Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[Fourormore]

As Time said - "the interests of the child" isn't as clear cut as one parent deciding what is best. Both parents can have different views on what is "best", and neither is wrong or right, just different.
And in the absense of agreement, the parties do have to follow the order. That's why they are made. What's the point of them otherwise?
If there are sufficient grounds to return to court to vary or discharge the order, then the order may be changed. If the order breaks down, it still has to be followed or it can be enforced. And then the parties are required to follow the new order.
This seems sensible given that the court make the order in what they believe to be the best interests of the child.
Of course the parties can attempt to make agreements outside of this but where they can't, they have to respect the boundaries of the order. Anything else is unnecessary conflict.

[Offred]

Which is why, rather than relying on people's opinions on the internet I think the op should get some legal advice.

Either parent can refuse to comply with the order then have their decisions examined by the court. The order is made based on the court's view of the best interests of the child taking into account the information they had at the time.

If things change it may undermine the validity of the order - like if one parent moves further away etc

[Fourormore]

Either parent can refuse to comply with the order then have their decisions examined by the court.

Can, but should not.

[StuckOutreManche]

I am aghast that this man has punched his child in the stomach yet still has unsupervised contact.

Did anyone watch the news last night regarding the case of the 4 year old killed by her father as revenge for not getting custody of another child?

There are more serious issues here than the swimming gala and I feel very sorry for the OP because she must be under constant stress over this awful man.

Also - as a parent who has spent an inordinate amount of time on the side of the swimming pool/football pitch/tennis courts/helping at cubs/guides etc over the last 20 years I think that these things are a very important part of parenting.

[Offred]

Why not?

What's the alternative?

[Fourormore]

Why not? Are you serious? You're involved in family law and you're asking me why a parent shouldn't breach a court order?

The alternative, as you well know, is applying for a variation and sticking to the order until it is changed.

[crazymammy]

Can I suggest something which is probably a bit naughty?? Ignore the court order on those weekends. Keep your DS and take him to the events he really wants to go to. ExH is being shockingly unreasonable and in all honesty it's what I'd do. There is no way I'd let DD miss out because her dad is being a numpty.
I don't know what the repercussions would be, if any, but I'm sure any judge would come down on your side if necessary.

[Fourormore]

From Re H - "74. I regard parental manipulation of children, of which I distressingly see an enormous amount, as exceptionally harmful. It distorts the relationship of the child not only with the parent but with the outside world. Children who are suborned into flouting court orders are given extremely damaging messages about the extent to which authority can be disregarded and given the impression that compliance with adult expectations is optional."

[Iggi999]

I think your parent putting your interests first could be a positive message for your child.
Obviously we can't judge in this case which option is in the child's best interest, but if the facts are as presented then attending a gala would be. Not everything is subjective.

[NickiFury]

"Children who are suborned into flouting court orders are given extremely damaging messages about the extent to which authority can be disregarded and given the impression that compliance with adult expectations is optional."

Sometimes it is optional and sometimes authority should be disregarded.

[Fourormore]

Well I'll leave that to you to argue with the Court of Appeal then.

I despair sometimes. I really do. What is the point of having a family court at all if orders are disregarded as soon as it doesn't suit you? What is the point of spending thousands of pounds getting a court order if it's fine to just ignore it because you think you know better?

[NickiFury]

And I prefer not to impart the message to children that they have to do and be compliant what adults say no matter how shit then find myself wondering why they are incapable of self advocation and find themselves in abusive relationships later in life.

[blindsider]

Does you husband drive the 90 minutes to pick your son up and bring him back again?

[Fourormore]

Because there isn't a healthy middle ground?

[NickiFury]

Not according to a frightening number of posters on this thread who are insisting that What Dad Says Goes and that there can be no request for flexibility from the ex wife and Childs mother.

[peggyundercrackers]

frightening number? what all 4 or 5 of us ... btw no one is suggesting what dad says goes. what we are all saying is the reasons for change are subjective and not necessarily in the childs best interest.

[Fourormore]

You mean those of us saying that the OP is bound by a court order and has to either follow that, make an alternate agreement with the father or apply for a variation? Not quite the same as "what dad says goes".

[Oswin]

Fourormore when reading most threads do you assume the op is lying? Naaa it's cuz it's an ex wife thread.
You are offensive. Because you have a bad experience with a ex wife you think it's ok to cast doubt on the op.

Now I have only mainly known shit abusive nrps. Really crap.

So while you might say your dh is a good dad would it be ok for me, based on my experiences only, to insinuate you are lying and actually your dh is not a good dad?

No that would be pretty fucking rude of me wouldn't it.

Don't come on to people threads and make out they are lying because of your experiences.

The op said he punched this child for fucks sake yet everyone ignores it.
This thread is shocking.

[NickiFury]

Yes a couple of you are pontificating about the court order but only to justify your "What Dad Says Goes" argument.

[NickiFury]

Well said Oswin.

[Fourormore]

I have not made out she is lying - I have said it's important to keep in mind that one parties account of the situation is just that. It's inevitably biased. I do exactly the same on all threads.
If you want to believe I'm lying about my DH, that's fine, that's your choice and will be, as you say, coloured by your experiences too.

If you have a problem with my posts then there is a report feature.

[Fourormore]

I'm not sure where the misunderstanding is coming from, Nicki, but I'm not using the court order to say that Dad should get his own way.

In short, my opinion is that this issue is not big enough to return to court over. It sucks, but it's not serious enough. If the OP thinks it is, and she is of course entitled to, then she can return the matter to court. I believe this would increase the animosity between the parties. This is bad for the child. That's what I'm saying - not that Dad should get his own way. I don't give a stuff about the Dad. I do give a stuff about the implied messages to the child.

I will not ever agree that breaching a court order over a party is a good idea.

[TimeforaNNChange]

You're involved in family law and you're asking me why a parent shouldn't breach a court order?

Based on posts here, I think someone with these attitudes will thrive in the family court environment.
But, I'm extremely jaded and cynical about the objectivity of the family court system - and threads like this only reinforce that.
At least I know that I did everything I could and it was the system, not me, that led to the outcome.

[NickiFury]

Well I disagree it is worth returning to court over. It's not just one issue, it's a number of issues and it's just going to get worse as ds gets older and has a more active social life.

How about the punch in the stomach? Do you think OP is making that up too?

[Fourormore]

Again, that's fine, you're entitled to your opinion. There isn't a right or wrong answer.

I don't know why you've put "too" at the end of that sentence. I don't think she's making anything up. I don't have the facts and therefore respond from a place of not knowing whether was is said is the objective truth or not. If it is the truth that the child was punched in the stomach then that is absolutely awful. Not only for the child, and for the mother, but also that the courts, SS and CAFCASS seemed to have dismissed it. I'm not sure what point you were trying to make by asking me that.