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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help needed - can Ex take the kids?

129 replies

woollyscarf · 13/05/2016 18:16

I need some advice. H and I have split up. He left 3 weeks ago, though he'd been threatening to leave for the previous 3 months.There's another woman and she seems to have been very controlling so far. They work together and seem to have done quite the job on me implying that I am unstable - and perhaps I've been acting out of character but I was never like this once in the previous years we were married. I have been really angry with the way the whole thing has happened - I even think H has been exhibiting emotionally abusive behaviours and there's a touch of gaslighting I feel. It's been a total rollercoaster. Anyway the night he left he told me that he wanted the house and the kids and wanted me to leave. Anyway, a few days after he left he rang (seven times) and when I finally spoke to him, he said that he 'He didn't want to put the wind up me' but that he was going to take this to the family court to get proper access arrangements.

I know I sound totally paranoid, but I don't trust him. All my trust for him has gone.

I'm petrified that he's going to take the children and force me out of the house.

Any advice from anyone?

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 16/05/2016 09:03

No - he does not have access in your house and he certainly does not spend time there without you there. And he can fuck off with the texts. His contact is his problem. Doorstep handover only.

bibliomania · 16/05/2016 09:30

Not sure why you wouldn't let him see the DCs without you at the park? Not in the home, I agree, but I don't see a problem with the park.

Original poster
woollyscarf · 16/05/2016 15:38

Because I think he won't bring them back.

OP posts:
mummytime · 16/05/2016 16:25

woollyscarf if you really don't think he would bring them back then you need to go a legal route and fast. You could post on the legal board here for advice on what steps to take to make sure if he doesn't bring them back that the police will get involved.
If he doesn't bring them back you then need to report him - and this will create evidence that his is unreliable and not safe to have access to the children.

If you thought there was any chance he would flee the country then you need to make sure he cannot access their passports etc. and warn the border agencies.

bibliomania · 16/05/2016 16:43

This isn't sustainable. You will need to get a written agreement. The expectation is that this will be first by mediation - courts see an order as a last resort.

Original poster
woollyscarf · 16/05/2016 17:48

I have my mediation session on Friday. Assuming they think we are suitable, he will then be invited.

I have also phones my solicitor today, explained the situation and my worries and she will hopefully ring me back in a day or two.

In the meantime, he has sent more emails - seemingly trying to coerce me into putting in a text that he can't see the children. I said that we can discuss everything at mediation and that in the meantime, I am happy for him to see the children as before at our house. I can't see what other option I have. I will know more when I speak to my solicitor. I feel like he is bullying me into making decisions I don't want to make.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 16/05/2016 19:09

So contact centre may be the best option. Has he said he will take them and not bring them back?

tipsytrifle · 16/05/2016 19:32

If you're frightened he might not bring the dc back does this mean he has somewhere to actually re-home them? I'm wondering if this totally natural fear of yours is, in reality, unlikely to happen because he's a twat who doesn't want custody anyway

If your gut is really and truly fearing he won't bring the back then you need legal advice asap. For sure you need to exclude him from your home and offers of appeasement like dinner and beers but I totally understand why you have been allowing this, given your fear.

tipsytrifle · 16/05/2016 19:40

Meant to add that his texts are trying to get you to deny contact and it is very wise of you not to respond in any way that supports his game. He's probably looking to ensure contact rather than residency, I think. In case it looks to others that he doesn't give a shit and later comes to regret that actually, he didn't. Or just to make you out as Bad while he's the poor man excluded from his dc by evil you; as in purely to hurt you and flex his non-existent muscle.

nicenewdusters · 16/05/2016 20:06

As you're worried that he may leave with the children and not return I can see why you're letting him into the family home. If this has to be done for a few more days/weeks, can it be along the lines that you are there, but that he does not speak to you ? If he can't agree to this then frankly he's denying himself access, as you don't have to put up with his insults and behaviour.

What would be your grounds for thinking he would take the children ?

Original poster
woollyscarf · 21/05/2016 11:49

He's taking them swimming.

OP posts:
Dodgeballqueen · 21/05/2016 17:00

Been in your position before so I know exactly how it feels (only ex lived abroad).

Has everything gone okay today?

Stay strong x

Froginapan · 21/05/2016 19:41

How are you doing, Wooly?

Original poster
woollyscarf · 22/05/2016 14:29

I'm OK. I've been a bit teary this week - a friend I thought had my back has, it seems, been telling people I deserved this and brought it on myself. I've had a difficult week with my eldest who is trying to push my buttons because she's angry. So I have been a bit weepy. Anyway, yesterday he said 'You seem a bit a bit upset: have I done something to upset you?'

He actually really said that.

OP posts:
Froginapan · 27/05/2016 10:27

Classic gas lighting (and setting you up to fail too) there in that question.

If you skirt around it you lose because you don't get your feelings heard/aired.

If you answer it honestly you are giving him more sticks to beat you with or he will completely deny stuff

Original poster
woollyscarf · 03/06/2016 14:41

He's started speaking to a few of my friends. He told one of them 'I'm a bit worried about Woolly'.

My friend told me this - and was sort of puzzled by it as she said that I seem loads happier and much more sociable since he's left - not that she said that to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
woollyscarf · 03/06/2016 14:46

Anyway, after a big fuss about seeing them, he saw the kids for two hours at the local park. He won't come to the house any more because 'It's not working' (what that really means is that it doesn't go his way) and he can't parent because our eldest confronts him. He's still not accepting their anger. He said that he's happy to talk them about it. I suggested that listening to what they had to say might be more appropriate. I know he'll try to give them the fairy story he has told so many times that he now believes it - that our marriage had been wrong for 5 years and he tried etc. The thing is, I had absolutely no clue about any of it until this year when he told me he wanted to leave.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/06/2016 14:59

Well she SHOULD have said that to him! He's trying to discredit you now.

I agree with the PP who said file for divorce on grounds of adultery with the OW. That stops her being able to vouch for him.

Be very, very careful with whatever you put in writing. I'd also be careful what you say in case he's recording you. Having said that, I would be recording him every single time I saw him.

You need to get angry and start fighting fire with fire, OP.

Original poster
woollyscarf · 03/06/2016 15:28

I think she would if there was a next time. It was one of those moments when she realised what she should have said.

In what way can the other woman 'vouch' for him?

We've started mediation. I told him that I didn't care if it failed (I have a Shit Hot Lawyer and someone picking up the bill for me)

Record his phonecalls or general conversations?

OP posts:
Original poster
woollyscarf · 03/06/2016 15:41

And what are the benefits of her not being able to vouch for him?

OP posts:
Original poster
woollyscarf · 07/06/2016 18:23

Right then - I need advice. He's just told me he's reducing the payments by £300 per month (currently paying £900 but it's still not covering the bills).

CSA? Tell me your experiences. I need help.

OP posts:
43percentburnt · 07/06/2016 18:44

Have you done the cms calculator? Do you know his income, including bonus, overtime etc? Who pays the mortgage?

I think he is using money as a threat to get you to toe the line - he feels you are too strong, seeing a solicitor, going out, not bending over backwards to meet his demands. Does he know someone else is picking up the bill for the solicitor?

43percentburnt · 07/06/2016 18:56

do you have copies of bank statements, his payslips, savings, mortgage, shares, pension schemes, share saves at work, Isas etc. keep copies elsewhere (not where he has access) or give to solicitor.

Hopefully this latest revelation about cutting money will ensure you get take your shl advice and take what money the legal system states you are entitled too. He is obviously prepared to cut support for his children with little warning - therefore you need to protect them financially.

Expect gold digger, only after my money and other such phrases. Expect his to say you are damaging his relationship with the children. You are turning them against him. Get a gold certificate if he tells you you are a bad mum.
You need to remain tough as he may well throw some nasty phrases at you. My friend coped by listening for them and sharing them with friends afterwards - we gave points as to how inventive/predictable his insult was! It made the crap easier for her to deal with.

Froginapan · 07/06/2016 19:31

Ooh, 43percent!!!

Fuckwit bingo 😬

43percentburnt · 07/06/2016 21:25

Yes fuckwit bingo!