Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[TutanKaDashian]

When your ex has him, he is being the parent for that time. To that end, life should continue on as normally as possible for the child, including being taken to prearranged events such as the ones you have mentioned. My DP sees his kids every fortnight and is often informed that he's taking one or both of them to a party/karate grading etc. However, he just gets on with it even if he would have preferred to do something else because those things are important to his kids and he likes being part of their lives.

[MagicalMrsMistoffelees]

nincenewdusters well said!

[nicenewdusters]

I've been reading and posting on this thread and I'm not surprised you're upset Flossy.

I've witnessed a couple of non-resident fathers behaving just like your ex husband. They make a new life, and expect their children to fulfill the role they want them to play in their new reality. The fact that for the majority of the time the child lives in another place and has a whole other life is irrelevant to them. They don't want to have to engage in any of it. Mostly because for them it's boring and they're not interested in knowing the child's friends, other parents at the activities, or being part of that other life.

Yes, lots of nrp's aren't like this, but lots are, and the OP's definitely is. He's moved further away and I bet if it suited him he'd see his son less. Frankly f**k him, let him take you back to court if he sees fit. I suspect he won't. That would take effort and commitment on his part. If he did do it, from what you say it would probably only be to try and get at you.

Your son's contact time at his dad's sounds boring and miserable. Much better that his dad takes him to events that are an intrinsic part of HIS life. The fact he isn't even prepared to consider doing so, when he has nothing else arranged that would make it impossible, shows what an arse he is.

I don't think this is controlling on the part of the OP, or micromanaging the other parent's contact time. It's just common sense, fair, reasonable, and what you do when you love and care about your children. No wonder the OP is stressed out. Her ex husband has been violent towards their child and can't separate his feelings towards her from those towards his son. Thank god the child has such a great mum in the OP.

[Fourormore]

I'm not, JoMalones. I also have two children and have successfully co-parented with their Dad for ten years, including over things like this. I can see it from both sides.

[JoMalones]

Im sorry you're going through this Flossy. I agree with Offred wholeheartedly.* I believe Four* is viewing this through the eyes of a stepmother who has witnessed the other side rather than looking at this post objectively as it should be.

Contact is in best interest of the child. The child's mother is not trying to dictate or micromanage what her ex does on his weekends, she is letting him know things that are of value to their son. She is offering to swap weekends and even add extra time if her ex does not want to take her son to these events. She sounds like she is bending over backwards to help and fight for her 6 year old son so that he can do things that are important to him. In the eyes of a 6 year old, he probably doesn't care there are other ways of doing his swimming badge, if all his friends are at the gala that is a massive deal to him in his world.

I would understand if her ex had plans but it sounds more that he is using the child against his ex wife, no doubt in some bitterness he still harbours to cover the guilt from leaving for another woman. The father sounds controlling, not the mother. She isn't demanding he switches every single time there is a party but she is trying to ensure their son spends his time doing things that are important to him. His father is in the wrong to say these things aren't important as they clearly are to their son.

The fact the father has moved further away probably adds to the fact that he doesn't want his son to go to events in his home town, but refusing to swap because "it's my weekend" is putting the child second.

A child shouldn't have to grow up realising they have one shit parent and as soon as they go to senior school can refuse to see them, both parents should put the child and their interests above their own.

My children are the centre of my universe and that is where they should be.

[HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky]

Flossy sorry this is upsetting. Your X is making your lives very difficult. Ds is very lucky to have a parent like you making him a priority. You sound like you are doing a great job.

[Fourormore]

NotQuite - I'm sorry that it's getting to you. I'm glad that you and your ex were able to come to an agreement so that your children weren't faced with further conflict. I don't think anyone has said that a court order should be followed where both parents agree it needs to be changed. I'm sorry if my posts read that way. Your situation sounds distressing and I hope you can all find a way past it.

Flossy - I'm also sorry if any of my posts upset you. You're right to pick up that no one has said that the gala is not in your son's best interests. I don't think anyone feels that it would not be in his interests to go. From my perspective, it's more that the conflict arising from trying to make his father take him or let you take him is more damaging than the benefit he would get from the gala. I hope you can find a way to move forward so that your ex husband's behaviour doesn't make you ill anymore.

[Offred]

There doesn't need to be any conflict in that btw. It's a very simple issue. If the op's ex wants to make conflict over it then he will but at least the child will know where he stands regarding whether he can have interests and activities or not.

[Flossynoodle123]

Some of this has been very upsetting. The facts are set out as they are without exaggeration or embellishment. I am being made ill as a result of my ex husband's behaviour over the last 6 years. It is all about control for him. I had to abandon my plans when he walked out when DS was 11 weeks old. I make sacrifices every day for my child. If he wants to go to his school disco, he goes. Ditto his school fair. Ditto the swimming gala. I'd have to have damned good reasons not to take him to these events if they fell on my weekends. He goes because it's in his best interests to do so.
Of those who have criticised me, not one person has stated the view that it's NOT in DS's best interests to go to these activities. Most fathers would absolutely love to partake in these events with a child!
Instead he will be sitting around the father's house. Daily routine - get up. Be left in the bath for an hour on his own. Get out. Watch DVDs all day. Back in the bath for an hour on his own. Bed.
It's a great shame that the Court's in this case adopt Pearlman's view that the father can do what he wants and it's none of the mother's business because she's "hysterical"!
I can't hide the existence of these activities from DS - he is obviously told about them direct.

[Offred]

There is a court order, since then (I assume) he has moved further away. This is likely to upset the order. He is refusing to support any of the child's activities, he verbally agreed to in court when it was discussed. He refuses to allow the op to support the activities and to adjust his contact. There is nothing left to do other than to seek legal advice about having the order varied to include him supporting the activities. There is nothing left to do because he is immovable on something he told the court he would do.

I don't really get why people keep referring to the issue in dismissive terms like 'one party'. This is not the issue here and you would know that if you read the op's posts.

Four - if you are so upset because you have been in litigation for four years due to your husband refusing to do any activities with his child on 'his time' then I think he is a dick and he should share/support his child's interests. If it isn't that I don't know why you are taking it so personally or extrapolating your bad feeling from your h's ex to the op.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

This thread is getting to me.

I am under a court order that is currently totally in pieces and has basically been a worthless piece of paper since Xmas.

My children became so distressed with having to obey a court order 'made in their own best interests' that they went to the head at school to say they were refusing to go home with their father.

According to some of you, the school, their father and myself should have forced them to go with their dad, despite such desperate measures, because 'court order'. I see that I am indeed lucky. Ex kicked off so much that the school escorted myself and the children home for safety, and yet, HE DIDNT INSIST ON HAVING THEM. Even though he was furious, he somehow still put the children first.

I'm getting a new appreciation of him!! Thank you all!

This child is already suffering. Depriving him of his ordinary activities will just add to that. I sat around my dads house, unwanted except for show. Is it any wonder I ended up with an abusive partner?

[stereoboomer]

I used to have terrible problems arranging time with the kids but now we use the Droppa app. My kids have phones now so we can even involve them when arranging things. Don't know if it will help generally but it works for us.

[TimeforaNNChange]

there should be repercussions for any NRP who doesn't turn up. the court order should not be a one way street.

It's certainly possible for courts to do so; my DHs ex has the right to return to court for enforcement if he misses a contact period.

However, just like if a RP is blocking court ordered contact, it depends on the other parent having the time, energy and financial means to enforce the order. It is a blunt instrument that is more a threat than an effective consequence.

Far better that both parents acknowledge their limitations and adopt a way forward that creates the least-worst environment for a child. Missing a swimming gala is arguably better than increased hostility between parents. I accepted a long time ago that the consequence of my marriage breakdown is that I sometimes accept that my ex parents differently to me, otherwise, I am partly responsible for the hostile environment that our DD would grow up in. I have no more right to insist that my way of parenting our DD is right than my ex does. But I do see her as "our" DD - he and I equally created her, and are equally responsible for her upbringing.

[NickiFury]

Peggy please don't waste your time addressing me anymore. You are a poster that I ignore because I find your posting style so unnecessarily rude and aggressive. I won't respond to you so it's pointless for you.

[peggyundercrackers]

nicki I don't know why people keep bringing up the punch in the stomach - this issue has been through the court, through SS and through cafcasss etc.etc. - they have all been involved and dismissed it - its been dealt with by professionals and put to bed.

[HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky]

Contact etc is meant to be in the best interest of the child.

There will be many more of these timetable clashes in years to come. If his F isn't going to support his child's life and weekend commitments then I think you may need to get terms of the contact varied. As your X is being an arse then you may have to be official.

When we first separated X wouldn't do any of these things either. Then he realised it was outrageous to use the DC to try and hurt/manipulate me and also it didn't work as I was neither hurt or manipulated. So now thankfully he is much more on board with their life and commitments.

[Fourormore]

Again, there is no "too". I haven't suggested that she is or isn't telling the truth about anything. All I have said is that we don't know.

[peggyundercrackers]

iggi there should be repercussions for any NRP who doesn't turn up. the court order should not be a one way street.

[NickiFury]

Because throughout this thread you've alluded to the OP possibly exaggerating or how we don't know the full story etc so can't be sure etc so I was trying to clarify if you thought the punch in the stomach might be exaggerated too.

[Fourormore]

Because it doesn't serve a child to have contact with a disinterested child? I will never understand "parents" like that myself

[Iggi999]

So can we make the dads who don't turn up for contact come, because the court arranged it? Why should it only work one way?
I realise why it does legally, but morally?

[Fourormore]

Again, that's fine, you're entitled to your opinion. There isn't a right or wrong answer.

I don't know why you've put "too" at the end of that sentence. I don't think she's making anything up. I don't have the facts and therefore respond from a place of not knowing whether was is said is the objective truth or not. If it is the truth that the child was punched in the stomach then that is absolutely awful. Not only for the child, and for the mother, but also that the courts, SS and CAFCASS seemed to have dismissed it. I'm not sure what point you were trying to make by asking me that.

[NickiFury]

Well I disagree it is worth returning to court over. It's not just one issue, it's a number of issues and it's just going to get worse as ds gets older and has a more active social life.

How about the punch in the stomach? Do you think OP is making that up too?

[TimeforaNNChange]

You're involved in family law and you're asking me why a parent shouldn't breach a court order?

Based on posts here, I think someone with these attitudes will thrive in the family court environment.
But, I'm extremely jaded and cynical about the objectivity of the family court system - and threads like this only reinforce that.
At least I know that I did everything I could and it was the system, not me, that led to the outcome.

[Fourormore]

I'm not sure where the misunderstanding is coming from, Nicki, but I'm not using the court order to say that Dad should get his own way.

In short, my opinion is that this issue is not big enough to return to court over. It sucks, but it's not serious enough. If the OP thinks it is, and she is of course entitled to, then she can return the matter to court. I believe this would increase the animosity between the parties. This is bad for the child. That's what I'm saying - not that Dad should get his own way. I don't give a stuff about the Dad. I do give a stuff about the implied messages to the child.

I will not ever agree that breaching a court order over a party is a good idea.