help needed - can Ex take the kids?

[woollyscarf]

I need some advice. H and I have split up. He left 3 weeks ago, though he'd been threatening to leave for the previous 3 months.There's another woman and she seems to have been very controlling so far. They work together and seem to have done quite the job on me implying that I am unstable - and perhaps I've been acting out of character but I was never like this once in the previous years we were married. I have been really angry with the way the whole thing has happened - I even think H has been exhibiting emotionally abusive behaviours and there's a touch of gaslighting I feel. It's been a total rollercoaster. Anyway the night he left he told me that he wanted the house and the kids and wanted me to leave. Anyway, a few days after he left he rang (seven times) and when I finally spoke to him, he said that he 'He didn't want to put the wind up me' but that he was going to take this to the family court to get proper access arrangements.

I know I sound totally paranoid, but I don't trust him. All my trust for him has gone.

I'm petrified that he's going to take the children and force me out of the house.

Any advice from anyone?

If you really think he wouldn't return the children you can get an interim prohibitive steps order.

Only communicate with him via writing.

Keep a diary.

Don't be at all surprised if he starts playing dirty.

Make your fuckwit bingo cards; maya swell make this as bearable as possible.

I've not seen this little gem yet:

'I am not your support network'

I rang my solicitor yesterday. She said 'Oh dear. Shall we send him a letter?'

She said she wouldn't put any 'heat' in it, but it was still pretty firm and a little bit terrifying. It should arrive in time for the weekend

He took the kids to the park and brought them home. He said to them - 'this is nice, isn't it? I'm really looking forward to when we can spend more time together'

He still has no home for them, no bedroom, no beds. I said that I won't have him introducing that woman to them for a year. He said 'I can't agree to that'. I'm not budging on this one. Meeting her is not in the best interests of the children, it's normalising and legitimising his awful decisions and feeding her vanity (I'm pretty sure much of this is about her exerting control over my life too as I had the audacity to challenge her).

Even better. I've just had an email saying that he is willing to take on our debts and it will cost him about £200 per month. So, what he's proposing is to pay me £200 less than the £600 he proposed yesterday - £400 for 4 primary school aged children. So, doesn't that essentially mean that I'm paying the loan off?!

What do I need to include in my fuckwit bingo?

Ok, I'll start

I'm only interested in the welfare of my children (when his actions blatantly say the opposite)
I can't believe you're using the children as weapons against me.
I'm sorry but I cannot have the children today because (insert something that benefits him in some way)
You're being really unfair
If you just did xyz I wouldn't have to behave this way
You started this
Money, that's all you want
You're sucking me dry

I call House!

You're alienating the children from me
I would like to assist you but...
I am not your support system
You are clearly unable to prioritise
It has come to my attention that (insert some headfucking bollocks that shifts all the blame onto you)
You are not thinking about the welfare of our children

My solicitor says (insert more headfucking bollocks)
You clearly need therapy/tablets/a labotomy and I'm worried that the children are not safe in your care
You're an alcoholic/unstable/hysterical/incapable blah blah blah

I had hoped that we could be amicable...

I will jack in my job and get full custody.
You were only after me for my money.
The children will hate you for this.
You are going to screw me out of xxx
Turn the children against me
Think of the children
Letting the kids down last minute
Calling you crazy, psychotic, screw loose etc.

You MUST ring a bell and celebrate (once he has gone) if he calls you Bad Mum. Bad Mum is THE best prize.

Has he contacted you about the solicitor letter?

Shit, then I won the prize by month two!!!!

No he's not had the letter yet.

He keeps trying out new variations of the debt solution. Today's is that I take on the overdraft on the joint account and he takes on the overdraft of the credit card, but he still wants to pay me £400 per month while he keeps £1500 for himself and that woman. I'm expecting to be called money grabbing but as far as I can see the only trying to grab the money is that harpy.

I've had:

You're out to get me!
You're going to screw me over
I don't love you, I don't even like you - why would I, you're nuts
You're unstable
You fucking bitch (the kids heard that)
You seem upset: have I done something to upset you?

Right on track, then 😡

Jesus what a prick!! Good luck with it all and don't forget karma is a fucking bitch and it will bite him in the ass when he least expects it!!

Op

Looks like this could get nasty. Do yourself a massive favour and ensure all contact is via email. This way every single thing is recorded ready for the judge to see. He will be aware of this, be cautious of what you write.

Do apply to the CSA.

Do reconsider your stance on the DC meeting Ow, a judge will never ban meeting a gf or bf - only if they pose a risk

The judge thinks with his head - not his heart

Good luck

Well, the only other thing is that allegedly her ex husband was violent and hospitalised her. Apparently, she and her children have been in fear of her life (she sent me a text saying as much). Are my children safe in a house with her?

Would a judge expect me to put my children at risk, too?

I'm pretty certain that she is making this nasty. I know my husband is capable of it and he can make his own decisions, but I do feel he is her puppet. I feel very much that I'm communicating with her but that he is the mouthpiece - do you know what I mean?

And because she seems so in control of this whole situation, my solicitor feels that mediation is the better way forward. Her reasoning is that if we send him letters, they can discuss them and come up with a response together, whereas, in mediation, it's me and him. She's not allowed to be there and therefore, she loses control.

I've noticed there have a been a couple of times where he and I have been getting on really well, then the next time I've seen him, he's been in a foul mood - seemingly out of nowhere and he'll be in a shitty mood. And the only thing that has happened is he seems to have either phoned or spoken to her - I'm under no illusion that she is extremely cunning and sly and manipulative. It's funny, he's unsurprisingly, recently accused me of being controlling - I don't think I am, but if I am, I've got nothing on her. And I don't know how he can't see it. I guess he's so in love with her and swept away with it all. Hopefully it'll dawn on him soon.

Oh - and as for fuckwit bingo, this is probably my favourite:

After insisting that he can force me to sell the house ('I've taken legal advice!'), I pointed out that I believed I could stay until our youngest was 18 (another 13 years) at which point, he sort of made a noise between a cry and a whine and delivered this beauty:

'Why won't you let me move on with my life?!'

I have a feeling he may have also stamped his foot.

Get advice on the absolute minimum that he can pay you (and assume that he's living with her and therefore can reduce maintenance if she has kids), and budget on that basis.

If you can't afford the mortgage on that basis then you may have to sell the house.

I can afford the mortgage - it's around a couple of hundred a month. Way cheaper than any rent he'll be paying.

That's great, that should mean you can stay in your home until the kids are adults.

Your solicitors comment "oh dear, shall we send him a letter", worries me slightly.

Every letter she sends will cost you money. If it's something you can sort out either at mediation or in court that is a better option for you.

It doesn't matter. I have a very wealthy relative who is paying for my solicitor's fees. They don't care how many letters are sent. They have said the solicitor is to do what it takes to secure my position.

Why don't they just pay your ex off, buy him out of the house and you have no worries?

I suppose it may come to that in time. But not yet. And part of me is resistant, mainly because he's been stamping his feet, making demands and calling all the shots.