Ex husband refusing to swap contact weekends

[Flossynoodle123]

Advice needed. I'm at my wits end. My DS is nearly 7. His father left when he was a newborn. By Court Order he has DS every other weekend. Unfortunately, DS has 3 important events in June and July falling on the Father's weekends. He refuses to take him and he refuses to swap weekends. There is no reason for the refusal other than it would mean he would have 2 consecutive reasons with no contact - he can't see him on an offered "extra" weekend because he's away! He has been a complete nightmare about things like this since day 1. DS is understandably very upset and tells me to just refuse to give him to Daddy. I'm considering telling him he has to swap and i'm not going to argue about it. The continuing stress of dealing with the man is making me ill. Has anyone had a similar experience. What should I do?

[Cabrinha]

This is awful for your son and you
Why do people have to be such arseholes?

I actually see he could have a point (well, a reasonable person could) about the school fair and disco. Especially the fair. Things like that will happen constantly now. What events does he have to swap for / drive miles to take his son to, and what doesn't he?

The gala - he's just a shit about that. Presumably if all three fall on his weekend though, you only need to make one change? Two weekends in a row with his father and the EOW pattern is switched to cover all three events, no?

He sounds too unreasonable to go for that though.

Can you at least speak to the Beaver leader about the badge? Explain and see if there's something else that your son can do?

[nicenewdusters]

If you remember it's about control it's easier to stand firm. If you start thinking you're being mean as he might lose out on seeing his child, that's secondary for these sorts of people.

I'd change or cancel anything possible to ensure my children didn't miss out on events that are important to them. Also, that I would still see them. The type of weekend he wants is more important to him than seeing his child. It's a horrible thought, but I do believe in some cases it's true.

[iMatter]

These things are important to your son.

That's what makes them important, not whether your ex thinks they are important.

[NickiFury]

I would keep him, take him to the events then drop him off with his Dad afterwards and to be quite honest he could just lump it.

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

I would go with Fuzzywuzzy's model: inform ex that it's important to ds, so he will be available for contact on this range of alternative dates, but won't be going to contact THAT weekend. Ex has had the option of adapt or choose to take ds himself, he wont do either, so he can have these alternative dates instead or if he prefers he can miss contact until the next agreed date, his choice. Ex has the option of going to court about if he wants to pay for it: he won't get much sympathy from the judge.

I would also be pointing out to ex that if he prevents ds from going to the gala and other things important for him for no reason other than bloody mindedness, ds will always remember that he did this; that children have an increasingly independent social life as they get older; and that the day is about four years away when the decision about when and if he goes to contact will be ds's alone. At that point ex will reap what he's sown.

Keep the evidence and papertrail that you've made every effort to be reasonable and ex hasn't.

[category12]

I think it was weird to book swimming lessons in his time, even if only in the last half hour.

But the rest seems reasonable

[Beachtrowel]

People are aware they are advising the OP to break (and repeatedly break) a court order?

[rumblingDMexploitingbstds]

The general discussion has been that the important event is the gala, so the suggestions have mostly been to break the court order for one event of high importance to the child, following repeated attempts to reasonably negotiate which have failed, with the other parent having every right to take it to court to protest the breaking of the court order if he chooses.

Where he can argue that the court order should be rigidly enforced, with no regard to his child's wishes, social life or happiness, and no regard to the best interests of the child or his capacity as an adult to be reasonable and negotiate with the person he is co parenting. Oh and this is one incident of the other parent trying to rearrange one date in the child's interests, not with holding contact. Good luck to him with that.

[Montane50]

For what its worth maybe take a step back and look at the bigger picture?
You have a court order that your ex is honouring.
The fact that he moved further away, and appears to do nothing with dc on his weekend is absolutely non of your business. As long as dc is safe and cared for you can't call the shots.
At the moment you're trying to paint your ex in a bad light by focusing on very trivial commitments, and who is sat laughing? Yep your ex.
Stop letting him wind you up, and stop trying to micro manage your dcs entire life 24/7

[Andbabymakesthree]

Contact should be in child's best interest. I fail to see how repeatedly denying flexibility to do events that's build his identity is at all in his best interests. Neither is son feeling different as his peers do event but he can't because of EOW contact.
Swimming lessons are hard to do when one parent won't partake in facilating them.

[Flossynoodle123]

Cabrinha - yes the pattern could be swapped but he won't as he's away for one of the weekends. I have offered him extra time over and above his court ordered time but he won't budge.
Category12 - the reason swimming lessons were booked for 4.30pm on a Sunday was because he started lessons on a weekday after school (which he started the week after turning 4) so he could attend weekly but was just too shattered and it was awful hence the swap which gave the ex an extra half hour contact and the opportunity to be involved. Not sure a genuine father would have a gripe there!
Montane50 - not sure trying to do my best here constitutes "trying to micro manage [my] dcs life entirely 24/7." Not that sort of parent actually! Thanks for telling me my ex husband is "sat laughing." My DS is "sat" crying about it.

[nicenewdusters]

That''s pretty harsh Montane. Yes, the OP can't dictate what her ex should do when he has their son. But she's not. She's offering alternative times to allow her son to participate in events that mean something significant to him. They may not mean much to the ex, and you say they are trivial commitments, yes, trivial to you, an adult who's not connected to him.

If the ex had long standing events booked weeks in advance, which if cancelled would cause great difficulties, I might have some sympathy. But the OP has made it clear that his objections are in fact trivial and insignificant. They are based on his needs and wants, not his sons. The ex may be laughing now, but he won't when his son thinks he's a selfish loser, and goes under duress every other weekend on a duty visit. The difference again is that the OP won't be laughing at this point, because all she wants is for her son to have a good relationship with his dad

[Montane50]

Thats my whole point. I said your ex is sat laughing because right now you've played into his hands. Ive been there trust me, and the only person caught in the cross fire right now is your son. Im also going to play devils advocate and say the following : by changing the swimming lessons from a week night, to one you know your ex is unlikely to agree to going to? In your exs.mind he may well think you've chosen that time on purpose. My youngest goes to his dads on a regular basis, if it clashes with things ive learnt to accept i have no power over that. That if he doesn't go to things? Thats on his dads conscience not mine, ive never had my son in tears because he feels torn between parents.

[wannabestressfree]

I Don't think the little boy is 'torn' between two parents he is in fact upset that he can't fully participate in beavers etc.
Your son is a long time grown up and you are clearly putting him first. This is not a game but neither does he get another childhood. I fully support you....

[Flossynoodle123]

Montane50 - we obviously have different approaches so I think it best to differ. It shouldn't be a game and never has been played as one by me. You are very lucky your son hasn't been in tears about it - mine has.

[Montane50]

Flossy, i appreciate we have different approaches and the reason i suggested you take a step back is this: ive been married twice and had children to each xh. The first was flaky to say the least, he wouldn't pay maintenance cancelled visits at the last minute and left my 2 children not knowing what its like to have a dad. My second was a prick, but sees my son on a regular basis (we stick rigidly to the agreed nights), and pays maintenance. My 3rd child knows what its like to have a dad.
I sadly admit that I subconsciously poisoned my first 2 children against their dad, i look back and now realise that I willed him to be a crap dad) they suffered as a result. So i honestly aren't being horrible to you but at the time i couldn't see the wood for the trees about what really mattered.

[wannabestressfree]

Well.it wasn't subconscious then was it? He was an actual prick....no maintenance and cancelling visits. That was hardly you was it? Or do you think you should have been more accommodating of his fuckwittery?

[Montane50]

He was a prick, and still is. I detest him, but what i define as a prick may not be what my kids define as one, given a choice id rather they came to that conclusion from their own decisions rather than mine

[Offred]

It's a fine balance between protecting them from unnecessary hardship and letting them learn for themselves what their other parent is IMO. However I think in this case I cannot see any benefit to allowing DS to miss his swimming gala. The fair and the disco yes but not the gala so I would pick that battle.

[Notmydolly]

I too have a court order stating exh has every other weekend....however clubs etc are exempt.... If my dd wants to attend these things (even if they cover the whole weekend) she is allowed to attend and there is nothing he can do.

I was always advises their interests come first. It's worth checking with a solicitor even if it just puts your mind at rest that you are right.

[Flossynoodle123]

I absolutely agree that children should come to their own conclusion. My DS is still only 6. I have no doubt that he will vote with his feet when the Court declares him old enough to have a voice.
Sadly, the 6 year old has come to the entirely correct conclusion that his father is a git but he has no say in any of it. I am his only defence and I have no power.
He is too "scared" of his father to say anything.
Could be because of the father punching him in the stomach when he "did the behaviour." ? Not a safeguarding issue apparently and yes it went through Court and Social Workers etc etc. Brave boy clearly told Social Worker twice explaining when, where and how. But - he wasn't upset enough! Refused to view video of first disclosure.
Judge declared supervised contact "inappropriate for a man in his position wouldn't you say?" (Official transcript. Ex had a highly paid DBS etc etc checked job). As did I but aren't all spurned wives bitter (was the clear view).
Result was contact with the father increased.
A Father who spent thousands fiddling his income during the year long divorce process that cost me £30,000 and …. get this mumsnetters ….DIDN"T ASK FOR CONTACT!!

[Offred]

Yes, I think you have to look at your order and see if it contains anything about activities. If it doesn't you could apply to have it varied to include that, since you are having difficulties with it, it is causing conflict and his attitude towards his son's activities is causing DS to get upset.

[Offred]

It will be a different judge this time with any luck. Reasonable to ask for legal advice about a variation IMO.

[Montane50]

Offred, from the dismissive replies to both my and ops comments i can only presume you haven't been in a similar position re access. I have and admitted that I made mistakes, I also asked op to take a step back from the situation because as i stated sometimes when you are in the situation you can't see everything clearly. For your information i doubt my children think im a prick and i don't think it was necessary for you to personally abuse me. Troll away.