when I am not there. Ignored it. Then at half 9ish I got another one (which didn't sound written by him) asking if I had had any thoughts on his suggestion and that he struggled to see how I would not allow him as their father to see the DCs on a one to one basis. Ignored that one, too.

I am ringing my solicitor today and the mediation service (I had told him this when he was here). I will reply to him after I have done that.