Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[Offred]

They have a right to be protected from harm - emotional and physical harm.

A parent has a responsibility not to harm the child and to act in their best interests.

The op's issue is not with missing a few parties/important events it is with a father who refuses to act in his child's best interests because he is using contact to exert control.

[Offred]

And there is a massive difference between missing a few parties and knowing your father refuses to ever take you to anything for no reason at all (he has no plans to do anything with you either) and insists that your mother can't on 'his' weekends and therefore you cannot ever go to anything on the weekends you see your dad.

[Offred]

If you wouldn't challenge something like this fine, the op wants to and can.

[Offred]

Parents do not have a right to contact.

[Offred]

And he isn't making decisions that he thinks are best for his child. He is making decisions that are best for him.

[Offred]

A child wanting to go to his swimming gala is not 'the mother's agenda'. The mother gets fuck all out of it, it is the child who gets something out of it and who misses out on something (and the father who misses out on an opportunity to support and take an interest in his child's interests).

[Offred]

No, it isn't his right. Not in an unlimited manner, both parents' have responsibilities to the child

[Offred]

No, his father has responsibility for his care every weekend.

[mimishimmi]

I'd pick one of those events that is really important to your son and emphasise that to your ex. IMO, asking him to take your DS to all three, especially when 2 of them occur all the time, looks a bit petty and as though you are trying to micromanage what they do on his weekend. As does booking swimming lessons in what you know will be his time on his weekends. How would u react if he tried doing the same?

[Offred]

And what you are failing to grasp is this is not saying no to one thing, it is saying no to everything without any reason and despite agreeing to do it in the court hearing.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

Unfortunately if you have a bad parent sooner or later you are going to realise you have a bad parent. It isn't the responsibility of the other parent to try to hide that, cover it up, lie or explain away their parent's hurtful actions and choices. It's also stringing the child along in a way that will eventually lead to the child realising you've lied to them, and delaying the point they have to face the hurt of having a parent who can't be arsed or is interested mostly in using contact to control an ex.

Sadly yes, if the truth is that this child's father is happy to deny him access to things he wants to do, to withold things important to him for no good or explained reason and to insist that his weekends belong to him to do whatever the hell he chooses with his child - the child IS going to draw their own conclusions. The father's actions are what will damage the relationship, not the OP failing to take all the responsibility and paint his actions in a sufficiently positive light. The father has to own that.

[Flossynoodle123]

Pearlman - you plainly think itt's a male v female thing.
Could you perhaps explain why the 6 year old should be deprived of events that are important to him when the Father has been given 8 weeks notice of each event and offered any swap he likes - to include "extra " contact whenever he chooses?
Please also explain for the benefit of the forum why, as a Father, you think it "controlling" and "very unreasonable" that I have a view on what the Father does with the 6 YO DS.

[Fourormore]

Offred - we're still IN court, so we can't very well "go back". Whipping up arguments about tiny things emotionally harms children. Agreeing to disagree and sticking to your own parenting time is much healthier in high conflict situations.

[Offred]

That last post was so ridiculous and incoherent I don't think I can reply.

For clarity I'm repsonding as someone who is about to take my final exam in a law degree (with extremely high marks in family law), who has volunteered at CAB giving advice about family law issues for almost 3 years and who has personal experience of conflict ridden separations with DC involved and the court process.

[Offred]

So you are still in court? How can you possibly reflect on whether it has reduced conflict or not if the process is not complete?

Court is frustrating while you are in the process. Upsetting, worrying but you can't judge how it has helped/harmed your situation until the process is complete surely!

[Offred]

Look pearlyman I think I'd trust my marks and the client's outcomes more than some stranger's personal opinion on an Internet forum. Especially when it is very clear to me the person has no clue about the relevant factors taken into account by courts or the principles on which parent/child relationships are based in law.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

You are being absolutely facetious Pearlman.

Letting a child play on an iPad instead of having dinner is against the best interests of the child. As a parent that's your basis for insisting they join you, because to do otherwise is to fail your child as a parent, and you have a responsibility to that child.

You are solely arguing from the viewpoint of the father being allowed to do exactly as he wants, to make any decision he wants, without interference or judgement, regardless of the impact on his son.

He has the child 50% of his non-school time. So if this continues he will have half a childhood where he is able to have friends, go to beavers, earn badges and know deep down that he has intrinsic value as a person, and half a childhood where he is just a thing to possess because he can be possessed, but will not be seen, heard or valued.

For all that my ex is an abusive wanker, who had contact completely stopped by the courts for 9 months, he's got a better view than you, and willingly takes the DC to all their events on his weekends.

[DuckAndPancakes]

Pearlman, what makes you think that the child's activities aren't important and that it will be laughed out of court when every effort has been made to make alternate arrangements?

If the father had plans on one of his designated weekends and the OP refused to let him have contact for the best part of a month, would that be acceptable?