DH is trying to get me pregnant against my wishes

[MrsHenryWinter]

I can't actually believe I'm writing this, it feels like a soap storyline.

I think DH is messing with our birth control after we decided not to try for anymore children.

For background, he always wanted children, I was never very bothered either way. He recently decided to go for a vasectomy and I supported his decision. Just before the appointment he decided that he wanted one more child, although I do not want anymore children. The vasectomy was cancelled so that we had more time to talk through our options.

We talked about this endlessly and I remained adamant that I didn't want more children. There were lots of tears and we finally decided to wait a year and see how we felt then.

TMI Alert!

Back to last night: we were having sex and he tried to enter me without a condom. I pushed him off and he said sorry and got a condom. I think he put it on (it was dark) but afterwards I was very wet and asked if he'd come inside me. He got a bit huffy and said no but then got up and took the 'evidence' with him. I'm 99% certain he ejaculated inside me without my permission.

I don't know what to feel about this. Apart from going to get the morning after pill with 2 young children in tow, I'm at a loss as to what to do next.

I just feel numb.

I imagine will find it equally stifling when they are old enough to draw his focus in their own right. In all likelihood it will set them up for controlling, abusive relationships in their adult lives - its not just your perception of 'normal' that he's recalibrating.

There's a line somewhere between loving / attentive and obsessive controlling / stalking. He seems to be way over that line. Way over.

Can / does he track your location?

Your children will find it stifling...

I don't know really, the guy has a lot of issues!

Yes.
I think we all agree on that.

They are HIS issues though, and for him to address IF he saw them as problems.
It is not within anybody else's powers to save him from himself.

IMO your choices are to carry on and accept that you are a well-looked after pet/house keeper/governess to your children and, of course, producer of said children, or wrestle some control back. Which is by far the scarier option with much less security and certainty and would required careful planning.

What you are living with is NOT normal and not part of healthy happy relationships between equal adults. Just to repeat that. Again. Sorry.

He's very focused on their development and happiness and it's my job to see that they are doing as well as they can.

Poor children too!
I can see their own confidence being shattered when they don't measure up to his expectations.

It's your duty to them to make sure they can develop at their own pace and go in whatever direction they want.

I'm in total shock really.

Good God.

When I say constant I mean constant.

If you were to mentally or physically map out each hour of the day, each week, when you'd have to be available to answer his contact or do something for him, what might that look like? And what portion of your time do you get to think about you and your kids, and then time for just you?

I did that with my perp and it turned out to be literally 24/7. Even the 4-5 hours I was asleep weren't me time, as he didn't sleep and would wake me up in the middle of the night for sex (and sometimes, didn't wake me). What you said about not being able to go to the supermarket on weekends was exactly the same restriction mine put on me. His reasoning was the weekends were "his" time, and my focus was to be on him, not chores I should have done in the week while he was in work.

It won't help to show him the mapping, he likely knows exactly the demands he's making on your time and attention, and definitely won't feel horrified or remorseful, let alone change. But it may help you get a clearer idea in your mind how unreasonable his behaviour towards you is. And once you have that, hold on to it like your life depends on it.

With regards to your OP, keep in mind if he's broken your trust enough to lie about using a condom, there is every chance he could try something while you're unconscious/asleep (unless you're a really light sleeper, but even then...) if he wants to be extra sure, or suspects you took action like taking the MAP. So if like the other day you think something isn't right, and suspect he tried it again, make a note of it (here would be good, so he can't delete it) and see your gp or the nurse. Maybe consider seeing a different doctor to your usual one, if your doc is also his one.

Again, you're doing really well with the situation you're in, and you're getting some wonderful advice from the lovely people here. Make sure you're keeping your browsing history clear of links to this site or any others linked to help. Consider changing your passwords for e-mail, this site, and online banking, and where possible enable extra login security - but only if you feel it safe to. If he would notice and it would cause problems for you, stick to being discrete and deleting everything as you go along, clear your saved passwords and don't set it to remember them when you next log in. If you use chrome as a browser, log out of Google on it, and disable any synching of history and passwords etc.

Good luck MrsH! And stay safe hugs

I would hazard a guess that he is able to track your movements through your phone. You may want to check your Location Services. One place you can justify turning off your phone would be story time at the library? Might buy you a little non hassled time and it fits in well with his educational aspirations.

Would a chemist bought pregnancy tests work in this instance ? Sorry I don't have that knowledge. I suppose not. It's going to be misery waiting to know whether you are pregnant, & whether MAP has worked, & now having to have sex without consent until your next period, not knowing if he is trustworthy. ( he can mess with the condom etc.)
It has to stop. you need to find a permanent solution. the best being to leave, but in the staying scenario, you will need proper contraception, & not rely on him to use condom, & also you need to consent to sex, you are being violated every time.
This problem won't go away.

Assume he's tracking your phone.
Come up with good explanations for your whereabouts or forget the phone at home or somewhere.

Guys, the OP is not going to leave here. I think some of the advice is strongly trying to push her to leave but it seems not to fit in this particular case as it's not going to happen. She likes him.

I just want to support the OP in not getting pregnant and in carving out some privacy for herself in her life. Or at least recognise that privacy is very normal and wonderful, even in a marriage with kids.

OP please turn off your Location on your phone. It's a small thing and he may not even notice tbh, but it may give you a psychological boost. The constant phoning thing freaks me out totally, but if you like it and think it's just attentiveness then do what you like. I know you're feeling a bit worried by all the reactions. Coercion is coercion, but the first step is recognising it, and if that's all that happens here....well, it's a start.

I can see the appeal of being completely surrounded by 'love and care' when you have been chronically neglected in childhood. Neglect can leave a howling gap.

I can understand the draw to stay within that encircling cushion - especially as it comes very well furnished if you get my drift. It must feel that, after a very rocky and bleak start, you've been rewarded with unimaginable riches in all senses.

I felt something like that. Only it didn't hold up in the long run. It was hard to lose it - it looked so wonderful, so glamorous and enriching. Like a fairytale. I felt I was the luckiest person in the world and that the sun shone on me after such a terrible start in life.

OP, I'm glad that you are starting to realise that this is not a healthy, normal relationship. Seek professional advice from Womens Aid. Start making plans if possible. Please stay safe.

His tracking you isn't caring, it's a deliberate way of preventing you from planning your exit.

His behaviour's aren't accidents. He has planned to keep you prisoner.

Some of the things you are saying sound like Stockholm syndrome.

Not all cages have bars.

I am not saying you bolt for the door. You need to get support from W/A, read the Bancroft bible, you have awakened from his spell. it will take time to understand that the real you is still there somewhere. buried underneath his EA.
But you can make a plan & work towards it.

Perhaps you feel you are two broken souls clinging on to one another, protected from the world. Maybe you feel you can manage him. Perhaps this plush oasis is worth the cost.

Maybe you wonder if you can manage him? I saw Florence Foster Jenkins the other day. Don't know if you've seen it but that's an account - dramatised, of course - of a dysfunctional relationship that worked for both of them. The crucial difference is they didn't have kids.

Current popular psychology holds that relationships have to be in the (rigidly) right place at all times. That straying into barred territory necessitates an immediate cessation of said relationship forthwith. That perfection is attainable - should be attainable - and anything less is discarded. Everyone after perfection.

There are a lot of relationships out there that are far from perfect; are messy in a whole host of ways. I still sometimes wonder if I could have been able to manage him, perhaps we could have hobbled along, the good outweighing the bad.

I'm sure I'll get hammered for saying this. Long time supporter of victims of domestic abuse, horrifyingly abused myself. My mother has managed the above. The only thing that sticks is the cost to her kids. It's been a very, very high cost - we're all fucked up to buggery.

Gawd, he sounds overbearing and so intense..... and that's being polite.

or forget the phone at home or somewhere.

If it's out of character for her to forget her phone, that will be a big red flag to him that something is amiss at least. If he is the ordered and controlled individual he comes across as here, the "unknown" could have him reacting unpredictably. He may start with stepping up his mind games, and it's important at this point for MrsHW to solidify in herself what reality actually is, not what he says it to be.

e.g. Reality: her being contactable by him at all times is not a realistic expectation of her from him, nor is it reasonable or always possible. Him needing to know where she is and what she is doing at all times is the level of concern one only usually has for a very young child in their care, or say an elderly person with dementia or similar.

His "Reality": her being contactable at all times is 100% possible, she is cable of dealing with any eventuality that may make it impossible, so it doesn't happen. Him wanting to contact her whenever and wherever just shows he is worried about her wellbeing and loves her.

He likes me to be with him all the time. He follows me round the house, sits with me as I have a bath etc.

My bloody poodle does that. So I stuff it in its crate so I can get half an hour without somebody's beady eyes going 'Wot you doing? Look at me! Look at me!'

(Sorry, OP, but even if he didn't sound dire in other ways this single thing would drive me mad.)

It's rape. Pure and simple. You were not informed well enough to have unprotected sex and your dh chose not to use a condom even though you told him he had to. I'd also be wary that in future each condom is safe. If that means you hand them to him so you can check they have not been tampered with, so be it. Assuming of course you want to stay with him after this.

As for permanent prevention, I've been sterilised via essure. They put implants in your tubes which cause scar tissue and block them. It's a very quick and simple procedure compared to standard sterilisation. The actual procedure took maybe 10-15 minutes. I think I was at the hospital about 4 hours all in, mostly waiting around.

I've got to have a particular scan to make sure it's worked but the initial follow up is an internal scan to make sure they can see the blockage/implants are where they're supposed to be. The further scan for me is because she couldn't see one of them properly but we know it went higher anyway.

As with any treatment, some people get on with it better than others. For me, the short lived discomfort far outweighed any other contraception.

"Living it day to day it isn't scary or claustrophobic. He's nice and kind to me."

This was chilling to read. The extent of his control sounds terrifying to me (and most of us, I suspect) but to you it's completely normal I think the PP who mentioned Stockholm Syndrome is right.

Stockholm Syndrome: the mystery of loving an abuser

I'm in total shock too. This is all so chilling. It is such a shame you haven't got supportive siblings or parents nearby. I wonder if that was part of your appeal.

I can ask to have a few minutes alone

really? You have to ask?

This whole story, particularly your two posts of 08:56 and 08:45, sound exactly like my df's level of "care and attention" to my dm when we were growing up and the obsession he had with our development. My dm also thought his behaviour was nice and kind until we started saying no. It was extremely smothering and the control got more and more physical as we got older and stopped listening to him. It was a horrific situation to grow up in and has left very long lasting deep psychological damage to me, my sister and our dm. I promise you, your DC will not appreciate you staying.
One of my final memories of my df is him chasing us down a motorway with my dm driving trying to see through her tears and my older sister screaming down the phone to the police.

There are various factors that could come into play
-is he older
-what cultures are involved
-potential religious attitudes about family, possibly on his part

There is a cost-benefit to this - the benefits of staying in this relationship, which has positive points, versus the unpleasantness and risks of trying to leave and the situation of being a single parent. I have a friend who left a difficult relationship and initially felt triumphant but now wishes at least at times that she had tried to make the marriage work.

Really, only you can decide what you want. It would be great if you could feel empowered enough to do that.

Also, it doesn't follow that because he is texting, emailing and phoning so often that he necessarily isn't having an affair as well. It sounds as though he is calling all the shots, he conceivably could timetable other woma/en into that.